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Communication Rituals

Marquis

Marquis

Jack Dawkins
Joined
Jul 9, 2002
Posts
10,462
I wrote this for another website, but thought you guys might like to see it as well.

Communication is truly the backbone of ANY relationship. If you think about it, what is a social relationship but a long conversation, be the communication verbal or non-verbal?

If there is no communication, there is essentially no relationship.

I think for this reason it makes sense that communication is repeated over and over like a mantra as the answer to so many questions posted on forums like this one.

"I'm scared to push my sub because I'm afraid she won't use her safeword when she needs to."

"Communicate."

"How do I get my husband to understand I have submissive needs?"

"Communicate."

"I really, really want to fuck my girl in the ass!"

"Communicate. And lube."

While I think we all need a reminder every once in a while, I'd love to see the discussion move beyond the simple "you gotta communicate" slogan and into actual methods and strategies of communication.

To promote this, I want to share with you a communication ritual I created and invite others to give any insight they might have.

I call my ritual Symposium and it works like this:

The Dom and sub(s) sit on the floor, somewhere kind of comfortable like a rug or carpet. I like sitting on the floor for this because it keeps people focused. They each have a candle in front of them, with the Dom having a bigger candle to represent his greater responsibility.

The time is used for open communication and exposition about issues important to the relationship and people's general feelings. D/s protocol and expectations are set aside to allow for the unhindered sharing of feelings. Symposium can be called on by any member of the relationship if they feel it is necessary, but occasional maintainence Symposiums are a good idea too, even when nothing is going wrong.

With all the busy things we do in our life, it can be hard to realize how little we may actually have focused communication with our loved ones, rather than talking over something else that has most of our attention.

There are some rules though. The conversation must be constructive. If a partner gets too emotional and doesn't think they can continue the conversation without getting upset, saying something hurtful that they don't mean, so on so forth; they blow out their candle and symposium ends. I think it is important to give someone an out rather than let a good conversation turn into a fight, and the embarassment of being the one to blow out the candle is punishment enough.

It's worked well for me.
 
Marquis said:
To promote this, I want to share with you a communication ritual I created and invite others to give any insight they might have.

I call my ritual Symposium and it works like this:

The Dom and sub(s) sit on the floor, somewhere kind of comfortable like a rug or carpet. I like sitting on the floor for this because it keeps people focused. They each have a candle in front of them, with the Dom having a bigger candle to represent his greater responsibility.

The time is used for open communication and exposition about issues important to the relationship and people's general feelings. D/s protocol and expectations are set aside to allow for the unhindered sharing of feelings. Symposium can be called on by any member of the relationship if they feel it is necessary, but occasional maintainence Symposiums are a good idea too, even when nothing is going wrong.

With all the busy things we do in our life, it can be hard to realize how little we may actually have focused communication with our loved ones, rather than talking over something else that has most of our attention.

There are some rules though. The conversation must be constructive. If a partner gets too emotional and doesn't think they can continue the conversation without getting upset, saying something hurtful that they don't mean, so on so forth; they blow out their candle and symposium ends. I think it is important to give someone an out rather than let a good conversation turn into a fight, and the embarassment of being the one to blow out the candle is punishment enough.

It's worked well for me.
Click to expand...


Simply beautiful :rose:

Catalina :catroar:
 
Aye, very spiffy Marquis.

And I really like using candles as a "ready to talk" type of symbol.
 
Interesting

Marquis said:
I wrote this for another website, but thought you guys might like to see it as well.

Communication is truly the backbone of ANY relationship. If you think about it, what is a social relationship but a long conversation, be the communication verbal or non-verbal?

If there is no communication, there is essentially no relationship.

I think for this reason it makes sense that communication is repeated over and over like a mantra as the answer to so many questions posted on forums like this one.

"I'm scared to push my sub because I'm afraid she won't use her safeword when she needs to."

"Communicate."

"How do I get my husband to understand I have submissive needs?"

"Communicate."

"I really, really want to fuck my girl in the ass!"

"Communicate. And lube."

While I think we all need a reminder every once in a while, I'd love to see the discussion move beyond the simple "you gotta communicate" slogan and into actual methods and strategies of communication.

To promote this, I want to share with you a communication ritual I created and invite others to give any insight they might have.

I call my ritual Symposium and it works like this:

The Dom and sub(s) sit on the floor, somewhere kind of comfortable like a rug or carpet. I like sitting on the floor for this because it keeps people focused. They each have a candle in front of them, with the Dom having a bigger candle to represent his greater responsibility.

