"To keep the review thread clean..."

Tmv.......

Obviously, dented. As for being corrected, nah........... it's just a worthless point. Brick walls just can't.




http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y169/whistlemaker/earthlights_dmsp_bigpipe.jpg

3-16

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I am amazed. I have read the new poems for today. I just cannot believe how many GREAT poets we have here at Lit, and they are submitting. Waiting to hear what we think. Just some awesome writing and illustrating going on right now. Each one getting better and better. Maybe I have had too much coffee, or just a lil pumped up for a day off tomorrow, but reading
these gets me so excited. We are going to have an awesome summer ...

I am soooo glad to see ManRay, Remec, and 4 Degrees back.

And Lindiana is just flourishing like nobodys business !!

Go read, comment see ... what I am talking about.

At the risk of ignoring (was it T.S. Eliot's) advice

to never explain a poem, I thought I'd offer a few comments on the poem discussed here.

The Mystery Valiant said:

Thanx for the demeamor, and the editorialism. I corrected the problem. I'm getting a new keyboard as this one has sticking keys. As for your poem being so correct:


The Mirror Unbroken
by SunrockSin ©


Frightening how the plane prismed
into instant schisms of light, reflections
deflected in jagged and bloody edges
the pain wedged deep into torn skin.
Thin shards sliced to bone as the fist
twisted in agony, its blow to the mirrored
chin mired in self-doubt and recrimination,
shunned by anyone professing "true" love.

Above it all somehow, she slyly sifted,
lifting the sparkling, silvered slivers
as if her face had shattered with the blow,
slowly piecing glass into piercing lies.
It was her eyes that hurt the most,
the hostess enduring a pain never inflicted
conflicted by the image she had created
and what she saw in the mirror unbroken.

This is your poem as you wrote it.



The Mirror Unbroken
by SunrockSin ©


Frightening how this plain prisms
into instant schisms of light. Reflections,
deflected in jagged and bloody edges.
The pain wedged deep into torn skin.
Thin shards sliced to bone upon the fist,
twisted in agony. Its blow to the (mirrored???) doesn't even belong. The blow was to the reflection of the woman's chin in the mirror. I didn't want to use reflection again so I called the chin "mirrored" (instead of reflected), letting me follow with "mired" in a bit of near rhyme.

exposed chin, mired in self-doubt and recrimination.
Shunned by (anyone? "all those") professing "true" love.

Above it all somehow, she shyly sifted.
Lifted by the sparkling, silvered slivers.
As if her (face? "heart") had shattered with the blow, "face" here, as if the man hit her face instead of the mirror.

slowly (piecing? "gathering") glass into piercing lies. "piecing" the shards of glass (as in puzzle pieces) into her lies

It was ("looking into") her (eyes???) that hurt the most. "eyes" here, actually the look in her eyes is what hurt... but just "eyes" I thought worked a bit better.

(the? "A") hostess enduring a pain never inflicted. "the" here, the hostess is a specific person: the woman who pieced the shards into lies.


Conflicted by the image she had created,
and what she saw in the mirror (unbroken. Every item and thought, image is crushed under the weight of some violence, and yet the mirror remains whole?)

the mirror did not remain whole, the woman, after piecing her lies together is conflicted by two images, the one she created (of the shards) and the image she saw before the mirror was shattered. Her view would have been of the man before he struck the mirror.


So forgive my impertinence. But this poem shouted to be revised. It bore such dull and uneventful, confusing images. And such atrocious punctuation! I can't see this as a promise. More of a deflated gift. Yes..., I know what will happen! But there is so much of this going on. And then you have those challenging my punctuation and then leaving things like this, on the altar. I'm ready............

Click to expand...

Considering the revisions recommended by Valiant, I think I'll leave the poem as it is for the time being at least. I do appreciate the deeper look into the poem, it helped me better understand another comment that was posted on the poem.

Thank you vampiredust for recommending the poem and thank you Rainman for the deeper look into the puncutation, spelling and overall poem.


s.

sugarmountain said:

I'd like to thank vampiredust and Mystery Valiant for reading and commenting on Strawberry Season.
I'd like to make one small comment on this slagging match going on due to his comments. How many times have I heard poets at Lit slam somebody for leaving anonymous negative comments.....too many to count.
I seem to see a lot of smug sanctimoniuos hypocrisy going on here. I don't care for the hypocrisy.
At least Mystery had the courage to do it out in the open, and is willing to take the heat.
I see a lot of comments applauding people for poems, without saying why, but you don't see this kind of brouhaha over that.

C'mon people, how about a little consistency here. If you're going to set boundaries, at least play within them.

(once again climbs down from handy-dandy portable soapbox and exits, stage left)

Click to expand...

Twas no slugging match, don't mistake it. I've seen much worse. This was all out in the open. Without name calling. They way it should be.
I applaud everyone who jumped in.

Hypocrisy is when you accuse someone of something and look the other way and grin when your side does it.

And really there should be NO sides. It is either good or it isn't. Discussion is the only way to hammer that out.

Well said, sir.

