I'm dirty, She's NOT

So here's the deal. I have been reading these forums for quite some time now. I think it is time I joined the party instead of being a voyeur.

Here's my problem...
My wife hates sex. I mean she would rather do anything except have sex. I am a very sexually active person, with myself. I masturbate almost every day. Sometimes twice. I really like to read literotica. I love this thread.
Muff's Post any porn pic you like thread

It has been so long that I barely remember the last time we had sex. I look at other women and drool.
I have had someone else recently. We did everything except have sex. For some reason I thought it would be cheating if she and I did have sex. I have told my wife about it.
I want to fuck practically every woman I find attractive. My wife used to say she didn't care where I got my appetite as long as I ate at home. We'll I have eaten out over the 15 years we have been married. I have told my wife about everyone. I believe in being honest.

I tell her how sexy she is and how much I want to make love to her. but it doesn't seem to help. She just finds sex a waste of time. I tell her that it is a waste of time but what a way to waste it. YEA!!

For almost a month now I have tried to stop thinking about having sex with someone else but it is very hard not to. There are so many hot women out there and my wife is just not.
Not that I find her unattractive but I just find her less desireable than the other women I see.

My wife has to have the lights off. She wants me to just stick it in and be done in 5 minutes. I practically have to beg her for sex. I feel like I am groveling a pleading her to give in to me.
She has told me several times that she just doesn't enjoy sex. I have asked her numerous times what she wants. She doesn't know or isn't willing to share. It is all me and she doesn't seem to want to get turned on at all.

The other day I was being particularly flirtatious with her. She reciprocated, at least as much as she does which isn't much. She was naked in the shower, I opend the curtain to admire her great boobs and her full curves. I practically got hard right there. We exchanged a couple of sexual inuendos and I said that we definately had to have sex later. She immediately replied in an indignant and rude tone that I couldn't force her to do anything she didn't want to do. That completely killed the mood for me. I went limp and left.

Our typical sex routine was, at least when we did have sex, was kiss her, fondle her breasts, stroke her thighs, lick her a few times, go back to breasts, till eventually she pushes my head down to her pussy which I happily licked and sucked until she started to arch her back. Then while she is in this state of extacy she wants me to stick it in her, which I am all too happy to do at this point and we fuck until I cum. However, about half way through me fucking her she usually gets bored. She said she doesn't feel anything inside.

Oh, I forgot to mention she doesn't like fingers or anal sex. She doesn't want any light showing at all when we do it. She will not have sex in the daytime, never when the kids are awake, never if she is already asleep. And finally she is never really an active participant. The whole thing I think disgusts her. I think she does it to get me to shut up about it, at least for a little while.

I have found over the years that I like it sort of rough, Whenever I try to she says it hurts her nipples. I try to be gentle but its hard.
I am definately sexually frustrated.

I have always wanted a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room and a whore in the bedroom. I have two out of three but I keep looking for the 3rd piece. A piece of ass that I crave so much. I want to do it with the lights on and have a willing participant with a wet pussy and full lucious lips to suck on.
Sex is just not worth it to me if I don't eat her.
Lately she just wants to get it over with. This actually isn't just lately this has been going on for over a year. I want a willing participant who wants to suck me and fuck me until we are too tired or weak to continue. I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket.

So, there's the problem... Any ideas?

Was she that way when you married her?

If so, why did you marry her?

If she wasn't, when did she change? Was it sudden?

You two have a lot of problems that you don't seem to realize.

Waahh waahh waahhh! You married a prude and that's exactly what you got. Why are you so bent out of shape about it now? She never misrepresented herself. She never made you think she was a hellcat of a slut. Get over it. Either cheat on her and get your thrills or quit complaining. I'm sorry if i'm being harsh here, but this is my numero uno pet peeve question from guys.

ETA: The other option is divorce. You should probably tell her before you cheat on her so she can decide if she wants to dump you or let you cheat.

