New Poetry Recommendations

Wednesday's Review

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It's been a totally crazy Wednesday. Finally able to plunge into these 34 new poems. In light of this number and the late hour, I'll limit myself to those I think are worthy of your attention.


Curiouswife has quite a good piece out in The Sweetest Boy I Ever Feared. This can be read on so many different levels, from the innocent wants of a youngster relating to a Mother figure to an inexperienced young man wanting to gain experience under the guidance of the older woman. Just look at the powerful insight offered in these last few lines:

and I’m not sure how much to give
before my heart lies in his hand
and I watch him
none the wiser
walk away.​

oregon_gal has an instructive piece in To My Darling Muse. Eve left a comment that pretty well nails it; it starts off strong, has a few too many clichés sprinkled in, and the appearance distracts with it being double spaced and not broken into stanzas. Still, while this isn't the lady's strongest work I found that its quality kept my attention on what could be worked on and what I might want to do to make it stronger. But it does take off on a promising note:

With the scent of pine flooding our valley

Your mouth longing for the taste of the fantastic

In the river of new fruit and your lips covering everything

With the musk of ferns and orange spice tea

I was tangled in a web of dead stars until I found you​

As I went through and read further I found lines that were fairly strong and other lines that were weaker and even clichéd. Give it a look and see what you think.


yessirshesaid shares some insights of the recently freed {from parental controls} crowd in The Bar. Once again, Eve has a good comment on this, but I was struck by the humor in the ending as our young poet observes:

I was done before I got here
Next time I won't come
I'll stay warm
Comfortable
Flannel lined pajamas
And a book​

Dale_Arden has a winner in Tunnel. He almost lost me until that third line pulled my attention to sharp focus with a rather unique thought I just had to pursue. The rest of the poem just gets better after this:

A small, insistent animal
with very sharp claws digs
in my brain. Steadily digs.​

Finally, CeriseNoire has her first poetry posting today with 3 pieces. The Gatekeeper is the best of the three with a good opening stanza:

She stands before the gilded door,
a Gorgon in disguise.
A cigarette hangs
From the requisite
apple red lips.
She waves away
those who would enter.​

Still, I would probably take out the requisite; it sounds like something I would write and to me that makes it suspect.

Okay, that's it for this week. Not as many as I'd hoped for. Whatever you do, read, vote, comment ~ it's the least you can do. Above all, comment ~ a fair exchange for the pleasure of reading free poetry.

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Wednesday Reviews

Before I start, please forgive any senseless rambling I do. I'm having a hard time getting rid of a cold, and I'm feeling pretty shaky.

Out of 13 new poems, I thought 4 were worth mentioning:

1. Newbie Hunny_Buns http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=836511&page=submissions
piece The Musician http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=306343 is a great idea, even if it is a little long.

2. SexualBlaze05 http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=524092&page=submissions gave us http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=306341 which has a title that needs some work (I don't like the use of ellipses in poems or their titles), and is a bit too long, but it's a compelling perspective on popular culture.

3. kittyblack http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=729082&page=submissions new piece nononotitle! http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=306363 (which I agree, deserves a title) has some wonderful word play.

4. Saving the best for last, Tristesse2 http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/memberpage.php?uid=236318&page=submissions gave us Seaspring http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=306437 which is exquisitely written. The word choice, the images, the line breaks... it all works so well.

That's all for now, kiddies. Vertical is getting too hard, so I'm going to finish now.

Be sure not miss champagne1982's "Raise My Hand", a witty and thoughtful tribute to the late Kurt Vonnegut. Her poem is adorned with a nice little green "E" too.

I second that, Neo

New Poem Reviews
Saturday...

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Sweet Sweet Kisses by Savannah Skye... pucker up for literary kisses as sweet as..." tupelo honey"

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Addiction by oregon_gal ...reading this poem's title then reading the poem...I thought of the song..." I can't get enough cause I'm addicted to love" I felt oregon_gal's passionate pen in this write.

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have a quality week (~_~)

The Sunday Review

Only four new poems up so far today:

Zzz by Jamison is the only one that has caught my eye

Excerpt:

Lately, my neck hurts
back aches, can't get comfortable
even though I bed in feathers.

