More Humour

[Handley_Page]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt:
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.... 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Otago '

And they say blondes are dumb...

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

Bilbo Baggins died of a Viagra overdose today. Apparently it's true; old Hobbits die hard...

I'm reading a horror story in Braille; something bad's going to happen, can feel it...

How are the movies 'The Sixth Sense' and 'Titanic' alike? Icy dead people...

 

[Handley_Page]

A king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the King and the Queen went fishing.

On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm." The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the King continued on his way.

However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the King returned to the palace, and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.
I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that...it will rain."

So the King hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.


The practice is unbroken to this day!

 

[CarlusMagnus]

Fred walked into a bar. He looked like a truck had hit him the day before.

His friend Sam greeted him and asked, "Damn! What happened to you?"

Fred answered, "You remember Katie, from when we were in school, don't you?"

"Yeah," said Sam. "She was hot. She married some prize-fighter, didn't she."

"She did," Fred replied. "But I was getting it on with her yesterday afternoon when we thought her husband was working out at the gym. We were going at it hot and heavy, doggy-style, on her kitchen floor when we heard the front door open. 'It's my husband!' she said. 'Quick! Use the back door.' I should have run, but a guy doesn't get an invitation like that every day."

 

[Handley_Page]

This happened at a New York Airport:

This airline gate agent deserves an award for how she handled a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first who were in front of you; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal:
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain...

 

[fma20fma]

hi

at the hospital, a patient wanted the covid vaccine jab to be given in the ass, and threatened to sue the doctor if a satisfactory explanation was not offered for administering it in the left shoulder. The doctor coolly said,"I advice you to apply for a student seat in the medical college, where you will get all the explanation about any and all vaccinations, and moreover you will have many professors to clear all your doubts."

 

[Handley_Page]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'

'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.

I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine inch she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed."

So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

And what is it?' asks the doctor. . . . . . . ..

'We're having a new kitchen.'

 

[Zootonius]

Man goes to a pig farm to by a pig. He asks "how much is a pig?"

Farmer says "Goes by weight." And he puts the pig's tail in his mouth. "That one weighs 100 pounds."

Guy says "You can't weigh a pig like that!"

Farmer say "Yes you can. Hey son, come here and weigh this pig."

Son comes over, does the same thing and says "100 pounds."

Guy say, "What are you pulling here?"

Farmer says "Son, get your Ma and have her come out and weigh this pig."

Son goes in the house and comes out a minute later, alone.

Farmer asks "Where's you Ma?"

Son says "Can't come out right now Pa. She's weighing the mailman."

 

[Djmac1031]

What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?

The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

(I'll see myself out now...)

 

[Handley_Page]

'Employee of the month' is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Repost From Reddit

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Saskatchewan back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

[TxRad]

Sammael, that one caught me completely off guard. LOL

 

[Comshaw]

In case any spelling Nazis stumble in here:


Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is
taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be
a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

And for a giggle:

I was 'flying' down the road yesterday (i.e. 20 mph over the limit,) I passed under a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.

He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the policeman, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


Traffic Ticket: $195.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The look on his face: Priceless




Comshaw

 

[jehoram]

Historical limerick (referring to George Wallace, from Alabama who, in his political prime, was a notorious racist):

A lonely old farmer named Hollis
Took possums and snakes for his solace
His children had scales
And prehensile tails
And voted for Governor Wallace

I'm pretty sure Shel Silverstein wrote that one.

 

[Handley_Page]

The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited but her wicked stepmother and the ugly step sisters would not let her go. She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.

"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"

"Because my stepmother and stepsisters won't let me go to the ball."

"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."

"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" Cinderella happily gushed.

"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and you must listen to it carefully," warned the fairy godmother. "You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon".

Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him.

The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon. The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork.
He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin.

He said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?"

"About half past two," she replied

 

[Handley_Page]

The madam opened the brothel door in Butte and saw a rather dignified, a well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.
May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else ?", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row". Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Great Falls."
"Really ?," she said. "I have family in Great Falls."
"I know." the man said. "I regret to inform you that your sister has died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

 

[oggbashan]

I woke up during last night and I remembered a joke I was going to put in this thread.