OK, I'm a sucker. We almost broke up one time but she was horny, I'm thinking the first and last time, and we screwed like rabbits for days. We then decided that being broken up was lonely and so we got back together.
We didn't have kids then, she was thinner and much more hotter.

She has let herself go. She is much more overweight than she used to be.

I don't mind fucking her except that the last time we did I wasn't really into it because it was like fucking a glass of water, the waves were moving but there was no reaction. BORING!!!

OK, you're right. She was kind of that way when I met her. However, she would wake me up occasionally or give me a blow once in awhile. She at least was willing to try new things.

She stays at home all day to take care of the kids. She never gets out in public to look at other guys, maybe to wet her appetite.

I work, obvioulsy and there are several hot girls here at work. I am so lucky. My boss is even really hot. So I am getting simulation from all over, or getting my appetitie so to speak. When I come home I am usually hungry and want to have sex.

Sex has become her weapon. It is her way of getting me to do what she wants. She promises to have sex if I clean the bathroom or something.

Sex isn't supposed to be used to get other people to do things for you. That really pisses me off.

Once upon a time I went through something totally similar to what your going through. And if you're like me, what she did, and what she said before the marriage were completely different from how she behaved after the marriage.

12 YEARS

Thats how long I put up with the ice queen who wouldn't even hug me. 12 years of her telling me I'm incapable of pleasing her, 12 fucking years of her refusing to show me the slightest bit of affection. Sure we had sex, enough to father two children. After that, she moved into the boys room and slept on the floor for 9 years. And mind you, I NEVER laid a hand on her. Sleeping in the boys room meant she didn't have to sleep with me. Locking the door was just her way of saying "Don't even think it."

The emotionless bitch broken down and cried the day I told her I had had enough and was filing for divorce AND moving out. Her own words she screamed at me "But why? What has gone wrong?". And for a brief moment, exactly 1.38 nanoseconds I felt a surge of guilt. And then I remembered all the fun times. The time I needed an ambulance and collapsed on the floor of the living room trying to get her attention while she slept behind a locked door. The three hours I lay on that livingroom floor, whimpering in pain, and unable to move. The two attempts to give me a 10 second blowjob in the first year of our marriage. The time she let go of a bed we were moving causing me to lose my grip and nearly breaking my foot. Oh what fun times.

I remember asking her if she's like to make love, then the asking turning into begging. I remember being so turned off the last time we did it, I faked an orgasm just to get it over with. And I remember the fight later that same night when she caught me masterbating.

I made several vows to myself when I left her. I would never, ever stoop to begging for sex again from any woman. I would rather go without than sink that low again.

Divorce her. Plain and simple. Its time to cut your loses and go fishing. She's not going to change and even the threat of a divorce won't really change things. Besides, who wants a partner you have to threaten just to get laid? Not I.

Kick your westinghouse ice queen to the curb and start shopping again Intelsuit. The stress of living with her cause permanent damage to my health, and now more than 12 years after the fact I'm still dealing with it.

You've been trying for 15 years to change her. Its time to give up and move on. There are a lot of women out there that want a man to love them and want to love that man back. I know, I got lucky enough to find one. So do yourself a favor and do the divorce routine. That way you'll be able to scout the field without worrying about getting in trouble for fooling around.

You have my sympathy. OTOH, I always find myself a bit puzzled reading complaints like this. I mean, was she always this way? There must have been a time when she was as hot for you as you are/were for her. Unless you are one of these strangely constituted guys who mistake sexual reluctance for "virtue," and then get bent out of shape when the lady turns out to be, not so much a "good girl" as cold. That sometimes turns out to be the answer to the question that always automatically springs to mind when I hear about cases like this, i.e., Why'd ya marry her in the first place?

If this is not the case, there have to be other reasons...