I liked reading this poem. Even though its subject is quite ordinary (dare I say, mundane?) there is more than meets the eye here. There is some pleasing imagery here, such as never quite full/on the sweet that coats. It glazes like honey /in oil, but it doesn't sink in.

The symbolism in the poem has been quite well done, the metaphorical sweetness coming full circle with the last stanza.

Good work

vampiredust said:

The Sunday Review

Only four new poems up so far today:

Zzz by Jamison is the only one that has caught my eye

Excerpt:

Lately, my neck hurts
back aches, can't get comfortable
even though I bed in feathers.

I liked reading this poem. Even though its subject is quite ordinary (dare I say, mundane?) there is more than meets the eye here. There is some pleasing imagery here, such as never quite full/on the sweet that coats. It glazes like honey /in oil, but it doesn't sink in.

The symbolism in the poem has been quite well done, the metaphorical sweetness coming full circle with the last stanza.

Good work

Click to expand...

I'll second the recommendation of Jamison's poem. It's an excellent piece of writing--form and function working together so well!

The Tuesday Review

17 new poems up this Tuesday

My picks:

Thaumas has three poems up today: Looking ,Destiny and Our Time

Looking is my pick of the three, with its serene atmosphere and delicate imagery

Catytheghost has two poems up: Hail Freya! and Wheel of the year

Wheel of the year is my pick of the time. It feels more solid than Hail Freya! but could benefit from some more imagery to develop the metaphor in the poem more

Curiouswife gives us In The End, a well crafted eulogy. Solid in both form and content, it delivers.

principessa07 has two poems up: My Secret and Turn the Lights Off

Turn the Lights Off has a nice lyricism to it but both poems suffer from a vague and stale language. This poem, in particular, could be shorter.

darkarabian8701 gives us the succinct You but like some of the poems seen today, suffers from stale language and imagery.

darkerdreamer gives us the Aesop like The Nature of Men. I enjoyed its simple but well developed metaphor and the piece feels solid in every aspect. Good work, dd.

skittles_1m has two poems up: Earth Mother and Claimed

Both pieces have a good rhythm to them but I thought Earth Mother was a bit ott with its pace. Claimed has a nice flow of language that works well. I liked its stripped down style, too.

MistressLynn has four poems up: Accept Me , Fantasy Fuck , Playing With Fire and Freedom

Freedom is my pick of the bunch. All four suffer from a vagueness of language and could benefit from concise imagery. Figurative language would help, too.

Tathagata gives us Lamentations of Mescalito This is quite a sad poem that has some lovely imagery like I

lay and whirl empty thoughts around,
like paper swords and steam vent dragons

Quite a well developed and thought out piece, brimming with emotion.

Finally, Pandoras Desire gives us The Winds Caress

This isn't bad but could benefit from fresher imagery. It is well structured but the language lets it down.

Wednesday, April 18

There are 18 new poems posted today, and a handful of real gems in the group.

Here are my favorites:

yygirl is new to Literotica. She has three poems posted today (she also posted one on the 14th). I really enjoyed reading them all because yygirl writes fluently and coherently, two estimable qualities in poetry, methinks. Of the three, I liked Tired best for its soul-searching tone and the whiffs of regret that permeate it. It also has a nice internal rhyme running through it. yygirl is a talented new poet, and I hope we see more from her. If you have the time, read Coil and In With the New, too. You’ll be glad you did.

White Sound by oregon_gal has some great imagery, although some of the metaphors seem vague and, overall, it tends toward hyperbole, imho. A little editing would make this a very strong poem.

Tristesse2 has two wonderful poems posted today. Tess is a keen observer of nature (human and otherwise), and she writes with great precision. Both Early Snow and Circle are a pleasure to read. I preferred the latter (well, except for that preposition at the end) because it seemed thematically stronger to me, but Early Snow has vivid images that I guarantee you’ll love.

That’s it for my recommendations. You may find other new poems today more to your liking and, if you do, please recommend them.

Peace,
Angeline

Wednesday's Review

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Another Wednesday's upon us and the promise has been made that we might have a hint of Spring this weekend. So let's see what's out there in today's offering of 18 poems that melts my butter or perhaps might interest you.


yygirl, a newbie on Lit's scene has three pieces out today that seem so totally different {to my mind, at least} from her first posting on Saturday (April 14):

Coil looks so simple on the surface:

Until all is unwound,
and lying in a tangle,
like a runover slinky.​

But it seems to me to have much more going for it in what appears to be an interesting metaphorical poem. My favorite of her postings today.

