New GFs into D/s, how do I start?

So my new girlfriend's really into, well, the whole shebang, really. She's done quite a lot with a couple different people. She definitely approaches it from a Dominant/Submissive perspective, she enjoys pain a little bit, though it's not her favorite thing. She knows the lingo, like topping and bottoming, words I'd never even heard of, let alone are only just beginning to get used to. She's read the Marquis de Sade, and the Story of O. It's not just a phase or a kink, it's a part of who she is, her entire personality. She's been like this as long as she can remember. She totally understands that this is not usually my thing, and is very understanding about my hesitancy and slow pace at even just learning about it, let alone actually doing much of it.

I've done scarves and handcuffs, light whipping and slapping, blindfolds, etc, with her and previous lovers, but only as a play sort of thing. But she is really into it in a whole other way. For her it all starts from a place about love and trust and totally giving yourself to someone. This is anathema to me. It's foreign, it scares me, i hardly know where to begin, it goes against my very grain. But for her... I'm interested, at least.

My sexual perspective has always been such that it's all about love and giving and making your partner as happy as possible and doing everything to make them understand how wonderful you think they are. Within that idea, there is absolutely no room for pain or submission. Being forced to really look at this perspective of mine for the first time, I realize that mine has been rather a black-and-white viewpoint. So now I'm looking for the shades of grey. And to be honest, when she talks to me about it, I can sense them. When she talks about completely giving herself to someone, and knowing that she's talking about me, there's something that stirs in me. On the surface I know it creeps me out- that's just my natural, common reaction. But underneath, there's something else. I'm interested in exploring it, I guess. It's just that it requires I really let go of some things. And I'm not sure I can, or if I even want to. So I guess I'm looking for advice. The more specific, the better. Anyone even been in a very similar circumstance? How do you begin to explore this? How do you feel comfortable with it?

I can pretty well deal with the idea of trying things, especially more abstracted things like props and all. But it's the root psychological part of it that is the real issue for me. Cause I think that that's what it really is all about. And if I wanna really do this, then that's what I want to explore. I think it would be pointless to just slap her and call her my bitch only because it turns her on. It needs to turn me on too, and it needs to be for the right reasons. While I can sense the allure of truly dominating her and having her truly be mine, I find it very hard to intellectualize it into any concrete thoughts. And in fact, if I think about it at all, it still kind of weirds me out.

Also, we're long distance, (yeah, nothing like starting out easy,) so really, aside from two hopeful visits over the next 5 months, this D/s thing really has nowhere to develop except in the emotional ether between us. She's suggested my telling her things to wear some days, because it gives her a little "sign" of me, and something she can do for me from afar in her daily life. So while she's not necessarily interested in a 24/7, she's certainly somewhere in between. And it only makes sense to me that a D/s relationship between us should have some sort of root in our day-to-day relationship and not be confined only to the bedroom. And while I can understand this, I can't quite yet understand it FOR ME.

Thanks for your time.

Sloely said:

My sexual perspective has always been such that it's all about love and giving and making your partner as happy as possible and doing everything to make them understand how wonderful you think they are. Within that idea, there is absolutely no room for pain or submission.

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I can relate to your confusion and desire to reach a place where you can accept and be a part of her chosen sexuality, though it also isn't always something that can be learned if you just are not wired that way. Not impossible in all instances though. Perhaps in pursuing the psychological, your above statement is a good place to begin. When you say it is aboutlove, giving, and making your partner happy while making them understand they are wonderful in your eyes, I sense you are looking at it from your previously held ideas of how that is achieved and displayed. It can limit people even in a vanilla relationship in the sense one partner might feel flowers and chocolates are the way to demonstrate their love and make the other happy, while their partner might actually see helping around the house and with child minding as a more genuine display.

In your new friend's case, she is into D/s and as such pain and submission could very well be what translates to love for her, what makes her happy. The thought process is finding that which works for your partner and through acknowledging that through actions and displays she relates to, you are showing love much more than if you insist she conform to what you believe to be the correct way to be in love. See what I am getting at? Still, it doesn't usually work for ever if you can't feel the same way, can't do those things because they are who you are, what you enjoy. I wish you well in getting to that point of meeting as it seems important to you, but think carefully about why you want to make this work so much, whether you can ever see yourself fulfilling her desires, or if you are better both finding someone who you can relate to better before it gets messsy and emotionally binding in a way which will result in 2 unhappy people trying to exist in the way the other wants but doesn't really feel.

Catalina

Hi Sloely,

My guess is the more to talk with her, the more you may come to understand what she really wants and why rather than what you think it is now.

It's good you feel a spark of interest and are willing to talk about it, research a bit and think about it a lot.

My husband was very reluctant to get started. He has a sure we can try it attitude. I am certain he would say we have had some of the best sex in our lives during this experimental time. I am also sure he would have to admit some things that he just "didn't get" before he now enjoys a great deal.