• Hangups resulting from her upbringing.
• The ol' Madonna/Whore complex. Some women believe that being a mommy and being a sexual being automatically preclude each other. Sadly, societal attitudes often contribute to this.
• Body image issues. No matter how good she looks to you, frequently women feel like having kids boggles them out of shape.
• She mentioned "feeling nothing inside." Well, the passage of a baby can sometimes stretch nerves to the breaking point, just the same way you have little rubber threads snapping and becoming disconnected in an overextended piece of elastic. Try finding her G-spot. You did mention that she likes oral. Obviously, we're not dealing with frigidity here. If her clit works, then there's plenty of reason to hope.
• Hormonal issues. Having kids can fuck up your hormones. Also, some women start to experience perimenopause. If you have been married 15 years, and you weren't kids, this could be the case. Sometimes it hits a woman even as early as in the 30s.
• Resentment (i). Maybe your reports about your infidelities hurt her feelings more than she's letting on. Somtimes honesty is not necessarily the best policy. I have to ask, which came first, you stepping out on her or her turning off?
• Resentment (ii). How much of the maintenance of the house do you help out with? Do you leave a dribble of ice cream on the kitchen counter five minutes after she's cleaned it, or a trail of clothes through the room she's just straightened out? Does she work outside the house, and if so, does she have to take the "third shift" on all by herself? If she is all the time picking up after you, she might be seeing you subconsciously as just another one of the kids, and in a culture (this is practically all of 'em) where "motherfucker" is one of the fightin'est words there are, at the end of the week, she might find it hard to switch gears. I'm just sayin'.

I'm sure there are some theories I forgot to come up with, but I'll bet the good folk of this forum will be happy to take up wherever I left off. Most of us like to help.

SlickTony said:

Why'd ya marry her in the first place?

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Tony,
Sometimes you think you're buying a Jag and its only after you get it home and pass the warranty date on it that you discover its a volkswagon. The simple fact is, sometimes what you think you're getting isn't what you are getting. That was the case with myself. While my ex might not have been a sex goddess, there was a fair amount of promise and apparently willingness. More importantly she seemed to be extremely affectionate. Wanting hugs, wanting to be kissed etc. All that vanished after I said I do.

When I asked why, I got a line about "We're grownups, we don't need to do that sort of stuff anymore!".

Gawd, just typing this pisses me off all over again. If I could, I'd tell my ex she's a fool and a cold hearted bitch. I'm 46 and I can't enough of kissing my wife, or just sitting watching TV and holding her hand.

Sex isn't supposed to be used to get other people to do things for you. That really pisses me off.

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Yeah, but that's the way the world wags. Even amongst the bonobos, those quintessentially un-hung-up and sexually happy primates, when a male bonobo wants to get next to a desirable female in the band, he finds that bearing gifts like a bit of honeycomb or sugar cane really helps.

Bobmi, I remember having that bait-and-switch thing with my first husband. He was my first, and having accepted sex, I thought it was great. After we got married, things changed. I remember trying to talk with my women friends, and one of them pointed out that when it came to getting my way in the marriage, I had this great asset--"you're sitting on it!" Being very young at the time, and rather confused about all the things that had happened to me in a short time, I didn't know how to explain that this wasn't exactly the problem: I was the one who wanted it, he was the one who treated it like something to be rationed out.

or...
you have what i had in the dying years of my relationship - a guy who only wants to be near you when he's feeling a bit down, and then needs a bit of sex to 'prove' you still love him.

never, EVER when i wanted it - only when he was ready.

definately get out - intimacy (in every form) is something that you should never have to ask for.
IMHO anyway.

Your situation doesn't sound like it holds much promise for the relationship.

The fact that you've cheated several times in the past, told her about it each time, and she has stuck around, suggests that she MIGHT be willing to accept an open marriage. (Though as was previously mentioned, it will likely guarantee that you never have sex with your wife again.) You may want to consider mentioning the idea. Then again, it might push her over the edge and SHE files for divorce. (In many states in the US, you'd get wiped out for your infidelity.)

In any event, I recommend that you seek couples marital counseling. While the situation IS dire, there may be a way to make it work if you get some professional help. I've had good results myself, as have several other people on Lit.

Good luck.

