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no response from Chardonnay the newbie? tsk tsk, for shame.
Chardonnay
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Well, since you seemed so sad not to find a critique from me, here goes. I'm aware that to you "feedback" means "accolades" so I'm sorry to disappoint you.
Dad's Friend
This title is pretty boring. If I saw this title in the index I would have absolutely no desire to open it.
Rebecca had always been precocious and her body developed rapidly. Here is a chance for you to show, not tell. What do you mean, she was precocious? Give an example. And it should be “her body HAD developed rapidly.” When she was 15, grown men would mistake her for 21. The ages here are too specific. Did every grown man mistake her for 21? What happened when she turned 16? Did grown men start mistaking her for 22? You would be better off just saying she looks older than her age.
Becko, as her friends called her, dressed conservatively. What is conservative? Show, don’t tell. And Becko? This is not a sexy name. It’s your choice, but since you’re writing porn and not literature, you might want to reconsider this name. Itapostrophes not like she had a choice, her father was strict. You need a semicolon here, not a comma. He was a lawyer and was concerned about his reputation. Where do they live, Mayberry? How would her behavior affect his reputation as a lawyer? How would people even know? If they live in a small town then tell us—better yet, show us. He knew she was sexual. She had watched him showering on numerous ocassions. You misspelled occasions. Are you trying to say that her father knew she was sexual because she had watched him shower? How did he know she was watching? What did he do when he caught her? This doesn’t make a lot of sense.
One day while her father was on a fishing trip, Becko took photos of herself in erotic poses. It’s pretty hard to take photos of yourself. When you write something that makes the reader have to stop and think, you need to explain. Did she have a camera with a timer? Probably, but don’t make us guess. She went through 2 rolls. In a story, you spell out numbers. (two rolls) Since daddy would be gone for the weekend, Becko decided to prance around the house nude. Why would she do this? And “prance around nude” just sounds silly. Prance makes me think of horses or elves. Much to her surprise, her dad told his friend Trevor to stop by and check on things. You’re messing up your tenses here. You want “her dad HAD told his friend….” And since she hasn’t heard the knock at the door yet, how is she surprised? There was a knock on the front door. It was him. It was him? Who's "him"? Trevor or her dad? Just because it’s clear in your mind, doesn’t mean you don’t have to watch your pronouns when you write. She invited him in, now wearing a skimpy dress. Skimpy? Show, don’t tell. The preceding sentence sounds like “him” (who we assume is Trevor), is now wearing a skimpy dress. I assume that you meant Becko is wearing the dress. Fine. When did she put it on? From your writing, it sounds like she heard a knock at the door and POOF, she’s now wearing a skimpy dress.
They sat down and chatted. Becko flirted and revealed some cleavage. Chatted? Flirted? What did they say? Show, don’t tell. Dialogue makes a story more interesting. She was 19 and craved the attention of an older man. This statement implies that all 19-year-old crave the attention of older men, which isn’t true. You want to show us WHY she craves this attention. BTW, does she now look 25?
She noticed a bulge in Trevor's pants. "Would you lieklike to see pics of me?Does anyone really say “pics” out loud, rather than pictures or photos? I developed them yesterday comma" the young vixen asked. How could she have developed them yesterday? From your story you have her taking pictures then prancing around nude, then opening the door. She couldn’t have developed any pictures “yesterday.”
"Sure. If I wasnapostrophet a trial lawyer, I'd like to be a photographer comma" he replied, taking his jacket off. Why is he just now taking off his jacket?
Trevor raised his eyebrows as he gazed at the nude photos. Becko loosened his belt. He slid his pants off. That’s it? She just loosens his belt and he takes his pants off? How boring. Besides, this is the man Becko’s father sent to “check up on things." Is it really going to be that easy for him to get it on with his friend’s daughter?Now she was kneeling, taking his entire length in her mouth. This is a straight porn story with no pretensions of literature. Yet you act coy with your words. She takes his “length” in her mouth? That’s it? Length is not a sexy word "We shouldn't be doing thiscomma" the older man blurted. The young slut paid no attention and continued slurping and licking.
