What does "sexually compatible" mean?

I mean, really, what does it mean when someone says you should find out if you're sexually compatible? This is THE most common argument I hear when someone finds out that intend to wait until I'm married to have sex with someone. Seriously, what does this mean? Sex doesn't "fix" anything, so how does having sex make you make sure you're compatible vs. having a solid relationship built on trust, understanding, communication, similar likes and dislikes, etc?

Sex may not "fix" anything, but life sure sucks when you are not sexually compatible with your partner!! Sex is SO much more than just the old "in and out" to me. It is an expression of love and desire and an emotional release for me.

Sexually compatible to ME = do you both desire the same frequency of sex, how open is he/she to trying new things? and I guess, most importantly, how open is the line of communication to discussing the sexual relationship.

Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it is a very big part of it. I think there has to be some common denominators in that sense or the relationship just won't work for the long-term. I would be miserable if I were with someone who was my complete polar opposite in the bedroom.

I think that the definition of "sexual compatibility" varies depending on the individual/couple. I also think that you have to do what's right for you and your SO. If you're doing what's best for your relationship, then other people's opinions (ours included) should be irrelevant.

Reba67 said:

Sex doesn't "fix" anything, so how does having sex make you make sure you're compatible vs. having a solid relationship built on trust, understanding, communication, similar likes and dislikes, etc?

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People who are looking for sex to "fix" all of their problems probably have more deeply-rooted issues. I guess I'm of the opinion that sexual attitudes and behaviors can fall into the "likes and dislikes" category. I don't think it's the be all-end all when it comes to determining compatibility, but I do think it's one aspect of overall compatibility. However, I also believe that there's more to a relationship than sexual compatibility, or at least there should be.

Judging from the number of threads around here from men and women whose partners either lost interest in sex or were never really interested to begin with, I'd say that sexual compatibility (or lack thereof) can be a bit of a sticking point. It's been my experience that when other aspects of a relationship have problems, the quality/quantity of sex tends to reflect that.

Just my opinion. Doubt if I answered any of your questions, though.

Sexual compatibility is...

...general agreement on sexual likes and dislikes


It's important. Sex and love mean a lot of different things to people, and some of those things can't be expressed or understood in any other way than through the intimacy of sex.

I would want to have an idea, before marriage, of how sexual intimacy would change our relationship. Because sex always changes things and those changes are important to knowing each other in a forever kind of way.

Or maybe I just can't resist the kisses.

heh, first off sometimes people don't genitalily fit each other. that's one good thing to find out.

but mainly sexual compatibilty is about how your passion, your sex drives match up. your tastes, your desires. your fanatisies your wishes. what if you like to experiement with different positions, for example, but he only wants to do it missionary? you're going to very frustrated for the rest of your life.

sexual intimacy is very important. you may be in a wonderful, loving relationship but if everytime when you get in the bedroom (or wherever) and things get weird and uncomfortable between the two of you, there is a problem. it's good to know if one of you has personal issues regarding intimacy before you sell your soul (i mean, before you get married, hehe)

but hey, stick to your morals.


great repsonses in here!

Reba67 said:

I mean, really, what does it mean when someone says you should find out if you're sexually compatible? This is THE most common argument I hear when someone finds out that intend to wait until I'm married to have sex with someone. Seriously, what does this mean? Sex doesn't "fix" anything, so how does having sex make you make sure you're compatible vs. having a solid relationship built on trust, understanding, communication, similar likes and dislikes, etc?

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It means that your idea of horrible, poor, bad, good, great and amazing sex might be completely different from the person who wants to have sex with you. This isn't something that can just be talked about. Its not something that religion, parents or other relatives should have any say in. Sex is something that bares the individual in so many ways that it simply can't be explained without actually doing it. And being as bared and vulnerable with one another as possible is something that definitely should be done LONG before marriage creeps up.

Waiting until marriage for sex is by far one of the most horrible mistakes a couple can make. This point has been argued so many times in here that I'm surprised its not in the Blank Manual.

as far as I know it just means do you two like the same things in sex and can you please each other. Being able to make it good for your partner will come with time having sex with that person assuming you communicate what you like or don't, and listen to yoru partner when they do. And for liking the same things, be open to trying things and you will find what you both like.

Reba67 said:

Sex doesn't "fix" anything, so how does having sex make you make sure you're compatible vs. having a solid relationship built on trust, understanding, communication, similar likes and dislikes, etc?