Tired is a more complicated poem, which seems to have more going on that the reader must get his mind to wrap around:

These thoughts, awake,
create an ache,
that passes through my chest
and head.
The things in me not dead.

To sleep and sleep, now I can see,
might not always be despair,
but curiosity.​

In With the New is a subtle low-key erotic poem:

Mentally, I retrace my steps,
backtrack to you.
A tousled head protruding from the sheets.
You are tender, frantic.
I am calm,
eyes flat as the sea.​

An interesting contrast between two people under the sheets.


Curiouswife seems to be writing with a Mother's eyes in The Boy. She shows a Mother's doubts and worries as she writes:

I wonder
will I see you again
or was that the last smile
that graced my day?​

oregon_gal gives us White Sound, an interesting piece that feels like sex and poetry intertwined. Give it a read; just don't let that double spacing distract too much.


Tristesse2 has a pair of treats out today. In view of this Winter that refuses to die, Early Snow just fits right in with its elegant imagery. With Spring not yet solidly here, Circle just doesn't feel to be in place with its theme of end of Summer activities. The only thing that seems to be not quite right {when I took a quick peek this morning before I headed out} is that ending preposition. I now see that Ange has a comment on that. See what ideas you've got.


Now that was an interesting couple hours. I tried to select those I felt to be the best today has to offer. Give them a look and see what you think. And remember, read, vote, comment ~ it's the least you can do. Above all, comment ~ a fair exchange for the pleasure of reading free poetry.

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Thursday, Thursday, Thursday

Greetings and salutations! Welcome to the Thursday New Poem Review, and I’m your host, unapologetic. Sorry if my tone is a little odd, but I’m no longer ill AND semi-well rested to boot. I’m feeling good.

We have 26 new poems. Here are my notes on the four I liked the best:

1. soclosetoyou http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/memberpage.php?uid=683025&page=submissions gave us Lying in Bed http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=307565, her second item posted in as many days. I really like the play on words in this piece.

2. Walking http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=307561 by yygirl http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=837676&page=submissions has amazing images and word choices.

3. While I don’t normally like poems of this style, I Come http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=307480 by ScottishChieftan http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=235095&page=submissions had a great story, and I’m a sucker for stories.

4. Saving the best for last, as I always do, there’s She Who Shapes the Sacred Land http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=307563 by Du Lac http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=445767&page=submissions, which was amazing. I read it aloud, as I do when combing for gems for my reviews, and I found myself going slower and slower to savor the words. The images are strong, but not overstated, and the story was moving. Add to that the explanation, and, well… go read it for yourself and see what I mean.

Catch ya on the flip-side, next Thursday that is.

Thursday 19th April

Here are a couple more from Thursday:

Jazz
by Tristesse2©

That morning she left their apartment
knowing he would be relieved
when he came home and found
the space she had created
in the bathroom cabinet, the cupboards
and the CD rack. He would check
to see if all his belongings remained.
He wouldn’t miss her.

Jazz is a good narrative poem. Another Tristesse poem is Jacqueline Du Pre 1945 –87 that has some fine moments.

Wow! I must have checked too early for Friday's poems. Back in a little while with the reviews for yesterday.

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Giraffe by unapologetic

This is very concisely portrayed. Yes, I had to google 'ungulate'. It's such an ugly word, but it fits well within the simplicity of the poem.
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And...I don't know if I'm having one of those days, but there's nothing else calling out to me with a 'me! me! mention me!' If anyone sees anything that strikes his or her particular fancy, please jump in with it.

Otherwise, have a fantastic rest of the weekend.

New Poem Reviews


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Loving Alone by oregon_gal...alone with ...love <grin

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Crossing the Veilby Catytheghost... food for thought (~_~)

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have a quality week (~_~)

disillusioned with the spinner today, i chose a poem for your consumption instead:





Now Close the Windows
by Robert Frost

Now close the windows and hush all the fields:
...If the trees must, let them silently toss;
No bird is singing now, and if there is,
...Be it my loss.

