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HELP! Boyfriend Won't Touch Me!

liloleme

liloleme

Really Experienced
Joined
May 29, 2002
Posts
116
Help me! My boyfriend, of the past two years has suddenly stopped showing me any sexual attention!

He insists he's not cheating, and I believe him.

But I've tried so many different things!

When it first started, I of course, like most women, started trying to act a little sexier. I stopped trimming my pubic hair and started shaving it, I got my hair cut, started wearing make up more. Hell, I tried initiating something everynight.

It is always the same things, he's tired, or he will later.

Isn't it suppossed to be the other way in relationships?! I'm supposed to be the one pushing him off of me. :-(

I've talked to him about it. He says that he's very much so attracted to me, and he's not cheating, but this is something every couple goes through.

He's the first guy I've been with in my life for more than 6 months. Is this true? It's been for the past month! That seems way too long!

I think I'm an attractive woman. I just don't know what to do to get him turned on. Help me!!!
 
No, this isn't something every couple goes through. Did you two have similar sex drives before he stopped showing you attention? Both wanted it about the same amount of times a week?

He may be having problems at work, with his family, or health concerns he isn't ready to share with you.

Lay off the pressure for awhile, and give him time to work things through. You might try rubbing his shoulders, making his favorite supper....doing something nice for him that doesn't make him tense up that you're going to want it to lead to sex.
 
Yeah, I think our sex drives were similiar. Sometimes we wanted at different times, but we each wanted it the same amount.

It's not just the sex though. He used to grab my ass a lot, and try to grab my chest in public.

Now I'm lucky if I get a kiss goodbye.
 
Hmmm...That really sucks, but I do think it is a common problem that couples go through. Having been married 10 years myself I can tell you that there are periods where one of us will be disinterested in sex usually do to busy lives or stress. Luckily for us it never last long. The biggest mistake I think people make when this happens is trying too hard to get the other person interested. I do think it is good to try....just don't go overboard. That just adds pressure to the situation and will make it harder to get back into the groove of things. I guess it's a fine line you walk......if you don't pay attention to the situation it will never get better and if you pay to much attention to it, it will only get worse.
 
try not to think to negative ! maybe he truely is just tired and having very long busy days at work?
It sounds as though you are still communicating to him about this, but if you repeatedly ask him if hes cheating when he is not he might get mad
I think just wait a while and maybe talk to him about it just little bit more!
it will come be okay just think positive :D
Maybe try taking him away for a weekend and make sure you pack the night with things that make him feel really good aswell as things that turn him on ! any loving boyfriend will not be able to resist after a night like that;)
good luck ! :) :rose:
 
Thanks

Just as a side note. I never have asked him if he's cheating. He just says that automatically.
 
has he been experiencing any sexual disfunction?

i am extremely sex driven, but as of lately, i get into it and after a few minutes of pumping away, i lose it. this has led me to not want to try haaving sex as often. Viagra does help, but in the back of my mind, i am connecting a few failed attemps with what the future attemps at sex might bring. has your man shown any stamina problems?
 
Re: Thanks

liloleme said:
Just as a side note. I never have asked him if he's cheating. He just says that automatically.
Click to expand...

don't want to rock your boat or anything....

but when my ex volunteered the 'i'm not cheating, it's nothing like that' line...
well...
he was.

and the same with several of my friends - every hubby/partner that volunteered the information, really WAS cheating.

i hope like hell it's not the case, but don't discount it until proven otherwise.
*sigh* sooooo many times we women overlook the obvious, simply because we wish it weren't so.... and that leads to pain and self-doubt when we find out.

like i said, i hope your situation really isn't that one, and good luck sorting this out.

:rose:
 
Re: has he been experiencing any sexual disfunction?

reddman said:
i am extremely sex driven, but as of lately, i get into it and after a few minutes of pumping away, i lose it. this has led me to not want to try haaving sex as often. Viagra does help, but in the back of my mind, i am connecting a few failed attemps with what the future attemps at sex might bring. has your man shown any stamina problems?
Click to expand...

No stamina problems. There's rarely any times that he even cums before I do.
 
Re: Re: Thanks

warrior queen said:
don't want to rock your boat or anything....

but when my ex volunteered the 'i'm not cheating, it's nothing like that' line...
well...
he was.

and the same with several of my friends - every hubby/partner that volunteered the information, really WAS cheating.

i hope like hell it's not the case, but don't discount it until proven otherwise.
*sigh* sooooo many times we women overlook the obvious, simply because we wish it weren't so.... and that leads to pain and self-doubt when we find out.

like i said, i hope your situation really isn't that one, and good luck sorting this out.

:rose:
Click to expand...

I hope it doesn't turn out that way either. I love him with all my heart. But I will admit, I've been wondering lately if maybe there isn't someone else.
 
Sometimes it is just that life has become a rut. Are the days the same time after time. Get up, go to work, come home, sit around, go to bed, get up, go to work, etc, etc? Many times this can lead to disinterest.
Get away. Go on that long weekend trip. Just the two of you. Do some things you have never done together. Go out and laugh. If nothing changes, maybe a trip to a doctor is in line. There can be hidden medical problems that just make the lust go away. Do all you can to bring back this lust. If nothing works then you need to reevaluate your relationship and what you need to get out of it. If you can't be happy then it may be time to move on.
 
Hey liloleme,

I've been through lulls in my sex drive in an LTR, and it's a common experience for couples. Usually, it's when I'm stressed and don't feel like I have any to go to the gym and I can't just sit and relax without running all the things I have to get done.

If a guy's in a "not tonight" phase, he tends to be less affectionate just because he's afraid it'll start something he's not ready to finish. I think it's it because guys associate cuddling with sex more than women do. You might ask him to cuddle with no expectations.

