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Byron In Exile said:
Yes! Yes LT - do him!
Litsters In History.
- Thread starter breakwall
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Yes! Yes LT - do him!
RobDownSouth
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PP_Man: Queen Elizabeth's Boudoir 1948
Grotty Bottom Pub, London - Present day
"Oh Norman, I can't believe it...we're actually in an authentic British pub!" said the portly American lady tourist.
"Won't the folks back in Iowa be impressed? This place must be at least ninety years old, Maude!" said her husband. "Let's order a pint of that dark looking stuff and I'll attempt to chat up one of the locals".
The American couple found two curiously empty seats in the crowded pub, next to a rather disheveled man. "Hello, uhh...mate, are these seats taken?" Norman asked. The man next to the empty seats looked up from his drink, eyes focusing on the couple unsteadily. "Have at it, you two...sit right down here. I can use the company." the man said thickly. The couple smiled and sat down, relieved at finding seats so easily in the crowded smoky pub. "Whew! This man could use an ath-Bay" whispered Maude to her husband. "Wot's that ye say?" said the shaky pub local. "Oh nothing" replied Norman, too quickly. "My wife was just commenting on how crowded it was in here....oh my gosh..." Norman stared at the man, his mouth agape. "Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Prince Charles?"
"Only every day of me bloody life!" spat the inebriated Brit. "But does it ever occur to anyone anywhere that perhaps...just perhaps mind you...that it might be the other way around? That His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales looks like ME? Aye, and there's a reason for that, mate!"
"Here we go again" murmured the bartender behind the bar.
"Enough o' that" said the pub patron, his eyes flashing angrily at the barkeep. "Tell you what, my newfound friends from America, do me the honor of buying me a pint of Guinness and I'll tell you the whole sordid story."
Norman looked inquiringly at Maude, who nodded ever so slightly. Norman signaled the barkeep, who sighed and drew a tankard of Guinness for the jug-eared Brit.
"It was late in 1947, it woz" began the drunken UK man, "I'd missed out on World War II by just a few years. I joined the Royal Navy, innocent that I was, beguiled by promises of rum, sodomy and the lash. All lies, of course, 'ceptin' the bit about the rum." He chuckled to himself. "Anyway, you'll recall at the time that our own Princess Elizabeth, who's now of course our Queen, God save her and all that, had just married Prince Phillip of Greece. Well, turns out that wasn't too smart a move, marrying a Greek, that is. You know about the peculiar preferences of Greeks in the bedroom..." the British man arched an inquistive eyebrow at the American couple.
Maude turned pale, but Norman just chuckled and urged the sodden man on.
"Yes, well, that presented a bit of a problem for the Palace...ye see, once they'd broken him of his buggery habits, well, it turns out poor Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh, blah blah blah...well, how to say this...he was "shooting blanks", know what I mean? This is the makings of a bloody catastrophe here in England, line of succession an' all that."
"So the next thing I know" the intoxicated man continued to the mesmerized American couple "I'm in a lineup with three other sailors. The only thing we gots in common is we all look more than a bit like Prince Phillip...me more'n any of 'em due to me ears" He reddened slightly. "They ordered us to drop trousers, and gave me an inspection the likes of which I've never forgotten." He shuddered at the memory. "I was the only one who not be poxed, so I was given a Most Secret clearance and told to standby for very special duty".
"Twas Valentine's Day in 1948...you Yank's celebrate Valentine's day, right?" the drunk inquired. Norman and Maude both nodded their heads. "Well, I was led to Buckingham Palace, and escorted to a very dark chamber in the east wing. Blacker than the Devil's arse, I tell ye. 'Go in there and do what a man does' they says. Well, I'm a man, and I'm proud to say I did".
"Nine months to the day later...November 14, 1948, Princess Elizabeth gives birth to a strapping baby boy. I wants to go see him, but of course they won't let me...I never do get to see my boy..." the British man's eyes tear up. "Years later, I get this in the post.." He whips out his wallet, removing a worn picture of Prince Charles. He flips the picture over. An inscription reads "Father, I love you. Charles".
