Clueless

Clueless (That's the title of this story, and hopefully not the writer....)

I've written a few stories here and there, nothing serious. But I thought I'd get one out there and see what people thought, if you don't mind. All constructive criticism is most welcome. I'm more than happy to reciprocate, so if you want to post a link to a story I'd be glad to comment. I might scan the current board as well.

I like to write dialogue though the way this story goes, it doesn't lend itself to much talking until the end.

If you see some spelling or grammatical liberties, assume I know better, but I'd be interested if you think it's distracting, or, if something just plain doesn't make sense.

But overall, I'm interested overall in what you think of the story.

To me it takes some chutzpah to put your stuff out there for comment. I respect everyone who does that. So, thought I'd get myself off the sidelines.

Thanks in advance.....

ninefe2dg

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What a waste of 20 bucks. The guy sitting on the corner seemed nice enough. My first time to Beverly Hills and it took me all of five minutes to get ripped off. I wanted to know who lived in what houses, I'm such a hopeless stargazer. You never know who you're gonna see. That is, if you're not me. Every time someone I know goes to LA they come back with one of those "Guess who I saw" stories. I've been a few times and never had that kind of luck. Saw a guy who worked in the airport who sorta looked like Regis Philbin, but that's about it.

So that's why I thought the map would be so useful. That's what cost me 20 bucks. But once I opened it up I realized how useless it was. Nothing but a list of B-list actors. And I think most of them were dead. Soupy Sales? Like who cares where Soupy Sales lived? Oh, here was a good one. Chuck Barris, the host of the Gong Show. Tom Bosley, the dude who played the sidekick on the original Charlie's Angels. Now Jaclyn Smith's house would have been useful, but nooooo!!

Oh well, musta been the B-list section of Beverly Hills. I wouldn't mind living there though. I wandered around for about ten minutes and managed to find one celeb house: Morey Amsterdam's. Big whoop. I finally gave up and made my way back toward Rodeo Drive to get some lunch. At least it was a beautiful day. Just like most days here I guess. I found an outdoor cafe and ordered a cheeseburger and a beer, half-expecting the waitress to look at me sideways for ordering something so unhealthy. Then I remembered she couldn't give a shit.

'Bout midway through my third bite I looked up from my plate and couldn't believe who was just sitting down. God she was gorgeous. And much more beautiful in person. Long blonde hair and blue eyes. And what a beautfiul face. Pouty lips. I could have just stared at her all day. I tried not to but was losing the battle. She was right in my line of sight anyway and I didn't really have anywhere else to look. Never saw a celebrity before, but finally I had a story to tell.

What happened next certainly made the story more interesting, not to mention totally unbelievable. She met my stare. Rather than totally ignore me she looked right at me, almost right through me, as if she was pissed off or something. I felt myself swallow and about choked on my burger. I started coughing and grabbed for my beer. At that point she smiled and started to laugh. The waitress came over to get her order but she just waved her off.

Why she then got up and walked over to my table was beyond me. What could I possibly have that she would want? But she was acting like she was interested in me. This is so Notting Hill. I should've spill orange juice or something on her.

She sat down in the chair right across from me, so I opened my mouth to introduce myself, but was quickly hushed when she put her finger to her mouth and gave me a don't say anything kinda face, the kind a mom'll give a kid who's being too loud in church or a piano recital or something. I wasn't quite sure what to do next and she sensed that. She motioned toward my plate to recommence eating, so I did. I motioned back to her if she'd like some, but she made a face like I'd offered her a pile of dogshit from my plate.

There we sat, me with my lunch and one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood, sitting there and smiling at me, but not saying a word. Whenever I started to say something I got that hushie face again. Whatever. She then glanced down at her watch. Taking the "hurry up" cue I wiped my mouth and motioned to the waitress for my check, now worried about saying anything to her. After I settled up, she gave me the universal "Let's go" cock of the head, along with a little smile. Who was I to say no?

I did wonder where we were headed. Then I started to get a little paranoid. Maybe she was a serial killer? I wondered if she had Robert Shapiro and Barry Scheck's numbers on her PalmPilot for such an eventuality. Maybe I'd wind up the next Ron Goldman is some grisly double murder. Hope she's not dating OJ. Oh fuck, maybe we'd die in a fucking mudslide or wildfire or just maybe I could put every fucking California cliche out of my head and enjoy this incredible moment.

