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teacherman570

Really Experienced
Joined
Jun 15, 2003
Posts
147
The shifting black came from
the edge of the bed,
not from the night sky.
Undulating, sinuous, shining hardness
hiding softer wiles just underneath.
Closer it came until my breath
halted in my mouth; soft globes,
billowing over sheer, shining black
enveloped my senses, touched my lips,
and consumed me.
 
hi teacherman570. i see you've been around Litland for a while, but i don't recall seeing you before. welcome back :)

i love the image you've given me with this writing.

it's interesting how i've only thought of 'billowing' as something a light curtain does when blown by the wind... your image of breasts billowing over sheer, shining black is clever, in my opinion.


:)
 
wildsweetone said:
hi teacherman570. i see you've been around Litland for a while, but i don't recall seeing you before. welcome back :)

i love the image you've given me with this writing.

it's interesting how i've only thought of 'billowing' as something a light curtain does when blown by the wind... your image of breasts billowing over sheer, shining black is clever, in my opinion.


:)
Click to expand...

I'm a newbie to the forums, but I've submitted a few stories and poems over the years. It's actually been quite a few years since my last poem, but seeing all these literary delights, I was inspired. I also decided not to be a lurker and indulge in the delights of connecting with those here. But I wax poetic (and stoop to silliness)
If you were to see the real life inspiriation for "billowing" I think you would agree...
Thank you for your kind words!
 
isn't that one of the jobs of a poet? to transform the mundane into something different, something interesting?

:)
 
I agree completely. My libe abounds with the mundane, it's hard not to be overwhlemed by it...
How about this?

White

Shining firecly in the sky,
not the sun or stars but
the smile of one so fair
I cannot help but shield my eyes.
Overcome by radience
sheltered by nothing, and naked to
the muddied world
I bask in warmth, filled not by food
but by spirit.
 
Speaking of the transforming the mundane, you do that remarkably in "Autum Arena" and "Raindrops" with words and pictures.
 
i like 'White'! all that beauty in a smile. :)

thank you but i don't see anything mundane in autumn or in raindrops... *smile* nature is beautiful.
 
wildsweetone said:
i like 'White'! all that beauty in a smile. :)

thank you but i don't see anything mundane in autumn or in raindrops... *smile* nature is beautiful.
Click to expand...

Whoops... I agree will you. I guess by mundane I thought of normal life, but nature is indeed wondrous and beautiful, and the source of much of my inspiriation.


Green

Blurs of green whipping through
the windy morning, making
children dizzy with glee.
Trees silent to human ears, giggle
with the children as they
dance, singing songs of
ancient days.
A single orange streak among,
the green signals autumn chill
and the trees become somber,
singing in low tones.
Bowing to the rising sun, and
drinking its warmth, the trees lullaby
speaks quietly of sleeping through
to the next dewy spring.
 
actually, i don't like people re-writing my own work so i won't do it to yours... but... something i've been learning is that the last word on each line can be 'used' to give great emphasis.

do you feel you get that from having the word endings you have chosen?
 
I see what you mean. Having a preposition or conjunction takes away some of the flow and power of what's being said.

And I don't mind if you rewrite a little. I'm so out of practice I could use it. :)
 
teacherman570 said:
Whoops... I agree will you. I guess by mundane I thought of normal life, but nature is indeed wondrous and beautiful, and the source of much of my inspiriation.


Green

Blurs of green whipping through
the windy morning, making
children dizzy with glee.
Trees silent to human ears, giggle
with the children as they
dance, singing songs of
ancient days.
A single orange streak among,
the green signals autumn chill
and the trees become somber,
singing in low tones.
Bowing to the rising sun, and
drinking its warmth, the trees lullaby
speaks quietly of sleeping through
to the next dewy spring.
Click to expand...


lol it's not like i have a clue what i'm doing here okay... i'm still learning :)

'whipping' could be a good line ending
'morning' - ditto

i.e.

Blurs of green whipping
through the windy morning,
making children dizzy with glee.

any different? better? worse?

i like the aliteration - whipping/windy and morning/making
 
wildsweetone said:
lol it's not like i have a clue what i'm doing here okay... i'm still learning :)

'whipping' could be a good line ending
'morning' - ditto

i.e.

Blurs of green whipping
through the windy morning,
making children dizzy with glee.

any different? better? worse?

i like the aliteration - whipping/windy and morning/making
Click to expand...


Thanks for the suggestion... How about this?

Blurs of green whipping through
the windy morning,
making children dizzy with glee.
Trees silent to human ears, giggle
with the children as they dance,
singing songs of ancient days.
A single orange streak
among the green, signals autumn chill
and the trees become somber,
singing in low tones.
Bowing to the rising sun,
and drinking its warmth, the trees' lullaby
speaks quietly of sleeping
through to the next dewy spring.
 
teacherman570 said:
Thanks for the suggestion... How about this?