The time is used for open communication and exposition about issues important to the relationship and people's general feelings. D/s protocol and expectations are set aside to allow for the unhindered sharing of feelings. Symposium can be called on by any member of the relationship if they feel it is necessary, but occasional maintainence Symposiums are a good idea too, even when nothing is going wrong.

With all the busy things we do in our life, it can be hard to realize how little we may actually have focused communication with our loved ones, rather than talking over something else that has most of our attention.

There are some rules though. The conversation must be constructive. If a partner gets too emotional and doesn't think they can continue the conversation without getting upset, saying something hurtful that they don't mean, so on so forth; they blow out their candle and symposium ends. I think it is important to give someone an out rather than let a good conversation turn into a fight, and the embarassment of being the one to blow out the candle is punishment enough.

It's worked well for me.
Click to expand...

Interesting idea....
 
As far as rituals goes that is pretty neat.

I don't have anything to add as a RL expereince, but once long ago had something set up to help foster or communicate online. I was tying to somehow add a bit of body language to online communication as crazy as that might sound. Basically long...long....ummmm..long ago when in chat, my ol submissive would always "approach and kneel". It was just what we both enjoyed doing at the time.

I had it set up so that if she knelt facing forward, that she was happy and everything was good. There was nothing troubling her and no matters of importance which needed my attention imediately. If she did this I knew I could continue socializing in the room until at such time I was ready to spend some time with her.

If she knelt facing left/right(can't remember now its been so long) It meant that she was fine, but there were important matters which she felt needed my attention as soon as possible. This allowed me to finish up any conversation in the room and then excuse myself so we could talk and I could find out what is going on.

If she knelt facing away, it meant she had done something she knew I would not approve of and required us to deal with it.

It worked fairly well for an online chatroom, I do not know if it would work in a practical way in RL though.

Pretty much now all I do is ask, whether online or RL. I actually just say....is there anything I should know about or anything on your heart or mind you need to share with me? Or I will say.... I have some things I wish to discuss that I am happy/unhappy about, and we do.

I guess since I have made communication almost a natural part of any interaction, there is really no need to ritualize it for me anymore. I can still see the value though in it if two people are having a hard time communicatiing or for things like resolution of conflicts.

I also see those BDSM limit lists things as a form of ritual which are meant to be used as a tool in order to communicate certain things about each other to one another.
 
I think it's an awesome idea. It's simple, but it would probably work quite well. :)
 
We have one but it's not for BDSM, it's for our family meetings.

I think yours sounds lovely.

Fury :rose:
 
FurryFury said:
We have one but it's not for BDSM, it's for our family meetings.

I think yours sounds lovely.

Fury :rose:
Click to expand...

I agree. Very nice. There are many different way to do it but the important thing is to make sure you both understand each other. Another way I look at it is that there are 3 parts to communication (and this is pretty basic), the sender, the receiver and the message. All three must be there for successful communication to occur.
 
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When we were in premarital counseling we learned a way of communicating that our counselor called 'the floor'. He gave us a tiny piece of tile, and whoever was holding it had 'the floor'. That person would say their piece then give it to the other person. Then the second person would say what they heard, cause as we all know people don't always hear what you're saying. They hear something completely different. Then it's handed back to person number one, who gets a chance to either say "yes that's what I'm saying" or "no, I said . . . ". You keep doing that till person number two hears what person number one is saying. Then person number two gets a chance to say their piece. Same rules.
 
Good thread Marquis and great responses. I was married for 18 years and I know how damaging no communication can be. It is what drove me to leave him and seek happiness elsewhere. My Dom had the same problem and we have vowed to not do it with each other. The good thing about being online only for 10 months is that we have learned the importance and how to communicate. Hopefully we will just improve on that once were living together. :)
 
graceanne said:
When we were in premarital counseling we learned a way of communicating that our counselor called 'the floor'. He gave us a tiny piece of tile, and whoever was holding it had 'the floor'. That person would say their piece then give it to the other person. Then the second person would say what they heard, cause as we all know people don't always hear what you're saying. They hear something completely different. Then it's handed back to person number one, who gets a chance to either say "yes that's what I'm saying" or "no, I said . . . ". You keep doing that till person number two hears what person number one is saying. Then person number two gets a chance to say their piece. Same rules.
Click to expand...

I like that idea, I may have to incorporate that somehow.
 
Great thread, Marquis.

I think the tile and the candle idea are excellent. Usually, my sub and I will spend about an hour each evening, in a quiet, low lit, relaxing environment talking about what happened that day and/or any problems either of us may have. If there is an arguement or problem, we do not go to sleep until both of us are satisfied with the end result.

