Desultory and Impulsive

Faralicious said:

That’s my goal. I’ve had flashes of it. Still, the shame, which I also kind of dig in a way.
I’ve been in the flesh submissive for about 3 years. I’m trying to work it out.
Thanks.

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I accidentally fell into this lifestyle 10 years ago. Met my first Master here on Lit, believe it or not. We had no idea what we were doing and fell headlong down the rabbit hole. I freaked right out when I discovered I was a masochist. Freaked out so much that I asked my psychiatrist if it was "normal" to get turned on by pain. She rather blithely answered, "Oh, your dopamine receptors are just attuned to slightly different stimulation than most people. Don't worry about it, you're just wired that way."

Me, ever since then: "I'm just wired that way!"

It's rarely an easy path, but I love it.

Faralicious said:

I wore braids for a reason.

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This left me feeling frustrated
And in thought of a repressed memory.


One I wish to begin to tell by saying...
let me tell you a little story about how I got these scars

But that would be over dramatic and insulting to such a great line.


Imagine if you will, a little y=mx+b.

Socially, interactively no different than I am now. Keeping to himself. Not off in the threads of others. Not off creating new thread scenes.

Coloring with his colors
Crafting with his crafts

Sitting next to a girl.

A nice girl that seemed to like to talk
...and sit close and touch me with her shoulder.

Straight dirty blonde hair
Blue eyes

My age was her age
And we became friends.

We were assigned to sit next to each other at the little table after all.

She sat there
I sat there

Familiarity in an otherwise new and unfamiliar world.


Days
Weeks go by

Me being my quiet contained self
Happy in my world.

Her being social

No harm
No foul

There is a break

Week
Month...

Time is weird and abstract at that age.

She is the same
But different.

Meaner?
Interrupive?

Targeting of me.

I did not understand
She still sat close
Still wanted shoulders to touch

Mom said she was being like that because maybe she liked me.

I did not understand
I was no different.

She was being rude for no reason

"BE LIKE YOU WERE OR LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Right or wrong
That's how I felt about her.


Then the one day came.

She was being rude.

I pulled her hair
She screamed.

I didn't let go
She looked at me in fear
Because I had never done such a thing. All the other boys had. But not me.

I cannot imagine the look in my eye. And it was all weird. Such instantaneous rage sliding into the utmost compassion and finally remorse for what I had done to someone who had become so close to me outside of home.


We were separated after that. She was moved to one of the tables further back. I, closer towards the front. Where I could always have an eye kept on me.

Some mornings I came in and she would be sitting in her old spot next to mine causing the teacher to have to remind her that wasn't where she sat once class started.

Faralicious said:

See?
We did go to school together.

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If you were her
I have a question for you.

Why did you provoke me?
Did you think this would be something I like about myself?

Arianthe said:

I accidentally fell into this lifestyle 10 years ago. Met my first Master here on Lit, believe it or not. We had no idea what we were doing and fell headlong down the rabbit hole. I freaked right out when I discovered I was a masochist. Freaked out so much that I asked my psychiatrist if it was "normal" to get turned on by pain. She rather blithely answered, "Oh, your dopamine receptors are just attuned to slightly different stimulation than most people. Don't worry about it, you're just wired that way."

Me, ever since then: "I'm just wired that way!"

It's rarely an easy path, but I love it.

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I've never discussed such with my therapist. In part because my arousal is not dependant upon inflicting pain. Profoundly heightened? Yes. Dependant no. It's also hyper-focused on one individual who's interest in me beyond that of being a gimmic, I trust.

I've also not discussed it because the is an intrinsic stigma applied towards those that express a sexual interest in hurting others.

This brings us back to the first few pages of this thread.

There is a greater threshold of understanding and forgiveness towards those who fantasize about being brutally (or not so brutally) raped than there is for those harboring fantasies to harm, hurt and rape.

Such do not get the luxury of being told "oh... You are just wired differently" without being flagged for referral or fingerprinted.

Faralicious said:

Yes. Be careful.

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I'm not searching
My proclivity exists in a dream state
I am not concerned.

y=mx+b said:

I've never discussed such with my therapist. In part because my arousal is not dependant upon inflicting pain. Profoundly heightened? Yes. Dependant no. It's also hyper-focused on one individual who's interest in me beyond that of being a gimmic, I trust.

I've also not discussed it because the is an intrinsic stigma applied towards those that express a sexual interest in hurting others.

