Am I being unreasonable?

So, we've been talking to a potential sub for a couple weeks now, off and on. I get along great with him most of the time, and Holly got along with him pretty well when she talked to him last night (with one exception - we really shouldn't discuss politics some days). But the last 3 or 4 times that I have talked to him, he will say to me "can I tell you something I thought of?" or "can I tell you something I've fantasized about?" ... if I say no, then he will ask me later "please can I tell you" or "are you sure you don't want to hear it" ... I cannot get his mind off of it until he's said it, no matter how many times I tell him that I am not interested, no matter how many times I try to redirect the conversation. So eventually, just so I can get him to move on to a different topic, I say, "fine, just tell me" (and of course, the attitude that it's said with hasn't sunk in yet, obviously). He will go on and on at length with whatever fantasy he has come up with this time (and by now, they are pretty much just variations on the first 5 that he told me, so nothing of particular interest to me ... not that I was all that interested to begin with, but whatever). Then at the end, he will ask me "so does that turn you on?" or "would you like that?" ...

Now, this really pisses me off, for a number of reasons. First, just because of how I am wired, what does it for me one day will turn me to ice the next, so I don't commit to anything when it comes to what turns me on/off and I have told him that repeatedly. Second, it seems to me like he is trying to top from the bottom ... trying to bring the focus onto himself, but without seeming like it (since he does always ask if I would like it, or if it turns me on) ... Third, since we have only been talking to him for a short while, I still want to know if there is anything outside of D/s for us to talk about - we want this to be a long term, live in arrangement, and I can't live with someone who only talks about his fantasies with me.

Am I unreasonable for wanting him to stay off of the topic of his fantasies? Am I unreasonable for not wanting to answer his questions about whether or not I like his little scenarios?

I just want some feedback before I tell him that if he can't stay off the topic, I'm done with him. Holly really likes him so far, which makes it a little more difficult to just say that I'm tired of his shit. She also understands why he is getting frustrated with me (I answer his "would you like that" questions with "I don't know, I haven't done it" normally), so I feel like she thinks that I'm being unreasonable with this ... so I just want to see what others think.

Miss Karen

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable.

No you're not.

You're being you. You have a preference you're entitled to have.

He's going to have to navigate the fact that you and Holly are different women with different personalities. If it bothers you, but not her, for him to talk things out this way, then he should do it with her and be sensitive to the fact that you're not going to do things the same way.

I don't think you are the least bit unreasonable. And I agree, he does seem to be topping from the bottom.

If you say "no, I don't want to hear about it" that should be the end of it... for most subs, anyway. I know it worked that way for me, at least.

Even in 'Nilla' relationship....

if he aggravates you this much on the phone just imagine how much he would grate on your nerves in a face to face situation.

Life has ways of giving us tips and clues as to what lies ahead for us if we stay on the path we've chosen. It's up to us to heed those signs.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It's crystal clear that he is not listening to your desires, once he gets his mind set upon something.

there are two main problems with the situation ...

1- when I can get him talking about other things, we get along GREAT ... there is no problem in conversing with him ... but once he gets his mind on that track, it takes a catastrophy of a "train of thought derailment" to get him off of it.

2- he doesn't do this to Holly (or he hasn't yet) ... so she doesn't quite understand how frustrating it is to try and get him off of the topic.

Sounds like he's trying to make you the sub in a very discrete way. He's the sub, now go and put your foot down, and make him behave.

Deep breath and focus

No I don't think you are being unreasonable about anything.Maybe you should
redefine what a buttom is to you and/or when he starts up get and use a tight ballgag.Raising the time he has to wear it everytime he brings things up you don't want to hear.Sit your friend don't as well and let her know how you feel about this and try to come to an understanding for when you are there with them.Also if you use the ballgag have her understand why its there and not to remove it untill said time is up.If you liked him at the start try to remember what it was that you liked and put focus on those points,otherwise let it and him go gently.

Stay on top but be happy..........
Kerbear

SweetDommes said:

there are two main problems with the situation ...

1- when I can get him talking about other things, we get along GREAT ... there is no problem in conversing with him ... but once he gets his mind on that track, it takes a catastrophy of a "train of thought derailment" to get him off of it.

2- he doesn't do this to Holly (or he hasn't yet) ... so she doesn't quite understand how frustrating it is to try and get him off of the topic.

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To answer #1... he's the sub, you are not. Make him understand when enough is enough. He'll get it eventually... or not. (In which case, maybe he's not the sub for you.) As a Domme I'm sure you know many ways to get that point across. I know my Doms have known how.