Norman and Maude stared goggle eyed at the picture. The bartender rolls his eyes. The inebriated brit starts crying softly to himself, his head in his hand. After a few minutes, the sobbing sounds were replaced by gentle snoring, the British man fast asleep with his head on the bar.
"That was the most amazing story I've ever heard!" exclaimed Maude to Norman. "Ahhhh, don't believe a word of it" said the barkeep. "That old sot has been telling that story for nigh on forty years now. Bloody libel if you ask me!"
"What's the fellow's name?" said Norman.
"Don't know that I ever heard his name" said the barkeep. "He's been called 'Prince Phillip's man' for as long I've been working here, with that story and all. It's quite the mouthful, though, so we usually abbreviate it to 'pp_man'".
Grotty Bottom Pub, London - Present day
"Oh Norman, I can't believe it...we're actually in an authentic British pub!" said the portly American lady tourist.
"Won't the folks back in Iowa be impressed? This place must be at least ninety years old, Maude!" said her husband. "Let's order a pint of that dark looking stuff and I'll attempt to chat up one of the locals".
The American couple found two curiously empty seats in the crowded pub, next to a rather disheveled man. "Hello, uhh...mate, are these seats taken?" Norman asked. The man next to the empty seats looked up from his drink, eyes focusing on the couple unsteadily. "Have at it, you two...sit right down here. I can use the company." the man said thickly. The couple smiled and sat down, relieved at finding seats so easily in the crowded smoky pub. "Whew! This man could use an ath-Bay" whispered Maude to her husband. "Wot's that ye say?" said the shaky pub local. "Oh nothing" replied Norman, too quickly. "My wife was just commenting on how crowded it was in here....oh my gosh..." Norman stared at the man, his mouth agape. "Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Prince Charles?"
"Only every day of me bloody life!" spat the inebriated Brit. "But does it ever occur to anyone anywhere that perhaps...just perhaps mind you...that it might be the other way around? That His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales looks like ME? Aye, and there's a reason for that, mate!"
"Here we go again" murmured the bartender behind the bar.
"Enough o' that" said the pub patron, his eyes flashing angrily at the barkeep. "Tell you what, my newfound friends from America, do me the honor of buying me a pint of Guinness and I'll tell you the whole sordid story."
Norman looked inquiringly at Maude, who nodded ever so slightly. Norman signaled the barkeep, who sighed and drew a tankard of Guinness for the jug-eared Brit.
"It was late in 1947, it woz" began the drunken UK man, "I'd missed out on World War II by just a few years. I joined the Royal Navy, innocent that I was, beguiled by promises of rum, sodomy and the lash. All lies, of course, 'ceptin' the bit about the rum." He chuckled to himself. "Anyway, you'll recall at the time that our own Princess Elizabeth, who's now of course our Queen, God save her and all that, had just married Prince Phillip of Greece. Well, turns out that wasn't too smart a move, marrying a Greek, that is. You know about the peculiar preferences of Greeks in the bedroom..." the British man arched an inquistive eyebrow at the American couple.
Maude turned pale, but Norman just chuckled and urged the sodden man on.
"Yes, well, that presented a bit of a problem for the Palace...ye see, once they'd broken him of his buggery habits, well, it turns out poor Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh, blah blah blah...well, how to say this...he was "shooting blanks", know what I mean? This is the makings of a bloody catastrophe here in England, line of succession an' all that."
"So the next thing I know" the intoxicated man continued to the mesmerized American couple "I'm in a lineup with three other sailors. The only thing we gots in common is we all look more than a bit like Prince Phillip...me more'n any of 'em due to me ears" He reddened slightly. "They ordered us to drop trousers, and gave me an inspection the likes of which I've never forgotten." He shuddered at the memory. "I was the only one who not be poxed, so I was given a Most Secret clearance and told to standby for very special duty".
"Twas Valentine's Day in 1948...you Yank's celebrate Valentine's day, right?" the drunk inquired. Norman and Maude both nodded their heads. "Well, I was led to Buckingham Palace, and escorted to a very dark chamber in the east wing. Blacker than the Devil's arse, I tell ye. 'Go in there and do what a man does' they says. Well, I'm a man, and I'm proud to say I did".