I had heard a study the other morning, that the average couple with children spend less than 15 minutes a day talking to each other.
 
bullaford said:
I had heard a study the other morning, that the average couple with children spend less than 15 minutes a day talking to each other.
Click to expand...


:eek:

OMG Think that has something to do with the 50% divorce rate in the US? *shakes head*

I can't imagine only spending that short of a time talking with Master. We talk about everything under the sun. Of course, we also commute to work together every day of the week, which gives us the perfect amount of alone, adult talk together we just can't always find at home with our almost 13 year old.


BTW, great thread, Marquis!
 
bullaford said:
Great thread, Marquis.

I think the tile and the candle idea are excellent. Usually, my sub and I will spend about an hour each evening, in a quiet, low lit, relaxing environment talking about what happened that day and/or any problems either of us may have. If there is an arguement or problem, we do not go to sleep until both of us are satisfied with the end result.
Click to expand...

Me and K can't do that. When we're mad, tired, or sick we aren't reasonable. Sometimes we have to get some sleep and calm down before we can talk it out.

I had heard a study the other morning, that the average couple with children spend less than 15 minutes a day talking to each other.
Click to expand...

I've heard this. K laughed at the idea of me only talking to him for 15 minutes. Believe me, the only way I'd only talk to someone for 15 minutes is if they were only there for 15 minutes.

I talk quite a bit.
 
I've heard that about not going to sleep angry a lot. Fine if it works for others but to me it's not realistic, at least not for my relationship. It does not work for me or my husband. Sometimes he is on what I call "over drive," brought on by lack of sleep and sometimes alcohol. If you've ever seen a small child who didn't get their nap that day or is off schedule and had too much caffeine or sugar, that is what I'm talking about. Only he gets belligerent and goes off about, well it could be anything. There is no way to talk with him, soothe him or work anything out with him. He simply needs to go to sleep. The sooner the better. If he keeps talking it gets really nuts. He says things he doesn't even remember the next day.

On the other hand, when he is in his right mind, he gets his anger out pretty quickly and is done.

Not me. My anger is a longer lasting thing. It's hard to get me mad. It's hard for me to cool down. Usually reading a book for a while helps.

One of the most important gifts you can give each other sometimes it that space to allow the anger and hurt to dissipate so when you do talk it isn't from a place of rage and it isn't lashing out.

Since we do that, we rarely fight. We don't say things that we wish we could take back. My first relationship was full of that crap. In this one, we wait, we cool and we respect one another.

Our "family meeting" ritual is that we have a long staff or walking stick with a skull at the top of it. Only the person that has it can talk. Everyone one has a chance to be heard. No one is supposed to judge the other person. All feeling are valid. During the rough spot we went through with our daughter this ritual was essential in helping her feel she had a voice. I have used it whenever anyone in the house feels a need. It really does help.

Fury :rose:
 
FurryFury said:
I've heard that about not going to sleep angry a lot. Fine if it works for others but to me it's not realistic, at least not for my relationship. It does not work for me or my husband. Sometimes he is on what I call "over drive," brought on by lack of sleep and sometimes alcohol. If you've ever seen a small child who didn't get their nap that day or is off schedule and had too much caffeine or sugar, that is what I'm talking about. Only he gets belligerent and goes off about, well it could be anything. There is no way to talk with him, soothe him or work anything out with him. He simply needs to go to sleep. The sooner the better. If he keeps talking it gets really nuts. He says things he doesn't even remember the next day.
Click to expand...

Exactly. Trying to work it out when either of us is like that just makes things worse. Sometimes after a good nights sleep we'll wake up and not even know why we were so upset.

Not me. My anger is a longer lasting thing. It's hard to get me mad. It's hard for me to cool down. Usually reading a book for a while helps.
Click to expand...

I'm like that too. K gets mad quick and cools off quick. Sometimes we'll get in a fight, and then he'll cool off, and have to leave me alone, cause I do not want him around me right then, and if he gets pushy I get angrier. Believe me, no communication happens beyond screamed cuss words when I'm that mad.
 
All I can say is WOW

I would never have thought of those ideas. I will be showing hubby this to see what he thinks. We do communicate well, unless I get angry(which is rare). I have a problem with anger and tend to stuff it until it boils over. Then it seems to take me a while to calm down

That is one thing I am working on now, how to be assertive and realize that it does not mean it will lead to violence. Improving yourself and learning that what happened in the past will not always happen again is hard work.