#2. You and Holly have a great relationship and I'm sure she understands that some things that don't bother her, might bother you. If you two keep talking about this on a mature level, I'm sure she will come to understand your feelings.

imho

Your not being unreasonable at all. Everyone has thier own quirks and peaves that grate on thier nerves. In a D/s situation, compatibility and trust are highly important, and if he can't understand what your limits, desires and wishes are, then there is a problem that needs to be addressed bluntly and quickly, before anything goes further, as left alone and unaddressed, it would sooner or later blossom into a festering sore that will unbalance most of the facets of your and your partners lives. Perhaps this is a person who would make a good friend, but maybe not the sub your looking for.

And yes, I agree, it sounds a lot like topping from the bottom. It's one things to let a new or potentially new partner what you like and what your interests are, but another entirely to force the issue and press the question of whether or not your fantasies please the other partner.

Good luck.

N

I would think he is topping You by insisting he gets his way no matter how much You have told him You have no interest in hearing it all over and over again. In real time he will drive You insane and take the lust out of Dominating him for eventually You will feel that You serve his fantasies.

I have been going through a similar situation with a tranny who I actually met and liked very much but his continual need to talk about himself and his transformation simply became a bore. When he asked if he could come back to serve Me I declined...to self serving to serve!

I know You will make the right decision for the right reasons and wish You strength with this one.

Shadowsdream said:

... his continual need to talk about himself and his transformation simply became a bore. When he asked if he could come back to serve Me I declined...to self serving to serve!

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I agree with this, a lot, Ma'am. And far often, too true.


SweetDommes do have the added complication of finding subs who are compatible with both of them. That can't be an easy thing to begin with. Finding one sub who clicks with a Dom/me is hard enough.

A Desert Rose said:

I agree with this, a lot, Ma'am. And far often, too true.


SweetDommes do have the added complication of finding subs who are compatible with both of them. That can't be an easy thing to begin with. Finding one sub who clicks with a Dom/me is hard enough.

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That is so true...choosing a submissive that only has to please one is much easier!

What you describe sounds like manipulation or someone trying to goad the dominant into action. That sort of stuff doesn't hold any interest for me. If there are this many problems during the early stages of courtship, personally I would give up and move on to more promising prospects.

Sounds to me like he could be trying to figure out if you are a compatible dominant in a respectful manner. I've kind of run into this before, and it is annoying. I wouldn't let him go on and on if it bugs you, explain to him that he's presenting his fantasies in a way that makes them unpalatable for you.

No you are not being unreasonable.

You are instructing him regardinng what pleases you and what doesn't.

He isn't listening.

It is as simple as that.

~ cait

*shakes head* I pretty much agree with everyone else here lol, you're not being unreasonable at all, being told 'no' once should be plenty. problem could be that his desire to tell you could be nagging at him pretty badly, which seems a bit silly if they're all just variations of the first. Have you told him how much this bothers you? granted I'm a newb but it seems quite basic that if he was a sub and he knew doing that bothered you, he'd stop.

I'd make him type them out and email them to you,
1) it gets him off the subject, and...
2) you never have to read them

and then tell him what you and Miss Holly decide to do is up to you, and not his fantasies.

hahaha! I am definately in favor of ghosst's plan It's actually pretty clever lol.

Someone on the boards at collarme, where I also posted this, suggested that we make him write them in a journal and present us with it if/when we meet with him - that way it doesn't clog up our e-mail LOL

as a dom i do not think you are being unreasonable. as far as his bring up things until you agree to listen. i would tell him i told you no once already so what part of it did you not understand? if he brings it up again hang up on him.

I think that if this is the only thing that bothers you, then it might be worth trying to work through.

Off the top of my head this is what i think I'd try before calling it quits.

Make it his task to have one fantasy to tell you about per day. Give him a time limit to interest you in it. If in say 60 seconds you aren't interested he has to drop it and come up with something better for tomorrow. Eventually maybe he'll get that he should be thinking of what your fantasies are instead of his.

LOL, the funny thing is, since I vented about this, we haven't heard anything from him ...

Mr Blonde said:

What you describe sounds like manipulation or someone trying to goad the dominant into action. That sort of stuff doesn't hold any interest for me. If there are this many problems during the early stages of courtship, personally I would give up and move on to more promising prospects.

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Or perhaps, he is someone who has had desires for a long time and is just now coming to the realization that there are no fantasies that can't be unfullfilled.

He may be using his conversations with you to explore and nail home the idea that this is "real." His fantasies and longings can be made to happen.

In any event, you are not being unreasonable and you should slow him down. It may be his first hard core lesson in D/s.

The question I have to ask is, 'If you're uninterested in ALL his fantasies, since you say they're all variations on a theme basically then why are you even talking to him still?".

Yeah, it's all about Us. Part of what pleases Me however is knowing I have a happy slave and that means we do things he enjoys as well. I certainly don't feel as if I'm being topped in any way whatsoever when he expresses his fantasies with me and wishes to communicate. I'm honored that he trusts Me enough to share thiose things with Me. Guess I'm just silly, heh.