You sound like a friend of mine.Same story so I will tell you like I told him.Tell her to get off her dead ass and put out and do it with some enthusiasm or the marraige is history.Then if it don't happen follow through,don't make idle threats,it ain't going to get better after this long.
Every marraige after a while the sex is less frequent.I mean like me and the wife were at each other three or more times a day at first.But as I always told my wife sex is not everything but it sure helps.Plus if you have sex regularly your marraige is better.
The wife and I are down to two and sometimes three or maybe even one time a week after 16 years together,but the sex is twice as good as it was when we first met.Yep,we both have put on some weight and gotten a bit out of shape,hell we are 16 years older than we were when we met,yep gravity is taking it's toll on her and I need to take a pill to get it up and keep it up.But the sex with her today is better than ever and she turns me on more now than back then.Why?It is simple we want to keep each other happy and we love each other .
I think she also knows that I will not go without sex for an extended period liike you mentioned.I would be saying put out or get out.

intelsuit said:

<snip>
I have had someone else recently. We did everything except have sex. For some reason I thought it would be cheating if she and I did have sex. I have told my wife about it.

I want to fuck practically every woman I find attractive. My wife used to say she didn't care where I got my appetite as long as I ate at home. We'll I have eaten out over the 15 years we have been married. I have told my wife about everyone. I believe in being honest.

There are so many hot women out there and my wife is just not.
Not that I find her unattractive but I just find her less desireable than the other women I see.

She will not have sex in the daytime, never when the kids are awake, never if she is already asleep.

I have found over the years that I like it sort of rough, Whenever I try to she says it hurts her nipples. I try to be gentle but its hard.

I have always wanted a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room and a whore in the bedroom. I have two out of three but I keep looking for the 3rd piece. A piece of ass that I crave so much.

We didn't have kids then, she was thinner and much more hotter.

She has let herself go. She is much more overweight than she used to be.

I don't mind fucking her except that the last time we did I wasn't really into it because it was like fucking a glass of water, the waves were moving but there was no reaction. BORING!!!

She stays at home all day to take care of the kids. She never gets out in public to look at other guys, maybe to wet her appetite.

I work, obvioulsy and there are several hot girls here at work. I am so lucky. My boss is even really hot. So I am getting simulation from all over, or getting my appetitie so to speak. When I come home I am usually hungry and want to have sex. </snip>

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Quite frankly, after reading the above comments, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to have anything to do with you. Of course she is in the wrong also, but I can't imagine being in a relationship (and certainly not having sex) with someone who thought of me, cheated on me, or treated me that way! Read them over...can you really say you love her and that you'd want to have sex with a person like yourself?

And one thing that really bothers me is whether you're telling her about your cheating purely for the sake of honesty or not. It sounds like you tell her in an effort to manipulate her into having sex or just for the sheer pain/retaliation. It sounds like this is a viscious cycle and you're both feeding off eachother. I bet she's blaming you for all sorts of stuff...have you tried communicating about the relationship and not just sex?

I agree with others... both of you need to commit to some serious individual and couples therapy, and if that fails, get a divorce. Hopefully you'll both grow enough that you'll be better to other people than you were to eachother.

Ahh yes, brings back memories.

I went through this for about 5 years with one of my exes. One day I just had to go - life's too short. We discussed and discussed and discussed, always with short term improvements, then back to the way it was very soon.

Ask yourself if you can be around in the same situation 20 years from now? If not, get out now. Short term pain for long term gain.

Using sex as a weapon - by either partner - is wrong.
Sex is supposed to be fun.
I see so many married people so damn unhappy with their sex lives - and to think that so many of them got married in the first place so they could have regular sex. Ironic.

As usual, I pretty much agree with everything SweetErika posted. But this:

intelsuit said:

I have always wanted a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room and a whore in the bedroom.

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says a lot about your relationship and the hierarchy you have set in your marriage. Has is occured to you to spend a little more time considering what SHE wants and not what you want?

