Some things just aren't fair!

I've hit a bump in the road in my first D/s relationship. Angry and frustrated at circumstance, I lashed out at my PYL, who not only didn't cause the problem, wouldn't have deserved it no matter who he was, let alone someone extremely special to me. Now he's reconsidering any relationship between the two of us, and I'm sitting here in tears worrying and fretting and feeling very, very sorry.

But it made me think.

This is the first time, the FIRST time, in nine months, I have ever made him angry with me. He's made me angry many times. He's let me down many times. And this one time that I have an issue, he pushes me away. It doesn't seem fair. But in my relationship, how often has "fair" been an issue?

Now, the question I *might* ask of you, were it going to aid me or my thoughts at all, would be "do you think that's fair?" but I find that you can't reason someone out of being angry with you. "it's not fair for you to be angry with me" is not the way for a problem to go away. I'm powerless in this, as in most decisions with him, so whether he's right or I'm right is meaningless.

So the real question that comes to mind when I think about my situations (which is mainly aimed at the submissives on the board, but I think everyone's opinions and thoughts matter) is: Do you come up against roadblocks in your D/s relationships where you can't help thinking to yourself (and in a non playful manner) This just isn't FAIR. Do you ever feel like you've given up too much control in a relationship, not necessarily sexual, to your PYL? What do you do when you feel this way?

I'm having a difficult time reminding myself that I gave over the power in this relationship purposefully, and told myself a thousand times that it was what I wanted. It's still what I want, but damnit, it's JUST NOT FAIR!

No, it isn't fair.

And you -can- reason someone out of being angry, if they are the kind of person who will actually sit and listen to reasonable conversation even while they're angry; and you are the sort of person who, even while upset, are able to order your thoughts and lay them out without sounding accusatory.

I've been in the position of reasoning someone out of being angry. I didn't necessarily stop the anger, but I helped prevent any horrible consequences by appealing to his rational side, and being calm and clear despite the fact that I wanted to shake him and scream "Why can't you just understand me?!".

I hope you find some way to work through this. I wish you all the luck.

In any relationship it is not right to push the other person away and not make an attempt to deal with your feelings. And if he is a dom he has a responsibility to make sure he understands your feelings. It doesn't matter if you were right or wrong. His lack of maturity is showing. I would be very wary that this is going to be some kind of pattern. You don't want to go through life with him holding emotional blackmail over you, and running away any time you disagree or get angry. So set him down and work it out. If he is any kind of man, he will be back to talk to you. Good luck.

I've hit a bump in the road in my first D/s relationship. Angry and frustrated at circumstance, I lashed out at my PYL, who not only didn't cause the problem, wouldn't have deserved it no matter who he was, let alone someone extremely special to me. Now he's reconsidering any relationship between the two of us, and I'm sitting here in tears worrying and fretting and feeling very, very sorry.

You say he didn't cause the problem, but could he have avoided the problem from happening? We have certain expectations of our partners, based on how we would behave or feel in the same situation. Ask him to put himself in your shoes. I think when you lashed out at him, you didn't expect him to react the way he has. Is he being defensive?

Again, I don't know any of the details, but it would be wrong for him not to sit down with you and discuss your feelings and to sort through what happened.

I have issues with power exchange anyway. A woman should never give away her power, it's like giving away a chunk of herself.

Because your relationship is more highly structured doesn't mean you're going to have answers to everything.

Everyone faces anger and inability to resolve issues.

No, it's not fair, nothing is fair, and it's only going to be fair if you make it fair for yourself and for him.

Within the structure that you set for your life, is he behaving the way he agreed to and are you behaving the way you agreed?

Every emotion needs to be accounted for and have a strategy to handle it. There are times to handle emotions together and times to suck it up and let it pass. I tend not to speak when I'm angry at all, because it's so destructive and my tongue is so sharp I'm going to cut things to ribbons and destroy trust.

Anger, for me, is always given time to cool, otherwise it's as foolish as trying to wade in lava right after the volcano 'splodes. But if you don't deal with the eruption at some point, it's just going to get worse.

Chicklet said:

I've hit a bump in the road in my first D/s relationship. Angry and frustrated at circumstance, I lashed out at my PYL, who not only didn't cause the problem, wouldn't have deserved it no matter who he was, let alone someone extremely special to me. Now he's reconsidering any relationship between the two of us, and I'm sitting here in tears worrying and fretting and feeling very, very sorry.