We got to her house. I assumed it was hers. I think the map said it was Kitty Carlisle's (God rest her soul). She unlocked the door and disabled the security system. She turned to me and I pointed to my mouth meaning, "Well can we talk now?" Instead she walked over to me and kissed me. Once again, very Notting Hill. Also very nice. I hoped she didn't mind I'd put onions on my burger. Seemed she didn't.

She pulled away from me and started to blush. She looked down for a moment, so I gently cupped her lovely chin and drew my lips once again toward her. We kissed again, and our lips parted just enough that our tongues met. I felt a shiver as I enjoyed one of the more erotic kisses I'd ever had, and it had nothing to do with who she was. She took me by the hand--I'd given up trying to talk at this point, figuring there was only downside to that--and led me to the back of the house.

There was a bedroom downstairs. There was some medical equipment in there. I made a "wtf" face and she shook her head, meaning "huh uh, not mine, forget about it". She was also pretty adept at diverting my attention. She began unbuttoning her blouse slowly, then gave her breasts a little squeeze to pop open the front hook of her bra. Deft move. I pulled my shirt over my head and lied down next to her, feeling her breasts against my chest. I went to kiss her again, a bit more passionately, but she took my head and moved it down to her breasts. I took a nipple into my mouth, which tasted so sweet. I could feel the nipple harden as I gently nibbled it. My nipples got pretty hard too, and I was dying for her to touch them. As if she read my mind she caressed both of them with the tips of her fingers, sending yet another shiver down my spine and making me rock hard.

I wanted to place my hands all over her. I ripped off her blouse and bra and explored every inch of her luscious body, and pressing my cock up against her. I got the "SOMEBODY'S getting excited" evil leer from her. I reached down and pulled down her panties as she removed her skirt. Somehow we were doing all this as if we'd done it together many times before. She unzipped my fly, but I happily finished the task, and we lied back down together totally naked. I began to explore her lovely pussy. I placed my hand on her inner thigh and massaged it gently, teasing her with my hand. When I got the "touch it now or I'll fucking kill you" face I played with her clit and fingered her pussy to see how wet she was. I coulda sworn I heard her whisper "yes" ever so slightly. I went down on her as she wrapped her swimsuit model legs around my head. I explored her lovely pussy with my tongue and sucked and nibbled on her lips. I moved my tongue in and out of her and massaged her clit with my nose. I loved her taste, her smell, and I loved how wet she was and how hard it made me. I resisted the urge to grab myself as all I wanted to do was give her all the pleasure she wanted. I sucked on her pussy a bit harder and she bucked against me and her head jerked back. I could see the goosebumps on her tits as she moaned in delight.

She grabbed my cock and stroked it briefly before grabbing it and putting it inside her. She felt incredible and I told her so with closed eyes and a smile. She put her arms around me and dug her nails into my back as I thrust myself deeply inside her. We moved together in harmony as we felt each other's hot breath. Our breathing got faster as I pumped even harder. We made love for what seemed like forever, and we somehow ended up on the floor of the room, right next to one of those medical IV poles. With her on top of me she bucked against me as we both started to climax. We screamed in ecstasy as I felt her pussy twitch. I couldn't hold on any longer as I shot my load deep inside her. She let out a cry and came once more as I shuddered and shot every bit of my cum. As we tried to catch our breath she laid her head down on my chest. I could feel the sweat from her hair. I squeezed her tightly and wrapped my legs around hers, our bodies entwined.

"Well, that was interesting", she finally spoke.

"May I open my mouth now?"

"Yeah, sure, why not?"

"I can't believe what just happened. I don't know what to say. Ummm, I'm a big fan..." (I'm such a dork)"...seen all your movies. Say, is Christopher Walken as cool as he seems?"

She started to laugh and she rolled her eyes. "I'm not Alicia Silverstone."

"Oh, you're not?"

"Disappointed?"

A near fatal pause...."Uh no. NOOO". Trying too hard. "I mean yeah at first I thought you were, but then I realized you were much prettier than her." I hoped my sweetness would trump my flaw in logic.

She started to laugh. "Nice try, kiddo. Apology accepted. I get that a lot, I mean, the whole Alicia Silverstone thing. I think she's totally hot so I consider it a real complement."

"Well, you are beautiful no matter what."

"Thanks, that's sweet." She pushed one side of her hair back behind her ear, which suggested to me she appreciated the complement. I was starting to pick up her non-verbal cues. Had a lot of practice in the last couple hours. "I'm Isabelle."

"My name's Steve. Tell me something, why did you......."

