BDSM and question I have

I've always been into BDSM, this is something I always wanted to experience. Deep down though, I will admit, I feel shameful and get upset at myself. This is what I want, but it seems like anytime I try to find an online relationship with a Dom, they seem to push sex almost immediately. Is this how it is? I thought trust would be have to be developed overtime for you to feel comfortable with them. I've chatted with a few of them online and I noticed how angry they get when it's not about sex. I don't think it's completely about sex, it has to be more than that right? Or am I mistaken?

To tell them your secrets, things your afraid of, things you enjoy to do. Don't they want to get to know there sub? Isn't there tasks given to them daily and rules to be followed? Or is it different for everyone? I am new to all of this and asking questions because it's something I do want to experience, but I know I have to look after myself too. So I'd love to hear your opinions and thoughts on this, because this is all new to me and I'm trying to understand it in depth. Thank you.

Ultimately, BDSM is a sexual experience but it sounds like you're looking for something much more than a spanking. Emotional submission, which speaking from experience, has a much more powerful payoff.

There are plenty of Tops out there who will not only have patience and spend time crawling around in your brain but get off on on toying with your emotions. Unfortunately, you'll have to wade through some shitty fakes and some people for whom that's just not what they want.

The right Top for you will be patient and enjoy the cat and mouse game you have to offer. Don't give up but do be up front with what you're looking for and if someone is an asshole then they've done you the favor of letting you know they don't deserve your time.

Good luck!

PrettyLilPussy19 said:

Ultimately, BDSM is a sexual experience but it sounds like you're looking for something much more than a spanking. Emotional submission, which speaking from experience, has a much more powerful payoff.

There are plenty of Tops out there who will not only have patience and spend time crawling around in your brain but get off on on toying with your emotions. Unfortunately, you'll have to wade through some shitty fakes and some people for whom that's just not what they want.

The right Top for you will be patient and enjoy the cat and mouse game you have to offer. Don't give up but do be up front with what you're looking for and if someone is an asshole then they've done you the favor of letting you know they don't deserve your time.

Good luck!

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Thank you for answering all my questions. I wasn't sure about any of this before, but you definitely answered the questions I have. I've never heard of the emotional submission before, but it does seem like I like that a lot. I do love it when people get into my head and taking patience with me because this is all new to me. I've come across a lot of fakes sadly and I'm losing hope here, but hopefully I'll meet the right guy soon.

Once again, I appreciate everything! If I have anymore questions, I'll be sure to pm you.

SunshineSam218 said:

Thank you for answering all my questions. I wasn't sure about any of this before, but you definitely answered the questions I have. I've never heard of the emotional submission before, but it does seem like I like that a lot. I do love it when people get into my head and taking patience with me because this is all new to me. I've come across a lot of fakes sadly and I'm losing hope here, but hopefully I'll meet the right guy soon.

Once again, I appreciate everything! If I have anymore questions, I'll be sure to pm you.

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Please do!

I know the struggle but there is hope! Be patient, ask lots of questions and explore. You never know when or where the right person will come along.

SunshineSam218 said:

I've always been into BDSM, this is something I always wanted to experience. Deep down though, I will admit, I feel shameful and get upset at myself. This is what I want, but it seems like anytime I try to find an online relationship with a Dom, they seem to push sex almost immediately. Is this how it is?

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While technically the S in BDSM doesn't stand for sex, there is a strong correlation and the online world usually has no clear separation between "relationship" or "long-term BDSM" and "hook-ups" or "casual flings".

It's different for example for real-world BDSM munches; there sex is non-existant and overly sexual conversation likely frowned upon, because there are other places and times for the more sexual stuff.

I thought trust would be have to be developed overtime for you to feel comfortable with them. I've chatted with a few of them online and I noticed how angry they get when it's not about sex. I don't think it's completely about sex, it has to be more than that right? Or am I mistaken?

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Well, maybe you can ramp up your pre-conversation-weeding-out game. If some dude has 40 posts just with "bump" and "Need a sub", chances are good that his interests are rather....focused.

To tell them your secrets, things your afraid of, things you enjoy to do. Don't they want to get to know there sub? Isn't there tasks given to them daily and rules to be followed? Or is it different for everyone? I am new to all of this and asking questions because it's something I do want to experience, but I know I have to look after myself too. So I'd love to hear your opinions and thoughts on this, because this is all new to me and I'm trying to understand it in depth. Thank you.