But it made me think.

This is the first time, the FIRST time, in nine months, I have ever made him angry with me. He's made me angry many times. He's let me down many times. And this one time that I have an issue, he pushes me away. It doesn't seem fair. But in my relationship, how often has "fair" been an issue?

Now, the question I *might* ask of you, were it going to aid me or my thoughts at all, would be "do you think that's fair?" but I find that you can't reason someone out of being angry with you. "it's not fair for you to be angry with me" is not the way for a problem to go away. I'm powerless in this, as in most decisions with him, so whether he's right or I'm right is meaningless.

So the real question that comes to mind when I think about my situations (which is mainly aimed at the submissives on the board, but I think everyone's opinions and thoughts matter) is: Do you come up against roadblocks in your D/s relationships where you can't help thinking to yourself (and in a non playful manner) This just isn't FAIR. Do you ever feel like you've given up too much control in a relationship, not necessarily sexual, to your PYL? What do you do when you feel this way?

I'm having a difficult time reminding myself that I gave over the power in this relationship purposefully, and told myself a thousand times that it was what I wanted. It's still what I want, but damnit, it's JUST NOT FAIR!

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Life is not fair and I am sure that you are old enough to know better. C'mon... I know it can be frustrating... but we all really know, deep down inside, that life is not fair.

"Fair" is just a place to eat contton candy and ride the ferris wheel.

By your own admission, you lashed out at him for something that wasn't his fault and you did so in such a way that no one would have deserved it, let alone someone special to you.

He has a right to feel the way he does. Feelings are not "right" or "wrong" they are the way we feel.

The past doesn't matter. It is not a game where we each make points. If we are going to use "fair" as a standard.... Then it isn't "fair" of you to want to discount his feelings just because you feel like he "owes" you or don't think that he should be as upset as he obviously is.

Does it make you uncomfortable that he has feelings? Feelings that may be different than yours? If he had done the same to you, wouldn't you be upset? Wouldn't you be even more upset if someone told you that you were wrong to feel a certain way?

If you were wrong and you are sorry, then express it. If he is special to you and you do not want to lose him from your life, then express how special he is to you... not just your fear... but show him how you appreciate, respect, and love him. You can't control what he does, but you can use your influence in the most positive way possible. Maybe he needs some reassurance. We are all human.

Just my two cents. I'm sorry that you are going through a rough time. I hope things work out.

Now he's reconsidering any relationship between the two of us.

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This is the part that I'm uncomfortable with. Because you have gotten angry with him, just this once... he is reconsidering your relationship?
We are entitled to express our anger or frustration with our partners. Of course it's best done in a constructive and non-confrontational manner.
You said that he didn't deserve the brunt of your anger. I know you said it wasn't his fault, but are you saying this to defend him or explain away his behaviour in some way? (ie) Intellectualizing the situation.

This is the first time, the FIRST time, in nine months, I have ever made him angry with me. He's made me angry many times. He's let me down many times. And this one time that I have an issue, he pushes me away. It doesn't seem fair. But in my relationship, how often has "fair" been an issue?

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Does he know that he made you angry several times. Did you make him aware of this, or did you keep it to yourself ? Sometimes we may think its petty to mention these things...that we can handle it, it doesn't matter...when it really does!

Now, the question I *might* ask of you, were it going to aid me or my thoughts at all, would be "do you think that's fair?" but I find that you can't reason someone out of being angry with you. "it's not fair for you to be angry with me" is not the way for a problem to go away. I'm powerless in this, as in most decisions with him, so whether he's right or I'm right is meaningless.

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I think it's fair that he be angry with you. Ditto that you are "entitled" to express your anger or hurt when you are feeling the emotion and that these feelings should be respected. It isn't fair to you that he cannot or refuses to move past this incident.

Do you come up against roadblocks in your D/s relationships where you can't help thinking to yourself (and in a non playful manner) This just isn't FAIR. Do you ever feel like you've given up too much control in a relationship. What do you do when you feel this way?

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Yes, I often feel that I've given up too much control in our relationship and I've begun to take some of it back to preserve my sense of "self ".

I'm having a difficult time reminding myself that I gave over the power in this relationship purposefully, and told myself a thousand times that it was what I wanted. It's still what I want, but damnit, it's JUST NOT FAIR!