And thank you for commenting on my poem, Vampiredust, Rainman, Annaswirls, Rhymefairy and Tzara.

I've started a new blog charting the progress of Black Magma, my upcoming journal

you can find it here

MyNecroticSnail said:

...
This whole thread seams lame and dull, although tell-tial-trail thinks it's lamé

Click to expand...

so, when you have time, continue adding the shimmer to the silk. if you can do it without dissing people personally, it might be more entertaining. though it takes skill probably beyond my reach, i'll try and do something similar. who knows, it may work well.

wildsweetone said:

so, when you have time, continue adding the shimmer to the silk. if you can do it without dissing people personally, it might be more entertaining. though it takes skill probably beyond my reach, i'll try and do something similar. who knows, it may work well.

Click to expand...

Well sweetums, I diss what deserves it. I've done nothing that hasn't been done by the dissee.

MyNecroticSnail said:

Well sweetums, I diss what deserves it. I've done nothing that hasn't been done by the dissee.

Click to expand...

i meant the 'you' generally and probably should have used my brains and left it out altogether. my apologies.


can we not make this thread useful, interesting and fun for those of us who need the help? i intended it to be useful but didn't think to try making it fun using puns. would you be willing to share some time and some of your good skills here?

3-17

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LeBroz said:

.
Thanks WSO for putting up this thread. While most {I hope} know the basics, it is depressing at times to see talented writers making so many fundamental mistakes. I'm sure most never even look at the Writer's Resources. Your thread provides a valuable service, especially for the new writers that keep arriving here with so much to learn {or relearn}. And perhaps some will eventually look over some of the very informative pieces in the Resource center.

I saw Angeline's comment about 'lose' and 'loose' and I can relate. I would add 'loss' to the mix. It's easy to see how this confusion can arise. Just look at the 'oo' sound that is in 'moon' or 'noon' and without thinking {or looking in the dictionary}, carry this reasoning over to mispronouncing 'loose' this way.

It's too easy to dismiss writers' problems with usage or spelling by telling them to check out the Writer's Resources, or Strunk and White, or even a dictionary. Some need a mnemonic to learn a lesson, such as:

That girl's so loose she'll lose her virginity. She slapped her boyfriend when he said, "No big loss."

But all the mnemonics in the world won't solve the problem of incorrect usage/spelling unless the reader and writer work to understand the points being made.
.

Click to expand...

Let's take a slightly different view of this, especially this part:
"Your thread provides a valuable service, especially for the new writers that keep arriving here with so much to learn {or relearn}."
I would hope that if someone wants to write an attempt would be made to learn how before they try it. Or if they try and a correction is made they don't fly into a rage because their sense of entitlement is threatened. Everyone makes mistakes, learning to accept corrections is more important to growth than any number of dumbed down threads.
I also would hope that the new writers that really want to learn, attempt to learn from those that are successful at the pratice of poetics. Read: Angeline, annaswirls, The Rainman, as examples, NOT from the H-parade that was set up.
Maybe this does not belong in this thread, but as other threads were interrupted with by the pushing of a way of thinking (or rather non-thinking), often in a nasty personal manner. I respond in kind.

vampiredust said:

Look out for this poet:

flyte

Click to expand...

A big second here. I especially enjoyed this one, about his/her travels through Angola.

Among today's new poems are several by a brand new poet, brutal_romance, who shows lots of promise (in my opinion). Check out a couple! Riddled by Revenge I particularly liked. From the first stanza:

Also highly recommend raygb37's Back to Tangiers. Definitely, in my opinion, the best poem of the day.

And that's it for me today.

MyNecroticSnail said:

Let's take a slightly different view of this, especially this part:
"Your thread provides a valuable service, especially for the new writers that keep arriving here with so much to learn {or relearn}."
I would hope that if someone wants to write an attempt would be made to learn how before they try it. Or if they try and a correction is made they don't fly into a rage because their sense of entitlement is threatened. Everyone makes mistakes, learning to accept corrections is more important to growth than any number of dumbed down threads.
I also would hope that the new writers that really want to learn, attempt to learn from those that are successful at the pratice of poetics. Read: Angeline, annaswirls, The Rainman, as examples, NOT from the H-parade that was set up.
Maybe this does not belong in this thread, but as other threads were interrupted with by the pushing of a way of thinking (or rather non-thinking), often in a nasty personal manner. I respond in kind.

Click to expand...

If I told you that your arse is a star and that you're destined for greatness, would you ride your ass to the moon just so that you could be a little closer to Uranus?

MyNecroticSnail said:

Let's take a slightly different view of this, especially this part:
"Your thread provides a valuable service, especially for the new writers that keep arriving here with so much to learn {or relearn}."
I would hope that if someone wants to write an attempt would be made to learn how before they try it. Or if they try and a correction is made they don't fly into a rage because their sense of entitlement is threatened. Everyone makes mistakes, learning to accept corrections is more important to growth than any number of dumbed down threads.
I also would hope that the new writers that really want to learn, attempt to learn from those that are successful at the pratice of poetics. Read: Angeline, annaswirls, The Rainman, as examples, NOT from the H-parade that was set up.
Maybe this does not belong in this thread, but as other threads were interrupted with by the pushing of a way of thinking (or rather non-thinking), often in a nasty personal manner. I respond in kind.