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It's not only different for everyone, but even different for the same person.

What I'm trying to say is that people act out of a motivation which isn't consistent 24/7. The mere fact that I'm dominant and engage in BDSM activities doesn't mean I can't be horny right now and want someone to just shut the fuck up and strip for me and let me enjoy her body and other things, while the next day I'm looking for "the one part II", who obviously has to fulfill quite different expectations.

A general truth is though, that a decent person doesn't get angry if you reject the advances. I have no idea if rejected dominants are more aggressive than vanilla guys. It might be the case due to them trying to pretend dominance with aggression and them hoping that you cave in. No idea. I'm on the wrong side of the dating pool to make this assessment.

There are a lot of male dominants (or “dominants”) on this site who seem to do exactly as you’re describing. They see that you’re a sub and they assume that means you’d sub for anyone, which also indicates they don’t really understand BDSM. Not that there is anything wrong with a casual or one-time thing, but in my experience and opinion BDSM at its best involves partners who’ve talked, discussed interests and limits, established guidelines and even a safe word, and so on.

If you’re looking to find a relationship, rather than just a playtime, establish that from the jump. And then just move on from the guys who react aggressively to that. They aren’t worth your time. Just because you’re a sub (or think you may be), doesn’t mean you are their sub.

SunshineSam218 said:

I've always been into BDSM, this is something I always wanted to experience. Deep down though, I will admit, I feel shameful and get upset at myself. This is what I want, but it seems like anytime I try to find an online relationship with a Dom, they seem to push sex almost immediately. Is this how it is? I thought trust would be have to be developed overtime for you to feel comfortable with them. I've chatted with a few of them online and I noticed how angry they get when it's not about sex. I don't think it's completely about sex, it has to be more than that right? Or am I mistaken?

To tell them your secrets, things your afraid of, things you enjoy to do. Don't they want to get to know there sub? Isn't there tasks given to them daily and rules to be followed? Or is it different for everyone? I am new to all of this and asking questions because it's something I do want to experience, but I know I have to look after myself too. So I'd love to hear your opinions and thoughts on this, because this is all new to me and I'm trying to understand it in depth. Thank you.

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Hello Sam,

What kind of BDSM is it that you're looking to explore? There's no right or wrong answer, but we all like different things. There are certainly some rubbish male 'doninants' infecting the Internet, but the more you understand what your own desires are, the better a chance you have of finding the right match.

Good luck in your search, and never, ever be ashamed of enjoying anything. Unless the shame is part of the fun!

First rattle out of the box, before my inbox blows the fuck up, let me just state clearly and concisely that I am off the market. This is not a hit, nor is it an invitation for some lurker to come crawling out of the woodpile.

So, with that out of the way, I would note that I am a clinically diagnosed sex-addict. (And, yes, before the usual armchair psychologists come crawling out of the woodwork, it was in fact a triple diagnosis with codependency and depression. That, however, is irrelevant where the sex-addiction with a heavy dose of satyrnalia is not.) What this means is that sex passes a want for me to a need on a daily (at minimum) basis.

***shrug*** I've always likened it to food. Some people are just hungrier and some of those people need to eat more often to stay functional. In my prime, I required six small meals a day just for fuel for the reactor. These days... not so much. And I may go a day or two without eating anything. (Ironically, I'm about fifty to seventy-five pounds heavier. Go figure.)

That is food. Sex... yeah, I've slowed down a little there as well. I don't have to have seven or eight orgasms in a twenty-four hour period just to stay on an even keel anymore. One to three is usually enough.

However...

However, after the death of my wife of two and a half decades, I went down what (in retrospect) I refer to as "The Trail of Tears."

Sex is a hard need for me. Every bit as much as the air I breathe, the water I drink, and the food I eat. But, it is not the be-all-end-all that it once was three decades ago. I needed something more that... well, not to put too fine a point on it, I needed something more than a private cam girl.

And, I needed to be more than just a digital Dom dildo for them to get off with and then log off and go back to what was actually important for them.

And, yes, Virginia. There are "subs" who do the exact same thing.

Oh, probably not near as many sent me unsolicited tit pics as a first contact as the average female submissive who outs herself gets unsolicited dick pics. But, more than a few.