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Chicklet, you didn't give up your power "to feel". There are limits to how much control we can give up and still remain emotionally healthy.

Chicklet said:

I've hit a bump in the road in my first D/s relationship. Angry and frustrated at circumstance, I lashed out at my PYL, who not only didn't cause the problem, wouldn't have deserved it no matter who he was, let alone someone extremely special to me. Now he's reconsidering any relationship between the two of us, and I'm sitting here in tears worrying and fretting and feeling very, very sorry.

But it made me think....

I'm having a difficult time reminding myself that I gave over the power in this relationship purposefully, and told myself a thousand times that it was what I wanted. It's still what I want, but damnit, it's JUST NOT FAIR!

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My first thought is that, no matter the relationship, we tend to turn to those we love the most when we have emotions, positive or negative. There's no "fair" -- fairness implies the ability to weigh and balance, or a contract with specified expectations and responsibilities. Try as we might, relationships don't work out that way. Toss out the concept of "fair". It's really a question of what you EXPECT and what you feel is expected of you -- what you WANT.

What is in question is "how much can this relationship bear?" That you say he is reconsidering ANY relationship between you because of your anger makes me wonder -- did you offer him violence? Did you destroy something of his? Did you bring up painful incidents from the past? Did you embarrass him in front of others? Or did you just yell because you were angry and, merited or not, he was there to be the target? If any of the former, then, yes, he might well reconsider the relationship. If the later, then maybe YOU are the one who should be reconsidering? This person does not sound like anyone worth your efforts if they will flee like this and use -- someone said "blackmail" and I agree -- anyone who threatens to end a relationship because you had a bad day is too fragile, shallow, or unprepared for a long term relationship, especially when he has had similar episodes and you have dealt with them without making such a threat. Keep in mind, even in a D/s, you have as much power to leave and move on as does he. It's common for women to think "Oh no, if I lose him, my life is over!" Some men even work hard to convince the women in their lives of this, as if it is fact.

The question is, do you want/desire this kind of victimization? You are in a particular kind of relationship concerning the exchange of power. Is this part of it? Do you want or desire the lack of stability, the constant fear of "If I'm not perfect, he'll leave me?" Is that part of the whole D/s thing for you? Is abandonment or the threat of abandonment in this mix? This is a serious question, not rhetorical. Is that part of your idea of a D/s relationship? Is this the way you wanted to be treated?

Or were you hoping to have a relationship with underlying stability, on which everything else could be explored? If you give up power, the smart person does it in a context of some safety and stability -- at least, that's something I understand from the people I've read, spoken with, and observered who live a full time D/s life.

I do not have and have no interest in having a D/s relationship, but I do understand something about the exchange of power in relationships. Even in those were the power exchance is not so overt, power moves back and forth. No one is "perfect" at all times, nor is everything fair and equal. If one person is likely to withdraw or hold the threat of withdrawal as an ace card, then they are not interested in a relationship or exchange. Relationships with any lasting power have underneath them the idea of stability, that the partners will stick it out with each other, understanding that there will be bad times for both of greater or lesser magnitude.

A relationship where only one person is allowed to ever be angry, upset, unhappy, or foolish is not a relationship, in my opinion. I'm not sure what it is, but it's something I'd abandon as destructive to myself. Sometimes we love people who are poisonous to us. Sometimes we stay with that person for many years, even while we are beaten down, thinking it's what we agreed to or what we deserve or even what we want, while all the time berating ourselves about it.

In my opinion, a relationship, no matter the overt structure, is one in which we feel good about ourselves because of our partner, not one where we feel constantly incomplete or cut in two. If you feel this kind of rage (and it sounds like rage to me) about his actions, then I think it's clear you aren't feeling good about yourself in the relationship. Do you want that? I mean, really, is feeling unvalued and unwanted part of your desires?

Remember, you have equal opportunity to walk away and find a better relationship. This being your first does not mean it is your last. As hard as that might seem and as impossible an image, it IS true -- and there are many people in the world who can testify to this. You can fight to maintain what you have, and I think you should if you can, but don't think it is the only choice you have. If he isn't willing to stay, you CANNOT MAKE HIM. While we often idealize the concept of putting others before ourselves, the truth is that without the self, we have nothing to give to others. Keep your own wants and needs in mind while still considering his.