Then Becko disrobed and sat on the couch, legs open to give Trevor a better view. Trevor knelt down and tasted her fresh pussy. “Fresh?” What does that mean? Show, don’t tell. He sat on the couch and she sat down on his immense shaft. Trevor closed his eyes as he squeezed her supple tits. He pumped away at her tight hole. You’re writing sex. How is this supposed to turn anyone on? He did this, she did that. He did that, she did this. Boring, boring, boring.
.......how would you end the story?
How would I end it? I don’t know. They’d both cum, I guess. This isn't really a story anyway; it's more like an outline. Five paragraphs and they're almost done having sex? We don’t know anything about these people or what drives or motivates them. We have absolutely no reason whatsoever to like them, or dislike them, unless we happen not to like sexually promiscuous people. We don’t even know what they look like. They’re two-dimensional cardboard characters. There’s barely a plot to speak of and the sex isn’t even hot. The writing is incredibly choppy and childlike and the word choices are pedestrian.
I pointed out a bunch of stuff that could be fixed in your story, but even if you made every single change, this story would still not be good. What makes a story good is not easy to define, but it’s easy to say when a story has it and when it doesn’t. This doesn’t.
But, hey, you’re going to be published next year, so you must know what you’re doing!
Dad's Friend
This title is pretty boring. If I saw this title in the index I would have absolutely no desire to open it.
Rebecca had always been precocious and her body developed rapidly. Here is a chance for you to show, not tell. What do you mean, she was precocious? Give an example. And it should be “her body HAD developed rapidly.” When she was 15, grown men would mistake her for 21. The ages here are too specific. Did every grown man mistake her for 21? What happened when she turned 16? Did grown men start mistaking her for 22? You would be better off just saying she looks older than her age.
Becko, as her friends called her, dressed conservatively. What is conservative? Show, don’t tell. And Becko? This is not a sexy name. It’s your choice, but since you’re writing porn and not literature, you might want to reconsider this name. Itapostrophes not like she had a choice, her father was strict. You need a semicolon here, not a comma. He was a lawyer and was concerned about his reputation. Where do they live, Mayberry? How would her behavior affect his reputation as a lawyer? How would people even know? If they live in a small town then tell us—better yet, show us. He knew she was sexual. She had watched him showering on numerous ocassions. You misspelled occasions. Are you trying to say that her father knew she was sexual because she had watched him shower? How did he know she was watching? What did he do when he caught her? This doesn’t make a lot of sense.
One day while her father was on a fishing trip, Becko took photos of herself in erotic poses. It’s pretty hard to take photos of yourself. When you write something that makes the reader have to stop and think, you need to explain. Did she have a camera with a timer? Probably, but don’t make us guess. She went through 2 rolls. In a story, you spell out numbers. (two rolls) Since daddy would be gone for the weekend, Becko decided to prance around the house nude. Why would she do this? And “prance around nude” just sounds silly. Prance makes me think of horses or elves. Much to her surprise, her dad told his friend Trevor to stop by and check on things. You’re messing up your tenses here. You want “her dad HAD told his friend….” And since she hasn’t heard the knock at the door yet, how is she surprised? There was a knock on the front door. It was him. It was him? Who's "him"? Trevor or her dad? Just because it’s clear in your mind, doesn’t mean you don’t have to watch your pronouns when you write. She invited him in, now wearing a skimpy dress. Skimpy? Show, don’t tell. The preceding sentence sounds like “him” (who we assume is Trevor), is now wearing a skimpy dress. I assume that you meant Becko is wearing the dress. Fine. When did she put it on? From your writing, it sounds like she heard a knock at the door and POOF, she’s now wearing a skimpy dress.
They sat down and chatted. Becko flirted and revealed some cleavage. Chatted? Flirted? What did they say? Show, don’t tell. Dialogue makes a story more interesting. She was 19 and craved the attention of an older man. This statement implies that all 19-year-old crave the attention of older men, which isn’t true. You want to show us WHY she craves this attention. BTW, does she now look 25?
She noticed a bulge in Trevor's pants. "Would you lieklike to see pics of me?Does anyone really say “pics” out loud, rather than pictures or photos? I developed them yesterday comma" the young vixen asked. How could she have developed them yesterday? From your story you have her taking pictures then prancing around nude, then opening the door. She couldn’t have developed any pictures “yesterday.”