Blurs of green whipping through
the windy morning,
making children dizzy with glee.
Trees silent to human ears, giggle
with the children as they dance,
singing songs of ancient days.
A single orange streak
among the green, signals autumn chill
and the trees become somber,
singing in low tones.
Bowing to the rising sun,
and drinking its warmth, the trees' lullaby
speaks quietly of sleeping
through to the next dewy spring.
Click to expand...
this is a pretty fine poem, but (don't ya hate those big butts?) I see a tendency to use a multitude of gerunds...

What's a gerund? Well, my understanding is that any verb form ending <<< ;) there's one! in ING that when used, can also be taken for a noun. In my use of the word "ending" you see it happen. What I mean, is that the word is ending (verb) in 'ING' which also could mean that the ending (noun)of the word is 'ING'. See what I mean?

Apparently, gerunds aren't really desireable in large quantities. You may wish to pare them down.

Blurs of green whip through
the windy morning,
to make children dizzy with glee.
Trees silent to human ears, giggle
with the children as they dance
to songs of ancient days.
A single orange streak
among the green, signals autumn chill
and the trees become somber,
singing in low tones.
Bow to the rising sun,
and drink its warmth, the trees' lullaby
speaks quietly of lengthy slumber
through to the dewy spring

My opinions are only one voice. Please feel free to use or discard my suggestions as you see fit. I hope your poem becomes as wonderful as you wish it to be. Thanks for giving us all a glimpse.
 
I believe that I heard that in one of my English classes many moons ago, and I like the changes you suggested. Thanks!

Green

Blurs of green whip through
the windy morning,
to make children dizzy with glee.
Trees silent to human ears, giggle
with the children as they dance
to songs of ancient days.
A single orange streak
among the green, signals autumn chill
and the trees become somber,
singing in low tones.
Bowing to the rising sun,
and drinkingits warmth, the trees' lullaby
speaks quietly of lengthy slumber
through to the dewy spring.
 
teacherman570 said:
I believe that I heard that in one of my English classes many moons ago, and I like the changes you suggested. Thanks!<snip>
Click to expand...
You're welcome. I'm sure you could condense this piece even more, strengthening the poem, much as a sauciere lets a broth steam all the extraneous water off, to condense the flavour. I recommend letting this one simmer on the back burner for a week and then come back, taste it and see if you can't add your own seasonings and make it the best dish of the day!

Thanks again for letting us see your work as it progresses, that's always fun.
 
As I usually am impatient when I cook (I never manage to make a good broth, even when using good wine), I don't let my poetry sit, then come back. I tend to let them be, without correction and adaptation. I realize as I've going through these forums that I'm doing myself a disservice in that vein. I'll pick these poems up in a few days and seem what happens after I add a few more seasonings...

:)
 
Pink

Inside and outside,
moist and slick,
soft and dry,
both quivering at my touch.

A gasp from above me as my fingers
glide over naked flesh; a shiver
as I enter the undulating glove.

The sweet squeeze of pink on my fingers
tells me of future delights,
when my pink joins with hers.
 
Gray

Cold, sheer clouds, empty
on the darkening sky.
The air smell of snow,
A long winter to come.

On the table in front of me, gray
steam from rapidly cooling coffee,
beckons my mouth.

Staring at the sky, thinking of warmer
days, I drink, my throat
filled with spring rains
and summer thunder.
 
teacherman570 said:
The shifting black came from
the edge of the bed,
not from the night sky.
Undulating, sinuous, shining hardness
hiding softer wiles just underneath.
Closer it came until my breath
halted in my mouth; soft globes,
billowing over sheer, shining black
enveloped my senses, touched my lips,
and consumed me.
Click to expand...


it's all opinion, but I'm not liking the use of "globes". It seems to much like "knockers" or "melons" and doesn't flow with the rest of the poem.
Also, there's something just not right with "hiding softer wiles just underneith", for some reason it doesn't seem to flow right. Maybe taking "just" out might help, it's up to you. And how about another word instead of "shining" for the second time. Just a few thoughts. Other than that...me likey.

:D
 
teacherman570 said:
Cold, sheer clouds, empty
on the darkening sky.
The air smell of snow,
A long winter to come.

On the table in front of me, gray
steam from rapidly cooling coffee,
beckons my mouth.

Staring at the sky, thinking of warmer
days, I drink, my throat
filled with spring rains
and summer thunder.
Click to expand...

I like this one too. I just think putting "rapidly" into "steam from rapidly cooling coffee" seems to throw the beat off and causes me to rush through it. Instead of feeling like I can see the steam rising slowly, I feel like I'm having to jumble through the words really fast in this one part. I know you want to keep the meaning of how coffee just cools faster (and perhaps the symbolism I get from it: that one feels the warmth of spring and summer flies so rapidly by...perhaps also the warmth of life). You may think about adding another line so it might be like: "gray steam from my coffee/which sits cooling too swiftly/beckons my mouth".
 
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