I wish you much strength during this trial. Good luck and widsom to you.

It's really difficult to know what kind of advice to give because the details are sketchy. I'll be honest I'm hesitant to give advice over the Internet anyway because I don't really know the people involved. But....

If he really didn't have anything to do with your anger, then regardless of how he reacted, or how upset you were, I would go to him and admit what you did. Actually tell him, you took something out on him that had nothing to do with him. Take responsibility for what *you* did.

See if that doesn't open up communication with him, and if it does, then communicate honesty about your other feelings.

In any event, I'm not sure 'fair' is an appropriate word in a D/s relationship. Of course it's not always going to be fair, more so for a submissive than any other person in real life. We give up our claim to 'fair' when we beg for a collar.

What you can do, is be honest about what happened. Open up about the root cause of your anger. If it had nothing to do with him, seek his guidance and counsel about the real source of your anger and frustration. That is what he is there for--to guide you. In any event, he will need to see that you know it was not about him in order to re-evaluate his re-evaluation of the relationship.

Just my 2 cents. I'd be giving different advice if he had caused the anger so take that into consideration when you read this. If he genuinely had nothing to do with it, then you need to admit that, and show him that you see your error.

Thanks everyone for your responses, but the real question I was trying to get at was just experiences in your own lives about frustrating times in a D/s relationship where you may have regretted or been frustrated with your lack of power...

So the real question that comes to mind when I think about my situations (which is mainly aimed at the submissives on the board, but I think everyone's opinions and thoughts matter) is: Do you come up against roadblocks in your D/s relationships where you can't help thinking to yourself (and in a non playful manner) This just isn't FAIR. Do you ever feel like you've given up too much control in a relationship, not necessarily sexual, to your PYL? What do you do when you feel this way?

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still hoping for some responses to this.

Eh. I could feel there are things in my relationship that aren't "fair". I could drive myself batty feeling like things aren't "fair" and get upset that he responds differently than I do to XYZ event or situation.

However, I don't see the point in dwelling on the "fairness" of things. We both respond/react/experience things differently. There are areas where I am far far more tolerant about his moods, than he would be mine, if the situation were reversed; there are situations where he has way more compassion and patience than I would, if I were in his shoes.

That isn't to say either of us are slugs about what we expect, want and need from each other, but we don't really bring "fair" into the equation.

A) Life ain't fair.
B) Relationships are hard work.
C) Dom/sub dynamics do not change points A or B

I sometimes wonder if people (in general) get so caught up in the protocol of BDSM they fail to remember the BDSM stuff is built upon the foundation of a relationship... emotionally healthy relationships require mature, emotionally healthy, communication, regardless of all the kinky extras.

Chicklet said:

Thanks everyone for your responses, but the real question I was trying to get at was just experiences in your own lives about frustrating times in a D/s relationship where you may have regretted or been frustrated with your lack of power...



still hoping for some responses to this.

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Chicklet when I read your initial post I went "yessssssssssssssssss". Because I know I have felt that way on occasion and its really thrown me in as much as I questioned myself as a submissive. Also in that if I accepted something I felt was inherently unfair ( I do not generally find aspects of my Ds relationships unfair, so the 'abstract' is that what ever made me feel this way is well out of context with my expectations including pushing of boundaries ) what did that say about me. Was I seeking an abusive relationship under the safe mantle of the term Ds ?

I have never 'sort' after any kind of abusive relationship knowingly and I have been in Ds relationships since I was 19 , never actively pursued a non Ds relationship (hate the term vanilla)that I can recall .This lead to a form of personal grief. Why on earth would I care for someone so profoundly, submit to them and on this occasion believe my wellbeing was so low on their scale under the circumstance that prevailed.

There is no magic solution , even when I spoke strongly and negatively to the others involved I kept a level of decorum and respect , so things didn't degenerate further. ( This is not just Dominants but also a Mentor) I actually find the formality easier , seems to set up safe boundaries. I remained honest . I also looked very hard at myself . I needed to find in all this 'unfairness' what if anything I 'owned'. I guess in the end of most of these challenges things become cathartic for me. I did in fact learn something each time, not always profound but certainly 'growth'. Burning tears of 'this just isn't fair, I am damned if I do and damned if I don't' ohhhhhhhh yeah.........smiles

re "where you may have regretted or been frustrated with your lack of power..." I always have the power, the power to walk away (really not what I consider an option but I still know its there) The question for me is do I have the power to know its not all about me and submit gracefully without feeling like a victem . The power to know how much I can give of myself in submission to a wellbeing beyond my own and take a soft pride in doing so.