"My boyfriend. Fucker. Been cheating on me for the last couple months and I'm sick of it. Figured it was time to get him back. There you were. You seemed nice. You're cute. And today was your lucky day I suppose. I feel much better now."

"You're gonna tell him about...."

"No, he'll never know, he'll never suspect. We're good."

"So you live here then."

"Yeah, for the next couple weeks at least. This is Kitty Carlisle's house, you know from...."

"....To Tell the Truth, I know."

"I was helping her out full-time. Sweet lady, god she was beautiful when she was younger. She wanted to live to be 100, didn't quite make it though. She passed away two weeks ago. Soooo, looks like I'm out of a job."

"Well, maybe you can be a stunt double in "Clueless II: The Wrath of Cher".

"Cute. Or, maybe I'll take it one day at a time and see what happens. And just so you know, my boyfriend's outta town for the next three days, and I'm still a little pissed off."

"I'll stop talking immediately."

"Good decision, Stevie!" And for the next three days, it definitely was. Unfortunately for me, Isabelle stopped being mad, but at least, I finally had my Hollywood story. One I'd keep for myself to bring a smile to my face for years to come.

Hi there,

You did a good job of voicing your narrator; his interpretations of her non-verbal cues are nice character moments, and I quite enjoyed the little internal self-criticisms as he starts chatting with the woman at the end of the piece. Your ability to craft prose and dialogue are just fine.

To be frank, though, I found the content of the piece dull. The build-up to the sex isn't that compelling on its own, and the sex is pretty lackluster as well. The physical descriptions are fine, but where's the tension? The excitement? Even a stroke piece needs emotional/psychological tension if the sex is going the be more interesting than watching someone assemble a piece of furniture.

My suggestion would be to ask yourself, before starting a story, what about it makes it interesting to a potential audience? It might be exciting for you, imagining fucking an Alicia Silverstone look-alike, but that's not going to be enough for your readers.

Again, your writing skills are fine, and aspects of your narrative style are distinctive. Just give yourself worthy material to work with.

-Nasha

Thank you Nasha,

Your comments are appreciated, thank you. I think you hit upon some of the elements I think I do OK, such as self-deprecation w/o overstating it, for instance. Could you clarify a phrase for me--stroke piece? (Not sure I knew what that was, much less that I'd just written one, thanks! Pardon my ignorance.....)

Did you think this premise had no chance, re creating the tension you felt was lacking? Or do you think it could have been there, and I just didn't pull it off?

Again, thanks for the encouragement.....

ninefe2dg said:

Could you clarify a phrase for me--stroke piece? (Not sure I knew what that was, much less that I'd just written one, thanks! Pardon my ignorance.....)

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My notion of what a stroke piece is isn't definitive, but my take is that a piece that's purely stroke has getting the reader off sexually as its main goal. Any plot and character development that happen are there solely to make the sex sexier. That's as opposed to a lot of other porn/erotica that has plenty of explicit sex, but which also has a meaningful story.

Just to be clear, I'm not labeling your story a stroke piece; my point was just that even a piece of fiction geared exclusively toward getting the reader off needs to do more than show the naughty bits rubbing together to work.

ninefe2dg said:

Did you think this premise had no chance, re creating the tension you felt was lacking? Or do you think it could have been there, and I just didn't pull it off?

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I think most any premise has the potential for sexual, emotional, and psychological tension; just, some premises have those things almost built-in, and others require that the tension be created as part of the interaction between the specific characters.

Your premise falls into the latter category; there's nothing inherently compelling about a pair of people having a casual shag minutes after meeting, even if one of them is a hopeless stargazer who thinks the other one is Alicia Silverstone. In an erotic story, it's pretty much a given that there's going to be sex. So nobody's waiting with bated breath wondering, is she really going to let him fuck her? We all know she is.

Where you can make it interesting, though, is in making the interaction between them unexpectedly tender or sad or scary or funny, etc., as a result of the characters' unique personalities, frame of mind, etc.

In Clueless, we eventually find out that Isabelle picked up Steve because she's angry at her cheating boyfriend. In my opinion, THAT is where you can make this story interesting. If, for example, you let a sense of anger, sadness, desperation come through on her part, and have Steve start to wonder if "Alicia" is a bit scary, if maybe shagging her is a bad idea, and he starts to back off and she gets more clingy, suddenly there's some serious tension, and I'm interested.

ninefe2dg said:

Again, thanks for the encouragement.....

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You're most welcome. Keep it up. The more we write, the better we get, eh?

