Deal with post-anal emotional issues

Ok, we've seen a TON of threads on how to get people in to anal and how to DO anal
The issue I have run in to with a few partners and that I have heard about from some lady friends is how it affects them AFTER the act
I am talking here about women who enjoy the act and in some cases even get off on it but have some sort of a problem afterwards
Some examples:
My Evil Ex, after 2 years of leading up to anal with fingers and tongue, got in to the act, but sometimes after would get all down and quiet and depressed after. On one occasion we had a REALLY wild session and she got off in to dirty talk (which she almost never did), had a violent orgasm, and even squirted a bit, which was unusual for her. After, she jumped up and ran to the bathroom. She always liked to clean up right after, so I didn't worry at first. But she STAYED in there...for 2 hours! I checked after a few minutes & I could hear her crying but she wouldn't let me in. She wouldn't really speak to me for a couple of days after (communication was never her strong suit). The most I could get out of her was that her enjoyment of it made her "feel dirty".

My psycho ex had some bad previous experiences with anal, but with some patience I was able to get her to try it & she found she liked it, to the point of initiating it or asking for it on occasion. Now, I happen to really like anal, and there were birth control issues that concerned me, so I leaned toward anal. At one point she said to me she didn't want it any more. She explained that she felt like me wanting anal more than vaginal made her feel "less like a woman, or unnapreciated for my womanhood"

Some of that was echoed by my ex Jasmine. We're still good friends and we were talking recently when the subject came up. Jasmine had tried anal twice when she was younger before she had her daughter. The first time was, in her words "A colossal failure" and the second time was "excrutiatingly painful". Since having her child, she's had it succesfully, said she enjoys it, and can get off on it, but still doesn't like it. Her first reason is that she got bad hemmeroids while pregnant, and she's always wigged after anal about a reccurence. Her second reason is that altho she did her Kegels, she's always worried that she's not tight enough and if a guy wants her anally she's thinking "Is it because my pussy is too loose?" I told her what psycho ex said about woman hood, and she noted that psycho ex has also born a child. She (Jasmine) said that some of her other friends who've had kids had the same feeling, it was some sort of insult to their vaginas that the guys want anal.

So, my question is, given that these women LIKE anal, at least physically or when stimulated properly, and that a lot of us guys like GIVING it, how do you deal with these issues and any others like them? (which I would hope you will all share)

I wonder how many women out there who refuse anal do it because of the mental aftermath?

I don't quite look at it as who refusing anal "because of the mental aftermath?" but I do have some emotional issues that happen during and after.

I have to be in a certain space with a partner to do anal, I have to have almost complete trust, not just from the fear of being hurt but also because for me anal is very intense and I enter a completely open and raw state of mind. During and afterwards for a while I am completely vulnerable. I usually come very hard, very intensely and I get completely wiped out doing anal. I am also capable of freaking out for a moment when I enter that space. I am very independent and that kind of vulnerablity can scare me. If I do not trust my partner to understand and respect that, I will not do anal.

I relatively recently got into Im and phone cyber sex and even within that context the same vulnerable can happen, and the couple times I have freaked, my partners were very good, understanding and reassuring, and we continued as my partners in real life have been.

Don't know if that helps. I never feel dirty.

As one who absolutely LOVES anal sex, I do have some aftermath issues. One of them being cramps for several hours afterwards. They aren't enought to deter me. If I know in advance I will use an enema to totally clean the bowel. I don't know if that adds to the cramps but have noticed they last a bit longer after when I do cleanse. When that isn't an option, I've noticed that the reaction to semen within me makes me feel...well...squishy for lack of a better term. The size of the male or toy does make a huge difference in the physical effects. Also with toys if they are vibrators that seems to stimulate the sphincters and bowel to go hyperactive.

I do believe that the act itself makes me feel more like a slave than any other type of sex. It does change my mood but not in a negative way. I may get a bit quieter (yeah a way to shut myst up) but it doesn't last long.


To sum it up, the after effects are more physical in nature than they are mental. I won't ever turn it down and look forward to my next encounter.

(so James, when you coming over so we can encounter?)

~Myst~

I myself have dealt with women who suffered some sort of emotional trouble after working into anal sex. I think the main problem is that many women feel threatened and scared by it. What is so wrong with my pussy that makes him want to fuck me in the ass? It's also a very big sign of submission to some women. From the time that we are taught sexual education or have the Birds/Bees conversation with a parent it is pounded into our heads that sex is formulaic. A man sticks his dick in your pussy while in the missionary position. Moves it in and out until ejaculation, then roles off and hopes nobody gets pregnant. Anal sex is/was always considered a taboo relagated to perverted gay men. In ancient times it was used as a sign of dominance over a servant or slave. These same misconceptions still exist today within the minds of many.

