Anyone have Resources on Emotional Abuse?

Hello again.

I've been in counseling for a while now, and I am finally beginning to understand that my ex was emotionally abusive. It has been very, very difficult for me to believe he could have been...but now that it is starting to sink in, I'm looking for help in healing from it. Baby steps...and for me, that first step is arming myself with information.

I have been searching the internet, and it seems like there are huge volumes of information on physical and verbal abuse, but only a little substantial information on emotional abuse.

This might fit in with the VERY popular abuse thread on lit: Helping someone who has been abused So if you read this thread and want more in-depth information, go there.

I'm looking for a list of resources...good books that helped, websites that offer support, thoughts on emotional abuse. Even your own stories, if you would like to share those. If anyone can offer help, I would appreciate it...as always.

Literotica is filled with wonderful people who love to help. Thanks to all of you who give so much of yourselves.

S.

Sheath,
In a short survey of sites found via yahoo while searching for "Emotional Abuse", I found a few sites you might look into.

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

This one I found rather suspect because it makes the classic mistake of calling an apple an orange. It cites emotional abuse as a form of brainwashing, although it fails to point out that brainwashing turns out to be an entirely voluntary action on the part of the washee. In effect, the person being abused volunteers to give up control to the abuser in order to escape additional conflict. There is an excellent article concerning brainwashing at the Skeptics Dictionary which also may prove illuminating to the above url. http://skepdic.com/mindcont.html

http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html

http://www.webheights.net/GrowingbeyondEmotionalAbuse/
A short list of links to further sites on the topic.

http://www.myndtalk.org/htm/abuse.htm

http://www.aifs.org.au/nch/issues8.html

http://www.southernct.edu/departments/womenscenter/relationships/emotionab.htm

http://bdsm_abuse.tripod.com/emotional abuse.htm
Now this site is really quite interesting because it highlights how it can become possible for a BDSM relationship to fall into an abusive one. I would think that any Dom/Domme wannabe should read everything here and print it out, carry it with them always as a reminder of what can happen if they lose track of what they are doing.

Emotional or Mental abuse is just another form of the abuse cycle. Some experts believe it to be the pre-cursor to physical abuse, but not all emotional abusers move into physical abuse.

My ex was great at Emotional Abuse, or what I preferred to call Marital Terrorism. By the time I finally found my balls and left her, my self esteem would have fit on the back of a postage stamp, with room to spare. I think in one way I was lucky, while my home life might have sucked bigtime, my professional one was quite an ego boost. It was the one thing she couldn't tear down, and the raises/promotions etc that came from work did a lot to offset her constant belittling.

Abuse is power play taken to sick proportions. No one should have to suffer through it, mental or physical. Unfortunately today, most clinical psychologists blame it all on bad childhood experiences. Frankly I don't really buy that explanation. People are adults, and should be capable of examining their actions as adults. Putting the blame on some abuse that occurred during childhood seems more like an attempt to avoid judicial penalties rather than owning up to one's own behavior.

In effect, the person being abused volunteers to give up control to the abuser in order to escape additional conflict.

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That leapt out at me, because I did that, in spades. He would get angry, and sulk for days......not speak to me unless absolutely necessary, and if I said no to sex, well there was something wrong with me because I didn't like it So I gave in, let him have his way because it was easier than dealing with his attitude.

He never hit me......sometimes I think it might have been better if he did, because people tend to believe what they can actually see. When I finally did leave the relief and the freedom was wonderful. I didn't have to walk on eggshells anymore.....

He is still jealous, and stubborn, and like a child who hasn't grown up.....

Bandit58 said:

That leapt out at me, because I did that, in spades. He would get angry, and sulk for days......not speak to me unless absolutely necessary, and if I said no to sex, well there was something wrong with me because I didn't like it So I gave in, let him have his way because it was easier than dealing with his attitude.

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The problem is there is a media influenced opinion that brain washing is some sort of magic reprogramming of the human mind. A way of making someone do something which they have no control over. People ascribe cults, and some countries as performing brain washing on people.

The first really serious studies of brain washing came about near the end of the Korean war when our government tried to understand why some of our POWS would allow themselves to become propaganda tools for the Red Chinese and North Koreans.

In every case it was found that despite the media belief in brainwashing, the POWS were responding to the desire to avoid further brutal and dehumanizing treatment. They were in effect, voluntary participants in those propaganda efforts. During the Vietnam war, we experienced the same problem again, and it was finally decided that when faced with savage treatment from your captors, it really was ok to give up enough information/cooperation to avoid additional brutal treatment. The military expected you to endure until you could endure no more, then give just enough to satisfy your captors into relenting.

