Breaking into something new

I didn't know whether this would fit better under 'BDSM' or 'How To', so I've put it in both and am trusting the mods to make the final choice.

The girl I am with right now has mentioned an overt interest in outside-the-norm sexual interests, among which is bondage. I ask her to go into more detail about it one night, and this is how it briefly went:

Me: Tell me more about the domination fantasy.

Her: No pain/sadism/masochism. Speaking generally, I suppose I'd have to say the whole Master/slave relationship, which goes directly hand in hand with domination/submission. And the idea of just being used for someone else's sexual gratification, particularly with males (I'm a bit more dominant with women). But nothing more than collars/leashes, handcuffs/ropes/being tied down...

Me: What do you want your master to do when you're tied down?

Her: Whatever he wants with me.

Now, I'm not especially sexually active, but domination has always been one of my interests, too -- hence the further questioning.

I'm going on a trip until the 1st of August, and when I get back, I plan on breaking into this activity, for both me and her.

This is where you (and your combined centuries of experience) come in. I need some help -- some ideas for how to do this for the first time. I'm also not very sexually aggressive, so some tips on how to better act the 'master' would also be appreciated.

As it stands now, I've been reading a lot of threads in the HT Blank Manual and the BDSM Library to get an idea, and posts #1 and #13 in this thread particularily interested me. I have also contacted her and told her that, while I am gone, she should compile her five favorite stories/videos/pictures/fantasies -- the ones that get her hot just thinking about them -- and e-mail them to me. When I come back, I will review them for a better idea of what to do.

Some final notes:

I intend to go further than just ropes/tying down. I want to make her beg to cum and then beg to stop and then cum again. I want to put her on edge the whole time. So let's not consider the ropes/tying down as an absolute limit -- I am sure that she will willingly go far beyond this.

She is a virgin, and intends to stay that way until marriage. While it may make this activity a bit more...creative...I can and will respect her wishes in this regard.

Finally, she already wears a collar on a regular basis.




Well, have at it. How do you think I should go about it?

Wow, I'm impressed. You've done a lot more research than people who normally come here looking for advice. Normally the first thing we do is tell them to read the BDSM Library. But you've already done this.

I'm going to bet you already have some good ideas. As for what will 'drive her wild' that's not really something anyone here can help with much, IMHO. That's the kind of thing you have to learn from her as you spend more and more time with her. What works for one person won't work for another.

I would suggest that you move slowly. Don't go to far too fast, 'cause unknowingly you might cross a limit that she didn't know she had. Besides every step is something to be enjoyed and treasured, not rushed through.

Good luck.

I agree with Graceanne, you seem to have done all we usually tell people to do...
I'm going to say something that I'm sure you came across but that I believe cannot really be said often enough: Safety!
So when you tie her, give her a safeword. You might not be planning anything to her that needs one. But then, there can always be some unexpected happenings, unknown limits... And it is sort of intimidating to (at least in my book) be given a safeword as it implies that there might be something happening that requires one.
When tied, regularly check the circulation in the tied part. If hand/feet get cold, body parts turn dark, release the bonds IMMEDIATLY. If you are using scarves/ropes, keep scissors from an emergency kit close by. Also a flashlight, should the electricity die.
It also might be a good idea to schedule a non-sexual meeting the next day or so (like in a bar or restaurant), so both of you can talk about what you felt like living out your fantasy.
Be safe and have fun!

HRE, it sounds like your in for some fun times. Just an observation here...

From your transcription of your conversation it sounds like your SO is turned on by the more psychological aspects of submission ("...the idea of being used..."). You can see if this is born out by the stories and pics that she sends you.

You, on the other hand, seem to really like the physical aspects of D/s, in particular providing a strong sensual experience for your partner, based upon the posts you reference.

The two can definitely go hand in hand. The trick is to find a way to mix her desire to feel in the role of a submissive, while indulging your own desire to be very sensual with her.

You are fortunate to have a partner who is so open and communicative, (not to mention kinky!) As others have said, do take it slow. Until you have a better feel for what will really get you both off, do not take any big chances. In D/s a little can go a long way...

Tollo

Her Fantasies; be careful

I agree completely with the idea of getting her to tell you all about her fantasies, and then using them as a key to what would turn her on--- but-------

There are two things to watch out for here. One is that we often have fantasies that are not things we really want to happen to us, and yet the fantasies are sexually exciting. That happens to me all the time.

