Do you hide your sexual needs from your significant other?

[Vitriolhack]

It's difficult, my sympathies to married men going through this struggle. I'm in a bit of a different situation. Married 25 plus years, sex once or twice a month even when newlyweds. She's very orgasmic and enjoys it much more nowadays so I am grateful for that but I'm doing all the work, she's not creative, and it's all very very routine. I've written about it in several stories. She's religious and conservative so that's a potent combo/roadblock so sexual fantasy and those conversations can be extremely dicey. I am at the point now where I've told her that I want to masturbate to erotica / porn with her, that I want to go to sex stores and such and it has been surprisingly positive and non-judgmental in terms of her reaction. Even told her I have explicit fantasies (I alluded to 3-way sex, wow, I was sweating that one). Making some progress but it's not overnight. Always feel like I'm vulnerable, I'm always the one suggesting we think differently and do more to liven it up...but I have to press forward. If I don't, it's guaranteed to be more of the same.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You just have to know what needs to change. And, if I may, the change doesn’t have to br monumental for it to have a significant impact in your lives.

I am quite certain that she would also like a few adjustments.

Perhaps it’s just dinner once a week at a local restaurant, just to have an occasionally to dress up a little and feel special and enjoy a conversation.

 

[Yarglenurp]

It's difficult, my sympathies to married men going through this struggle. I'm in a bit of a different situation. Married 25 plus years, sex once or twice a month even when newlyweds. She's very orgasmic and enjoys it much more nowadays so I am grateful for that but I'm doing all the work, she's not creative, and it's all very very routine. I've written about it in several stories. She's religious and conservative so that's a potent combo/roadblock so sexual fantasy and those conversations can be extremely dicey. I am at the point now where I've told her that I want to masturbate to erotica / porn with her, that I want to go to sex stores and such and it has been surprisingly positive and non-judgmental in terms of her reaction. Even told her I have explicit fantasies (I alluded to 3-way sex, wow, I was sweating that one). Making some progress but it's not overnight. Always feel like I'm vulnerable, I'm always the one suggesting we think differently and do more to liven it up...but I have to press forward. If I don't, it's guaranteed to be more of the same.

Yeah, time and experience are key to all this. I also think it’s important you take the time to assess her comfort though. There’s a lot of stories about men who push their partner beyond their comfort zone but don’t recognize it right away, and it ends up costing them their marriage.

 

[Strixaluco]

I am quite certain that she would also like a few adjustments.

Perhaps it’s just dinner once a week at a local restaurant, just to have an occasionally to dress up a little and feel special and enjoy a conversation.

Or a surprise picnic which she doesn't have to prepare, in a pretty place.

Or something about cuddling. Or kissing. Or pampering. Or...

 

[MH2024hot]

Yeah, time and experience are key to all this. I also think it’s important you take the time to assess her comfort though. There’s a lot of stories about men who push their partner beyond their comfort zone but don’t recognize it right away, and it ends up costing them their marriage.

Absolutely agree. What I've recently revealed and suggested to my wife I couldn't have attempted 5 years ago. It usually takes time. And as you mention, it's important to have realistic expectations. There is a difference between fantasizing about 3 way sex or watching it, and actually suggesting another guy come in our bedroom but I'm fine with her knowing I get arousal from the idea of it. Overall, it is critical to have a strong relationship where you are investing in each other emotionally and can have these conversations. And you may learn something about your spouse that you weren't expecting.

 

[13Fantasies]

No. I took out a billboard.

 

[Deleted member 6810551]

I'm depraved, and very hungry. She knows, lol.

 

[trinething1ns]

No. I took out a billboard.

Now THERE’S an idea!!!

“PLEASE PEG ME” in three foot letters…

 

[Illgiveitatry1]

True! It's a situation that I find myself in as well....It may be my doing that I was a bit closed but that's led things to drift in bed....n now while I'd love to open up, I fear making a move ...don't want to be judged by anyone let alone my husband.... Lit has been a source of my fantasies & dreams...

Well you can definitely Open up to me and share anything you would like.

 

[MH2024hot]

and


I can relate.

Our church has talked about porn in the past and I find it an excellent vehicle to have more explicit conversations with her about moving past our routine.

I also want her knowing exactly what I've been up to so I am quite detailed about it as I find it liberating. The sermons that she might have intended as a shackle I'm trying to use as a door. At this point in my life, I would much rather pursue fantasy and excitement with her than without her. I wasn't always that way because I would get frustrated during long periods of drought and her lack of making our relationship a priority, but I keep trying. At this point in our 25 plus year marriage, she knows a lot more about my activities than she ever has. I'm not getting judgment vibes from her so I'll keep knocking at the door until we open it together... I hope!

 

[Vitriolhack]

Our church has talked about porn in the past and I find it an excellent vehicle to have more explicit conversations with her about moving past our routine.

I also want her knowing exactly what I've been up to so I am quite detailed about it as I find it liberating. The sermons that she might have intended as a shackle I'm trying to use as a door. At this point in my life, I would much rather pursue fantasy and excitement with her than without her. I wasn't always that way because I would get frustrated during long periods of drought and her lack of making our relationship a priority, but I keep trying. At this point in our 25 plus year marriage, she knows a lot more about my activities than she ever has. I'm not getting judgment vibes from her so I'll keep knocking at the door until we open it together... I hope!

You get major points for trying and not giving up.

At the very least, I am quite certain, from what you say, that you have a communicative relationship with your wife.

I’ll drink to that!

 

[Vitriolhack]

and


I can relate.