Re: Re: I'm dirty, She's NOT

abbey_kyle said:

As usual, I pretty much agree with everything SweetErika posted. But this:


says a lot about your relationship and the hierarchy you have set in your marriage. Has is occured to you to spend a little more time considering what SHE wants and not what you want?

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Excellent point Abbey! I agree...I know we're only hearing your side of the story, but I also noticed the "it's all about me" tone that seems to overshadow your relationship.

Re: Re: Re: I'm dirty, She's NOT

SweetErika said:

Excellent point Abbey! I agree...I know we're only hearing your side of the story, but I also noticed the "it's all about me" tone that seems to overshadow your relationship.

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What I noticed is that his side of the story sure doesn't paint a nice picture of himself - the comments like 'I don't mind fucking her' etc are less then attractive to me. I am finding it hard to garner sympathy here - perhaps you'd both be better off splitting, I have no idea, it doesn't seem as though you care for her at all.

Re: Re: Re: Re: I'm dirty, She's NOT

Cathleen said:

What I noticed is that his side of the story sure doesn't paint a nice picture of himself - the comments like 'I don't mind fucking her' etc are less then attractive to me. I am finding it hard to garner sympathy here - perhaps you'd both be better off splitting, I have no idea, it doesn't seem as though you care for her at all.

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I'm glad I wasn't the only one that noticed that. I try not to judge, since I've had issues with my own marriage recently, but we've worked through them and we're now having more fun than ever.

If you actually do care about your wife as something more than, well, a receptacle, intelsuit, then talk to her. Without the guilt, or the pressure. See if you can find out how she feels in all this.

Of course, I think I'm with those who think it might be a lost cause. And, quite honestly, better off for her.

Hmmmmmmmm...

Sounds like you are out for what YOU can get. You're not thinking of her at all.

You've got a wife at home and you mentioned she stays home to take care of the kids (which is a full time job in itself). Are they young? With young kids, do you realize how much energy it takes to keep up with them? I'm sure your wife is dog tired by the end of the day and really looks forward to some sleep. I remember when my kids were tots. I looked at my bed like it was my lover. I admit, she is not helping though by being cold and unlovable.

It takes some women a while to get their figure back after having babies. Especially if the babies are close together.

Do YOU help out around the house? If you did, you might find a change in the atmosphere around your house. It's not easy being a full time mom, maid, cook, chauffeur, laundromat, and wife.

Sometimes, you get back from a relationship exactly what you put into it.

I don't mind fucking her except that the last time we did I wasn't really into it because it was like fucking a glass of water, the waves were moving but there was no reaction. BORING!!!

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This quote turns my stomach. How can you talk about your wife like this? A glass of water?

First off, Communication goes a long way, and if you can do that without the help of a counselor, so much the better, but, since this situation affects all of you to the point your having extramarital affairs, I'd seek some counseling. If that didn't work, maybe the best thing you can do is to leave her.

Honestly, She would probably be much better off.

Re: Re: Re: I'm dirty, She's NOT

SweetErika said:

Excellent point Abbey! I agree...I know we're only hearing your side of the story, but I also noticed the "it's all about me" tone that seems to overshadow your relationship.

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What you ladies are hearing and what he is saying, if we assume his initial post is true, are two different things.

I pretty much ignored some of his nastier comments about her, because its his bitterness talking. There are things I could say about my exwife that would make everyone here think I'm a woman hating foul mouthed bastard. Thats because I still harbor a lot of anger towards her for 12 wasted years of my life. This guy's got to account for 15 wasted years.

And yes, there are two sides to every story. But frankly if you've gone 15 years in the situation he's described and things haven't gotten better, the time for counciling is long past. Its time to cut your loses and get out.

Frankly his comment about his wife like a glass of water didn't bother me because I didn't read it as a comment on her weight, but instead read it as a comment on her level of participation. I remember the last few times my ex and I did it. She lay there, hands behind her head, looking bored, and murmuring comments like "Are you in yet?", and "Will you hurry up and get this over with?" and the ever classic line of "I'm glad I don't really feel anything.".

