WT: Kinky and alone. How to keep yourself sane and amused

Well I picked this WT because it is something i know too well. At this point I am alone by choice so no I'm not looking for the "awwww poor you" kind of stuff. I would like to hear how others get through or have gotten through a long period of being alone.

Kajira Callista said:

Well I picked this WT because it is something i know too well. At this point I am alone by choice so no I'm not looking for the "awwww poor you" kind of stuff. I would like to hear how others get through or have gotten through a long period of being alone.

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awwww poor you sorry I couldn't resist

All joking aside (yes, I know i'm not alone but if I was - ) I'd say toys! Toys would help.

graceanne said:

All joking aside (yes, I know i'm not alone but if I was - ) I'd say toys! Toys would help.

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....and fun clothes....nothing like a cinched corset to make laundry just a little more fun

graceanne said:

awwww poor you sorry I couldn't resist

All joking aside (yes, I know i'm not alone but if I was - ) I'd say toys! Toys would help.

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mmm, toys are indeed fun, so long as yours isn't a piece of junk.......

self bondage!

Netzach said:

self bondage!

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Oooh, tell us more . . .

I don't know, for me toys are never fun without somone to share them with, but then I am not big on vibrators and such so speak mainly of the pain delivery type. There is a difference which cannot be masked between administering your own pain, and receiving it at the hand of another. That would be the most frustrating point for me. As much as I am a loner at heart, those moments are times when sharing can be more important than solitude.

How to survive such a dry spell and remain sane will differ for all. For me, I filled it in with talking to people who shared my tastes, learning more through them and discussion, and playing with those I trusted. That in itself can be a minefield though if the other player decides they want more from the relationship. Perhaps one coping mechanism is to throw oneself into maintaining and improving all areas of your life to a place where you feel secure and confident you are continuing to grow while also acknowledging this is not a forever state, and will be changed when the time is right. By using the time to do the 'you' things and find a comfortable zone for yourself, you are less likely to need to waste time on those things once a relationship does begin. Other than that, it is a rough road and one which also has it's frustrations and joys.

Catalina

self bondage, it's a cute tutorial

Great picture, evesdream.

I don't enjoy it at all when i'm alone .... I just vegetate like an amoeba till I have right company !

Luckily it doesnt happen very often

Hope.

graceanne said:

Oooh, tell us more . . .

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LOL sure.

If I have no one to tie up, or even if I just feel the old urges and don't want to deal with anyone I find it erotic to practise some of my stuff on myself. I still get to tie someone up, and I usually enjoy puzzling out some new decorative way to do hand or foot or breast bondage, usually something I can reach on myself and not necessarily immobilizing.

It's funny... Dom's suffer from the 'alone and kinky' syndrome too. In my case, I'm somewhere in the middle -- I'm not alone, so I don't have the loneliness issue (and from past experience, I do know that's a huge issue.) Nor do I suffer from lack of sex. For me, I'm just limited in the expression of my D/s "kink". My will to Dominate is largely on hold.

Now, I did have an outlet in my writing. I could at least channel that frustration and my various ideas into possibile scenarios, and write them down. To do that, I had to get into the writing, and get into the scene. Generally that involved a combination of loud music, writing and fantasising (with dick in hand.)

At the moment, due to an almost complete lack of privacy, the most I have been able to manage this year is a little editing. My lover and I had a discussion about this very topic a couple of weeks ago because I felt she hadn't realised how important this was to me. Eventually I want to be able to write a novel, but for the moment the writing also acts as a kink outlet. Suffice to say she has finally agreed to a desk in our bedroom, so when I have a little spare cash I will set one up.

In terms of how satisfying the writing is (when I can do it), I would have to say it rates as "better than nothing, but not brilliant". The thrill and fascination of moulding a woman's sexual pleasure to my desire just isn't there. But at least I can still explore somewhat.

I think it's important to have friends, and to have people to share your (my) frustration with. That can be a sanity savior -- it's easier in some bizarre fashion to put up with the lack when you (I) know that other people are suffering in the same manner. But dammit, there are still times I want a submissive over my lap for a good spanking, begging for more!

Another idea I had which may work for some submissives is to find a Dom you like and trust who won't mind "helping you out" a little, and ask them to put together a discipline regime for you. I dislike the idea of a "mentor", although this approaches it in some ways. I prefer to think of this in a similar way to a "personal trainer" at the gym. Anyway, with a "personal training regime", you at least know there is someone whose expectations you need to please, and you are in the habit of ackowledging someone else's power over your own life.

So I guess the submissives here will have to tell me whether that's actually an idea that works, good, bad, indifferent, etc.

I have spoken to several dominants and submissives now who have online partners -- again largely to have some sort of control in their lives. I think this only really works for those who can get into on-line (cyber) play. I know from my point of view, the couple of times I have tried to be on the other end of cyber sessions, I have found it extremely frustrating. Instead of helping reduce the frustration of lack of submissive, it's instead done quite the opposite. So this one you have to approach with care.

That's about all my less-than-fertile mind can come up with at the moment.