"Nine months to the day later...November 14, 1948, Princess Elizabeth gives birth to a strapping baby boy. I wants to go see him, but of course they won't let me...I never do get to see my boy..." the British man's eyes tear up. "Years later, I get this in the post.." He whips out his wallet, removing a worn picture of Prince Charles. He flips the picture over. An inscription reads "Father, I love you. Charles".
Norman and Maude stared goggle eyed at the picture. The bartender rolls his eyes. The inebriated brit starts crying softly to himself, his head in his hand. After a few minutes, the sobbing sounds were replaced by gentle snoring, the British man fast asleep with his head on the bar.
"That was the most amazing story I've ever heard!" exclaimed Maude to Norman. "Ahhhh, don't believe a word of it" said the barkeep. "That old sot has been telling that story for nigh on forty years now. Bloody libel if you ask me!"
"What's the fellow's name?" said Norman.
"Don't know that I ever heard his name" said the barkeep. "He's been called 'Prince Phillip's man' for as long I've been working here, with that story and all. It's quite the mouthful, though, so we usually abbreviate it to 'pp_man'".
DreamWeaver
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LOLRobDownSouth said:
Great story RDS
Bravo Bravo
PinkOrchid
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~bump~ cuz I want more.
RobDownSouth
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I realize nobody wants to hear about the labor, they just want to see the baby, but it's been interesting cranking these little vignettes out. Once I get a germ of an idea I can generally knock out a story in about ten minutes, the difficult part is getting the right idea..preferably one thats not derivative.
I think I've run the creative well dry for a while, although having said that, I was at a high school banquet last night when the ppman idea hit me. I got out a business card and jotted down "ppman" "prince charles" "pub" and "photo" and couldn't wait to get home to type it up..those are the fun ones.
I've got quite a discard pile now of stories that just don't make the grade. I've spent the day frustrated with a Peachykeen story...having her invent the battery powered vibrator and serving as the model for Jerry Lee Lewis' "whole lotta shakin going on" but I can't get it to work (anyone else wants to take a crack at it, be my guest).
Got another half-thought-out idea for Unclebill at the signing of the Declaration of Independence, but that's still in its infancy.
Try as I might, I can't come up with a plausible scenario for LT anywhere in history.
I think I've run the creative well dry for a while, although having said that, I was at a high school banquet last night when the ppman idea hit me. I got out a business card and jotted down "ppman" "prince charles" "pub" and "photo" and couldn't wait to get home to type it up..those are the fun ones.
I've got quite a discard pile now of stories that just don't make the grade. I've spent the day frustrated with a Peachykeen story...having her invent the battery powered vibrator and serving as the model for Jerry Lee Lewis' "whole lotta shakin going on" but I can't get it to work (anyone else wants to take a crack at it, be my guest).
Got another half-thought-out idea for Unclebill at the signing of the Declaration of Independence, but that's still in its infancy.
Try as I might, I can't come up with a plausible scenario for LT anywhere in history.
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I'm prepared to wait - take your time - anticipation is half the fun.
I'm in awe of our talent - I must say.
I'm in awe of our talent - I must say.
busybody..
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Rob
These are really fantastic.
Thx to you and Breakwall, this is by far the most anticipated thread on LIT.
I printed the one you wrote for me, and have framed it on my office wall
Maybe you can make me a hero next time
These are really fantastic.
Thx to you and Breakwall, this is by far the most anticipated thread on LIT.
I printed the one you wrote for me, and have framed it on my office wall
Maybe you can make me a hero next time
RobDownSouth
No Kings
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- Apr 13, 2002
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- 77,756
Unclebill: Philadelphia Pennsylvania July 2, 1776
In Congress assembled....
Thomas Jefferson faced the assembled group and addressed them. "Mr. Madison, and our other esteemed guests, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with this draft." Jefferson turned to James Madison. "I am very proud of this "Declaration of Independence" and proposed constitution. It accomplishes many of things we wanted to accomplish here....it abolishes slavery, gives women the right to vote and legalizes gay marriage".