So, since it is long distance that gives you plenty of time and opportunity to talk and learn together what you each might want and enjoy trying.

To me, first it is about the relationship. Communication and caring about what the other person wants are both key.

Good luck and remember it is the journey not the destination that holds it's value.

Fury


(It's late and I need to get to bed so I hope this makes sense!)

My ex was pretty much in the same position because of my love for submission. She has/had serious issues with being dominate, she felt like if she exerted any control over me at all, even the kind I wanted, it would turn out really bad and she would hurt me. We had a lot of long, serious talks about why I wanted her to dominate me, what her doubts and concerns were, how slow we would take it, etc. I think she was just very scared of control herself; Fearing that she would do something I didn't like or actually hurt me, and it would end up hurting our relationship. But once we actually started doing things, she opened up more to the new ideas, and she really liked it. We just took it slow and talked about it a lot.


Heather

i have to admit that I am coming at this more from your girlfriend' s side of the equation, but though I would give what I can.

My boyfriend had played with other girls before with a lot of the trappings of BDSM, but most of them topped from the bottom, so the psycological connection was not present in the same way.

So the fact that I actually wanted him to be in charge and take control, came as a bit of a surprise to him. He calls himself a "popular demand Dom," and has said that he gets more out of my pleasure in being submissive than the act of domming, although he has come to enjoy that more than he thought he would.

Have you looked up the book, When Someone You Love is Kinky? I haven't read it, but have heard good things about it, and have enjoyed and found very helpful other books by the same authors. If you want an intresting combination of inside veiw and sociological/psycological study, Bound to Be Free is a good read, and may be helpful. the Topping and Bottoming Books I also recogmend, but they are probably not the first thing you should read, as they are intended primarly for those who already have a pretty good grip on terms and know what they want.

Good Luck in your search, I hope you find what you desire.

shadowedge

Another excellent book for those new to the scene is:

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Miller and Devon

Fun and informative, you can tell it was written by folks who truly enjoy what they did together.

Another excellent book for those new to the scene is:

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Miller and Devon

Fun and informative, you can tell it was written by folks who truly enjoy what they did together.

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A very excellent book.

......

D/s, to me, takes a whole helluva lot. Obviously, I'm looking at D/s in respect to LTR with that added 'love' factor rather than occasional scening sex buddies. PYLs and pyls in respect to LTR should without a doubt share a bond between them - and to me, that bond can only be recieved through a physical relationship. I'm not talking just about sex... I'm talking about holding hands, kissing, cuddling, etc.

To me, those things are needed as it is a strength in a relationship. Perhaps some people can do the online/long distance thing, but I can't understand it. Tried it once, couldn't really make a bond.

In regards to you and your g/f... do what it is that makes you happy. If spanking her makes her happy, which in turn, makes you happy - then look at in from that view point. Never pass up on a good thing, especially when the little disagreements can be overlooked or remedied.

ntp said:

On the one hand, if it's not in your personality to be dominant in the way she wants, it may be that it's just not in you, and if you try to "fake it" or force yourself to do it, it won't come across as real and will be a) uncomfortable for you and b) unfulfilling for her.

On the other hand, it sounds to me like you're taking the right approach, and exploring *yourself* to see if maybe there is some of that in you. If you do find a spark of it and you can encourage and explore it, she'll sense that it's real and it'll probably be a lot more valuable for both of you.

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Thanks everyone!

And yes, ntp, I think you hit the nail on the head. That's precisely my perspective. I'm well aware that if I just force something for her sake then it'll be a mess. I'm anxious to pick up a couple of these books, (for it's title alone, "When Someone You Love is Kinky" sounds ideal for my situation.)

There's a leap being made by alot of people when trying to offer me advice, (more so on another site than here,) that if I try different things and start slow, eventually it may grow on me, blah blah blah. But the significant step that that is leaving out is the actual intellectual exploration and discovery and what things I can look for in myself to help it along. It's that I don't even KNOW what I'm looking for psychologically. What are the tools of psychological rationalization that I'm looking for? I guess I can fathom how
dominating someone can be a very powerful and intoxicating feeling, and her giving herself to me along with it, and how this can all be fed by our love for each other. But my romantic and sexual life up till now has been all about giving and lifting the other up and doing for the other, (not in a submissive way, but in a I-think-you're-amazing-let-me-show-you-how-much kind of way.) And these two ideas seem kind of juxtaposed to me. But I sense that they can meet, I'm just having trouble finding how. Am I making any sense at all??? The feeling of discordance is very clear in my head, but I'm really having trouble verbalizing it, let alone rectifying it.