This brings us back to the first few pages of this thread.

There is a greater threshold of understanding and forgiveness towards those who fantasize about being brutally (or not so brutally) raped than there is for those harboring fantasies to harm, hurt and rape.

Such do not get the luxury of being told "oh... You are just wired differently" without being flagged for referral or fingerprinted.

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You're absolutely right. I also had the luxury of having the same female psychiatrist for the previous 6 years and being fairly sure she wasn't going to judge me for my proclivities. I had much bigger issues going on at the time.

Arianthe said:

You're absolutely right. I also had the luxury of having the same female psychiatrist for the previous 6 years and being fairly sure she wasn't going to judge me for my proclivities. I had much bigger issues going on at the time.

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Yeah.
I too had a therapist who I trusted was understanding. He was really good at playing down what I had played up in my head. I miss him. It is insulting of me to assume he would have judged me like I did in my previous post.

Faralicious said:

I’m rather surprised, but kind of relieved after seeing what you found in your shop...

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Yeah. I'm not very good at this. I lack the ambition.

He’s all ‘look at this hook! Blah blah blah’ and then all he really wants is a wrestle and a cuddle.

Wife of Bath said:

He’s all ‘look at this hook! Blah blah blah’ and then all he really wants is a wrestle and a cuddle.

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Sometimes I bluff....

And the occasional fist full of marbles. Yes.

y=mx+b said:

Sometimes I bluff....

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Wife of Bath said:

And the occasional fist full of marbles. Yes.

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Lol... Done it! Much more fun than barbed wire.

Faralicious said:

I just flinched.

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The barbed wire or the marbles?

Wife of Bath said:

And the occasional fist full of marbles. Yes.

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Oh really now?

Care to share with the class of your experience?

Arianthe said:

Lol... Done it! Much more fun than barbed wire.

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Faralicious said:

Barbed wire. Marbles have been done, here, too. Or, marblesque beads.

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Curious minds want to know how many were you able to fit in

y=mx+b said:

Curious minds want to know how many were you able to fit in

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How many can you hold in your fist? About that many, maybe a few more. I can't recall exactly, it's been a few years.

y=mx+b said:

Oh really now?

Care to share with the class of your experience?

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Nope.

Well then. I can only imagine...

Each marble
Sliding into you

One
By
One

Filling you
Stretching you

That subtle wrong feeling
Of smooth glass surfaces
Rubbing against each other

Micro vibrations
Being absorbed
By the wet thin membrane
Of your body

Each new added marble
Cold
Becoming warm

Opening you up

Becoming a clutch inside of you
Your own secret little brood

The visibility of them
Beginning to peek out
From behind your labia
Pressing against
The underside
Of your pubis

Each one
Fighting for room
As new ones enter you
Are pushed into you
To be protected by you
To swim in you
To push against you
Finding their own little place
Inside of you

Chirping and chittering
As tiny bits of each
Chip off in such jostling

Microscopic tiny grains of glass
Digging into you
Cutting their way into your lining

no. It really wasn’t like that at all.

Wife of Bath said:

no. It really wasn’t like that at all.

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Perhaps it was for someone else.
I am still going to hold onto the thought.

I came to a fantasy of hers.

She has this fantasy
Of someone organising a sexual rendezvous with someone she knows in everyday or semi-everyday life of whom she otherwise has a vanilla relationship with. A co-worker, someone's brother, an average everyday friend.

Someone she wouldn't expect would have sex with her... or she with them.

She would be unable to see them. Unable to hear them.

And they would fuck her however they saw fit.

Them knowing full well who she was

Her never ever knowing who they were.

Afterwards life would go on.

Day in day out
Wondering who it was.

Holiday gatherings
Family reunions
Friendly picnics with friends
Neighbor dropping off the mail...

Any one of them knowing their dick was inside of her. Knowing how eager her body was to accept their ejaculate.

Her... forever trying to suss out who it was that was chosen to fuck her.


It's such a great fantasy to co-op into my own collection of thoughts about her.

Me in my everyday life with my everyday friends, secretly vetting which one i would choose for her. Conversing with my brothers... in the back of my mind wondering how I would pitch the idea to them.

I fucking love it.

I love that it is her fantasy. And I love how the thought of it gets me off just as well.

I like this song

And the video makes me happy.

Went and checked the battery in my car today.

There were two bumps on it.

One of them tested positive.