It will be long ere the marshes resume,
...It will be long ere the earliest bird:
So close the windows and not hear the wind,
...But see all wind-stirred.






i know, i know... it's rhyming poetry! but it's GREAT!

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this review contains some constructive criticism that is intended to help some poets with their writing. there is a limitation on the use of smilies in posts on Literotica and therefore i am unable to include what i would like. my intention is to encourage and help by giving suggestions to poets.


33 new poems up today. let's see what we've got.

Curiouswife gives us Election Day. i liked this poem. i liked the play on 'chipper' and 'tale' and the use of 'fire' words seems consistent through the poem. i found it difficult to read and i think there should be a line break before the word 'when' on the first line. overall, i feel i would have enjoyed the read better, if there were commas in the sentences.

Rhyme Fairy's Tasting Flesh contains lots of alliteration and a little rhyming. it's certainly an apt poem for Literotica. i'm not sure about some of the line breaks here. in my reading i stumble a little around line 12 - it might be because the comma is not necessary...? i like the sounds in the last couple of lines too.

Dale_Arden - A Child, New Out of Limbo. interesting poem. this one i find difficult to critique. it has famous names and they seem to work in well with the poem's words. grammar technicalities are correct, line breaks are good and contain good use of the last word. i understand this poem on a surface level, and almost understand it on the next level down, but realise my lack of knowledge holds me back. i'd be interested to see other people review this poem.

mo_duinne is a new poet with 3 submissions today. Feelings of Sensuality, Voyeurs, Loving Embrace. i like all three of these poems. it's good to see this poet is not afraid of using space and i want to tell her to spread it out more! a couple of these poems seem almost claustrophobic and could do with more space for more impact. i'd try not using the ellipses and although i see you are well equipped with the choice of not using initial line capitals, i'd eliminate them except in correct punctuation. interesting series of formats for your three first poems on Literotica. Welcome.

faye_doubt a new poet to Literotica, publishes Back then today and I LOVE IT! er, sorry about that. but it's a rhyming poem, so you'll have to forgive my slip up here. (faye_doubt i'm not normally a rhyming poem fan)... however, this poem is set out in one prose-type paragraph rather than in stanzas and i'm not sure if this was purposely done or a format mistake by the site. whatever it was, it tricked me, it hooked me in and i read the whole poem. i think all rhyming poetry should be written like this. welcome to Literotica! i certainly hope you enjoy your stay and write more.

Jennifer Green has The Ken Dolls published today, however the PC option is not open.

virgin2267 has two poems for us. Scorpion Male and Moment . both poems have the PC ability turned off, unfortunately.

Danyea11e (i always trip up on typing that nickname), has i 11 poems published on Litland today. oh boy, that's a lot. let's see what she has... i'll let you visit each poem through her submissions page. most of her poems have interesting format use. to improve i'd suggest to this poet to add in more concrete imagery, perhaps to lessen the amount of submissions and concentrate on one or two poems and really give them lots of guts for me to get my mind into. i like rich wording within the walls of these webpages.

wickedxgrl a new poet has Desires of the Night for us but does not have PC ability open.

Praire_Dreamer 's second Litland poem is Remember Me. i quite liked this poem. it read smoothly and the punctuation worked for me. the suggestion i have for improvement would be to try different line breaks. these ones work, but i wonder what it would sound like to have somewhat shorter lines, i.e. break after 'scent', 'grass' etc. is it any better?

beautyandwine submits One Spring Evening i like this poem but would like to know more detail about who owns the two pairs of legs the poet mentions.

loserstyx published Another Roadside Left Revisited. the title intrigued me and so does the poem. i'm left wondering what it was the lyrical subject went back to, note the hole in my general knowledge? or is it that the poem is a little under the mark for necessary detail? i do like line 3. to improve, i'd suggest consistence with the punctuation and line beginning capitals - do you really need them?

5 poems from new poet jonti today. of the five, Show me is a little different. i quite like the repetition, i think the poem might be improved with slightly different formatting - perhaps using italics for the spoken words? welcome to Literotica!

Alice_1 a new poet published Come to me now. It has no ability to leave PCs.

arwenloves published a second poem to Litland today, Always has a spelling error and is inconsistent with punctuation. the rhyming is consistent, however. i think this poem is a good basis and with some editing and unique wording could be a better poem.