"Extraordinary work, Mr. Jefferson!" smiled Madison. "I would now open the floor for comment...yes, Mr. Unclebill?"
"I have a number of comments and suggestions. First of all, this phrase "All people are created equal". I'm certainly more than the equal of any Negro or Indian man or woman alive, and I resent the implication that they are somehow on par with me. I'd like to propose that the phrase be changed to "All white men are created equal".
After a brief caucus, the group mollified Unclebill with a compromise. "All people are created equal" became "All men are created equal".
Unclebill stood up again. "This proposal to give women the right to vote is inherently flawed!" he exclaimed. Waving a book and frothing at the mouth slightly, he continued "I have here in my hand a dictionary! It traces the origin of the word 'vote' back to the ancient Greek solons! It specifically says that voting was a right according to Greek men...MEN, I say..MEN! NOWHERE does it confer upon the fairer sex the right to vote!"
After much heated debate, Unclebill's vision prevailed.
"Very well." said a tight-lipped Jefferson, who saw his life's work slipping away. "Well, if there are no other objections..."
"Just a few more remarks" said Unclebill, quickly. "Do we really want to codify gay marriages? Think about it, good people! We need population, lots and lots of people to grow this country. You're not going to have that done without good old fashioned procreation, something we are not going to get if we legalize sodomy!"
Madison began to grind his teeth as he saw a few heads nod. "Very well, we'll strike that as well...now then, lets proceed to a floor vote..."
"One last note" interrupted Unclebill. Jefferson clenched his fist. "Do we really want to abolish slavery? Is this the original intent of this document that our founding fathers laid out so long ago?"
"Ahem, Mr. Unclebill, we ARE the founding fathers, and 'so long ago' was but two weeks ago!" snapped an irritated Jefferson.
"Nonetheless!" Unclebill recovered quickly. "We're talking of establishing a first class nation with first class rights and privelidges...for that to occur, by definition, we shall require a second class populace so that first class citizens such as ourselves might be reminded on a daily basis of the liberties we cherish! By disenfranchising the poor and colored, we actually make this nation greater!"
Reaching a fevered pitch seldom seen outside of revivalist churches, Unclebill concluded "The more restrictions and limitations we build into this constitution today, the more our descendants will thank us for this ten...fifty...two HUNDRED years in the future!"
Madison groaned. The convention was a shambles. "....ahhh, Mr. Unclebill, refresh my memory? What colony do you represent here at these proceeding?" Madison made a mental note to never visit a hotbed of intolerance that would send such a creature to Congress.
Unclebill looked down at the floor and was suddenly evasive. "Why...err, Liberteria! Yes, Liberteria....it's a small colony out on the western frontier. Very far away, yes, yes very far. But lots and lots of people though...hundreds..no, THOUSANDS of Libertarians!"
In Congress assembled....
Thomas Jefferson faced the assembled group and addressed them. "Mr. Madison, and our other esteemed guests, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with this draft." Jefferson turned to James Madison. "I am very proud of this "Declaration of Independence" and proposed constitution. It accomplishes many of things we wanted to accomplish here....it abolishes slavery, gives women the right to vote and legalizes gay marriage".
"Extraordinary work, Mr. Jefferson!" smiled Madison. "I would now open the floor for comment...yes, Mr. Unclebill?"
"I have a number of comments and suggestions. First of all, this phrase "All people are created equal". I'm certainly more than the equal of any Negro or Indian man or woman alive, and I resent the implication that they are somehow on par with me. I'd like to propose that the phrase be changed to "All white men are created equal".
After a brief caucus, the group mollified Unclebill with a compromise. "All people are created equal" became "All men are created equal".
Unclebill stood up again. "This proposal to give women the right to vote is inherently flawed!" he exclaimed. Waving a book and frothing at the mouth slightly, he continued "I have here in my hand a dictionary! It traces the origin of the word 'vote' back to the ancient Greek solons! It specifically says that voting was a right according to Greek men...MEN, I say..MEN! NOWHERE does it confer upon the fairer sex the right to vote!"