Then again, I guess I'm a weird as fuck duck. Far from insisting on even being called Sir, she had to earn the right to call me "Master" and "Daddy."

Any road... my point, as much as I ever have one, is that if you know what you want, then don't settle for consolation.

And best wishes for the sun out of your eyes and the wind at your back for a brighter tomorrow.

Everyone has some great advice. Being clear up front about sex being something you won't explore until you get to know someone is important. How are you going about liking for potential partners?

Acktion, man, sometimes I don’t have the attention span bandwidth to read your full posts and I have to come back to them later, but please keep writing them and posting here. I love what you contribute.

ToPleaseHim said:

Acktion, man, sometimes I don’t have the attention span bandwidth to read your full posts and I have to come back to them later, but please keep writing them and posting here. I love what you contribute.

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I completely agree. I love reading them even if it takes me more than once to get all the way through and especially to let it all sink in.

SunshineSam218 said:

I've always been into BDSM, this is something I always wanted to experience. Deep down though, I will admit, I feel shameful and get upset at myself. This is what I want, but it seems like anytime I try to find an online relationship with a Dom, they seem to push sex almost immediately. Is this how it is? I thought trust would be have to be developed overtime for you to feel comfortable with them. I've chatted with a few of them online and I noticed how angry they get when it's not about sex. I don't think it's completely about sex, it has to be more than that right? Or am I mistaken?

To tell them your secrets, things your afraid of, things you enjoy to do. Don't they want to get to know there sub? Isn't there tasks given to them daily and rules to be followed? Or is it different for everyone? I am new to all of this and asking questions because it's something I do want to experience, but I know I have to look after myself too. So I'd love to hear your opinions and thoughts on this, because this is all new to me and I'm trying to understand it in depth. Thank you.

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You're right - it's not completely about sex. It usually is a little about sex! Or a lot. It's really whatever you want it to be. You just have to keep asking questions, keep talking to people, don't commit to anything until you feel comfortable.

I've been exploring bdsm for a long time - almost 20 years. I've talked about this before: the difference between brain/heart love and pussy love. Sometimes it gets confusing because pussy love feels soooooooooooooooooo good. I've done some unfortunate things in the name of pussy love and consider myself fortunate I was with people who didn't take advantage of that.

Especially when you're new - but even now for me, years later - it feels good to have someone message you. The attention is exciting. Starting the conversation about all this interesting, kinky stuff is really fun. It's easy to get caught up in the pussy feelings.

I think sometimes you just have to go through different experiences, figure out the difference between listening to your pussy vs listening to your brain, stop and ask questions if it doesn't feel right ---- and even if it feels really really REALLY good, pay attention to red flags. It sounds like you're doing just that.

And yes, YES! There are good guys out there who will care about YOU, want to get to know you. It takes time.

SunshineSam218 said:

I've always been into BDSM, this is something I always wanted to experience. Deep down though, I will admit, I feel shameful and get upset at myself. This is what I want, but it seems like anytime I try to find an online relationship with a Dom, they seem to push sex almost immediately. Is this how it is? I thought trust would be have to be developed overtime for you to feel comfortable with them. I've chatted with a few of them online and I noticed how angry they get when it's not about sex. I don't think it's completely about sex, it has to be more than that right? Or am I mistaken?

To tell them your secrets, things your afraid of, things you enjoy to do. Don't they want to get to know there sub? Isn't there tasks given to them daily and rules to be followed? Or is it different for everyone? I am new to all of this and asking questions because it's something I do want to experience, but I know I have to look after myself too. So I'd love to hear your opinions and thoughts on this, because this is all new to me and I'm trying to understand it in depth. Thank you.

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Hi there,

I've had this problem most of my journey.
For me I always thought that submitting to someone there should be a natural connection and respect. Submitting doesn't mean your dominant is better than you or more powerful. I think it takes great strength to submit. To give over control takes so much trust, respect and bravery. That's quite powerful in itself. Most "Doms" I've spoken with were adamant that they were the real deal yet had absolutely no idea what it entails. They make all kinds of promises and 5 minutes later they're pushing boundaries and making unreasonable demands.

Obviously there are good Doms out there but I'm pretty sure they're hard to find.

Irrespective I hope that you find what you're looking for and wish you all the best of luck.