In a more domestic situation, even one without physical abuse, stress can cause one to hit a breaking point at which time you basically say "Its ok to let him/her have control over x or y". You do it in a vain hope that it will relieve the stress entirely when all it really does is bleed a little of the pressure off before starting to build again. Unfortunately for many people, it takes them a long time to realize that agreeing today to some demand will not stop tomorrow's demand from coming. It took me 12 years to figure that out.

What really bothers me is that all of the resources I've found online seem to address the issue of Women being abused, and not one that I have found admitted that its possible for men to be victims as well. To be sure, I could have decked her and that would have probably put a stop to it. But my parents brought me up to respect women, not to hit them. So that really wasn't an option as far as I was concerned. Several times during that 12 years I wanted to hit her. I yearned to hit her. Once I got so mad I put my fist through the wall. But I knew I really couldn't hit her.

Emotional/mental abuse can be devilishly subtle in form. You can endure it for a long time before you even realize its a form of abuse. It can take many forms, from months of silence, to loud complaints to more ego bursting things like being told you're a lousy lover incapable of getting your partner off. Sadly though, they don't give people an abuse handbook when you start a relationship, or get married. You end up having to learn about it the hard way, as you experience it first hand. And by then, the damage is done.

there are so many forms of emotional abuse that it is sometimes quite difficult to recognise when it's happening.

i have also been in a situation where i was emotionally abused - but not in the way most people think it happens.
in my case, i was told over and over that my ex could not function if i wasn't there, that he would maybe not be able to control the reactions he'd have if i left - he's bipolar II, or manic depressive - and so i ended up thinking i was somehow obligated to protect him (even from himself).
the fact that i ended up staying with him for 5 yrs after i fell out of love with him says it all.
it wasn't because of the kids i stayed - it was because i had been 'directed' to think that he might suicide as a result of me leaving, and that i would have been responsible.

passing ownership of emotional wellbeing onto a partner is definately a form of emotional abuse.

Bobmi357 said:

Emotional/mental abuse can be devilishly subtle in form. You can endure it for a long time before you even realize its a form of abuse. It can take many forms, from months of silence, to loud complaints to more ego bursting things like being told you're a lousy lover incapable of getting your partner off. Sadly though, they don't give people an abuse handbook when you start a relationship, or get married. You end up having to learn about it the hard way, as you experience it first hand. And by then, the damage is done.

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Oh he was subtle all right.....and he still doesn't realise that what he was doing was abusive. He is still laying blame on me. Apparently it's MY fault. I broke up the family. I made him have to go into debt to give me my entitlements (no matter that I settled for one third LESS than my due so my kids could still have a home and he wouldn't have to sell the farm, and that his elderly parents would not get into financial trouble). When I decided to move to Australia to be with Gil it was "didn't you think about your kids"......no matter that I'd talked to them and found that all they wanted was for their mother to be happy.

I didn't even realise it was abuse until a friend online said one day "He shouldn't be treating you that way" I had thought it was something to do with me, why wasn't I happy, why did I have a stomach ulcer, I wasn't stressed.....was I?? That was 3 years ago. I realised I hadn't loved him for a very long time, if at all. Fear kept me there, I had always been shy and had thought I wouldn't be able to cope on my own, and he had reinforced that fear in so many little ways. The kids were growing up and I realised that I would be stuck with just him forever if I didn't do something about it, it took just one putdown too many and I just blurted it out before I lost my courage. And all I felt at the time was.....relief.

Almost 2 years later that life seems to have belonged to a different person. It's like I woke up after years of just existing. Life is fun again, I'd forgotten what fun was. And now there are even better doors opening for me with a new life in a new country, starting this coming weekend

WQ.....my ex did something I find totally reprehensible and unforgivable. He actually said while he was on the phone to me one day after we split "I might as well kill myself now and get it over with" while our 14 yr old daughter could hear every bloody word Bastard.....

What incredible resources! I'm working my way through them.

Thank you for the responses. They made me think.

S.

Direct hit

My ex was great at Emotional Abuse, or what I preferred to call Marital Terrorism. By the time I finally found my balls and left her, my self esteem would have fit on the back of a postage stamp, with room to spare.

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Bobmi...that was a direct hit. I have been there....and then repeated it. Matter of fact, realizing it began with my father, continued (much worse) with my first husband. I thought my second husband was my salvation, ended up being a continuation of my hell.

I am finally free....and trying to find out who I am and what I am capable of...cause I am really not sure. I do know that I am on my way. Thank you for the resources...I plan on working my way through them.

*hugs*

Sheath, as ever - your threads make me so thoughtful...