Hmmmmmmn ranting again.......good luck Chicklet with it all.

@}-}rebecca------

Caitlynne said:

What you can do, is be honest about what happened. Open up about the root cause of your anger. If it had nothing to do with him, seek his guidance and counsel about the real source of your anger and frustration. That is what he is there for--to guide you.

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This is what I do and have done. Frustration and anger are part of life. When it happens--it happens. I try to talk it over and be as honest as I can. Ultimately what gets done [if anything] about it, is his at his discretion.

No, some things aren't and never have been. The question is what are you willing to put up with and what are you not?

*HUGS*

Fury

I think that Curious made the best point in that some people get so caught up in the largely ficticious protocols that they forget that it's supposed to be a satisfying relationship for both partners.

I also think that when you throw BDSM into the mix, quite often the people involved are so excited to finally have a BDSM relationship that they are prepared to put up with all kinds of other problems just to keep it.

Basically, you have to be compatible both inside & outside of the BDSM factor.

Chicklet, I would think that 1 angry moment from either partner would not be enough to fracture a strong relationship, however it could easily cause a break in a superficial attachment. I think that you have to be very honest with yourself & examine all aspects of your life together. It may be that your angry moment was really just the straw which broke the camel's back and is being used as an escape clause.

if you feel that something is unfair, put forth to your Dom the need for communication....... that you need to talk .....(as powerful and as awe filling as They may be, few Doms can read minds)

..as a sub, many times i have thought to myself, this is not what i want to be doing,......but being a good sub, i do it......smiles......it pleases me to please Him.....so whos the loser there???? .....smiles........

there should not be score cards in a relationship, so to say "He has displeased me and i took it from Him and so He should take it now......."......would not be........ well .........healthy

if what was between the T/two of you was strong, surely something can be work out.......

you can not take away how you made Him feel.........they are His feelings, they belong to Him.....

saying your sorry, and discussing the issues at hand will do wonders for any kind of relationship......

.........smiles and i do recall sending roses to Sir with a note saying i was sorry(and some other stuff )......after i was an exceptionally bad girl........

dont keep score, talk and talk and talk some more......

be well
blaze

Chicklet said:

Thanks everyone for your responses, but the real question I was trying to get at was just experiences in your own lives about frustrating times in a D/s relationship where you may have regretted or been frustrated with your lack of power...



still hoping for some responses to this.

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I don't have any really cool words of solution... But ......
I thnk sometimes that we expect our relationships to be different because they are BDSM related..
And in some ways they certainly are..
But, and I think I can share this with others here...Don't we run afoul sometimes of the fact that while we are in BDSM relationships...
They are still relationships.
At some fundamental level they are still an emotional relationship between two (or more) human beings ... With all the pain in the ass, random emotional difficulties that that implies.
And in some ways I think perhaps, that the BDSM dynamic can make resolution of what would otherwise be "normal" relationship problems more difficult to resolve.
And sometimes I think we can get so tied up (no pun intended) in what we are "supposed" to be.. That we can lose the opportunity, and the ability, to "fix" our relationships.
In recent years, and after lots of experience, I have tried very hard to keep ahead of that problem..With varied levels of success..
Other than that, (LOL) Given my general track record in that department, I'm not exactly qualified to give relationship advice..

Warning... Long reply.

Chicklet said:

...This is the first time, the FIRST time, in nine months, I have ever made him angry with me. He's made me angry many times. He's let me down many times. And this one time that I have an issue, he pushes me away.

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Really? He's never, ever, gotten angry with you? Or is it that he's never gotten angry enough to bother to let you know about it? Perhaps every time _you_ have been angry, he's been seething inside, but didn't lash out or speak of it. Perhaps his outward calm has been a mask. Or perhaps he has indeed been calm and serene all these past times with what has been going on, tolerantly putting up with things that others may have sent you packing for a long time ago.

You said you lashed out at him for something he had nothing to do with. And yet _you_ complain that his angry reaction isn't fair? Huh?

If someone uncorks on me for something that is outside my realm of control or responsibility, they had best be ready to deal with one very pissed off dominant. I'll own MY mistakes but don't dump on me for something that isn't my problem.