It is definitely about so much more then sex. No matter when the sexual excitement starts. There has to maybe be enjoyed moments savored instead of a rushing to merely get off. One could get off themselves if that was the case. A connection is not meant maybe to be rushed. Even when things may develop quickly.

What draws one into the lifestyle and seeks actively is different then the other. For example, I like to take control privately and not play in public. I'm not into humiliation nor pain. I am not into role play of any kind. I like to take control but refuse being controlling.

That does not mean what I like is everyone's cup of tea. Nor is it even anyone else's. Part of knowing yourself is being open to your desires instead of closing them off just to please another.

The seduction then maybe should start deeply within each mind. It has to come from a full place. Otherwise, the acts that follow are perhaps rather empty.

Because of that, there has to be maybe a desire of knowledge. This involves perhaps taking time and actually actively knowing. This extends outside of the actual bedroom.

There are few rules to maybe count on and we all have to perhaps find our own place of nirvana. Mutual trust is likely non-negotiable. This does not come just because one may demand it. Nothing should ever have to be taken at all. All should be freely given.

What happens deepest within the body can come best through that which comes from the most in depth places of mind.

The one who decides to submit is no matter what truly offering a gift. This is meant to be cherished. Since the one submitting is in control the entire time.

I just want to bring a different perspective for a minute. While I 100% agree with what everyone has said, it isn't just male dominants that push for sex right away. As a female dominant I am often surprised how often a new male sub will expect sex right away. My own preference is to spend time getting to know the person, their like and dislikes, fantasies, and so on. I have had potential male subs end the relationship because they want sex right away and I say no. So, maybe it's a guy thing?

SunshineSam218 said:

I've always been into BDSM, this is something I always wanted to experience. Deep down though, I will admit, I feel shameful and get upset at myself. This is what I want, but it seems like anytime I try to find an online relationship with a Dom, they seem to push sex almost immediately. Is this how it is? I thought trust would be have to be developed overtime for you to feel comfortable with them. I've chatted with a few of them online and I noticed how angry they get when it's not about sex. I don't think it's completely about sex, it has to be more than that right? Or am I mistaken?

To tell them your secrets, things your afraid of, things you enjoy to do. Don't they want to get to know there sub? Isn't there tasks given to them daily and rules to be followed? Or is it different for everyone? I am new to all of this and asking questions because it's something I do want to experience, but I know I have to look after myself too. So I'd love to hear your opinions and thoughts on this, because this is all new to me and I'm trying to understand it in depth. Thank you.

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By my generous estimation, +90% of all 'online doms' have never tried it in real life.

What's worse is that, propably the same percentage of those who have tried it in real life are really, really bad at it, and have botched what few attempts they've had.

So you're looking for the rare male who understands what while he has the initiative and ostensibly the power, his game is to push you without ever forcing you to tell him no.

But yes, you're right: You cannot be dominated by any man you do not respect. Respect is earned, not demanded. And even then, when push comes to shove, the sub is always in control - at least in so far as pushing too hard ends the game, and usually the relationship.

Also, just a personal tip: Don't believe anything anyone says online - it's another matter if you proceed to meet them in real life. But so long as anyone remains comfortably anonymous, consider what they say wishful thinking, rather than fact.

That goes for me too, of course: Only believe what sounds believable =)

cocktaildress21 said:

By my generous estimation, +90% of all 'online doms' have never tried it in real life.

What's worse is that, propably the same percentage of those who have tried it in real life are really, really bad at it, and have botched what few attempts they've had.

So you're looking for the rare male who understands what while he has the initiative and ostensibly the power, his game is to push you without ever forcing you to tell him no.

But yes, you're right: You cannot be dominated by any man you do not respect. Respect is earned, not demanded. And even then, when push comes to shove, the sub is always in control - at least in so far as pushing too hard ends the game, and usually the relationship.

Also, just a personal tip: Don't believe anything anyone says online - it's another matter if you proceed to meet them in real life. But so long as anyone remains comfortably anonymous, consider what they say wishful thinking, rather than fact.

That goes for me too, of course: Only believe what sounds believable =)

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Thank you for this post, I truly respect it. I've met a lot of fake Dom's on here trying to push me and guilt trip me into doing things I don't even wanna do. Some things I am not comfortable with. Your right trust is earned. It's not something that's simply just handed over to them. Trust is supposed to grow over time. This is why anytime I get "red flags" or feel off about anything, I won't talk to them anymore. Good thing I've always been cautious.