Many women look at them offering you their pussy as the greatest gift they can give you. The old virginity clause. While I do not completely disagree with this, I do feel it is a bit naive. When a women feels trusting enough to offer herself to you is what I see as the gift. It can be her mouth, hand, ass, pussy, or just a hug. She has started to trust you and give herself to you.

Using anal sex as the equation here think about this. You and a woman are having very satisfying sex. You decide to try something different. You both agree to anal sex which she is very hesitant of, but she wants to make you happy. You both enjoy it, but then you seem to want it a lot. Many times giving more attention to it than to her pussy. Now the thing that makes her unique is no longer a factor. She feels inadequate, because you could get ass anywhere. It may also hurt her which she doesn't speak of, cause gastric disturbances, create a fear of uncleanliness (the ass is a nasty crevice), etc.

You have to sit down and have a serious heart to heart about why she reacts to anal sex or any sexual situation for that matter in the way she does. It's how we learn about each other through this experimentation and communication. If the woman will not talk to you about such things, then the relationship is just plainly in trouble.

I myself love to perform assplay on a woman, but not every woman is keen for it. Although, I love to do most anything to a women. It is definitely a hard limit for many men/women. I've known quite a few women who wouldn't do anal, because it made them feel dirty and some said it made them physically uncomfortable. I knew girl in college who was passionate about anal, but it was exceptionally painful for her for some reason. I had her pass out on me several times from anal play, but after she came to she would climb right back on. Gotta love a cute masochist.

I guess i would be one of those women who craves anal but really can not handle it. For me, it echoes too strongly the sexual abuse i dealt with as a child. The fact that i get off from it (really, really hard usually) makes me feel even dirtier. For me, it's not about post anal issues, it's about pre, during and after. So how does one deal?

Well immense trust is needed. I have to trust that whomever is back there KNOWS me well enough that if my body says *STOP* they will hear it. I need time.

Anal sex takes me out of myself and puts me someplace that i do not want to be, but that only makes me enjoy it more (and makes me feel dirtier in the process) I believe the *maso* gets off on it...because I feel hurt and humiliated. The rest of me, when the maso goes back to her box...well the rest of me cringes.

I don't know if i will ever enjoy anal mentally without dying inside each time i do it, but i keep on trying...cuz one day, maybe i will find some one who cares enough and is TRUSTWOTHY enough, to make me forget about my past...just once. And just once would be enough for me.

Pet

Good intresting topic, I have never thought about this part and learning as I read. Never noticed a problem with us but I will have to talk about this with skitten...........

An encounter?

My previous post was childish...and not in the spirit of this tread. Please just accept this change.

I don't know that I suffer any long term post issues, other then wanting to visit the bathroom for a bit (or not being able to). There was one guy who particularly enjoyed using my ass as opposed to my pussy. However, this was an older guy who was on some meds that made staying hard difficult. So, I didn't consider that there was a problem with *me.*

My issues are more during initial penitration. I love anal and orgasm pretty hard. Sometimes I tense up just as I'm entered, despite plenty of foreplay. Generally I am able to relax again, and away I go!

I don't know that my "issues" have anything to do with emotions, but rather as someone said the bathroom thing. For me (and I have no idea why I'm actually saying this, cause it's almost embarrassing) it's a control issue. I seem to have a problem with gas afterwards... for quite some time... and it's kind of embarrassing when I know why I have that gas and I'm irrationally afraid others will realize it. Also, some times (not all) I can have really loose stools for a while just from all the jostling around and whatnot in my innards.

I don't think I've ever really had any guilt over anal sex. The first time my SO and I had anal sex, I was nervous and kind of embarrassed during the leading up to and actual act. I didn't orgasm then or the second time. I do now, and I also believe that because of the trust surrounding anal sex, we are closer as a couple as well, enabling us to try other things we previously may have avoided.

Ang

I think it's kind of like sub-drop. With that extra edge of taboo (if you can have taboo in that whole rigamarole of sub/Dom, etc).

First, I understand the 'I feel dirty' feeling. The first time I had anal, it made me feel disgusting, probably because he didn't care about my pain level and health at all, and I got violently sick afterward. However, I'm past that point, and I love anal now.

Second, the insult to the vagina. Men tell me that they enjoy getting head from me immensely. They say I have a tight throat. Sometimes, I feel like my pussy might not be tight enough, but *shrug* Aside from my kegels, what can I do? Nothing. So I don't worry.