-Nasha

Even more helpful still.....

......again very useful, thank you. What I'm hearing (or what I think or hope I'm hearing!) is that the elements are there, but could have been developed/put together a bit more. Regarding Isabelle as "scary", Steve does ruminate a bit (is he the next Ron Goldman et al), so there may have been a way to tie that back to whatever emotions Isabelle might have been feeling....interesting, will try to work w/ that a bit more.

After I asked about stroke piece I kinda figured it out, thanks for clarifying!

Will read some more of Hurt later on.....

I'm actually LMAO. You've done what all the dorks on Lit have tried to do in the Celeb/Fan Fic Cat - and done it on purpose. You've taken some faceless Celeb fantasy and made a story about a non-Celeb. Most writers take their perverse fantasy of Marjory Maine, call her Lindsey Lohan and think I'm fooled.
Good twist. (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0537685/ for those who don't remember her)

Frankly, almost all the Celeb/Fan Fic stories are boring as hell. You did good, dude. With a little more development and characterization you have a great story.

Let your characters talk and tell the story. Your narration is pretty dull. It's like the tired, old saw, "Two guys walked into a bar..."

Not grammar-checking, although if you want it, I will be happy to do so:

The first three paragraphs could be pared down to one or two, I think. Diverting from the guy sitting there into narration about houses which, at the start of the story, the reader probably couldn't care less about, is a little bit jarring. I would pare them down and include more action.

There is a lot of extraneous narration. 'What happened next certainly made the story more interesting, not to mention totally unbelievable,' for instance. It sort of feels like the reader is being jerked along.

Notting Hill should be italicized.

The scene, the spilling orange juice, still doesn't feel like there's action or conflict. Like people have said, you have a solid narrative voice here, but I would try to use it more, to put more action into it.

'One of the most erotic kisses I've ever had' tells, not shows. Again, more action there - whyis it erotic? All you say is that their lips part enough that their tongues meet - well, what makes that any different than just about any other kiss out there? Details, from said dude's perspective, would be nice to have. He's got a point of view - why not show us, from his point of view, what makes that kiss special?

"wtf" face - No. Internet acronyms should never be used in fiction, in my book, and it distracts.

The different faces - SOMEONE's getting excited and touch it now or I'll fucking kill you don't really work for me.

You're telling, not showing, with the sex scene too. To me there isn't much special about the sex scene; there isn't really any twist to it that makes it different than anything else. Again, your narrator has a solid, distinct personality - show it from his perspective.

Alicia Silverstone? This may just be me, but cultural references in a story will date it. I would suggest, say, stating the year at the start of the story so that it will have a set time to it, rather than, say, a reader finding the story years from now and going 'What the hell?' For instance, in the '60s Raquel Welch was hot, but she's about eighty million )) years old today, and if your narrator were to make comparisons her in a story that doesn't have a set time period of 1960, your reader will (generally) laugh at the idea. This story, twenty years from now, will perhaps make people laugh at the idea of Alicia Silverstone being hot, which is why I suggest dating it clearly so people know the year. Maybe that's just me, but I figured I would offer the suggestion.

I would include whom the narrator thinks she is earlier, as it didn't really matter to me that she wasn't, when she said she wasn't (as you hadn't mentioned her before).

To sum up, show a bit more (especially including action), try to differentiate your sex scene a bit, and bring your narrator's personality to the forefront a little more.

Hope that helps.

Good Story

Thanks......

liquidpen said:

Good Story

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......liquidpen, honored my story was worth your first post

Nice story.

Sorry, Jenny......

Jenny_Jackson said:

I'm actually LMAO. You've done what all the dorks on Lit have tried to do in the Celeb/Fan Fic Cat - and done it on purpose. You've taken some faceless Celeb fantasy and made a story about a non-Celeb. Most writers take their perverse fantasy of Marjory Maine, call her Lindsey Lohan and think I'm fooled.
Good twist. (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0537685/ for those who don't remember her)

Frankly, almost all the Celeb/Fan Fic stories are boring as hell. You did good, dude. With a little more development and characterization you have a great story.

Let your characters talk and tell the story. Your narration is pretty dull. It's like the tired, old saw, "Two guys walked into a bar..."

Click to expand...

........as perhaps you were loaded for bear and ready to skewer me for being one of the many dorks with a faceless Celeb fantasy, and I go and rob you of that! Sorry 'bout that

Thanks! (Not so much for the feedback, I've been jerking off to Marjory Maine pix for the last 24 hours)......no really, your comments are very useful, and I was hoping you'd have a look and comment.