Click to expand...

i'm taking this as pretty much personal, hence my response here.

are you saying this is a 'dumbed down thread'?

are you saying i am one of those H-parade poets (whatever that is meant to be)?

i've NEVER EVER claimed to be a great poet. i never intend claiming that. i know exactly where my skill level is, and i'm under no illusions.

i simply began this thread as i saw a need in the daily poems i was reading, for someone to offer a helping hand to people who either struggled in knowing the difference between certain words, or to people who simply never gave the difference a thought.

i like helping other people. i like that people offer to help me.

since i have been in the poetry forum, i don't recall seeing a thread you have begun that has helped poets that are at my own skill level. most of your helpful comments are aimed at those with skills way above anything i am likely to achieve in the next half a lifetime. (frankly, i just assume that's because you all have a lifetime's head start on me. )

looking back through this thread, i have noticed that there are a few poets i have helped - i should say 'we' as others have stepped in to help out. i think if i can only help one other poet with one difficulty they have, then i've managed to help them achieve something good. i'm content with that. if there is more than one poet that i've managed to help, then cool bananas.

i think your assumption that people who write also want to improve their writing skills is incorrect. not everyone wants the help, lots of people here are simply content to write and share. bear in mind, this site is NOT like e-zines or sites that have high requirements that need to be met before publishing.

and last, but by no means least, when the hell are you going to click into the way of thinking that there are many ways of helping other people and not all ways are along the path that you tread?

i have worked pretty hard in the time i've been here to help writers who want to learn, who want to improve their own writing. okay i'm no genius as i've said before, but i do know a fundamental error when i see one (normally). this thread, as many other threads i've begun, is intended for helping others and is not intended for you or anyone else to use as a tool to get your own agenda across.

i respectfully ask you to either dig in and help out with how this thread is intended to work, or bugger off and just let me repay Litland with my own way of helping. it is not helping the art of poetry, nor this poetry forum to constantly take jibes through all the threads, especially the threads set up to help others.

so, what say you? want to help? or planning on continuing to hinder?

Thank you leon, for the mention of my poem, "writing graciously on angry paper." also thanks to those that read/commented/ and voted. blue, oregon-gal, Pat, and cherries_on_snow, templeminded, and even the snail. Very much appreciated.

I owe the credit of this poem to Steve Kowit's book: "In the Palm of Your Hand" (the poet's portable workshop) a lively and illuminating guide for the practicing poet. The book itself is worth the read but the instructional, "how to write poetry"... obviously paid off <grin I have not yet shown the poem, "A Bottle of Poetry" inspired by eve's contest but it was the first poem I wrote after reading this book and I can only say that it opened up a whole new can of worms for me to fish with <grinin, thanks to all...

The poem was written outside of a hospital. Seems that writing poetry is a great pass time while sitting in the waiting room... and thanks to the many messages I recieved concerning my mother, she is out of ICU/CCU but as the doctor said, "She is out of danger but they have not yet fixed the problem." (heart attack) Thanks to all for your support. I hope to catch up on reading poems and threads this weekend.

As Jim would say, "lets be poetic out there!"

Thanks Art~

3-18

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3-19

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MyNecroticSnail said:

And really there should be NO sides.

Click to expand...

Wow, if I were drinking coffee I would have snorted it out my nose. You, my darling, are like a phys-ed teacher's whistle, making everyone divide into teams even when they were playing so nicely all together. tsk tsk

annaswirls said:

Wow, if I were drinking coffee I would have snorted it out my nose. You, my darling, are like a phys-ed teacher's whistle, making everyone divide into teams even when they were playing so nicely all together. tsk tsk

Click to expand...

Lol. This reminds me of my daughters track coach.
Daughter came home one day boasting he was the fastest runner on the team. This 50'ish man, is not really on the team. He is the Coach, but ..... I went to pick her up the next week. He started teasing my sons about being on the team, asking how fast they could run etc. We started running. I thought the man was gonna have a stroke about 10 yards down the field. Huffing and puffing, all outta breath, and red in the face. That was when I could've snorted coffee outta my nose. F u n n y ... Poor man, have no clue how he got the job, except he is very motivational. " Run, mak'm burn ... give me 25 laps ... "

thank you

thanks Sex&Death for the mention on Ascension. That was worked out here on the boards with the help of Fly who was able to give me excellent feedback. It was originally inspired by Maria's 13 o clock thread.

Thanks Lit poets for being so inspirational and supportive. Cheers. ~ c.o.s.

Thank you to the people

who take the time to answer PMs, who give feedback to work in progress, and who inspire me with their good works. This forum has helped me improve as a writer, thanks to those people. I hope I have been of some use in return. Cheers and fond wishes to you all.

champagne1982 said:

If I told you that your arse is a star and that you're destined for greatness, would you ride your ass to the moon just so that you could be a little closer to Uranus?

Click to expand...

you could do better