Thirdly, the sub-drop aspect of it. Anal sex, every time I've had it, has been painful. Maybe not BADLY painful, but still, there was pain. I enjoy pain, so for me, it doesn't mean badness. However, getting to my point.. pain produces adrenaline, and the physical activity of getting fucked produces endorphins, and so there's all kinds of chemical stuff going on.. it's a high... and while we're into it, we can be the most whorish people on the planet.. but when that high goes away, there's that drop, that depression... and we realized that we might have screamed dirty things, and we realize that we've acted slutty, blah blah blah, and then the social conditioning kicks in... we backlashed against decorum. We feel dirty.

That is my answer to that.

My suggestion is merely talking about it. Before you enter the bedroom, and after you leave it. Communication is key.. maybe they love the activity, but hate that it makes them scream like a bitch in heat.. maybe they dig the pain, but not the psychological 'dirty' feeling of you up their ass.. who knows.. just learn.

I love anal, and sometimes prefer it. My bf and I often do vaginal and then move to anal, which is agood combination. I've never felt bad afterwards, although I'm sometimes physically sore. For some reason, I've never thought of anal as dirty in any way other than the practical concerns.

I love anal, as have both partners with whom I've had it. Neither has ever expressed any guilt or negative emotion around the experience, but I can certainly understand how someone could.

With regard to the feelings of whorishness and guilt at enjoying something so taboo, what kind of response helps those of you who feel that way? I've always made sure to thank my partner afterwards for their trust and willingness, and I've been sure to describe how much I enjoyed it myself and enjoyed watching them enjoy themselves.

Black sheep I guess. My X wife loved anal sex and to be quite honest it was not that great for me. If I was aroused I could easily get it in and it is not like I never completed the mission up the poop chute.
However I rather have the not extream tightness of the vagina, Doggy style mind you. I think it is the added thrill of pregnancy potential also.
No post shock just not an area I had to covet or hurried to get into.

Phildo

For me the pain issue has always taken precendent over any pleasure that there may have been involved in anal sex. Now when I say pain, I mean pain akin to that I felt during childbirth. Pain that all to often felt as if I were being rippen apart from the rear.
On one and only one occassion I have been able to move past the pain to see if I could get any enjoyment out of it and I walked away feeling about as cheap and dirty as I have ever felt in my life. My husband enjoys anal immensely, perhaps more so because it is something we never partake of. On this particular occassion he was so aroused at having actually acheived anal penetration that he absolutely went to town. It was the reverse of the anal recipient " getting off" and acting whorish, instead it was him. He became very aggressive, dominant and seemed to disregard my pain and lack of pleasure in pursuit of his own. Afterward I felt used. I think I sat in the bathroom for an hour and bawled my eyes out. My husband and I agree that part and parcel of my reaction was my past sexual history and my youth, but it is still to this day something that I can't get past. As a result we simply do not participate in anal intercourse at all. For some people like me, it's such a deep seated issue/ taboo that even with the most considerate of partners and the most intense of reactions it's something we can't get past.

Interesting responses all
apet's comments seem most like what my Evil Ex went thru...she would also go thru times of being submissive and then get all guilty after, it's quite possible anal bbrought that to the fore

I understand the physical issues with aftermath some of you have mentioned, and none of this was a physical thing, I am talking about lingering mental or emotional issues after

Pain was not a problem for any of them, only with my friend Jasmine was it a FEAR of pain

I'd like to hear more from you folks


Sorry Mystiq, no time for travel any time soon

I actually like the feelings i get after Anal. Yup I feel used, I feel slutty and i even might be a little embarassed when i think about all the whorish things that came spitting out of my mouth during the throes of it all but it all makes me feel good!

I cum so hard,over and over and over with anal. I usually fall asleep soon after but huby and I always snuggle up tight especially after anal sex. Knowing he loves that whorrish side of me and accepts it I think is an important thing to me. Also I know he loves anal, we don't do it often probably only 2 or 3 times a year and when we do he really lets go. I like that.

(that last comment was a major understatement!)

Regarding the disapproval of vagina leading to an interest in anal sex -

For me, giving up my ass is a greater gift because it hurts me more. I am a total slut when it comes to vaginal sex, I utterly crave it and want more more more. But it's hard for me to enjoy it in my ass because it hurts, so when I do submit to it, that's giving up more of myself.

As for afterward, I tend to feel a sense of achievement because I was able to take it. There have been times (not recently!) when I was just not in the right place emotionally and have squirmed away and avoided anal sex, and that has always left me feeling terribly guilty. Those are the times I really feel awful about what happened; when it's successful (that is, when I can let myself be penetrated all the way, to the point of ramming) I am pleased with what has happened.

Mstrskey said:

...he was so aroused at having actually acheived anal penetration that he absolutely went to town. It was the reverse of the anal recipient " getting off" and acting whorish, instead it was him. He became very aggressive, dominant and seemed to disregard my pain and lack of pleasure in pursuit of his own...