After much heated debate, Unclebill's vision prevailed.
"Very well." said a tight-lipped Jefferson, who saw his life's work slipping away. "Well, if there are no other objections..."
"Just a few more remarks" said Unclebill, quickly. "Do we really want to codify gay marriages? Think about it, good people! We need population, lots and lots of people to grow this country. You're not going to have that done without good old fashioned procreation, something we are not going to get if we legalize sodomy!"
Madison began to grind his teeth as he saw a few heads nod. "Very well, we'll strike that as well...now then, lets proceed to a floor vote..."
"One last note" interrupted Unclebill. Jefferson clenched his fist. "Do we really want to abolish slavery? Is this the original intent of this document that our founding fathers laid out so long ago?"
"Ahem, Mr. Unclebill, we ARE the founding fathers, and 'so long ago' was but two weeks ago!" snapped an irritated Jefferson.
"Nonetheless!" Unclebill recovered quickly. "We're talking of establishing a first class nation with first class rights and privelidges...for that to occur, by definition, we shall require a second class populace so that first class citizens such as ourselves might be reminded on a daily basis of the liberties we cherish! By disenfranchising the poor and colored, we actually make this nation greater!"
Reaching a fevered pitch seldom seen outside of revivalist churches, Unclebill concluded "The more restrictions and limitations we build into this constitution today, the more our descendants will thank us for this ten...fifty...two HUNDRED years in the future!"
Madison groaned. The convention was a shambles. "....ahhh, Mr. Unclebill, refresh my memory? What colony do you represent here at these proceeding?" Madison made a mental note to never visit a hotbed of intolerance that would send such a creature to Congress.
Unclebill looked down at the floor and was suddenly evasive. "Why...err, Liberteria! Yes, Liberteria....it's a small colony out on the western frontier. Very far away, yes, yes very far. But lots and lots of people though...hundreds..no, THOUSANDS of Libertarians!"
Le Jacquelope
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*comes back a few mins after reading that one about Unclebill*
*checks geiger counter*
Fuck, this place is going to glow in the dark for years....
I'm too lazy to look back, has anyone done one of Ishmael and the crusades?
*checks geiger counter*
Fuck, this place is going to glow in the dark for years....
I'm too lazy to look back, has anyone done one of Ishmael and the crusades?
badasschick
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Hee hee!
Le Jacquelope
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Thankfully, I defy definition, although I did not know I was that good at itRobDownSouth said:
I now have two people in the universe I'd rather not have on my six.. you and Asiasiren.......
busybody..
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How bout LT as
Quasi-Modo
ringing that damn bell
to get attention
and everybody telling him
to
STFU!
Quasi-Modo
ringing that damn bell
to get attention
and everybody telling him
to
STFU!
busybody..
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RobDownSouth
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BlueDaisy and Jenny Oman Hill: The Summer of Love, 1967
Blue Daisy whispered "All my bags are packed"
Jenny Oman Hill replied in a soft voice "I'm ready to go" and giggled
To the prostate form on the bed, Blue Daisy announced "I'm standin' here outside your door" . She really wasn't but she knew their client John Denver couldn't see a damn thing without his glasses.
Blue Daisy continued " I hate to wake you up to say goodbye " . God, she was getting so good at faking sincerity.
John Denver rolled over to the edge of the bed and squinted " ...the dawn is breakin'? " he asked groggily.
Jenny Oman Hill replied " it's early morn " reassuringly.
Blue Daisy said " The taxi's waitin'... he's blowin' his horn " and glanced at her watch.
John Denver had what Jenny thought was the perfect puppy dog look on his face. "Already I'm so lonesome I could die!" he pouted.
Blue Daisy shot a look at Jenny Oman Hill... "Artists!" she mouthed silently and rolled her eyes.
They began their polished exit litany, the one the escort service said would guarantee a return engagement.
"So kiss me" said Blue Daisy " and smile for me" said Jenny Oman Hill.
