New to forums, but looking for information

As many of you can probably relate to from your first posting, I am a little nervous about exposing myself in this area (pardon the pun). However, I figured there would be SOMEONE who had thoughts that might answer my question. Here goes:

I am not sure how much detail to give, so feel free to ask for specifics if you need it. Amid all of the machismo, I have to uncomfortably admit that I do not perform even a fraction of what I realistically consider to be worthwhile. I can do alright when I'm by myself, but now that I am married, I find myself disappointed. She's patient enough, and I do other things to try to satisfy her, but she deserves more. I don't trust many of the products (creams, nutritional supplements, etc.) that claim to help, as they appear to be gimicks, and more medically credible sites don't speak favorably about them. We tried a different position, and found some success, but it was only slight. We've tried a stop-start technique found on a how-to video, but I can feel myself losing it even when laying still inside.

I should add that we've only been married a year, and we are both each other's first partners. Should I chalk it up to inexperience and just take my lumps for a while and hope it settles itself out?

I don't know if this is TMI, or if it's not enough. Has anyone had the same problem and found anything that worked? How long before I start panicking and looking for a professional (which I really don't want to do)?

Thanks.

You are anonymous, so go ahead and be explicit so that we can better understand your situation. What exactly is the "performance" problem? Are having your orgasm too early? Or are you having the opposite problem where you are having a problem maintaining an erection? Both? It's not clear to me from your description. How old are you and your wife?

For either situation, I'd recommend giving her lots of foreplay, which will enhance the experience for her regardless. Have your tried pleasing her with your mouth? Have you tried using a vibrator on her?

I just love anonymity....more detail:
We're both 27....as of today for me!!!! Yeah, I know....late starters.

So far, the biggest problem has been "exploding" too soon. We do use vibrators, which she REALLY enjoys.

if your cuming to soon try stopping before you cum. let yourself relax a moment then continue again. (which from you post above i believe you are trying but I am not sure) you may not be able to keep from cumin still but the more you work at it the better you will get. then after you have gotten to the point where you know when you need to stop movement you can start working on lasting longer. eventually you will be able to control yourself better. last longer. it takes time and practice. also try masturbating. but don't let yourself cum. by doing this you can learn more about your trigger points. to be completely honest... with my first and second partners i had the same problem. its completely normal. i can completely understand how much of a pain in the arse it can be. i worked on it and any more i last a lot longer then my partner 90 percent of the time. also alot of it can be nerves. relax just enjoy yourself. have fun. thats the point after all. oh also you may try having her bring you to orgasm thru oral or whatever once before hand. then when you can go again try intercourse. doesn't work for a lot of people but you never know it might for you.

just remember relax have fun.

You might wanna try masturbating (and reaching orgasm) shortly before you two have sex. Of course you need to know first how soon after the first orgasm you are ready to go again and if it can be with somewhat of the same enthousiasm (of course). Maybe take a shower, have your first (alone) and then slowly start for your round two and her first? With some men this helps. With others...? They are totally washed (never mind the shower ) after the first one for the next 12 hours or so. In that case I refer to what Helix said

helix27 said:

oh also you may try having her bring you to orgasm thru oral or whatever once before hand. then when you can go again try intercourse. doesn't work for a lot of people but you never know it might for you.

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Why do you say coming first, then going for a second round doesn't work for a lot of people?

Maybe it's just my luck, but this has worked for all of my male partners. It hasn't made everyone last for an hour (which is great, because I have no desire to have intercourse for that long in one shot), but it certainly does take longer for them to come the second time.

Notagreener, I actually don't mind if my partner doesn't last that long. With my husband, especially, I take it as a compliment - I can still get him just as riled up as I did early in our relationship, and he still finds sex with me to be really exciting. He makes sure I'm always satisfied (that doesn't always mean having an orgasm) and we can always do something for me after he comes, so I don't find it to be problematic at all. I also figure this will probably change as he gets older (he's 28), so I just enjoy what we have while it's here.

Is your wife unsatisfied with how long you're lasting? Are you making sure she has at least one orgasm before, during or after you have sex?

SweetErika said:

Why do you say coming first, then going for a second round doesn't work for a lot of people?

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well like what was said above by m's girl... some guys are a wash after a orgasm. also some guys still even after a orgasm like this still have the same problem with cumin to early.

helix27 said:

well like what was said above by m's girl... some guys are a wash after a orgasm. also some guys still even after a orgasm like this still have the same problem with cumin to early.

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Yeah, I get that happens to some guys. It was the "a lot of guys" in your statement that struck me as odd because based on my own experience and what I've heard from others, it actually works for a lot of guys.

SweetErika said:

Yeah, I get that happens to some guys. It was the "a lot of guys" in your statement that struck me as odd because based on my own experience and what I've heard from others, it actually works for a lot of guys.