It doesn't seem fair. But in my relationship, how often has "fair" been an issue?

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Fair is telling your oldest child to cut a sandwich in half and letting your youngest pick which half he wants.

Fair is what a judge is supposed to be.

Fair is subjective as hell, what _I_ consider to be fair in a situation and what anybody else will consider fair can be at diametrically opposed positions.

Fair has been described as a situation where nobody gets what they want.

Now, the question I *might* ask of you, were it going to aid me or my thoughts at all, would be "do you think that's fair?" but I find that you can't reason someone out of being angry with you. "it's not fair for you to be angry with me" is not the way for a problem to go away. I'm powerless in this, as in most decisions with him, so whether he's right or I'm right is meaningless.

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This is very true. It _IS_ meaningless. Especially since I get the impression that your idea of fair is "one for you... one for me. One for you.... one for me" It seems to me that you feel like since he has let you down X number of times, you should be allowed to disappoint him X number of times.

It doesn't work that way.

You may have hit one of his hot buttons, a core issue that he has zero tolerance for. Since we know absolutely nothing about what happened, who said what, what this issue is, he may be abso-freaking-lutely justified to kick you to the curb. And you can still feel like it's unfair.

Unfortunately, that's the nature of feelings. I've known people to go into relationships with such different expectations that anyone outside looking in would have seen "disaster in the making" but the participants carry on , blissfully (or willfully) ignoring the problem.

As an example only, I am not implying or saying this has anything at all to do with your situation Chicklet: DomA goes into the relationship repeatedly saying, "I'm poly, I want multiple partners, I expect to have multiple partners at some point, I _will_ have multiple partners at some point..." etc. subB goes in saying "sure, that's fine, no problem, blahblahblah..." All the while subB is _thinking_ "I'll change him, once he falls in love with me he won't need anyone else, he won't want anyone else." etc... Patently incompatible, and subB starts crying foul when DomA starts trying to establish relationships with other subs. "He's cheating on me! It's not fair! He said he loved me, now he's chasing after... " cries subB.

Uh huh, yeah, right. He was upfront about what he wanted and expected, she had unrealistic expectations about what would happen in the relationship.
The flip side, where the dominant has unrealistic expectations of what the submissive can or will do also happens quite a bit.

Unfortunately, when reality does not meet up with expectations, you run into these "bumps". No, it isn't fair. The only way to deal with the situation is to communicate, communicate, communicate. If you and your dominant partner are not able to resolve the issue, if the expectations and the reality are simply too far apart, then it's time to be mature enough to say "this isn't going to work for us, our desires are too far apart". You say sayonara and safe journeys and move on.

So the real question that comes to mind when I think about my situations (which is mainly aimed at the submissives on the board, but I think everyone's opinions and thoughts matter) is: Do you come up against roadblocks in your D/s relationships where you can't help thinking to yourself (and in a non playful manner) This just isn't FAIR. Do you ever feel like you've given up too much control in a relationship, not necessarily sexual, to your PYL? What do you do when you feel this way?

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I can't answer from a submissives point of view, I can only answer from my point of view. When I reached that point in my first marriage, where I realized I was not having my needs met, or my desires even considered, when my emotional and spiritual health were in the toilet because there was no "fairness" (from MY POV) going on (my ex was so vanilla that oral was her idea of kinky, and I could do her, but the return favor was out of the question...), I finally reached a point where I said "no mas". I could not stay in that situation any longer, it was killing me inside.

ANY relationship, D/s or not, can reach that point. Any relationship that reaches that point can still be saved. Or maybe salvaged is a better word. But it requires that all parties involved want to save it, and are willing to communicate and work with one another to meet the needs of the other.

My ex didn't feel it was fair that I wanted a submissive partner. She didn't feel it was fair that I wanted _her_ to be that submissive partner. She didn't feel it was fair that I since she wouldn't be my submissive partner that I wanted a submissive partner that _wasn't_ her, and she didn't feel it was fair when I told her "goodbye". Well I didn't feel it was fair to keep supressing this part of myself. I didn't feel it was fair to live in denial of who and what I am any longer, I didn't feel it was fair to continue living in misery because my needs were not being met, and my desires were considered perverted and disgusting.