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There is nothing wrong with "saving yourself for marriage" except that you don't have any framework to even discuss sexual preferences and libido to avoid the number two cause of divorce. (IIRC, the top two causes of divorce are money and sexual incompatibility.)

That's doubly a problem if your potential mate is also "saving it up for marriage."

There is no real substitute for experience when it comes to knowing what turns you on and what truly squicks you.

Reading, communication, and "petting" can go a long way to giving you an idea of whether you're sexually compatible with someone and should be a part of an exploration of "similar likes and dislikes" when you're contemplating a long-term commitment, like marriage -- even if you're both already sexually experienced.

Sex doesn't "fix" anything, but it most certainly has the potential to break a relationship. A marriage certificate doesn't have any magic powers to confer knowledge or compatability but it does have a certain magic to make a bad situation worse by adding legal complictions to a belated discovery of sexual incompatibility.

Waiting to have sex until after marriage carries no weight with me. I personally wouldn't even consider marrying someone who was a virtual stranger to me in the bedroom. As shallow as that may seem, it's the cold hard truth. Pleasure is the name of the game. Ah well, each to his own.

Weird Harold said:

(IIRC, the top two causes of divorce are money and sexual incompatibility.)

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is this true? i've never heard that before. and what is "IIRC"?

Weird Harold said:

A marriage certificate doesn't have any magic powers to confer knowledge or compatability but it does have a certain magic to make a bad situation worse by adding legal complictions to a belated discovery of sexual incompatibility.

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this is definatly true!!

Lessons-n-Lust said:

Waiting to have sex until after marriage carries no weight with me. I personally wouldn't even consider marrying someone who was a virtual stranger to me in the bedroom. As shallow as that may seem, it's the cold hard truth. Pleasure is the name of the game. Ah well, each to his own.

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it doesn't seem shallow to me at all. i agree with you. a relationship may be fulfilling in other areas, but if the sex is not fulfilling then the whole relationship isn't. it's just like with your self.... the mind/spirt/body thing. you need to be healthy in all areas...

I don't think two people are sexually compatible or they aren't. It isn't like you find a sexually compatible soul mate.

Now, if you're into hard core BDSM, and your partner only wants to have sex missionary style with the lights out, then you might have a problem. However, I think there are very few people who start out a relationship as sexually perfect for one another - you have to learn eachothers likes/dislikes, become comfortable with one another, etc.

And if you want to do this after marriage, rather than before, it is completely your decision.

Sexual compatibility comprises many issues such as:

when to have sex (before marriage or after)?

how often to have sex?

monogamous, poly, "open", or mostly monogamous but with occasional threesomes?

Anal sex, yay or nay?

giving oral sex, yay or nay

slow and sensous? rough and rowdy? quick and to the point? a good variety of all the above?

kinky or not kinky?

bdsm or vanilla?

dominant or submissive?

Those are just a few things off the top of my head that would affect my decision as to whether or not I consider someone sexually compatible with me or not.

I sure as hell wouldn't want to find out AFTER THE MARRIAGE that my partner is a boring, missionary, sex in the dark, type of person! It would totally ruin the relationship for me.

bisexplicit said:

I don't think two people are sexually compatible or they aren't. It isn't like you find a sexually compatible soul mate.

Now, if you're into hard core BDSM, and your partner only wants to have sex missionary style with the lights out, then you might have a problem. However, I think there are very few people who start out a relationship as sexually perfect for one another - you have to learn eachothers likes/dislikes, become comfortable with one another, etc.

And if you want to do this after marriage, rather than before, it is completely your decision.

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Bi, I agree with most of what you say here. It's quite true that perfect sexual compatibility rarely exists from the start of a relationship. In fact, finding sexual compatibility is something of a crapshoot. Even when it appears that two people have similar levels of sexual desire and similar interests in experimentation, etc. the long-term outcome may be quite different.

In the first year or two of a relationship we tend to see our partner through rose-colored glasses. We want them so much that we often see what we want to see and may fail to recognize signs that what we think we're seeing as truth is actually an illusion. I think this is largely the cause of the many complaints that sex falls off badly after the wedding. There is also the fact that most of us are conditioned to want to please our partner in order to achieve the goal of marriage. Once that goal is met, we often don't have the wisdom to create a new goal of establishing a solid relationship that will endure for decades. Instead, it becomes easy to think that the hard part is over and that it's now much less important to put other concerns aside in order to continually please our partner.

Let me take an example from real life. A couple meet, find that they have chemistry, and for the two or three years that they're dating before marriage they have sex regularly. She seems to be willing to have sex virtually every night, which is almost as frequently as he wants it. What he fails to take into account is that because they live apart, he can't know what her level of desire is on the several nights per week that they are not together.