I'm not going to totally condemn Intelsuit for his choice of wording. They were inappropriate, but if he's in the situation he claims to be in, he poured a lot of his anger into that post. And unfortunately he's not come back since his first posting to either clarify or defend his comments.

intelsuit said:

I have always wanted a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room and a whore in the bedroom. I have two out of three but I keep looking for the 3rd piece.

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Maybe she's just too fucking tired to be the whore if she's being your maid, your cook and your nanny.

Re: Re: Re: Re: I'm dirty, She's NOT

Bobmi357 said:

What you ladies are hearing and what he is saying, if we assume his initial post is true, are two different things. <snip>

<snip> I remember the last few times my ex and I did it. She lay there, hands behind her head, looking bored, and murmuring comments like "Are you in yet?", and "Will you hurry up and get this over with?" and the ever classic line of "I'm glad I don't really feel anything.". <snip>

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i hear his anger very clearly, and quite frankly, i think he has every right to be angry.

my ex's comment when i wanted sex at a time when he didn't?
"what? you think i have batteries up my ass?"

mood-killer extraordinaire.

Re: Re: Re: Re: I'm dirty, She's NOT

Bobmi357 said:

This guy's got to account for 15 wasted years.

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How are those years 'wasted'? They have a family. They have a 15 year marriage. According to his post, all that's lacking from the marriage is sex as frequently as he'd like it.

I'm not sure that a lack of frequent rough sex qualifies as wasted time.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I'm dirty, She's NOT

Calamity Jane said:

How are those years 'wasted'? They have a family. They have a 15 year marriage. According to his post, all that's lacking from the marriage is sex as frequently as he'd like it.

I'm not sure that a lack of frequent rough sex qualifies as wasted time.

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i think he's also ranting about the lack of intimacy as a whole.
sex is merely the easiest part of intimacy to latch onto when discussing the subject.

i know for me - i used to complain about the lack of sex, when i really meant the entire range of intimate moments, including simply holding hands, or hugging.

Re: Re: Re: Re: I'm dirty, She's NOT

Bobmi357 said:

What you ladies are hearing and what he is saying, if we assume his initial post is true, are two different things.

I pretty much ignored some of his nastier comments about her, because its his bitterness talking. There are things I could say about my exwife that would make everyone here think I'm a woman hating foul mouthed bastard. Thats because I still harbor a lot of anger towards her for 12 wasted years of my life. This guy's got to account for 15 wasted years.

And yes, there are two sides to every story. But frankly if you've gone 15 years in the situation he's described and things haven't gotten better, the time for counciling is long past. Its time to cut your loses and get out.

Frankly his comment about his wife like a glass of water didn't bother me because I didn't read it as a comment on her weight, but instead read it as a comment on her level of participation. I remember the last few times my ex and I did it. She lay there, hands behind her head, looking bored, and murmuring comments like "Are you in yet?", and "Will you hurry up and get this over with?" and the ever classic line of "I'm glad I don't really feel anything.".

I'm not going to totally condemn Intelsuit for his choice of wording. They were inappropriate, but if he's in the situation he claims to be in, he poured a lot of his anger into that post. And unfortunately he's not come back since his first posting to either clarify or defend his comments.

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Bob, I completely understand what you're saying, and I agree he's bitter and has every right to be angry. The difference I see in his situation and yours is that it sounds like he married her with many of the same ideas and feelings. He wanted a cook, maid, and a fuck toy, someone to take care of his needs only, not a life partner. I suspect you married your ex with the idea that you would both give and receive equally in all aspects, and she abused you. From what I gather, you didn't have much (if any) of a part in it, and you didn't serially cheat on her, correct? That says a lot to me about you and the situation.

Intelsuit can be angry and say his wife is doing the wrong thing, but he really needs to look at how his ideas and actions have contributed to the demise of the relationship and make the necessary changes. In other words, he's at least equally responsible for where he is now, and I bet he'd have the same problems in other relationships if he divorces his wife.