SunshineSam218 said:

Thank you for this post, I truly respect it. I've met a lot of fake Dom's on here trying to push me and guilt trip me into doing things I don't even wanna do. Some things I am not comfortable with. Your right trust is earned. It's not something that's simply just handed over to them. Trust is supposed to grow over time. This is why anytime I get "red flags" or feel off about anything, I won't talk to them anymore. Good thing I've always been cautious.

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How could you say you care about and for your sub, which is the most important thing, if you're pushing her into things she's not ok with? That's bullying and abuse and not a consensual dom/sub exchange

base10 said:

How could you say you care about and for your sub, which is the most important thing, if you're pushing her into things she's not ok with? That's bullying and abuse and not a consensual dom/sub exchange

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Exactly! This is why I drop talking to these guys if they do this to me. I've met so many fakes over the years that I'm aware of the red flags by now. The moment they try to guilt trip me, emotional blackmail me or get angry, I cut off all contact with them.

base10 said:

How could you say you care about and for your sub, which is the most important thing, if you're pushing her into things she's not ok with? That's bullying and abuse and not a consensual dom/sub exchange

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I agree completely. Someone is pushing an s type into doing things that are unsafe for her or unhealthy they you are without a doubt correct and they are fakes or wanna bees.

That being said. When a Dom/ Master and an s type have been together long enough to really get to know each other and trust has been well established (both ways). It is part of an experienced Dom/ Masters role to gently push his s type into areas that are more healthy for her. Many s types dont want to make decisions and that is one reason they seek out a Dominant in a relationship (My wife/slave is one of those, she needs me to be strong and help her make decisions. She is very intelligent. She just hasnt the will to always follow through with things) For instance. She had open heart surgery last Nov. She has recovered nicely even with the complications with Covid. But she NEEDS to get more exercise... She is aware, she agrees... but she wont do it on her own. So as her Master it falls to me to push her into doing things that are healthy and better for her.

Why do I mention this now? When the subject matter is more in tune with people trying to push subs into doing things right off the bat that tend to violate her limits? I do so because while I agree whole heatedly as stated before. Some people will automatically think that any Dominant, at any time that pushes their s type to do things they are not absolutely comfortable with... is BAD. So my point is that when in the confines of a dedicated, loving, consensual relationship built on trust... that it can actually be important that the Dominant do so... for the sake of their sub.

Its like when you know you have a friend who is suffering from depression. You know they wont help themselves... so its time to kick them in the butt to get them to stop wallowing and go out and have some fun and be social.

Ive seen people who try to connect the two, completely different examples... and try to say that any Dom that pushes their sub is abusive... and it just isnt cut and dry like that... life rarely is.

Thoughtful considerate and loving are my dominant rules to live by. Firm but fair at all times. Yes getting to know you is first and foremost. It is also never ending.

Every person is different to me its about getting to know each other and slowly finding out what works sex is sex sub dom b&d are different

sweettalk4u said:

Thoughtful considerate and loving are my dominant rules to live by. Firm but fair at all times. Yes getting to know you is first and foremost. It is also never ending.

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while I personally agree with you and share how I prefer things to be in My D/s or M/s relationships. The fact of the matter not all people do... Ive known a lot fo subs who do not crave that sort of dynamic. As much as that may shock some of us.

So in the end, being fair and honest, I had to admit that there are no rules per se... except one. That both parties have consent. I personally believe that both parties should get their needs met. But in the end the only thing that really matters is that all parties give their consent to be treated in whatever way they all agree upon. Both being of sound and clear mind at the time of consent... prior to any acts

Trust me, ive meet some subs that do not, in anyway want to be treated with respect or understanding. Ive usually had to tell them that treating her like that would violate my own personal limits and wish her the best... and swipe left. But ive meet more than a few persons like this in my time as Master and Dominant.

I dont have to agree with them. I have to respect their choices however.

Sex addiction is not in the dsm5 btw

DSM 5 is proof that a committee devolves to the lowest common denominator. No committee is smarter than its dumbest member. It has little to do with diagnostics and everything to do with how a patient may feel about a particular label.