Also, when you try to enact a fantasy- yours or someone else's- the result is nearly always dissapointment, if you stick too close to the original fantasy. The reason is simple: in a fantasy we control all the variables, we are completely focused on the event we are fantasizing about, with no real world problems to deal with, and we can make everything happen just as we want it to.

My husband and I often talk to each other about our fantasies, and we make it clear whether these are things we might like in real life or "pure" fantasies. When we do incorporate elements of our fantasies (or things we have read) into real life, it is just certain elements- modified to fit our situation or environment- not an attempt to duplicate the fantasy.

sexymom said:

I agree completely with the idea of getting her to tell you all about her fantasies, and then using them as a key to what would turn her on--- but-------

There are two things to watch out for here. One is that we often have fantasies that are not things we really want to happen to us, and yet the fantasies are sexually exciting. That happens to me all the time.

Also, when you try to enact a fantasy- yours or someone else's- the result is nearly always dissapointment, if you stick too close to the original fantasy. The reason is simple: in a fantasy we control all the variables, we are completely focused on the event we are fantasizing about, with no real world problems to deal with, and we can make everything happen just as we want it to.

My husband and I often talk to each other about our fantasies, and we make it clear whether these are things we might like in real life or "pure" fantasies. When we do incorporate elements of our fantasies (or things we have read) into real life, it is just certain elements- modified to fit our situation or environment- not an attempt to duplicate the fantasy.

Click to expand...

You said it better that I could have. This is VERY important to me. Many times guys think that what you find hot in fantasy is what you want in RL. This is often absolutely not true.

I would suggest a lot more information needs to be discussed. Not only should you know a little about her fantasies but you should also find out what she does and does not like the idea of doing in RL. You both need to think about and discuss your hard and soft limits. These can change over time. That's okay and expected but you guys need to get it out there and have as clear communication about all this as possible. People don't always know thier limits until they hit one too so be prepared for surprises.

You might want to go over this check list separately then discuss it together.

http://www.bdsm-education.com/checklist.html

I'm sure with the care and research you are taking you will do great. You sound like one in a million.

Fury

I understand the fantasy bit...I don't plan on acting out any of her fantasies verbatim. I just want to get a better grasp of whether she is turned on by orgasm denial or whips, you know?

Tollo, what is the difference between the psychological and physical acts of submission? Can you give me an example?

HRE said:

Tollo, what is the difference between the psychological and physical acts of submission? Can you give me an example?

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HRE, I am going to put off trying to answer your question directly. There is a difference, and it becomes immediately clear when you are with somebody who is physically in the role of submitting, but is not mentally, or psychologically, submitting.

But that is not really what I had in mind in my first reply. In your initial post, I thought that I detected a subtle difference between what your SO described and what you seemed to want to do with her. Let me focus on a couple of your statements, with emphasis added:

HRE said:

Me: Tell me more about the domination fantasy.

Her: No pain/sadism/masochism. Speaking generally, I suppose I'd have to say the whole Master/slave relationship, which goes directly hand in hand with domination/submission. And the idea of just being used for someone else's sexual gratification, particularly with males (I'm a bit more dominant with women). But nothing more than collars/leashes, handcuffs/ropes/being tied down...

Me: What do you want your master to do when you're tied down?

Her: Whatever he wants with me.

...I intend to go further than just ropes/tying down. I want to make her beg to cum and then beg to stop and then cum again. I want to put her on edge the whole time.

Click to expand...

What I hear her saying in the above, is a desire to be used, to be made to feel like a desired sexual object, that is, an instrument of HIS (your) pleasure.

For you, the attraction seems to be more towards her wantonness and controlling her pleasure. To paraphrase what you said: to make her beg you for her own pleasure.
Believe me you are not alone in this. A lot of people feel the same way (me included to an extent.) Take a look at some of the g-spot threads around here, and you will quickly see what I mean

So I can imagine a scenario where you have got her tied to the bed, both of you are feeling very turned on, anticipating what will happen next, and as you begin to play with her pleasure, she begins to wonder why you are not forcing her to take you into her mouth, or do something for your own pleasure.

In short she might feel confused by your desire to focus more on her sexual gratification than on your own. Of course I am not saying that this will happen, just be aware of the possibility.

My advice is to incorporate a healthy dose of each. If it were me, and if I have read her correctly, I would focus on getting her psychological buttons pushed first. Make her feel that you WANT her and WILL HAVE her. Let her get a good sense of your power and dominance and of having been well used before getting her to beg you for her own pleasure.


Tollo