He meets her parents and notices that they have a cordial but not very warm relationship. He's young and hasn't yet found out that acorns rarely fall far from the tree. He never sees his prospective father-in-law give his wife a hug and, in fact, when he is at their house late he sees that the wife often goes to bed two or three hours earlier than her husband.

Fast forward a few years. Now the young couple has been married for a while and he sees that his bride, whose independence and self-discipline attracted him in the first place, has established a pattern of involving herself in projects around the house in the evenings. By the time she's ready for bed, she's exhausted and has only a begrudging interest in sex. The "every night" sex that he experienced during courtship was an illusion.

I can tell you what happened in this case. He eventually divorced her. Though other and even more compelling reasons prompted their split, this incompatibility was definitely a factor in creating a weak relationship that could not withstand harsh pressures on the couple that they could never have foreseen.

I would also like to suggest that incompatibility exists in more subtle forms than the example you gave. It's not just about what happens in the bedroom; it's about what happens inside the minds and spirits of the partners.

Catalina1976 said:

it doesn't seem shallow to me at all. i agree with you. a relationship may be fulfilling in other areas, but if the sex is not fulfilling then the whole relationship isn't. it's just like with your self.... the mind/spirt/body thing. you need to be healthy in all areas...

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And that is exactly what I was getting at, Catalina. I've never heard anyone complain that their relationship sucks because they like buttered popcorn while their partner likes it plain. Sexual dissatisfaction on the other hand is always a hotbed of controversy when it comes to relationship discontentment.

Sex is incredibly important in most marriages. I'll go so far as to say it is the bedrock of the marriage. It certainly isn't the only thing, but it is so important that I'd venture to say that few marriages survive for long in the abscence of a proper sex life.

That is not to say that there aren't many people quietly suffering in marriages where there is a lack of sex and intimacy. There certainly are.

Generally speaking, despite many notable exceptions - women tend to require the relationship to be good in order to allow them to desire and enjoy sex. Whereas, men tend to require sex in order for the rest of the relationship to be good. Again... there are many exceptions to this.

However, I think the generalization helps demonstrate the often fundamental differences in sexual desire and need that exist between men and women which often do not appear until after marriage.

Many women completely fail to apprecaite the extreme NEED that men have for sex. Men's desire often gets characterized as nothing more meaningful than a physical release. This could not be further from the truth. Otherwise, countless men would be perfectly happy taking long showers instead of silently longing to be with their wives. For men, sex is a way to establish and maintain emotional intimacy, trust, acceptance, and affection.

I never feel closer to my wife than after we have sex and/or make love. Without that physical intimacy, I will not experience those feelings of total acceptance, love, and trust.

To me, a marriage without fulfilling sex is like having no more than a roomate.

Reba67 said:

I mean, really, what does it mean when someone says you should find out if you're sexually compatible? This is THE most common argument I hear when someone finds out that intend to wait until I'm married to have sex with someone. Seriously, what does this mean? Sex doesn't "fix" anything, so how does having sex make you make sure you're compatible vs. having a solid relationship built on trust, understanding, communication, similar likes and dislikes, etc?

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It has been said that, when the sex is GOOD, it makes up only about 10% of a relationship. But, when the sex is BAD, it makes up about 90% of a relationship.

Let's face it, as puritanical as our society is about it, sex is a VERY crucial part of any romantic relationship... If two people are sexually incompatible (i.e., do not have similar views on the importance of sex, do not have similar sex drives, do not have similar fantasies, do not have similar "kinks", etc.), the relationship will most likely fail in the long run.

Attitudes toward sex are also part of sexual compatibility - are you a playful lover, while he takes it very seriously? Do you have a lot of guilt associated with sex, religious or otherwise, and how will that affect what you do together? Is he the kind of guy who likes to wander around the house naked all the time while you don't want to see dangly bits unless it's in bed? Are you the type to initiate sex when you want it, or do you wait for him to initiate sex all the time? Do you place the same importance on sex and intimacy as he does? Are you reading stories on Lit and exploring your turn-ons while he would freak out if he knew you were so sexually adventurous?

You can talk about a lot of these issues, but I feel that some things you just can't know about each other unless you open up the relationship to include sex.

As someone posted, sex opens the door to emotional intimacy for men. It's hard to know what that will mean - what is a man like when he feels emotionally intimate with you - until you experience it. You also don't know how you will feel until you experience it.