Please note that these are my opinions on poems. It is up to you as a reader to form your own. Go read, go comment and keep writing!

April 24, 2007

There are 13 new poems today. Except for a few, I find them to be a rather lackluster group. It’s difficult to write good erotic poems because the same tired cliches tend to be used, and many of today’s poems are examples of that. Of the erotic poems, Hard by Tristesse2 and Untitled: Poem #309 by das_risiko are interesting, rather minimalist offerings, while Kisses by Christabelll is more developed (with some very good imagery) erotica.

The Blue Note -- W 3rd St, also by Tristesse2, is a nimble little riff that pays homage to the post-Prohibition New York City jazz scene. It’s my pick of the day: any time a poem can make you hear music, you know you’re in the hands of a skilled wordsmith.

And since there were so few new poems today, here’s a great golden oldie from the archive. I got it on my first spin: Eve’s Red Shoes, a tribute to the scarlet tootsies of Wicked Eve by that delightfully pervy poet, neonurotic.

I’m only one opinionated poet. If you have recommendations from today’s new submissions, please feel free to offer them here.

Peace,
Angeline

Wednesday's Review

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A light load today, in more ways than one. While only 14 were posted, I found little to get roused over, at least to recommend for your consideration. While I left PC's on most, this is the best I could pull from today's offering.


ishtat has an unusual piece out in Sophias Spouse that mostly seems worth reading out loud to enjoy this word play piece. Just look at this little sample:

And will not know for
all knowing cannot know more
without unknowing know
a former ignorance can​

das_risiko has 6 erotic poems posted today. There are a couple you might want to give a look.

Check out Trophy for the hunter's latest prize; it's introduced after this piece that leads into it:

from the rain forests of the amazon
white tigers of the indian jungle
others as exotic, as dangerous
displayed with pride​

An Irish Tale is a bit lengthy and does risk seeming a bit clichéd in comparing female anatomy to geography. Still, it is done in a much better than average way, compared to the usual Lit fare. Here's a teaser sample:

On to the mountains
He would love to explore
After drinking the fountain
And a feast he adored
To the peak of the hills
O’Malley he climbed
Its land he would steal
Precisely in time​

That's about it for today. Give the others a look and see if one of those I didn't mention might appeal to you. And again, read, vote, comment ~ it's the least you can do. Above all, comment ~ a fair exchange for the pleasure of reading free poetry.

Enjoy the rest of the week — you've made it through Wednesday — it's all downhill from here!

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Thursday (all day, and half the night)

The prolific Curiouswife gave us Like a Thief in the Night. While I thought there were a few too many words in some places, I really liked how the rhyme doesn't feel forced for the most part.

I also liked The end of summer by dragonfeather. The sexual overtones feel odd justaposed with the “feral child,” but it’s got some great images. I especially liked “a stolen cloak/of clouds”.

And, as always, I’ve saved my fave for last:
No matter if he calls it one of his

ZeckBock said:

twisted ideas and sick machinations

Click to expand...

, ZeckBock’s piece Innocent Mouse is definitely worth a read. It reminded me of the poetry that I loved as a child. Although, if I were to get my druthers, it would say "flung" instead of "pulled" in line 18.

(As an aside, now that I’ve figured out how to embed URLs, I feel silly that it never clicked before.)

Catch ya’ on the flip side.

Friday, 2007-04-27

Good morning, poetickers!

Your usual Friday reviewer, the lovely and articulate Ms. duckiesmut, is out of town and unable to contribute her charmingly perspicacious review of today's new poems. Alas for all of you, she asked me to substitute for her. I know, I know. That's something like thinking you've got a date with Cate Blanchett only to discover Karl Rove getting out of the car instead. But that's just the way it is, unfortunately. We aging nearsighted pundits deserve a group hug too.

That being said, there are only three poems so far today, all rhymed efforts from the same poet. None of these are particularly my cup o' tea (which, this morning, happens to be Darjeeling), but they may very well be yours, so go give 'em a read.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if some more show up later today, so I'll check back. I keep hearing rumors that some illustrated poems are pending. Maybe they'll show up today.

Anywhich. Have a nice day, y'all.