"Sure. If I wasnapostrophet a trial lawyer, I'd like to be a photographer comma" he replied, taking his jacket off. Why is he just now taking off his jacket?
Trevor raised his eyebrows as he gazed at the nude photos. Becko loosened his belt. He slid his pants off. That’s it? She just loosens his belt and he takes his pants off? How boring. Besides, this is the man Becko’s father sent to “check up on things." Is it really going to be that easy for him to get it on with his friend’s daughter?Now she was kneeling, taking his entire length in her mouth. This is a straight porn story with no pretensions of literature. Yet you act coy with your words. She takes his “length” in her mouth? That’s it? Length is not a sexy word "We shouldn't be doing thiscomma" the older man blurted. The young slut paid no attention and continued slurping and licking.
Then Becko disrobed and sat on the couch, legs open to give Trevor a better view. Trevor knelt down and tasted her fresh pussy. “Fresh?” What does that mean? Show, don’t tell. He sat on the couch and she sat down on his immense shaft. Trevor closed his eyes as he squeezed her supple tits. He pumped away at her tight hole. You’re writing sex. How is this supposed to turn anyone on? He did this, she did that. He did that, she did this. Boring, boring, boring.
.......how would you end the story?
How would I end it? I don’t know. They’d both cum, I guess. This isn't really a story anyway; it's more like an outline. Five paragraphs and they're almost done having sex? We don’t know anything about these people or what drives or motivates them. We have absolutely no reason whatsoever to like them, or dislike them, unless we happen not to like sexually promiscuous people. We don’t even know what they look like. They’re two-dimensional cardboard characters. There’s barely a plot to speak of and the sex isn’t even hot. The writing is incredibly choppy and childlike and the word choices are pedestrian.
I pointed out a bunch of stuff that could be fixed in your story, but even if you made every single change, this story would still not be good. What makes a story good is not easy to define, but it’s easy to say when a story has it and when it doesn’t. This doesn’t.
But, hey, you’re going to be published next year, so you must know what you’re doing!
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yes, I do plan to get published and then what will your comments be?
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Chardonnay
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- Apr 25, 2003
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I do have an imagination. The problem is I had to use it so much when reading your story that I didn't really need your story.
If it doesn't matter what she looks like, where she is, or why she's having sex, the sex better be fucking hot. I'd work on that if I were you.
If it doesn't matter what she looks like, where she is, or why she's having sex, the sex better be fucking hot. I'd work on that if I were you.
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Be jealous, it makes me smile. 
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Chardonnay
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Gosh, it sounds like I ruined it for everyone
This is a story?
OOOOOOOOk. What a sad piece of shit that is. That's what you call literature? Hahahahaha.
1. You fucking moron, of course it matters. See it's writing, so the readers can't actually see her, so if you don't describe her, they can't catch a clue. If you're too stupid to understand that you might as well give up now.
2. Oh boy. See #1. Does Trevor still want her if she's 50? What if she's 8?
3. You fuckwit. Why don't you just give the readers a blank sheet of paper, since you don't want to give them any details. Don't worry. The ones who don't "lack imagination" will understand perfectly.
4. See #3.
5. You're being published. Sure you are. ROFL. Where? Illiterates Monthly? And my comment is: how much are you paying them?
Write this down, genius, and practice saying it:
You want fries with that?
P.S. Re: your question. Here's how you should end it
And then they shot the pathetic delusional excuse for a man (i.e., you) who thought he was writing literature.
OOOOOOOOk. What a sad piece of shit that is. That's what you call literature? Hahahahaha.
1. You fucking moron, of course it matters. See it's writing, so the readers can't actually see her, so if you don't describe her, they can't catch a clue. If you're too stupid to understand that you might as well give up now.
2. Oh boy. See #1. Does Trevor still want her if she's 50? What if she's 8?
3. You fuckwit. Why don't you just give the readers a blank sheet of paper, since you don't want to give them any details. Don't worry. The ones who don't "lack imagination" will understand perfectly.
4. See #3.
5. You're being published. Sure you are. ROFL. Where? Illiterates Monthly? And my comment is: how much are you paying them?
Write this down, genius, and practice saying it:
You want fries with that?
P.S. Re: your question. Here's how you should end it
And then they shot the pathetic delusional excuse for a man (i.e., you) who thought he was writing literature.