I know a couple of men right now, different kinds of friends - one in bed, one out... and while I can't say that they are emotionally or physically abusive - sometimes I'm not sure that being with them is good for me, and I'm trying to reconcile all this in my head.

Be warned, you have a very LONG pm coming from me - thanks, darlin...

Good job Bobmi. You are such a good person and full of very good advice. I hope your wife realizes what a gem she has.

Sheath, listen to Bob. He knows where he speaks.

Bandit, again, my best wishes to you and Gil. I know exactly what you speak of. Funny how they never seem to accept responsibility of their own actions.

when did this happen

I'm reading through some of the links that Bobmi provided, and it's so strange...

"If you determine that you have/are in an abusive relationship - you may wish seek assistance in trying to consider what you should do now. Emotionally abusive relationships can often result in a difficulty with self-advocacy. You have learned at the hands of your abuser to question your self and your value. As you move to make decisions and observations about yourself - you are likely to seek out validation for much of what you think and do."

That's hitting me and really resonating, and I'm glad to have found this thread - thank you, Bobmi. My family has always been one of those independent, don't need doctors, shrinks, or otherwise, kind of families... I don't think that there is exactly one person or relationship where I can lay blame for where I am in life - but it will help me to find some of the factors...

Thank you - this helps.

sheath said:

I have been searching the internet, and it seems like there are huge volumes of information on physical and verbal abuse, but only a little substantial information on emotional abuse.

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Don't forget that verbal and emotional abuse are pretty well linked. It may start as verbal but the result is emotional.

I did a little search and came up with this page.

http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=emotional+abuse+anonymous&ei=UTF-8&n=20&fl=0&x=wrt

Sheath, some of the links I gave you ages ago have info on this, I can resend them if you like

Oh, sheath -

I'm so sorry this has happened. This is the kind of news that makes me wish I could reach through my computer and hug you tightly. I don't really know what else I can do to help.

You are so smart to be in counseling - thank God you are working through it all.

I don't have any experience with this in romantic relationships but my first boss was very verbally abusive. For five years he made my life miserable and it wasn't until I quit that I realized what stresses I'd been attempting to handle. The enormous weight disappeared from my shoulders - I was giddy for a year.

Looking back I am ashamed and angry that I tolerated it for so long. I wish I could see him again because I'd love to plant my fist in his stupid face.

I don't know if that is healthy but it sure as hell would make me feel better!

Thinking of you -

you know, I think it's important for people to be able to recognize emotional abuse from anyone. My mother was emotionally abusive for the first 19 years of my life and is still struggling to not be that way now.

I was in a horribly abusive relationship that did turn physical at the end.

And I allowed myself to be abused in a work situation.

Having said that, I honestly don't think any was less harmful than the others. I just think that they are all different and need to be dealt with differently. Thank goodness there ARE resources out there.

I'm so glad this thread is helping people.

Ang

Re: when did this happen

watergirl said:

That's hitting me and really resonating, and I'm glad to have found this thread - thank you, Bobmi. My family has always been one of those independent, don't need doctors, shrinks, or otherwise, kind of families... I don't think that there is exactly one person or relationship where I can lay blame for where I am in life - but it will help me to find some of the factors...

Thank you - this helps.

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I came from a similar type of family. Part of the reason why I stayed as long as I did was because I didn't want to be the first person in my family to get a divorce. I didn't want to dissapoint my parents. Divorces are hard on grandparents because the courts rarely consider their needs. My parents already had nearly lost one set of grandkids when my brother died. My divorce would have risked the only other set of grandkids.

Imagine my surprise when I told my father I was planning on divorcing my wife and he replied with a "Well, I am surprised you lasted this long, I expected this at least 2 years ago.". You could have knocked me over with a feather.

For all our independance and stubbornness, I could not have moved out if I didn't have a group of supportive family and friends. My soon to be second wife lived over 2400 miles away and we had never met face to face by that point. It was hard, it meant admitting that something you've dedicated a substantial portion of your life to, has failed. They say that second marriages have a higher incidence of divorce than first marriages. I say bullshit, if anyone remembers the pain of ending the first one, they will do EVERYTHING in thier power to make sure the second one is a success.

I will say this to anyone leaving a relationship, even one without any obvious abuse in it. Months before you plan on leaving, alert your close friends. Tell your family. Let everyone know how shitty you feel now, how unhappy you are. By the time you do leave, they will understand, and be supportive of your move. You need and must have support to make such a move. Even if its just someone whose shoulder you can cry on.