Friday, 2007-04-27 (afternoon edition)

You know, I think Lit has some database problems with posting poems. This morning (see my earlier post) there were exactly three new poems. I checked back around 10:30 or so, and yeeiiikes!!—there were sixty (60!) new poems posted, including an astounding thirty-two from a single poet. I just checked again and now there are only about thirty total.

Ah, well. Whether it's sixty or thirty, that's a lot of poems. Forgive me if my eyes are a little crossed and my aesthetic judgment dulled. I read all sixty that were there earlier (they're all actually available, just not linked from the new poems page) and I kinda feel like I've spent an hour reading romance comics, personal diaries, and private mash notes. All of these forms may have their place as writing, but perhaps not as great examples of poetry.

Sigh. Maybe it's the sheer volume of stuff or maybe I'm just kind of muddle-headed today, but out of all that volume, there's almost nothing that grabbed me enough to single out. In fact, there's only one: Turtledove, by ZeckBock, which is a pretty good example of ballad form and which has a nice twist at the end. There are a few grammatical/typographical problems (handling of quotation marks, missing apostrophe on a possessive) but all-in-all it works pretty well, sounding almost Keatsian at times.

But there are a ton—or at least half a ton—of other poems out there today and your taste is almost certainly not congruent with mine. Go browse around a bit and see what you can find.

'Ta.

The Sunday Review: 29/04/2007

12 new poems have graced us today

My picks:

Pray/Prey by darkerdreamer

Excerpt:

At first, I'll admit--
the green seemed a bit flamboyant,
but, people rarely call something by such adjectives
if it has serrated arms.

This poem has, without a doubt, the best opening I've read today: They said you ate a baby That leads to a wonderful homage to an over-sized poet (in the metaphoric sense)

I liked the symbolism of the religious images in the last stanza, that last line packed quite a punch.

Quite a well executed piece. Very neatly done.

0010100 by ZeckBock

Excerpt:

flatscreen father
electric youth
veins, cables,

I liked the imagery in this piece. The images in the first half are contrasted neatly with those in the second half. This piece could be interpreted on several levels, I looked at it being religious in nature. I like it when a poem does that.

A neat piece of poetry

i think the Spinner is rigged. i can't seem to get anything half decent and i'm up to 15 spins. so another gem from my enthralling new book:


A Patch of Old Snow

There's a patch of old snow in a corner
That I should have guessed
Was a blow-away paper the rain
Had brought to rest.

It is speckled with grime as if
Small print overspread it,
The news of a day I've forgotten --
If I ever read it.

Robert Frost


look at those line end words. i wonder if 'if' and 'it' are the most appropriate highest impact words that Frost could have used. if he wrote this poem today, would he change them?


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this review contains some constructive criticism that is intended to help some poets with their writing. there is a limitation on the use of smilies in posts on Literotica and therefore i am unable to include what i would like. my intention is to encourage and help by giving suggestions to poets.


8 new poems today - this sure makes a change.

Let's see what we've got.



Rebel by darthjser . i think this poem feels almost like a prose poem. almost. okay, i'm going a little indepth on this one. i think there is a great poem inside this poem and with a little editing it'll become clearer.

to begin, did you choose to put a capital letter at the beginning of each new line?

i think the poem might read a little easier to turn your individual thoughts into complete sentences, using normal punctuation for sentences. i have not seen the use of ellipses in this manner '... ...'. only three dots for a continued thought unspoken, or four, if at the end of a sentence. these ... ... sidetracked me slightly from the words.

i think in this line:

'Rough skin, chubby legs bring a sneer haunts for life'
include the word 'that' after 'sneer'.

i think line 1 stanza 2, it might have more impact to switch the last two words.

i also think it might be worth filling out this poem a little more. that the poet could add in words that would make the poem sound a little more 'natural' to their normal way of speaking. and then perhaps look at an edit after that. there is so much in this poem that many other poems could be spun off from it.

very interesting and i look forward to reading more of this poet's writing.




Wolf's Prey by turtledove . i like this poem. the rhyme works well. the writing is a little brief for my preference but it works.

to improve i'd suggest looking at the capitals at the beginning of each line, are they necessary to move the poem forward?

i think i'd remove the internal capital letters, or perhaps consider moving the two lines with 'No' down to separate lines for each.

i love 'Lupine answers echo' - excellent imagery. and looking further there is a line in each stanza i like, 'A prey's scent in trace,', 'Trapped in Nature's dance.', 'In dripping maws.' - image strong which is always pleasing to my mind.

i look forward to reading more of your poetry.