Jay hang in there.

We are all here with a similar situation.

 

[staylate]

and


I can relate.

I think there's definitely a routine here, too. And the only thing that changes is the frequency, which is on a steadily downward track. I have definitely had some chats here and elsewhere that have set the room on fire and that my wife would never have with me.

 

[MH2024hot]

You get major points for trying and not giving up.

At the very least, I am quite certain, from what you say, that you have a communicative relationship with your wife.

I’ll drink to that!

Thanks. I can confidently say that I've been more open with her than ever about what I've watched, enjoyed and want do to with her but it's more than just about erotica. It's going to sex stores, using sex toys, wanting to talk fantasy, being open to new things.

(And her being ok watching me masturbate with a Penthouse mag. I know that prob sounds pretty random but I have my reasons. That was the most nervous I've ever been revealing to her that and she hasn't shot it down).

The topic of porn and sex is a multi part series at church so each week we end up talking, ha. I have to try to try to reorient here a bit as the last sermon was full on anti-porn and she is deeply religious but open to my thoughts. I'm not pro-porn. I can never win that argument with her and I wouldn't try. But nuance is a beautiful thing as some of the pastors points were just not accurate and way overblown.

I went point by point with her. She was originally very staunchly anti porn after hearing the sermon but said she was impressed with my response. Basically, my argument is that erotica (which I distinguish from "hard core" porn) within our marriage together is different than me secretly doing it by myself. I can commit to not jerking off by myself in exchange for her openness in us expanding our mentality and experimenting with erotica.

I can't believe we've come as far as we have. Still working it. I told her our upcoming vacation should be our first foray into this sexual side of our relationship. We will have time to ourselves and privacy.

 

[Vitriolhack]

Thanks. I can confidently say that I've been more open with her than ever about what I've watched, enjoyed and want do to with her but it's more than just about erotica. It's going to sex stores, using sex toys, wanting to talk fantasy, being open to new things.

(And her being ok watching me masturbate with a Penthouse mag. I know that prob sounds pretty random but I have my reasons. That was the most nervous I've ever been revealing to her that and she hasn't shot it down).

The topic of porn and sex is a multi part series at church so each week we end up talking, ha. I have to try to try to reorient here a bit as the last sermon was full on anti-porn and she is deeply religious but open to my thoughts. I'm not pro-porn. I can never win that argument with her and I wouldn't try. But nuance is a beautiful thing as some of the pastors points were just not accurate and way overblown.

I went point by point with her. She was originally very staunchly anti porn after hearing the sermon but said she was impressed with my response. Basically, my argument is that erotica (which I distinguish from "hard core" porn) within our marriage together is different than me secretly doing it by myself. I can commit to not jerking off by myself in exchange for her openness in us expanding our mentality and experimenting with erotica.

I can't believe we've come as far as we have. Still working it. I told her our upcoming vacation should be our first foray into this sexual side of our relationship. We will have time to ourselves and privacy.

Love that!

you are finding common grounds that both of you enjoy!

 

[SpicyMama38]

I made the mistake of sharing my wants and needs. He tried to provide them and was disgusted by it. Now I try to pretend I don’t need them so he doesn’t look at me differently.

 

[sexymanfun]

I made the mistake of sharing my wants and needs. He tried to provide them and was disgusted by it. Now I try to pretend I don’t need them so he doesn’t look at me differently.

Bummer. But at least you've found us perverts who appreciate it

 

[SpicyMama38]

Bummer. But at least you've found us perverts who appreciate it

Very true. I have had quite the warm welcome today.

 

[sexymanfun]

Very true. I have had quite the warm welcome today.

Warm and sticky hopefully

 

[THoney269]

I made the mistake of sharing my wants and needs. He tried to provide them and was disgusted by it. Now I try to pretend I don’t need them so he doesn’t look at me differently.

I'm guessing that he still expects you to enjoy what he wants/needs, correct?
You tried to communicate what you want. Full stop. He thought it was appropriate to shame you for wanting something different.. Anything your fellow Literotica pervs can help with?

 

[drobert44]

I'm guessing that he still expects you to enjoy what he wants/needs, correct?
You tried to communicate what you want. Full stop. He thought it was appropriate to shame you for wanting something different.. Anything your fellow Literotica pervs can help with?

Tell him to kiss off, go and have fun

 

[summer_reine]

I didn't at first but when you get shot down or mocked often enough you stop. Now he's gone and I write stories. *shrug*

 

[Mtnmike]

I made the mistake of sharing my wants and needs. He tried to provide them and was disgusted by it. Now I try to pretend I don’t need them so he doesn’t look at me differently.

I know the feeling, same here with the wife

 

[drobert44]

If I told my married GF how much I love cock, she would dump me.....

 

[dodgeboy2]

I will admit that I have had more meaningful conversations on the lit chat with virtual strangers that with my wife.

Having tried to talk to her about it, I know how she would react and judge me.

I am not unhappy about the choices I have made, but, I am curious to know if others here are in the same boat I am in?

I too have things she doesn't know about myself and I chat with so very freely here.

I a few times tried to bring up subjects subtly but mostly am shut down, sexually she has always been mostly vanilla in most aspects and I stopped bringing them up after a while.

Would I be happier if she was more open and into my other desires many of which she knows nothing of, for sure. But I also love her and I guess it is what it is for me, so here I am on lit sometimes playing out my fantasies if at least in my mind.

 

[THoney269]

I know the feeling, same here with the wife

I'm sorry she couldn't handle your wants/needs @Mtnmike