Click to expand...

The last part of this comment struck me the most. Given that he KNOWS how difficult anal is for you (physically and emotionally), his reaction sounds extremely insensitive. With that kind of attitude, I wouldn't want him anywhere near my ass even if I DID sometimes enjoy it. That reaction of his may be something the two of you should discuss...

Assuming that you've already read the anal How-To threads and have tried all the suggestions there (lube, patience, etc), you may just want to accept that anal sex isn't for you. Everyone is different-- physically, mentally, morally, and emotionally. There is nothing wrong (or right) with you merely because you do not want to engage in a particular sex act. In your case, I would probably make anal sex a hard limit and say "never again."

Ducklover ~
rest assured we have virtually ruled out anal intercourse in our future. I never say never, but (hahahaha) I'm pretty certain there is some physical reason that I can't get past the pain involved. I'm not a pain person persay but I can get off on a sharp pinch or hard bite at the right moment. These sorts of painful stimuli if applied appropriatley will send me into orbit and having me spouting off things that make a sailor blush,anal however doesn't seem to do anything but hurt.

As for the hubby's reaction, well he and I did sit down and hash it out. For him it was one of those sexual "ultimates" having me on all fours in front of him while he was buried to the hilt in the one spot I'd never willingly offered up; and he fully admits that he let the situation take him over the edge. I'd been okay- tho not exactly responsive- up until the moment he started drilling away on my ass the way he does during vaginal sex. If it'd been anything but anal I'd have cum on the spot. It was hard for him to understand that although that type of intense sexual pounding was generally enough to bring me off this time it was making me scream in the wrong kind of way.
Pretty much we agreed that we'd just add it to the list of " doesn't work for us" techniques since we'd exhausted virtually every method we knew of and NONE of them were pleasureable to me.
He can't talk dirty and I can't take it up the ass...it's not the end of the world.

Not everything's meant to be gotten over under or around, worked through or past.

People's minds bodies and experiences are just different and not every limitation is a problem to be solved.

I love strapping it on and giving it, believe me, but if I'm with a person who can't go there, c'est la vie.

I feel I have to comment here too.*g* I personally love anal as does my partner, I know I am a submissive personality so the idea of giving up that last orifice is not at all hard for me. By definition of being submissive there is that intimate knowledge of each other that maybe isnt there in other type relationships (i dont know for sure, i may be wrong) with that intimacy there is comfort from my partner during the let down that comes aftward.

Mstrskey-

I'm glad to hear that you and your husband discussed the issue and came to an understanding that works for you. That's what is really important. You're absolutely right that it's not the end of the world, or a bad sign in any way, to have a list of things that, as you say, "Just don't work." I hope the two of you find other things that you both enjoy that send you over the edge!

i used to be hardcore intrested in anal sex and i still am turned on by stories and images and such but i had a bad expierence with it. My partner did not want it but i was being persistant. So one morning he's like... sure whatever... and so i wound up doing all the dork becasue he was so disintrested in it... and at one point i was in pain becasue of a position and he didn't even bother to help me... to top it off, while i had cleaned i managed to not get the higher up enough.. and well there was a smear... luckley he had a condom on but he freaked the hell out and yelled at me...

I have never been intrested in persuing it since.

Netzach said:

Not everything's meant to be gotten over under or around, worked through or past.

People's minds bodies and experiences are just different and not every limitation is a problem to be solved.

I love strapping it on and giving it, believe me, but if I'm with a person who can't go there, c'est la vie.

Click to expand...

Point taken Netzach, but in 2 of the three cases I mentioned at the beginning I'm talking about women who want, crave, and ask for this but then can't handle it after
Simply telling them "I just won't do that with you anymore" is going to lead to a whole other set of issues.

Anal sex and Mstrskey

It sounds like you had a bad experience and you're turned off because of it. I guess he went too fast too quick or something, hehe, perhaps he had never taken it himself so he didn't quite know exactly what he was doing. You can't know, really, until you've experimented with it yourself, at least on a masturbation basis.

Yeah, if you go too fast, it's horrible, the worst pain you can possibly imagine, and it doesn't go away that quick, either.

But what you might not realize is the biology behind it, why it hurts that much and how to make it stop. There are two layers of muscle that control your anus, one inner, one outer. You have control over the outer one and some limited control over the inner - but mostly it responds to stimulus. You have to "teach" it how to react to an invader. I recommend masturbation, exploring it yourself until you know how to deal with it. Gradual use of different-sized dildos will stretch you some, plus train your rear how to accept and even enjoy what you're doing to it.

But that's not all there is to it. Some people just don't like being played with 'back there'. Some people love it and can't survive without it. It's a very individual thing.