16·July·2007 · "Rideau Canal" · miss_mystery

Lauren Hynde

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Rideau Canal

You untangle your legs
from the twist of other bed-sheets,
although I imagine that they are clean
and crisp, as I have never made them;
I unwind from him, outstretch one toe
and fingers pointed like willow-slim branches
reaching for water, make a dive

for the door. We come together
to bathe in the borrowed shelter
of her bones of iron and limestone.
She dresses us in rags, in lake-weed
wrapped around sexes, transforms us
into freshwater myth, naiads bespangled
with droplets of moonlight. Below
the shift of her skin, our thighs flash
quick-silver—columns reflected
in the birch that line her flanks
and the fish that drift by, oblivious

to any indecency. In the confluence of bodies
that she wears, slipping one into the next,
they dream cool, piscine dreams.​



Notes by the author:

Hi folks. Always fun to find a workshop, and I hope that I might join.
 
On my first reading, here are my thoughts:

I don’t quite understand the transition between the bed-sheets and your imagining them being clean, although I like the way the words sound when I read it. Other than that, I love the imagery and the way it flows.

If I have more on later readings, I'll post them separately.
 
unapologetic said:
On my first reading, here are my thoughts:

I don’t quite understand the transition between the bed-sheets and your imagining them being clean, although I like the way the words sound when I read it. Other than that, I love the imagery and the way it flows.

If I have more on later readings, I'll post them separately.

Actually, I liked that part, as it demonstrates the personality of the couple and a touch of insecurity.

I loved the imagery and the flow. Something doesn't sit well with me.. maybe it's a few of the word choices, but that's just personal taste. I think "piscine" has to be my least favorite word.
 
The first stanza, for some reason leaves me cold. I don't know quite what it is, but it seems somewhat detached.

The second stanza, however, I really enjoyed. The imagery there really pulled me in and evoked a languorous mood, which the rhythm also contributed to.
 
Unapologetic, Lady, and Cerise--- thank you all for your thoughts.

Lady, if I may ask, which other word choices didn't work for you, and why? I'd love to know. If you nailed down exactly what didn't work, it might give me a good place to start revision.

Cheers, and thanks again.
 
miss_mystery said:
Lady, if I may ask, which other word choices didn't work for you, and why? I'd love to know. If you nailed down exactly what didn't work, it might give me a good place to start revision.
Oh, please don't change it on my behalf. There may be 100 people who love it just the way it is for every one person who would like to see a change made.

Besides "piscine", I was a little uneasy about "quicksilver." Now, I love that word! It's actually the title of one of my favorite books. But, "thighs flash quicksilver"- are their thighs flashing unpredictably? The sound of the phrase "flash quicksilver" is awesome to me. It just sounds cool. So, if that's what you mean.. or even if it's close, I'd definitely keep it.

"confluence"- Doesn't confluence literally mean the joining or coming together of people? I could be wrong about this, but wouldn't "confluence of bodies" be kinda redundant? I'm not sure "confluence" is the best, most descriptive word here. But, I'd get someone else's opinion on that. Hopefully, a more proficient wordsmith than I will voice their opinion.

I honestly didn't know what a "naiad" is. I said it outloud as I looked it up in dictionary.com. My teenage daughter said, "Naiads are woodland ho's." LOL Anyway, I did not have a problem with that at all. Thank you for introducing me to a new word.

Let me reiterate that this is just one person's opinion. The overall flow of the poem is excellent. It's just those 3 words that just didn't feel right to me. But, it's not my poem! :kiss:
 
Lady, thanks again for clarifying. 'Confluence' means a fluid joining--often, of bodies of water. I might have to re-think 'quick-silver', as I was using it to mean 'rapid in movement', but you're absolutely right--unpredictability is a fair interpretation.

Manipulatrix, quite obviously I'm having clarity issues. Thanks for pointing it out. I'd meant to imply that the two characters don't share a bed, and are rising from separate beds (with other people in 'em) for a midnight rendezvous. 'She' is the personification of the Rideau Canal.

Cheers, to the both of you.

Miss M.
 
From "fingers pointed like willow-slim branches" to the end of the poem is actually very good. First four lines work fairly well.

Love many of your word/phrase choices.

"naiads bespangled with droplets of moonlight" seems like a bit too much but certainly not bad.

Ah, this is definitely a keeper: "bathe in the borrowed shelter of her bones of iron and limestone." I do appreciate bones in a poem. :)

I like the line about the fish drifting by, oblivious to indecency. I really got a great visual thanks to those words. And that's what you want. You want the reader to picture the scene.
 
miss_mystery said:
Lady, thanks again for clarifying. 'Confluence' means a fluid joining--often, of bodies of water. I might have to re-think 'quick-silver', as I was using it to mean 'rapid in movement', but you're absolutely right--unpredictability is a fair interpretation.

Manipulatrix, quite obviously I'm having clarity issues. Thanks for pointing it out. I'd meant to imply that the two characters don't share a bed, and are rising from separate beds (with other people in 'em) for a midnight rendezvous. 'She' is the personification of the Rideau Canal.

Cheers, to the both of you.

Miss M.
These are questions:
'She' is the personification of the Rideau Canal. , why is this important, if so why not develop it further..
Why the hyphens?

If I understand what is going on here "confluence" may be just the word you want to develop further. You choice of words seem almost astrological
Confluence
quick-silver
even piscine
don't know if a conscious factor, but you may want to consider it

for your conjunction

This needs to be cleared up, someone may have mentioned
"You untangle your legs" - who the you?
 
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