There's a leap being made by alot of people when trying to offer me advice, (more so on another site than here,) that if I try different things and start slow, eventually it may grow on me, blah blah blah. But the significant step that that is leaving out is the actual intellectual exploration and discovery and what things I can look for in myself to help it along. It's that I don't even KNOW what I'm looking for psychologically. What are the tools of psychological rationalization that I'm looking for? I guess I can fathom how
dominating someone can be a very powerful and intoxicating feeling, and her giving herself to me along with it, and how this can all be fed by our love for each other. But my romantic and sexual life up till now has been all about giving and lifting the other up and doing for the other, (not in a submissive way, but in a I-think-you're-amazing-let-me-show-you-how-much kind of way.) And these two ideas seem kind of juxtaposed to me. But I sense that they can meet, I'm just having trouble finding how. Am I making any sense at all??? The feeling of discordance is very clear in my head, but I'm really having trouble verbalizing it, let alone rectifying it.

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There really is no true way to Dom. If your girl sees you as her dominant person than you have already successfully established yourself as her dominant and - a dom. Because you give to her, you lift her up and you do things to make her happy - or to satisfy her - does not mean that you are submissive or that you have the making of a person who is more submissive than dominant. In my opinion, a D/s relationship is an exchange of both giving and recieving. A Dom (PYL) can most certainly want to please his sub (pyl) - without having to think twice if he is dom material or not.

What's PYL/pyl???

And thank you Miss Trickery:

"If your girl sees you as her dominant person than you have already successfully established yourself as her dominant and - a dom."

That's one of the keenest and most unique insights I've yet been offered. And certainly something I'd not considered yet. Definitely gives me more good stuff to think about.

Anyone else?

*cheers*

PYL = pick your own label

since there are just so many to choose from - Dom, sub, Master, slave, Sir, Ma'am, etc etc

Sloely said:

But the significant step that that is leaving out is the actual intellectual exploration and discovery and what things I can look for in myself to help it along. It's that I don't even KNOW what I'm looking for psychologically. What are the tools of psychological rationalization that I'm looking for? I guess I can fathom how
dominating someone can be a very powerful and intoxicating feeling, and her giving herself to me along with it, and how this can all be fed by our love for each other. But my romantic and sexual life up till now has been all about giving and lifting the other up and doing for the other, (not in a submissive way, but in a I-think-you're-amazing-let-me-show-you-how-much kind of way.) And these two ideas seem kind of juxtaposed to me. But I sense that they can meet, I'm just having trouble finding how. Am I making any sense at all??? The feeling of discordance is very clear in my head, but I'm really having trouble verbalizing it, let alone rectifying it.

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As I mentioned previously, you need to look at it from a different angle than you seem to be at this point. From your words about your giving and pleasing in relationships, it seems you are still locked into a thought pattern of 'this is my reality and how it works for me, so this is what is giving and pleasing' which is keeping you blocked from the psychological approach that while the actions may differ to what you are used to, in relation to this partner it is just as giving and pleasing in her reality as your accustomed reality has been to you. Maybe think of it like this, while all your former partners and you may have salivated at the thought of something savoury for dinner and not sought anything hot, she salivates at the thought of hot and spicy and sees savoury as just a possible occasional change or not at all, ever.....IOW, giving her hot and spicy is what equates to giving and pleasing in her world, serving up savoury will appear bland and unappetising. Perhaps if you can begin to tap into how it is loving and pleasing, you can begin to unlock the barriers you are experiencing which have not been challenged this way before.

Catalina

& me too

Thank you all for this thread. I to am in this boat"DOM" that majic word "Fictional" being... what everPYL thanks for sheding so lite also for me. I am married for a bit now, to a very lovely Irish lass. a bit more like 34+ years now.
She was the one about 2 1/2 years ago that asked to be tied up. AHhhhh we did this thing about 30 yrs ago remember and what a mess we had not a good time by all well what can you do with 100' of clothes line that you refuse to cut because it's your only clothes line. tangle here tangle every were and tieing a knot OK I know how to tie a shoe lace that good enough...NOT
fastforward Ok puter tell me something about bondage lifestyle ask other get help what a novel IDEA. We are not and most likely never will be 24/7, but to talk and find out others are having the same problems is great and that there are those of you that freely are there to help us is even better.
I am my wifes Dom in our little scene play we have on Sunday mornings mostly now... I asked her to swich and got a no short kurt to the point now I am thinking I would really want to swich be a switch see what it is like to be the bottom see if there is something there for ME to explore
The rush I got from the Shabari I do and then the flogging the controll over her makeing her wither and want me to continue and go a tad further yes harder more and then ......stop...... and slowly bring her back to that point of what ever she is at but I can see it in her face her body how it reacts now how is thew esub I am doing her bidding or she mine... who cares we love it now please continue to help others something just hit me the right way as I read this whole thread and I could relate it all to me THX ALL