I'm having a difficult time reminding myself that I gave over the power in this relationship purposefully, and told myself a thousand times that it was what I wanted. It's still what I want, but damnit, it's JUST NOT FAIR!

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Fairness, shmareness. I hit the road because it was what I needed to do for my own sanity and well-being. I left a woman I loved and cared for deeply. It wasn't fair. I left my children, it wasn't fair. I left the house that I considered "home" and that I grew up in, it sure as hell wasn't fair.

But it wasn't fair that I should have to pretzel myself the rest of my life to keep that woman and my kids and my home.

The question isn't "what's fair?" The question is what do you want and what do you need? The question is will you find those things with this Dominant. The question is will he find what he wants and needs with you? The question is are you mature enough to get to the truth of those needs and desires? Is he? Are the two of you ready to communicate your needs, your desires, your expectations, openly and honestly with one another? Are you both ready to move forward, working together to meet your mutual needs?

And if not, are you ready to take the steps necessary to move on so that you become ready for that much truth in a relationship? Is he?

And if you and he are not really ready for that much honesty in your relationship, are you ready to admit that maybe you two are not really such a good fit after all, and to let go gracefully?

Life isn't fair, but it always presents you with choices. Choose well.

Was going to write a probably long post once again, but think I will sum it up by saying we are all human, we all make mistakes, and despite the assertations and reprimands based on the image of perfection from both subs and Doms, I have yet to find any in RL who are perfect and do not make mistakes which at times have no rhyme or reason. Even the Dalai Lama is quite open that he has weaknesses that contradict Buddhism in a big way, and that he can make mistakes, so if we in D/s feel we are immune, perhaps we are not looking at things with an open gaze. Yes, you hit out at someone who you say was not the right target, but so have most people in this life when in moments which stretch their limits in some way...and think it might be good to remember (think I have this right in my mind?), this is your first venture into any sort of D/s relationship so you are still learning and finding your feet.

Given that, I would hope the Dominant in question could look past his reactions to attempt to talk to you about it, but then that once again hints at the Dom being all wise, all knowing, on a pedestal of sorts which I see verbalised here and elsewhere often when in reality, once again it comes back to Dom/mes are human too and do not know everything, do not always act perfect, or have the perfect answer always. Sheesh, if they did, couldn't they wipe all the Dr. Phil's of this world off the map and amass the huggest fortune in history? Reality is a good place to start, not stereotypes from fiction and porn sites based on unrealistic models of cool, calm, collected 24/7.

As to the frustrations of being in such positions you feel powerless and frustrated as a sub...yes, I have them...no, I don't always deal with them well. We work through them together most times, but when he doesn't feel the need to I am on my own to cope with it. As to fair, he reminds me it is not meant to be fair...he has no problem acknowledging fair is a legitimate word to discuss or feel frustration over in D/s, as unlike some who brush it off with 'life is not fair' or it has no place in reality, he feels it is part of the basis of power exchange in that one person holds the power, the other does not...how can that ever feel fair in generally recognised terms? Given all that, I am not that good a slave as yet to say I don't experience such moments when I feel outraged, nor have I reached that magical point where it seems it must no longer exist as an emotion. Guess that comes with being highly emotional, they just do not go away.

Catalina

Wow Geoff that's heavy stuff.

Well said, Geoff.

Chicklet said:

So the real question that comes to mind when I think about my situations (which is mainly aimed at the submissives on the board, but I think everyone's opinions and thoughts matter) is: Do you come up against roadblocks in your D/s relationships where you can't help thinking to yourself (and in a non playful manner) This just isn't FAIR. Do you ever feel like you've given up too much control in a relationship, not necessarily sexual, to your PYL? What do you do when you feel this way?

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I think that any relationship, not just D/s, will run into roadblocks. But in this case I do know what you mean. Me and K actually had to take a step back in certain areas (concerning the kids) cause I had given him too much power. I guess what you need to decide is do you still want a D/s relationship, even though he's not being fair?

I'm having a difficult time reminding myself that I gave over the power in this relationship purposefully, and told myself a thousand times that it was what I wanted. It's still what I want, but damnit, it's JUST NOT FAIR!

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I've been there. Sitting here, telling myself 'you wanted this, now you stick with it'. Lifes just not fair, and it woudln't be anymore fair if it wasn't D/s. As my mother always told me, fair is a four letter 'f' word.