This morning I've forgotten what the joke was.

I guess the joke is on me.

 

[oggbashan]

Qantas has the world's best airline safety record.

But - on one flight due to land at Darwin, Northern Territory the Qantas plane had to be diverted because Darwin Airpost was fog bound. The nearest alternative airstrip was on the coast near a mangrove swamp infested with Salties - large saltwater crocodiles. The plane didn't have enough fuel to fly on to the next major airport a thousand miles south at Alice Springs.

The pilot flew over the airstrip to get an idea of any challenges that might occur on landing. The visibility was good, the wind was light, the airstrip was long enough but he and the passengers could see bumps on the runway.

The pilot landed anyway but as the wheels touched down the aircraft shook as it ran over the bumps. When the passengers got off, they could see that the wheels were covered with blood.

An elderly lady asked the captain:

"Does all that blood mean Qantas's safety record is now broken?"

"No, Ma'am," the Captain replied. "We hit a few Salties. That's not a safety problem. That's proportionate culling in the interest of the local wildlife who might otherwise be the crocodiles' prey."

Australian wildlife can be a health and Safety issue - but not if dead.


PS: That is fiction and not the joke I've forgotten.

 

[Candy_Kane54]

At the finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it.

The other finalist was a redneck. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that? The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

 

[labeltornoff]

When I was younger, I dated a woman who was cross-eyed.

It didn't work out, we couldn't see eye to eye.

And I think she was seeing someone on the side.

 

[Handley_Page]

A guy is driving around Lossiemouth when he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the RAF Regiment about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the man says.

"Ten quid? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a walt. He never did any of that sh!te

 

[jehoram]

A guy is driving around Lossiemouth when he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

OK, another talking dog story.

In the old days of vaudeville, a guy goes to an impresario with his dog. The impresario says, "Well, let's see your act."

The guys says to his dog, "Say, Sport, yesterday was, well, what's the word..."

"Rough! Rough! Rough!" barks the dog.

"That's the word! It all started with when I fell off... what's the word?

"Roof!" barks the dog. "Roof! Roof! Roof!"

"Yeah. It would have been a disaster but for the fact that my neighbor came by... What was his name?"

"Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!"

The impresario interrupts them. He says, "That's enough! That's the worst act I've ever seen! Get out of my sight!" And he throws the guy and his dog out of his office.

So the guy says to the dog, "Well, Sport. I guess we're finished in vaudeville."

And the dog says, "How about if I asked the questions next time?"

 

[Handley_Page]

A Veteran bought two cases of beer on sale and placed them on the front seat of his car and headed back home. He stopped at a service station to get fuel and a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on his passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in bartering so would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

The Veteran thought for a few seconds and asked, .... "What kind of beer have you got?''

 

[Sammael Bard]

A jewish guy walks into a synagogue and goes straight over to the rabbi. He says: "Rabbi, I need help. I have a big problem with my son. I did all that I could to raise him in the faith. I took him to Sabbath services every Saturday, and sent him to Hebrew school after regular school every Wednesday. He had a bar mitzvah. I sent him on a trip to Israel. I even sent him to seminary college for Jews. Yesterday, he came to me and said that he wanted to convert and become a Christian!"

The rabbi replies: "You know, it's funny that you should come to me about this! I also have a son that I did all I could to raise as a Jew. I brought him to temple every Saturday. He went to Hebrew school after regular school too. He had a bar mitzvah, visited Israel, and went to seminary college as well. He too came to me and said that he wanted to convert and become a Christian!"

The jewish guy inquires: "Well, what did you do about it?"

The rabbi tells him that he asked God about it.
.
.
.
.
.
"Well, what did God say?" asks the guy.

God said: "You know it's funny you should come to me about this!"

 

[Handley_Page]

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mommy, guess what!
Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom
and daddy came into the room with the lady next door
and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word.
Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him
exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said,
"I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

"But why--" asked the startled father.
"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."