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It could be the age of the guys you're referring to. Recovery time is shorter the younger guys are...generalizing of course. That's what I thought of when it was initially mentioned.

Thank you all for your input.

I am very fortunate. My wife is very patient and understanding. I do my best to satisfy her in other ways, although she's still apprehensive about oral (that's probably a topic for another thread). I got her using vibrators, and she has a few that she uses when she really wants an orgasm. I suppose I should feel bad giving that over to a piece of plastic; but it's okay, since I know our lovemaking will be all that more exciting when I get things together.

I'm my harshest critic. I want to satisfy her with intercourse so badly, and I am disappointed when I hear of guys lasting long enough to give an orgasm as well as get one. Our communication is good, and we are trying to learn what works, but it is still frustrating for me.

Don't worry about your duration, it will get better with patience, practice, and time. Hell, I'm 40 and still don't last more than a few minutes most of the time, that's why she gets her cookie first (through nipple attention (hence the name ) and oral ). After that, she's ready for intercourse and I can have my cookie and it doesn't matter how long it lasts. The key is that she's first. As SweetErica said, women don't always need to orgasm every time, but efforts on your part to achieve her success should never diminish, meaning a conscientious lover takes care of their partner.

I can also say that when I was your age I was quick to fire, and within 15 or 20 minutes ready to go again, with the stamina to achieve results for her and have a second cookie for myself!

Just relax, talk openly with your partner about both your needs and ways to improve both of your experiences. Communication with your partner is the most important thing in a relationship, and through that communication you'll be able to build a stronger, deeper commitment as well as a more fulfilling sexual relationship.

For everything else there's Mastercard

Notagreener said:

I'm my harshest critic. I want to satisfy her with intercourse so badly, and I am disappointed when I hear of guys lasting long enough to give an orgasm as well as get one. Our communication is good, and we are trying to learn what works, but it is still frustrating for me.

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Do you know how many women NEVER orgasm from intercourse? I don't know the exact numbers (and it depends "who" you're asking) but it's at least 1/3 of them. Never mind if the guy is a porn star and/or can last all night.

To me, the most important thing is to know that my man wants to please me and learns how to with ME. There are so many other things that work well and make me feel sooo good.

And there really is no need to be jealous of a piece of plastic Because although it can make us feel great there is NO WAY it will ever be better than being intimate with the man we love, right girls?

Notagreener said:

I am very fortunate. My wife is very patient and understanding. I do my best to satisfy her in other ways, although she's still apprehensive about oral (that's probably a topic for another thread).

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Does your wife know what brings her to orgasm besides vibes? Does she masturbate, and if so would she mind showing you -- or at least explaining to you -- how she brings herself off solo?

M's girl said:

And there really is no need to be jealous of a piece of plastic Because although it can make us feel great there is NO WAY it will ever be better than being intimate with the man we love, right girls?

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True, being with someone I love is best overall, although I'll be the first to admit some toys can provide much stronger and longer orgasms than any stimulation from a person (myself included). So, I often prefer using my favorite vibes alone and with a partner, even though it's possible to come other ways.

Since neither of us have a problem with this, we just go with what feels best at the time.

M's girl said:

And there really is no need to be jealous of a piece of plastic Because although it can make us feel great there is NO WAY it will ever be better than being intimate with the man we love, right girls?

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Right! Being separated from my hubby for an extended period due to work, I can fully attest to that! While the vibrator does what it's intended to do, it can't even come close to a simple cuddle, much less sex with the hubby. Besides, he loves watching (and helping) me use them when he's here

If your worried about the length of time you go before blast off, do a search through the Blank Manual, there is an exercise that is supposed to make you take longer, I beleive Kegel Exercises.

Well something like that anyway, hopefully some nice person will drop by and put up a link or three and correct me on the exercise.

I do know many times someone will say play with yourself, get almost to cumming and then let go, calm down and do it again. Eventually it will 'train' you to last longer. Not sure if that actually works, but enough people mention that method to make me think it's at least worth a shot.

Notagreener said:

Thank you all for your input.



I'm my harshest critic. I want to satisfy her with intercourse so badly, and I am disappointed when I hear of guys lasting long enough to give an orgasm as well as get one. Our communication is good, and we are trying to learn what works, but it is still frustrating for me.

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relax! have fun with each other! thats the number one thing. you said you are each others first partners if i remember right. sex is not something that you jump into and everything is perfect. it takes time, communication, practice, lot of work! you have the biggest part already taken care of, a loving and understanding wife! thats the best thing any man could hope for! dont worry you will get there. you have the rest of your lives togther.

There's so much excellent advice and information all I can add is welcome to Lit. Enjoy the practice.