Writing has also been for me been an outlet for my feelings when I have been alone. In fact now that I am in happy relationship I find it extremely difficult to concentrate on my writing. I also used to read stories and comics (big Fansadox fan), I find that I still get the same reaction out of it.

The major problem with writing and reading stories has always been that they do not seem to still my hunger for more than a short time.

Francisco.

FungiUg said:

Another idea I had which may work for some submissives is to find a Dom you like and trust who won't mind "helping you out" a little, and ask them to put together a discipline regime for you. I dislike the idea of a "mentor", although this approaches it in some ways. I prefer to think of this in a similar way to a "personal trainer" at the gym. Anyway, with a "personal training regime", you at least know there is someone whose expectations you need to please, and you are in the habit of ackowledging someone else's power over your own life.

So I guess the submissives here will have to tell me whether that's actually an idea that works, good, bad, indifferent, etc.

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Great post, FungiUg! Lots of sensible stuff in it. Since you asked, I will comment on the personal trainer idea. I think it's a slippery slope, particularly if the dom and sub can never have a fulltime relationship. In the beginning it can be a relief for a submissive to get this sort of structure added to her life and it also feels wonderful to feel as though someone is watching over you and to have somebody to do things for. But over a period of time a couple of things can happen: (1) the submissive slowly begins to want/need more from the dominant than he has time to give her and that causes stress and friction. She wants help with other matters besides those initially taken up, she wants him more involved in the activities and the decision making than he feels comfortable with, etc. If he has a fulltime submissive, she may start to get jealous of that person or of anybody who she imagines gets "more" of his time. Power relationships, even part-time ones like the sort you describe above, can affect even the most rational submissive very powerfully and she may start to fall in love with her trainer or at least feel a very strong dependency on him. The better he is as a trainer the more likely this is to happen, unfortuanately. If both people are single and available and think the other is right for them, that is not a problem, obviously. But in most cases, if you're getting that sort of support from a dominant it's because he is unavailable or undesirous of giving you anything more. (2) The second thing is that because the submissive can get rather dependent on the dominant emotionally, if for some reason he cannot continue the training, it's quite hard on her. Also, in the inevitable times that the training goes awry and the submissive doesn't do what she's told (for example, breaks down and smokes a pack of cigarettes when she was down to just one a day) she (and sometimes the dominant, too) blame him and not her for the failure or falling off. She slowly stops seeing herself as the responsible one, and while the relief of not always being responsible can be wonderful, it's not always a good thing to feel in a part-time situation that isn't going to continue forever or even necessarily continue until the submissive finds a fulltime master. A submissive doesn't really lose the ability to fend for herself during this sort of training regime but she may think that she does, and so, if it breaks off for some reason, she can go a little stir-crazy from the loss.

I'm not saying that people shouldn't try this sort of thing. I'm saying that there can be "hidden traps" in it, and that both people, sub and dom, need to approach it cautiously and with full awareness of the limitations involved.

Kajira Callista said:

Well I picked this WT because it is something i know too well. At this point I am alone by choice so no I'm not looking for the "awwww poor you" kind of stuff. I would like to hear how others get through or have gotten through a long period of being alone.

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Well I write my blog...

And I exercise orgasm denial on myself to keep my kinks satisfied

I dunno what qualifies for "being alone". Is it being without serious relationship or without any partners? Without sex partners or dating company?

I have been now pretty long without anything serious. Just some random dates, average sex randomly with a partner who doesnt interest me much and so on. I seem to be chatting, reading stories and fantasizing a lot

Lonesome...

Hey...
Just a couple of thoughts on this (and yeah, as an editor, I get to chop my sentences and use lousy grammar, ok?!)...
I have spent a lot of time alone. It's no fun, and all I can suggest to help your sanity is to stay occupied! My home was spotless, the yard immaculate,
and the dawg even got her bath EVERY week! In addition, READ! READ!READ!!!
As one who loves the D/s lifestyle.... I am in a plain vanilla relationship right now. I'm not positive, but I think it may even be worse than being alone. I do have an outlet for my sexual pressures, but there is little joy in it.
As a Dom, I have rarely enjoyed myself as much as when my sub/slave (Gorean preference, here) enters the 'zone'. Her rolling orgasmic euphoria is like... such a mental turn-on; perhaps an emotional release for me, knowing I again accomplished something fantastic and thoroughly enjoyed by the submissive.
Self-bondage? kool, if you're a sub, and it takes you where you need to be. Cyber D/s relations? Been in one of those, and it's not all that it needs to be. For instance, when your sub wantonly and willingly disobeys... How can you enforce your will? Threats of punishment? However, if it works for you, go for it. If nothing else, you get to exercise your mental D/s processes.
Relations with a sex partner who doesn't interest you... as in a fuck-buddy? Well, I try to know someone before I get naughty, and if they don't hold my interest, why bother? I've never cared for one night stands. But I have continued sexual relations with someone I no longer was committed to.
And, finally... Anyone know of a nice-looking, willing female slave/sub in the Daytona Beach area? It's been said my touch is 'exquisite'....