When reading this thread I was thinking that is something I could do without feeling bad. So again thank you all for this thread and input :rose:

lil elmo
 
FurryFury said:
I've heard that about not going to sleep angry a lot. Fine if it works for others but to me it's not realistic, at least not for my relationship. It does not work for me or my husband. Sometimes he is on what I call "over drive," brought on by lack of sleep and sometimes alcohol. If you've ever seen a small child who didn't get their nap that day or is off schedule and had too much caffeine or sugar, that is what I'm talking about. Only he gets belligerent and goes off about, well it could be anything. There is no way to talk with him, soothe him or work anything out with him. He simply needs to go to sleep. The sooner the better. If he keeps talking it gets really nuts. He says things he doesn't even remember the next day.
Click to expand...


I sometimes get over worked and irrational, which is when I'd find something to be upset/mad about. Over the years, I have learned to realize that I am overworked and just tired. Thankfully, my sub also has learned how to soothe and calm me at those times.

I do agree tho, that there are times when people need to step away from the situation, regroup and begin again in a much calmer atmosphere.
 
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lil_elmo said:
That is one thing I am working on now, how to be assertive and realize that it does not mean it will lead to violence. Improving yourself and learning that what happened in the past will not always happen again is hard work.
Click to expand...

I think I needed that little reminder that the long road to recovery isn't always an easy one.

Thank you lil_elmo :rose:
 
bullaford said:
I sometimes get over worked and irrational, which is when I'd find something to be upset/mad about. Over the years, I have learned to realize that I am overworked and just tired. Thankfully, my sub also has learned how to soothe and calm me at those times.

I do agree tho, that there are times when people need to step away from the situation, regroup and begin again in a much calmer atmosphere.
Click to expand...

This "over drive" thing isn't his fault at all. The man works hard. He has the kind of job where you can't take phone calls because you are constantly on the move. I had him wear a pedometer one night to work and it was only half a shift. He had over 30,000 steps on it when he got home!

It helps to keep him in fine shape physically, though it also wears on him. He works thirteen and a half hour shifts though, that's a long shift. Not only that he switches from days to nights all the time. That also keeps him short of sleep. So I understand where this comes from.

I so wish I could soothe him like your sub does for you. In fact, I wish I were his sub and he my Dom. We do pretty darn well though. We know when soothing will work and when to get the hell out of the other ones way. *L*

Fury :rose:
 
FurryFury said:
This "over drive" thing isn't his fault at all. The man works hard. He has the kind of job where you can't take phone calls because you are constantly on the move. I had him wear a pedometer one night to work and it was only half a shift. He had over 30,000 steps on it when he got home!

It helps to keep him in fine shape physically, though it also wears on him. He works thirteen and a half hour shifts though, that's a long shift. Not only that he switches from days to nights all the time. That also keeps him short of sleep. So I understand where this comes from.

I so wish I could soothe him like your sub does for you. In fact, I wish I were his sub and he my Dom. We do pretty darn well though. We know when soothing will work and when to get the hell out of the other ones way. *L*

Fury :rose:
Click to expand...

Fury, I do hope you didn't think I was implying that him being in over drive mode was his fault. I know that, for me at least, being to the over drive point and irritable is on me before I realize it.
 
bullaford said:
Fury, I do hope you didn't think I was implying that him being in over drive mode was his fault. I know that, for me at least, being to the over drive point and irritable is on me before I realize it.
Click to expand...

No, not at all Bullaford. I was only explaining that it was understandable to me because if I worked to the point of fatigue, didn't get enough sleep and drank I would be beyond overdrive myself!

Fury :rose:
 
vent, rage & nap... then talk

I do like the candle idea... I may have to try it sometime... problem is my S/O just wants me to be happy & doesn't seem to ever have needs or concerns he wants addressed...Unfortunately I am still "unlearning" the bad habit of bottling it up ... I rarely communicate until I have hit FULL... then I tend to explode... once I do this it is wise to allow me to vent & cool down... usually a nap resets me into a better mindframe...
Then maybe have the candle preped & ready to go...lol :rolleyes:
 
Stegral said:
I do like the candle idea... I may have to try it sometime... problem is my S/O just wants me to be happy & doesn't seem to ever have needs or concerns he wants addressed...Unfortunately I am still "unlearning" the bad habit of bottling it up ... I rarely communicate until I have hit FULL... then I tend to explode... once I do this it is wise to allow me to vent & cool down... usually a nap resets me into a better mindframe...
Then maybe have the candle preped & ready to go...lol :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

Honestly, I'm not a Domme but that just wanting me to be happy and never having needs thing would drive me NUTS!!! I don't understand that at all. I understand wishing that I never had my own needs but I sure as hell do! I often don't find the time to meet them either. Hmm, maybe that's just me though.

Fury :rose:
 
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