A MUST READ! excellent.​

Glass in My Blood by relatively new poet My_Andy. i love the story, love the poetry, love the imagery, love the internal rhyming and alliteration. all excellent.

a couple of minor technicalities that might help to improve this poem. the first line's break doesn't seem quite right. i'd consider perhaps changing the word 'table's' to 'table' and i might include the word 'top' on the first line.

an alternative to 'a vial never fired.' could be 'a vial not yet fired.'
i certainly look forward to reading more of your writing.





Aftermath by Ygraine is a combination submission of two poems. a cleverly written 'story' too. the first a little more wordy for the feminine approach, the second a little more succinct for the masculine approach.

first poem, line 5 i think 'ambre' should be 'amber'.

poem two, second stanza, there is a little inconsistency where some of the 'you' have initial capitals and some don't. i'd suggest choosing one way or the other, the mixture is a little distracting to read.

one other improvement i might suggest would be to somehow gather together the collection of poems that you are submitting that relate to '"The House of Rohke"'. perhaps putting that title above the sub-titles would help keep them together for your theme.

i look forward to reading more of this series. thanks for sharing your poetry.




Netting a first poem by hmmnmm . i like your comment about constructive criticism for your poetry. to learn and improve we need as poets to be openminded and to be willing to try new ideas so that we learn what lights our own fuses, as well as our readers.
this next comment is going to sound mixed, but that's me. lol
i like the brevity in this poem, but would like to see it filled out a little more.
told you, mixed. let's look at the technicalities first.
stanza 5, there is a mixture of initial capitals to each line, and then some with none. i think it's good to be consistent, so the poet needs to choose one way or the other and stick with it through the whole poem.
don't be afraid to use period marks. they're very useful. for now, i'd suggest you think of your poem as a group of sentences, put a period where you normally would at the end of each sentence. having commas but no periods makes for a slight confusion in the reading.

now a suggestion for the filling out...
'Descended net
surrender flag
captive unaware
futile resistance '
this is the first stanza of the poem and when i first read it i was confused. i didn't understand who or what was captive. it would help to set me on the right track early in the poem, rather than leaving me to pick up on the word 'petals' that is near the end of the fifth stanza. brevity is good, but there needs to be good understanding for the reader to help keep them focused through the poem to the end.

the second thing i'd suggest to the poet is that it would be an improvement to choose one metaphor and run with it through the poem. in the second half of the poem i feel there are too many different metaphors and i have therefore got too many images crashing about in my mind, rather than one that flows through the stanzas.

well done on posting up a poem for us. i look forward to reading more of your poetry and also look forward to reading any edits you make of this one. (there are threads you can use in the poetry forum for working through edits with the help of others. there is also the poetry discussion circle for when you have a little distance from your writing. and you can always begin a new thread and ask for advice, thoughts.)





A Muse by RisiaSkye . this poet does not have the comment ability open.




the first of two poems, Simulation by relatively new poet
ZeckBock . great first line! lol got me hooked. and then the last is a killer. interesting poem that i found easy to read and catchy.

i think to improve, i'd suggest branching out a little with your format. maybe use italics for the questions. maybe use indented space for the answers. just something a little different.

the second submission: Imperfect Circle really piques my interest and i'm wondering what on earth it is that's in the soup. and i have a feeling the poet is not going to tell me either.

the format on this one seems pleasing to the eye. the read is smooth and easy thanks to the wording and the technical aspects of punctuation. i found the repetition okay for most of the poem but toward the end it became almost too much. on the second reading i found it more palatable - so that was my inexperience showing through i think.

i think the one thing that might need improvement is that the poet mentions 'ones' (plural) in the first line of each stanza, and then mentions 'boy' (singular). i find this a little hard to reconcile, perhaps because i don't know exactly who/what they are that are coming out into the air. i'm guessing it's something like alphabet soup letters - but aren't sure.

thanks for making me think and i look forward to more of your writing.



Please note that these are my opinions on poems. It is up to you as a reader to form your own. Go read, go comment and keep writing!