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Re: This is a story?
Yeah bitch, that sounds about right. Dont reply to my threads anymore. And yes, I will be published within a year. So now you can eat crow (or for you, a bowl of shit).Hyndeline said:
KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
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You asked for the critique. You cannot control what people say about your work. If you can't take the honest critique, then you don't ask for a critique--particularly by name.
The appropriate response would have been a "thank you for your time" and to ignore what you had no use for. If you were interested in improvement, you would listen to Chardonnay.
Your writing is not perfect. You are making several classic amateur mistakes. You also make too many spelling, punctuation, and grammar mistakes. Your story is not long enough, your characters have no dimension, you have a rudimentary plot but you never developed it, you keep interjecting yourself into the story, and you don't even know how to end it. You shouldn't quit writing, but you shouldn't quit your day job, either.
Feedback is most obviously not welcome.
The appropriate response would have been a "thank you for your time" and to ignore what you had no use for. If you were interested in improvement, you would listen to Chardonnay.
Your writing is not perfect. You are making several classic amateur mistakes. You also make too many spelling, punctuation, and grammar mistakes. Your story is not long enough, your characters have no dimension, you have a rudimentary plot but you never developed it, you keep interjecting yourself into the story, and you don't even know how to end it. You shouldn't quit writing, but you shouldn't quit your day job, either.
Feedback is most obviously not welcome.
On top of your total lack of writing skill, you're also a hypocrite. Oh and it's beauticians'. You forgot the apostrophe, but they don't count right? Like all those other meaningless details, such as plot and structure, grammar and spelling don't count, right? You contradict yourself at every turn little man.
And you think I'm going to stop replying because a dope like you said so? Oh you are a fool: you've opened your foul mouth to the wrong person this time, Becko-boy. I'll reply or not as I choose. Really whatever are you going to do about it? Show me your sad little dick, all dressed up in his equestrian attire? Maybe you can do your ass next time. Or did you already? No, wait, that was your face. Heehee, you're so stupid. Oooh I know, you can show me that scary finger again.
Keep replying, Bozo er Becko.
P.S. Why are you thinking about beauticians' school? Is it because you need Hair Club for Men, loser?
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KM, thank you. Now THAT is a critique. Notice no name calling or lame kindergarten remarks? *except for the last part.KillerMuffin said:
Hyndeline, you could learn a lot from KM, she isn't a belligerent lonely person like you. Yes, you will stop replying or I'll put you on ignore. As for that weak comment about my av, it shows your maturity level.
KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
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- 25,603
That wasn't really a critique, it was a list of why your story failed. Chardonnay gave you critique, and a very good one at that. I am rude and belligerent. I'm an editor; it comes with the profession.
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I am a writer, I am allowed to be a prick to critics, it comes with the territory.KillerMuffin said:
Yes, Chardonnay gave me feedback but not suggestions. She re-wrote the story with minor changes.
Chardonnay
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- Apr 25, 2003
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- 31
I'm glad you're not heaping abuse on KillerMuffin (although I'm sure she can handle herself fine). But how is the point of what she said:
different from the point of what I said:
Since I'm already here and since your PM's weren't terribly personal I hope it won't be that bad to answer them in public.
1. How long have I been writing?
What difference does it make? Your writing is what it is regardless of whether I'm a Nobel laureate or I've never picked up a pen. Your writing is going to be read by readers and they know good writing from bad.
2. What exactly didn't I like about your story?
Geez, I spent quite a bit of time pointing it out in this thread. Please don't make me write it all over again.
Listen, if you look at the other feedback requests here you'll see that people are very rarely rude to the writers. People are happy to compliment what they did like while politely pointing out areas that could use improvement. It's very supportive. The fact that you're attracting abuse should tell you something. You keep saying you're going to leave, but you don't leave, and you don't take anyone's advice either. Why not?
different from the point of what I said:
Since I'm already here and since your PM's weren't terribly personal I hope it won't be that bad to answer them in public.
1. How long have I been writing?
What difference does it make? Your writing is what it is regardless of whether I'm a Nobel laureate or I've never picked up a pen. Your writing is going to be read by readers and they know good writing from bad.