As I said I like to write dialogue, then I go and post a story where nobody talks until the end. Go figure. I like the idea of them talking, but agree the narration needs some spice. Maybe an internal conversation by Steve? He does a little of that, I could work on it a bit.

My new corollary to your "Two guys walked into a bar.....", to borrow a phrase from American Pie.....if you can precede a paragraph with the phrase: "This one time, in band camp....", and it works, then the narration needs some work. Some of my paragraphs don't pass the band camp test.

Thanks again!

Thanks fcdc

fcdc said:

Not grammar-checking, although if you want it, I will be happy to do so:

Glad you did, though I take some liberties I don't presume I catch any real mistakes!
The first three paragraphs could be pared down to one or two, I think. Diverting from the guy sitting there into narration about houses which, at the start of the story, the reader probably couldn't care less about, is a little bit jarring. I would pare them down and include more action.

There is a lot of extraneous narration. 'What happened next certainly made the story more interesting, not to mention totally unbelievable,' for instance. It sort of feels like the reader is being jerked along.

Make sense
Notting Hill should be italicized.

The scene, the spilling orange juice, still doesn't feel like there's action or conflict. Like people have said, you have a solid narrative voice here, but I would try to use it more, to put more action into it.

Maybe you caught the reference and I missed that you caught it....in Notting Hill, one of Hugh Grant's and Julia Roberts's (she being the famous Anna Scott) first interactions had to do with his spilling oj on her....I was thinking of moving that, but, to your point, I'm hearing a common them from all the comments re "less dull, more action, make characters come alive to tell the story".....all very helpful advice that makes sense now that I can look at this more objectively.
'One of the most erotic kisses I've ever had' tells, not shows. Again, more action there - whyis it erotic? All you say is that their lips part enough that their tongues meet - well, what makes that any different than just about any other kiss out there? Details, from said dude's perspective, would be nice to have. He's got a point of view - why not show us, from his point of view, what makes that kiss special?

I'm thinking maybe it's all superficial now, that it's BECAUSE she's A.S. that he finds it erotic, but then throughout the course of the encounter, it's more about her the person, so that he really isn't disappointed she ain't really A.S. (or at worst mildly so, still need "apology accepted Kiddo", I happen to like that exchange)
"wtf" face - No. Internet acronyms should never be used in fiction, in my book, and it distracts. pt (point taken)
The different faces - SOMEONE's getting excited and touch it now or I'll fucking kill you don't really work for me. Yep, I think I can make the fucking kill you a kinder/gentler/more playful fucking kill you......
You're telling, not showing, with the sex scene too. To me there isn't much special about the sex scene; there isn't really any twist to it that makes it different than anything else. Again, your narrator has a solid, distinct personality - show it from his perspective.

OK, consistent w/ Nasha furniture assembly comment, though I must admit, I once put together an entertainment center from Home Depot and had a raging hard on the entire time , again, points taken.
Alicia Silverstone? This may just be me, but cultural references in a story will date it. I would suggest, say, stating the year at the start of the story so that it will have a set time to it, rather than, say, a reader finding the story years from now and going 'What the hell?' For instance, in the '60s Raquel Welch was hot, but she's about eighty million )) years old today, and if your narrator were to make comparisons her in a story that doesn't have a set time period of 1960, your reader will (generally) laugh at the idea. This story, twenty years from now, will perhaps make people laugh at the idea of Alicia Silverstone being hot, which is why I suggest dating it clearly so people know the year. Maybe that's just me, but I figured I would offer the suggestion.

Well, technically, I do date the story. Kitty Carlisle popped into my head as a good archane celeb. I went to imdb.com to check the spelling of Carlisle and found out she really did die about a month ago, at age 97. That gave me a way to get Isabelle into a Beverly Hills home. Lucky for me, not so lucky for Kitty Carlisle. Of course, if you ask someone what they were doing the day Kitty Carlisle died, most would say "who the fuck is Kitty Carlisle?"....so I s'pose I could put in some present day references, thanks.I would include whom the narrator thinks she is earlier, as it didn't really matter to me that she wasn't, when she said she wasn't (as you hadn't mentioned her before).

To sum up, show a bit more (especially including action), try to differentiate your sex scene a bit, and bring your narrator's personality to the forefront a little more.

Hope that helps.

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Yes it does, I'm hearing overall the narration needs work, but to make it more personal, from the narrator's perspective a bit more....thanks