When I read that he volunteered repeatedly that he wasn't cheating, I immediately thought the same thing as WarriorQueen: he's cheating.

As Shakespeare said, "Methinks he doth protest too loudly." Sounds like a guilty conscience to me.

He may not be, but it's best to at least entertain the possibility.

Hope it works out for the best.

-- Slo
 
Last edited:
Re: Re: Re: Thanks

liloleme said:
I hope it doesn't turn out that way either. I love him with all my heart. But I will admit, I've been wondering lately if maybe there isn't someone else.
Click to expand...

Are you entertaining the idea just because of the lack of sex, or have you been instinctively picking up on other cues?

You talked a little bit about playing grab-ass in public. Were there other signs of affection in public, or just sexual ones?
 
A waning sex drive is one thing...a lack of intimacy is quite another thing. Sex drives are finicky things, they can change with the whims of the moon...literally. But intimacy? Those little things that make a couple feel close and secure? When you begin to lose that, there is a serious problem.

I wouldn't be so much concerned with the not having sex as I would with the fact that you are 'lucky to get a kiss goodbye'.

And ditto on what warrior queen said...if someone takes great pains to assure you they are not cheating, that usually means they are taking great pains to assure you don't go looking for evidence.

*sigh*

S.
 
sheath said:


I wouldn't be so much concerned with the not having sex as I would with the fact that you are 'lucky to get a kiss goodbye'.

S.
Click to expand...

He's been a bit better today. Came to pick me up at work and was very sweet. Held my hand on the way home even. I took some of your advice. I've backed off a bit. I guess I just need to wait a while and see.
 
liloleme said:
He's been a bit better today. Came to pick me up at work and was very sweet. Held my hand on the way home even. I took some of your advice. I've backed off a bit. I guess I just need to wait a while and see.
Click to expand...

I feel sorry for you. From what you've written, it sounds like there's a good possiblity he could be cheating, or about to cheat on you. I'd try and find out.

Also, maybe the fact that you're trying so hard to get him to want you is putting him off a bit. If you just lay off and act cool for awhile, he might come running back to you. Guys like the chase.
 
lovechild27 said:
Follow your gut on this one...its usually right.
Click to expand...

Thanks for keeping me all optomistic! J/K

*sigh*

Well, he just started a new job this week. Midnight shift. One of my suspisions is if he hasn't been going to work and has been going to see someone.

There's a laundry area at his work, he says, and he was going to try to sneak some of our laundry in (we live in an apartment.)

So I figure my best way of finding out is going to be to see what clothes he took with him. If any of mine are there, I guess I can be pretty certain he didn't go do that at some girlfriends house.

Unless of course, she knows about me. Then all my ideas are shot! :rolleyes:
 
Re: Re: Thanks

warrior queen said:
*sigh* sooooo many times we women overlook the obvious, simply because we wish it weren't so.... and that leads to pain and self-doubt when we find out.
Click to expand...

It's not only the women who do this tbh.

I'll throw in my 2 cents I suppose. Me and my (now) ex had sex quite frequently at first. Frequent enough to keep us both content anyway. However after being with her two years it died. We had sex perhaps once a month and by the end of the relationship (about 9 months later) we were having sex once every three months or less.

Even though it was furstrating I still loved her dearly and I loved being with her, even if it wasn't sexual in nature. Sex is a small portion of a relationship (but it is a portion none the less, don't get me wrong). If you love him and you feel for him stay in there for a while to see if things will return to normal. If not you might want to have a serious talk with him and make him understand it could be the end of the relationship.

Perhaps he is cheating though. We guys are simplistic and our lying is pretty bad so if he is cheating (or planning on it) you will be able to tell pretty easily. Unlike you women who cover stuff up so well and confuse men so easily. I still can't figure out whether my ex broke up with me because she was cheating on me, she didn't like me anymore, or the reason she gave me, lol :D .
 
heres an idea...why dont you come out and ask him? Ya...he may not like it or take it well but you may get some solid answers. If is he is cheating better to find out sooner than later!
 
lovechild27 said:
heres an idea...why dont you come out and ask him? Ya...he may not like it or take it well but you may get some solid answers. If is he is cheating better to find out sooner than later!
Click to expand...

That's a great idea, but I don't think you read the whole thing. He's volunteering the information that he is not cheating and I should not think that he is. I have never once accused him of it. That's how we came to that discussion.

My concern was just that he isn't in "the mood" much anymore.

And I do love him with all my heart and will stay by him. I just wish I knew exactly what was going on.
 
liloleme said:


There's a laundry area at his work, he says, and he was going to try to sneak some of our laundry in (we live in an apartment.)

So I figure my best way of finding out is going to be to see what clothes he took with him. If any of mine are there, I guess I can be pretty certain he didn't go do that at some girlfriends house.

Unless of course, she knows about me. Then all my ideas are shot! :rolleyes:
Click to expand...
Will he come home in freshly laundered clothes?
 
Re: Thanks

liloleme said:
Just as a side note. I never have asked him if he's cheating. He just says that automatically.
Click to expand...

if you never asked him then it seems he has a guilty concense to me.
 
If he's started a new job (midnite shift) why don't you ask for his number and call him there one night.

If no such number exists, you can be pretty sure he doesn't even have a new job.
 
Re: Thanks

liloleme said:
Just as a side note. I never have asked him if he's cheating. He just says that automatically.
Click to expand...
That's a definite flag. Not a conviction, but should arouse suspicion.
As a side note, I've been married for 30 years... was never too tired to have sex, even when I was working 3 jobs and had little kids...
:rolleyes:
 
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