May 1, 2007

Tra la, it’s May; the lusty month of May. . .can you all believe it’s May 1st? I am shocked at how the year has whizzed by thus far. And, hey, the temperature may actually creep past 50 degrees Fahrenheit up here on the tundra today. I’ll have some poetry to keep me warm; 11 new poems to be exact and some good offerings among them, although I’ve decided I don’t like the way any of them end and they all need better punctuation. But maybe I’m just tired and grumpy this morning.

Here are my picks:

taikutsuna has an interesting poem, Sable. I’m not really sure what it’s about (the narrator turning into a star?), and it has a singsongy rhythm that cries out for a rewrite, but it also has some very good lines and interesting images.

Dale_Arden gives us Thin, a rather angry poem about bulemia. The anger is the best thing about it (especially in the last line), and it has an interesting teenage, Valley-girlish dialect. It’s unclear in a few places, but it could be a very strong piece with some judicious recasting.

Tristesse2‘s poem E.T.D. (estimated time of departure?) is a narrative about lovers parting. It’s well worth the read with it’s great “beachy” imagery (and that ultimate phallic symbol, the lighthouse) and terrific lines like: her hair modest over one breast/the other begging a hand.

good barber by hmmmmm offers a poetically ambiguous snapshop of a pervier-than-you-think “nice guy” and an exhibitionist hottie who entertains him over a period of years (I think). I really like the way this new poet writes (although I’d like to see more development in this poem). I’m looking forward to reading his first prose poem.

And finally there’s Unwritten, a first poem byjayce1066 (who either was born in 1966 or is really into the Norman Conquest). I can’t figure out if this poem, which purports to be a list of topics that didn’t inspire the poet, is a joke or not, but I found it pretty funny and, potentially, full of ideas that could inspire poems in you, dear reader.

I got very lucky on the spinner this morning. It took me about five tries, but I finally came up with Awakening Thirsts by RazzRajen. Razz is a prolific, talented poet who used to be very active on this forum. If you haven’t heard of him, I highly recommend you explore his poems. He has a gift for writing beautiful, subtle poems that combine erotica and metaphysics (weird, I know, but he makes it work). This poem is a great example of his skill; in fact it received an E . (LeBroz, this is a great poet to consider for the Archival Review!)

If you have poems you’d like to comment on today, please join in. And enjoy May--somewhere I just know a dogwood is blooming.

Wednesday's Review

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Thankfully another light load this humpday — only 9 posted — though not much got my engine running.

templeminded has a delightfully light and innocent fun piece in Little Fishes. Just look at these lines to which I'm sure many women can relate:

I sat down
and enjoyed every bite
Then thought to myself
these pants are getting tight​

vampiredust has a different take on biblical history in Madame Moses. Charlton Heston will never look the same parting the Red Sea after reading this:

She parted the waters
of her body with the tip
of my penis.​

Though penis sounds so clinical {maybe it's a cultural thing}. I'd think cock sounds more fitting.


skittles_lm has three rather down poems posted today:

Words lets you feel what happens when words fail and the house develops a chill.

Embrace is my favorite of the three as it portrays the feeling of dreams dying:

Distant, clinical,
I note that they
were pretty,
like butterflies
nailed to a board,
devoid of life
where once they flew.​

Broken Goddess also comes across as a rather depressing write as old beliefs/gods die off.


That'll do it for today. It's such a light load, you can run through 'em all yourself real quick and see if any rev your engine. And remember, read, vote, comment ~ it's the least you can do. Above all, comment ~ a fair exchange for the pleasure of reading free poetry.

Enjoy ~~ soon the weekend will be here.

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LeBroz said:

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vampiredust has a different take on biblical history in Madame Moses. Charlton Heston will never look the same parting the Red Sea after reading this:

She parted the waters
of her body with the tip
of my penis.​

Though penis sounds so clinical {maybe it's a cultural thing}. I'd think cock sounds more fitting.



...

Click to expand...

i think penis fits well. i like how it picks up the sound of 'parted'.

also great alliteration in 'salt' and 'seabeds' and other 's' sounds sneaking through.

i'd think about the last line though... the word 'giving' seems a little in-my-face (personal feeling) maybe -
God's reply was to give me thunder.
God gave me thunder in reply.
God's thunder was my reply.