Can you Top This? (Twisted Humor)

If you are easily offended, quietly step back out of this thread. In here will be every type of humor anyone could imagine. If you think you have just the right stuff (jokes, cartoons, funny pictures) to make other people laugh, please post it here. Nothing is sacred here so, go ahead and post away.

QUESTION: Originally Posted by JenniferMidnight
Bob, I've been meaning to ask you about your AV...there must be a story behind it...please share.

ANSWER:

Several years ago, I began working for a pipeline service company as an administrative assitant. The pipeliners told me I wasn't near as attractive as the last "secretary". I would tell them, "Oh, but you haven't seen me in a French Maid's outfit".

They would respond with something like, "I don't think I would WANT to see that".

So, the following Halloween, I "dressed up" for work and really shook things up at work. The ladies had the most fun with me. Some of them even told me I had better looking legs than they did. Some of them were right, too!

On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJs ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners.

This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First only please.

Contestant: Brian

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are married? or what, Brian?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.

DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.

Brian: About 8 O'clock this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.

DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm.

DJ: This sounds good Brian where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ:Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.

(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (touchtones ringing)

Clerk: Kinko's.

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?

Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose soooooooo do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?

Sara: No

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly OK?

Sara: Oh, Brian.

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara? SARA! GET IT? Orlando Magic, Sara. NBA Sara. They are on strike. Sara helloooooo anyone home?!?!

Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian! This morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING

DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?

Sara: 12-15 minutes maybe.

DJ: Hhmmmmm.

Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?

Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!

Brian: Just tell him honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?

Sara: Well it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and....

DJ: SHE SAW?!?!

Sara: BRIAN?!?!

Brian: NO, no I didn't.

DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord..I cannot believe you told them this.

Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?

Sara: In the ass. (long pause)

DJ: We will be right back.

(advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.

Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads...

"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES"

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination-and drives on. Soon, he
sees another sign which says...

"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES"

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough,
there is a third...

"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT"

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the
far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the
door that reads...

"SISTERS OF MERCY"

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit, who asks... "What may we do for you my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly
doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son Please follow me" says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this
door" and leaves.

The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a
long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs:

"Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door
at the end of this hallway."

He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the
hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks
behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another
small sign:

"Go in Peace, You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

Holy Water

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun giggles and slyly replies, "Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?"

The nun replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!"

The first one was good, but too much setup.

The Golden Axe

A little boy was taking a shower with his mom. The young kid pointed between his mom's legs and asked, "Mommy, what is that?"

The mother, surprised, said, "Oh, that's where God hit me with his Golden Axe."

Quick with a response, the young boy replied, "Wow, a Golden Axe right in the cunt, that must have hurt!"

Cheating Husband / Cheating Wife

A few months ago, a woman found out that her husband was cheating on her, while he was stationed in Saudi Arabia. So she sent him this care package. He was excited to get a package from his wife back home.

He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees performing oral sex on his former best friend.

After a few seconds, the man does his business in her mouth
and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.

She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

Now that's a Dear John letter

The Face Lift

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000
and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a
newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales
clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think
I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that
he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same
question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am
actually 47" This makes him feel really good. While standing at
the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when
I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put
my hand down your trousers in ten minutes I will be able to tell your
exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought why not and let her slip
her hand down his pants. After ten minutes of intimate massaging
later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

Morwen said:

The first one was good, but too much setup.

Click to expand...

that first one is a total rip off of an old dating game type show
where it actually happened....

When this gets funny, wake me.

tymeblind said:

that first one is a total rip off of an old dating game type show
where it actually happened....

Click to expand...

Yeah. The Newlywed Game back in the late 70's.

man, ya'all are stick in the muds.

I giggled.

This is a tough room.

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina.

That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Mom: Jewelry, dear.

Biology Class

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor
girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without
a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was
classic.

Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

A yankee in Spain

One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, thought, momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senor! Sometimes the bull wins!"

A drunk at confession

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knocking', mate, there's no paper in this one either."

Clever Anagrams

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
When you re-arrange the letters:

Dormitory Dirty Room
Evangelist Evil's Agent
Desperation A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code Here Come Dots
Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity Is No Amity
Mother-in-law Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
Semolina Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
Contradiction Accord not in it

And for the grand Finale:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA

It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter
only once) into:

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Campers

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days
together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting
to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today.
I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike
south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner
and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man
hikes north.

That night over dinner the first man tells his story. "Today I
hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a
canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear
mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer
come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were
filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead.

How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set
of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a
beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off,
gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every
imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so
tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH
better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't
find her head."

Bill Clinton's Trunk

Hillary was in the basement of the White House moving some of the files that she had stolen from the FBI, when she came across a large wooden box. The box was locked and said "Property of Bill Clinton-Do Not Open."

Naturally she opened it and found four beer cans and $1,852.43. Perplexed by her find, she called Bill on the phone.

"Bill, you spineless worm, what's the story about this box in the basement?"

Bill paused for a moment and said, Well, my sweet, every time I've had an affair, I've been racked with guilt and gone to the basement and drank a beer.

Upon hearing this admission, Hillary was somewhat relieved to see that there were only four beer cans in the box. "OK Bill, but what is the $1,852.43 in the box for?"

Again Bill paused for a moment and said, "I returned the cans for the deposit every time the box got full."

Confession

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know
> where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of
a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Why Daddy Is Fat

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.

Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...Well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that helps to make him thin again."

And the boy says, "Well, that'll never work!"

His mom says, "Why not?"

And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by every day after you leave for work and blows him back up!"

Cell Phone

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following
conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's
absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember?

The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye!"

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Yeah!

They deserved to win that trip with that kind of honesty.

bobwhitecrow said:

A little boy was taking a shower with his mom. The young kid pointed between his mom's legs and asked, "Mommy, what is that?"

The mother, surprised, said, "Oh, that's where God hit me with his Golden Axe."

Quick with a response, the young boy replied, "Wow, a Golden Axe right in the cunt, that must have hurt!"

Click to expand...

Ah hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Yes,

ruminator said:

Yeah!

They deserved to win that trip with that kind of honesty.

Click to expand...

It really WAS ripped off from the Newlywed Game, but it is still funny!

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that eleven children were enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.