2. What exactly didn't I like about your story?
Geez, I spent quite a bit of time pointing it out in this thread. Please don't make me write it all over again.
Listen, if you look at the other feedback requests here you'll see that people are very rarely rude to the writers. People are happy to compliment what they did like while politely pointing out areas that could use improvement. It's very supportive. The fact that you're attracting abuse should tell you something. You keep saying you're going to leave, but you don't leave, and you don't take anyone's advice either. Why not?
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1. I respect that people took the time to read my material even if they dont like it.Chardonnay said:
2. I have noticed that yes, people ARE rude. Maybe they are testing me, dont know. I never claimed I was a terrific writer.
3. I didn't intend to "attract abuse". I came here for SUPPORTIVE feedback, not personal attacks. I would expect that behavior from little kids.
4. I have taken advice but I also dont plan to change my poems and stories.
5. Yes, it DOES matter how long you've been writing in order to critique my writings. Its like a musician pointing out military strategies to the president. Its a matter of experience.
6. I am sorry if I came across as hostile but to me, writing is very personal and I believe all critics have a hidden agenda.
HarleyGirl
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- Apr 8, 2003
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- 10
I read the story, and then I read the all the comments and critiques, and name calling and mud slinging-
Honestly, the comments, mud slinging, ect. were much, much better than the story.
What kills me is that you, De Sade, asked for the input, not only from everyone that read this thread- but from Chardonnay personally. Her critique was a real author's dream come true.
-She spelled out every little detailed problem for you.
-She gave you ideas to improve it.
-She told you how to improve it.
-She told you why it needed improving.
And trust me, it needs improving!! That is a critique. It doesn't get any better than that.
I'm curious though, are you really that caught up in your ego stroking that you can't see all of this, or do you enjoy being a prick to editors & critics?
Just wondering ~HG~
Honestly, the comments, mud slinging, ect. were much, much better than the story.
What kills me is that you, De Sade, asked for the input, not only from everyone that read this thread- but from Chardonnay personally. Her critique was a real author's dream come true.
-She spelled out every little detailed problem for you.
-She gave you ideas to improve it.
-She told you how to improve it.
-She told you why it needed improving.
And trust me, it needs improving!! That is a critique. It doesn't get any better than that.
I'm curious though, are you really that caught up in your ego stroking that you can't see all of this, or do you enjoy being a prick to editors & critics?
Just wondering ~HG~
Chardonnay
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I didn't aswer all your points because although I find you incredibly amusing to read, I can't be bothered to take too much more effort to write lengthy replies. I guess I'm a little selfish that way.De Sade said:
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HarleyGirl-
yes, every story on this forum needs improving. As for the ego stroking comment, you are so wrong. Its not about ego, its about finding feedback that is insightful. Yes, I have taken Chardonnay's adive and I am currently revising the story.
yes, every story on this forum needs improving. As for the ego stroking comment, you are so wrong. Its not about ego, its about finding feedback that is insightful. Yes, I have taken Chardonnay's adive and I am currently revising the story.
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Chardonnay
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De Sade said:
You're taking my adive? My what? endives? Making a salad, are you? Or are you taking my advice? Because it sure didn't sound like it when you responded to my critique with this:
And why do you keep asking to see everyone's stories and poems? HarleyGirl gave her opinion. She is a member of your audience. If she doesn't like your story, that's all that matters.
HarleyGirl
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Oddly enough, under HarleyGirl. Here I'll help you-
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=87945
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=88085
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=88611
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=88635
That is what I have posted on this site- would you like to compare scores, or are you just going to pout for me too?
~HG~
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=87945
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=88085
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=88611
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=88635
That is what I have posted on this site- would you like to compare scores, or are you just going to pout for me too?
~HG~
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admittedly, they aren't bad but there are too many quotes in the first story. I would make changes in every story however.HarleyGirl said:
BTW, I dont believe in "comparing scores" or keeping scores. I do believe in helping fellow writers if only I could find some at Lit who didnt take things the wrong way.
Chardonnay, it was a typo. Get over it. I ask to see people's writings because I am curious. No other reason than that.
Chardonnay
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HarleyGirl, don't listen to him. The dialogue is what made that first story good.
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But wait a minute, I thought this was a FEEDBACK forum?Chardonnay said:
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