"Tell me that you'll wait for me" Denver implored, struggling into his underpants at the edge of the bed.
"Hold me like you'll never let me go" God John was a whiny one, thought Jenny.
"I'm leavin' on a jet plane" began Blue Daisy, thinking that the escort service's Learjet was the ONLY way to fly.
"Don't know when I'll be back again" cautioned Jenny Oman Hill. The escort service's contract with Warner Brothers records was up for renewal at the end of the month.
"Oh babe, I hate to go" said Blue Daisy, her face the very picture of sincerity. But she knew that she and her partner were due at a party for Black Sabbath's new album release in New York later on today.
"Maybe I'll write a song about you two!" said John Denver. "You do that, baby" replied Blue Daisy, as she kissed the singer on the cheek. "You do that."
Blue Daisy whispered "All my bags are packed"
Jenny Oman Hill replied in a soft voice "I'm ready to go" and giggled
To the prostate form on the bed, Blue Daisy announced "I'm standin' here outside your door" . She really wasn't but she knew their client John Denver couldn't see a damn thing without his glasses.
Blue Daisy continued " I hate to wake you up to say goodbye " . God, she was getting so good at faking sincerity.
John Denver rolled over to the edge of the bed and squinted " ...the dawn is breakin'? " he asked groggily.
Jenny Oman Hill replied " it's early morn " reassuringly.
Blue Daisy said " The taxi's waitin'... he's blowin' his horn " and glanced at her watch.
John Denver had what Jenny thought was the perfect puppy dog look on his face. "Already I'm so lonesome I could die!" he pouted.
Blue Daisy shot a look at Jenny Oman Hill... "Artists!" she mouthed silently and rolled her eyes.
They began their polished exit litany, the one the escort service said would guarantee a return engagement.
"So kiss me" said Blue Daisy " and smile for me" said Jenny Oman Hill.
"Tell me that you'll wait for me" Denver implored, struggling into his underpants at the edge of the bed.
"Hold me like you'll never let me go" God John was a whiny one, thought Jenny.
"I'm leavin' on a jet plane" began Blue Daisy, thinking that the escort service's Learjet was the ONLY way to fly.
"Don't know when I'll be back again" cautioned Jenny Oman Hill. The escort service's contract with Warner Brothers records was up for renewal at the end of the month.
"Oh babe, I hate to go" said Blue Daisy, her face the very picture of sincerity. But she knew that she and her partner were due at a party for Black Sabbath's new album release in New York later on today.
"Maybe I'll write a song about you two!" said John Denver. "You do that, baby" replied Blue Daisy, as she kissed the singer on the cheek. "You do that."
G
Guest
Guest
Oh you're priceless.
I really think there should be a "Sticky forum" where classic threads like this one and HeavyStick's Monty Python can be preserved.
I really think there should be a "Sticky forum" where classic threads like this one and HeavyStick's Monty Python can be preserved.
DreamWeaver
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Bumping cause this page doesn't need to be on pg 3
It needs to stay on pg 1
It needs to stay on pg 1
Silverluna
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RobDownSouth said:Somebody relate something embarassing about Silverluna so I can do a story about her!
*gasp*
Surely I have a few skeletons running around here....
Le Jacquelope
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Actually it sounds more like Rob planted YOU in that role
Not that it is saying much but BB I have more friends here than you.
DreamWeaver
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Silverluna said:*gasp*
Surely I have a few skeletons running around here....
Hows this??
Silverluna said:I'm not a rabbit....I'm a Luna...we don't have litters....
I lay eggs inside your tummy...and wait for them to "hatch"
Silverluna said:
Last edited:
Silverluna
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DreamWeaver said:
RAWR!!!!
Don't make me bleed acid on you!
http://darkstar-sifi.co.uk/images/aliens_kits/s030.jpg
Last edited:
SanDguy_22
Evil Genius In Disguise
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well...
I could take up the role of Ahab....
that is unless spinaroonie has dibs on it.
I could take up the role of Ahab....
that is unless spinaroonie has dibs on it.
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