Apologies in advance because I realize that this is getting off-track a bit, but I have to address it:

Mr. Mann said:

Many women completely fail to apprecaite the extreme NEED that men have for sex. Men's desire often gets characterized as nothing more meaningful than a physical release. This could not be further from the truth. Otherwise, countless men would be perfectly happy taking long showers instead of silently longing to be with their wives. For men, sex is a way to establish and maintain emotional intimacy, trust, acceptance, and affection.

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I think it's more complicated than this.

I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you, but I think there are men out there who completely fail to appreciate that women have needs that have to be met that aren't sexual, and sometimes it's difficult to feel sexy/sexual when those needs aren't being met.

In my first marriage, my ex and I both worked. He had a full-time job that required a lot of deadlines and travel; he worked six days a week and on Sunday, his day off, he had a hobby that took up the entire day and often required travel. I was teaching at a small college (full-time course load for part-time pay). Since my ex was often gone before the kids got up in the morning and was rarely home before they went to bed, I had sole responsibility for running the household (housework, childcare, bill-paying, etc.).

Once the kids went to bed, I had to grade papers and plan for my classes. Exhausted and overwhelmed, I'd fall into bed. When my husband rolled in at 11:00 or later wanting to fuck, I was less than receptive to his advances. While I understand (more so now than I did back then) that he was looking to have a particular need met, it was difficult for me to accommodate him without resenting him because I felt that my (nonsexual) needs weren't being met.

Just another perspective.

Mr. Mann said:

To me, a marriage without fulfilling sex is like having no more than a roomate.

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To me, an attitude like that is kindof disturbing. Now, I feel like sexual intimacy is important (incredibly important, actually), but I believe marriage to be MUCH more than sex with a roomate.

Do you love and care for roomates? Does that mean if your wife was no longer able to have sex with you, that you'd leave her?

Ugh, it just disgusts me that people think that way.

bisexplicit said:

To me, an attitude like that is kindof disturbing. Now, I feel like sexual intimacy is important (incredibly important, actually), but I believe marriage to be MUCH more than sex with a roomate.

Do you love and care for roomates? Does that mean if your wife was no longer able to have sex with you, that you'd leave her?

Ugh, it just disgusts me that people think that way.

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There was someone who posted here a couple of months back. His SO has MS. He said that it wasn't fair for him to have celibacy imposed upon him because of his partner's health issues and subesquent lack of desire and that if he wasn't gettin' it at home, he'd get it elsewhere.

On the one hand, I feel for him. I really do. On the other hand, I feel for the partner. It's not fair that she has an illness that will likely end her life. I'd think sex wouldn't be a priority for her.

Eilan said:

There was someone who posted here a couple of months back. His SO has MS. He said that it wasn't fair for him to have celibacy imposed upon him because of his partner's health issues and subesquent lack of desire and that if he wasn't gettin' it at home, he'd get it elsewhere.

On the one hand, I feel for him. I really do. On the other hand, I feel for the partner. It's not fair that she has an illness that will likely end her life. I'd think sex wouldn't be a priority for her.

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In a situation like that, she might agree to her husband having an external relationship. If not, then he can most certainly masturbate and meet his needs that way.

I don't see it as a legitimate excuse for cheating.

bisexplicit said:

. If not, then he can most certainly masturbate and meet his needs that way.

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that is an extremely unsatisfying way for a man to experience sex for a long time.
men need touch and intimacy as much as women do!

would you feel the same way if you couldn't have the intimacy of sharing sex with another person, perhaps for many years?
do you really believe you would be happy to masturbate solo for a lengthy period of time?
no intimacy whatsoever, apart from perhaps the occasional hug or kiss?

i don't think so.

bisexplicit said:

To me, an attitude like that is kindof disturbing. Now, I feel like sexual intimacy is important (incredibly important, actually), but I believe marriage to be MUCH more than sex with a roomate.

Do you love and care for roomates? Does that mean if your wife was no longer able to have sex with you, that you'd leave her?

Ugh, it just disgusts me that people think that way.

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If I had a spouse that was unable to have sex with me, I would divorce in a heartbeat. Sex is something I need and I will not be married to someone who can't give it to me. Sex is part of what makes a relationship a "romance." When it becomes a platonic friendship, I'm outta there!

I certainly wouldn't be satisfied with only masturbation. (and mind you, I'm female, so for a man it would be even more difficult, I imagine!)

SamhainDisciple said:

If I had a spouse that was unable to have sex with me, I would divorce in a heartbeat.

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Even if the inability to have sex is due to an accident or illness?