Re: Re: when did this happen

Bobmi357 said:

I came from a similar type of family. Part of the reason why I stayed as long as I did was because I didn't want to be the first person in my family to get a divorce. I didn't want to dissapoint my parents. Divorces are hard on grandparents because the courts rarely consider their needs. My parents already had nearly lost one set of grandkids when my brother died. My divorce would have risked the only other set of grandkids.

Imagine my surprise when I told my father I was planning on divorcing my wife and he replied with a "Well, I am surprised you lasted this long, I expected this at least 2 years ago.". You could have knocked me over with a feather.

For all our independance and stubbornness, I could not have moved out if I didn't have a group of supportive family and friends. My soon to be second wife lived over 2400 miles away and we had never met face to face by that point. It was hard, it meant admitting that something you've dedicated a substantial portion of your life to, has failed. They say that second marriages have a higher incidence of divorce than first marriages. I say bullshit, if anyone remembers the pain of ending the first one, they will do EVERYTHING in thier power to make sure the second one is a success.

I will say this to anyone leaving a relationship, even one without any obvious abuse in it. Months before you plan on leaving, alert your close friends. Tell your family. Let everyone know how shitty you feel now, how unhappy you are. By the time you do leave, they will understand, and be supportive of your move. You need and must have support to make such a move. Even if its just someone whose shoulder you can cry on.

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It pleases me to see that a site which is basically a SEX site has so many caring ppl aboard & lots of open honest posting, it gives hope for this sad mis guided world we share & the amount of honesty shown amazes me.

I haven't had a chance to go into the sites that have been posted but will as in the thread I started there is a growing number of guys who are posting of their abuse & one who we are very worried about because of his desperation & the sad fact that he's limited on use of his/their PC as his abuser is also a member of LIT.

Keep the help comming.

Thanks to sheath for starting this thread, being open and honest and vulnerable as usual. It's a wonderful trait to have.

And to all the people who have shared stories and advice!

I haven't been in an emotionally abusive relationship. Heck! I've only had one. But I'm following this thread so I know what to look for. In myself and guys I'll date in the future.

If I'm honest with myself, I really am naive. I'm extremely trusting. I take people at their word. I'm gullible. I think they have my best interests at heart, because I have theirs at heart. And I'm sure that's not true. Not that I'm going to become cynical and bitter, but I'm going to keep my eyes open for my flaws and others'.

So thanks again.

Best wishes!

NaiveOne said:

Thanks to sheath for starting this thread, being open and honest and vulnerable as usual. It's a wonderful trait to have.

And to all the people who have shared stories and advice!

I haven't been in an emotionally abusive relationship. Heck! I've only had one. But I'm following this thread so I know what to look for. In myself and guys I'll date in the future.

If I'm honest with myself, I really am naive. I'm extremely trusting. I take people at their word. I'm gullible. I think they have my best interests at heart, because I have theirs at heart. And I'm sure that's not true. Not that I'm going to become cynical and bitter, but I'm going to keep my eyes open for my flaws and others'.

So thanks again.

Best wishes!

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You need to ad your experience to memory so you know & there are those out there that are open & honest & the lesson your learnt & searching the sites will I hope lead you to finding a real man.

Just a quick note...

Thank you all for the resources, for the comments, and especially for taking the time to post your own personal experiences.

I'm glad this thread is helping a few of you out there. It is definitely helping me.

You guys are great!

S.

NaiveOne said:

If I'm honest with myself, I really am naive. I'm extremely trusting. I take people at their word. I'm gullible. I think they have my best interests at heart, because I have theirs at heart. And I'm sure that's not true. Not that I'm going to become cynical and bitter, but I'm going to keep my eyes open for my flaws and others'.

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I didn't really start to understand what was going on with me and most of my relationships (personal, professional, friends etc.) until I was well over the line of cynical and bitter. When I started back in other direction things became clearer to me...it made be a more balanced person.

Thank you

Thanks so sososososos sooooooooooooooooooooooo much - I really appreciate our chat tonight -

*hugs*

Re: Thank you

watergirl said:

Thanks so sososososos sooooooooooooooooooooooo much - I really appreciate our chat tonight -

*hugs*

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I appreciate it just as much. You're great.

Thanks again to all those who posted on this thread. I have ordered a few really, really good books on emotional abuse:

Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity
By Marie-France Hirigoyen

The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself
By M.F.C.C. Beverly Engel

Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse
By Gregory Lantz

The last one is really interesting to me because it explores abuse by indifference...something the Music Man did to me on a regular basis. I never realized the depth of the pain it caused until very, very recently.

Thank you all for the suggestions, and for being willing, as always, to open your hearts. It means the world to me.

S.