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Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.” He just knew what it was, so he jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Now just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me…” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike!
 
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Dorothy and Edna, two senior widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk
with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine
suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes
me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a
limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out
for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne,
dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into
an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new
dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I
shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no...I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
 
A husband of 50 years dies, leaving his widow to prepare for his funeral.

The mortuary attendant calls the widow aside to consult her with an embarrassing problem. He hesitatingly explained that her husband died with an erection and the coffin would not shut. Without pause she told the attendant to cut off the member and stuff it up his anus.

Later during the wake, it came her turn to stand by the body and say her last goodbyes. Looking down at her departed husband she noticed a look of pain on his face. She leaned over and whispered in his ear her final words,

"I told you it hurt."
 
A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess.”


The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Suzie?”


Suzie says, “No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!”


The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.


A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”

The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
 
A man accompanied by his big ugly daughter was traveling on a lonely road when they were held by bandits and looted of his belongings.

As the bandits disappeared in the distance, he moaned to his daughter, “I’m ruined. In years I saved those ninety thousand dollars. All my other worldly possessions were in that leather suitcase. I lost everything.”

“Not everything, dad” The girl said coyly. “I saved the money.”

“What!” The man exclaimed, “You saved the money? How could you do that?”

“While the bandits were searching you, I stuffed the notes into my . . . well, you know what. Here they are.”

The man grabbed the money, looked up at his daughter and said, “Goddamnit, kid, if your mom had been along, we could have saved the suitcase, too.”
 
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date.

The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father’s nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, “Isn’t he smart? I wonder what he plans to be.”

The father says, “From the smell of his fingers, I’d say our son-in-law.”
 
A woman goes to her gynecologist for a routine exam.

A woman goes to her gynecologist for a routine exam. During the exam, the doctor remarks, "My, you have a big vagina........My, you have a big vagina."

Upset, the woman tells the doctor that he didn't need to say it twice. But the confused doctor replies that he only said it once.

Intrigued by what just happened, the woman goes home and stands over a mirror with her skirt pulled up. As she is checking herself out, her husband comes in and asks what she is doing.

"Just learning a new dance," she replies.

"Well, you'd better be careful," her husband says. "There's a big hole in the floor."
 
Medical experts were asked if it is time to lift the COVID-19 lockdown restrictions.

There were mixed responses.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it altogether, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling it was a bad idea, and neurologists claimed the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Forensic pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" to which pediatricians responded, "Oh, grow up!"

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.

Podiatrists thought it was a huge step forward, but urologists were pissed off at the notion.

Anesthetists thought the whole idea was gas, and those lofty cardiologists just didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, though, the proctologists won out, and the entire decision will be left up to the assholes.
 
There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner of the earth, engaging in endless conversations with hundreds of people. This went on for some time, until the monthly phone bill arrived...

The parrot had rang up thousands of dollars worth of international calls, and the bishops we’re furious. To teach the bird a lesson, they bound the gregarious parrot to a crucifix with twine and left him in a dank basement to ruminate upon his actions.

After several hours in quiet misery, a shining ray appeared and cast its light upon an ancient crucifix of Jesus directly across the parrot. Suddenly, Jesus spoke to the Parrot:

“My creature, I have come to ease your woes”

“Who are you?” Spoke the parrot.

“I am Jesus Christ, do you know my name?”

“I do not!” Squawked the parrot, “how long have you been hanging there?”

“Two thousand and twenty years, my son”

“SQUAK!!! Holy shit- where did you call?!?”
 
Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.

Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after some time she starts wondering why Johnny hasn’t tried to take things to the next level.
“Johnny, are you attracted to me? We’ve been together for months and you haven’t tried sleeping with me yet. Is something wrong?”
Johnny replies, “When I was younger, my dad told me that girls have teeth, you know, down there.

“That’s silly”, she says, “let me show you”. So she starts to strip from the waist down, lies back and spreads her legs. “See! No teeth!”

Johnny looking horrified says “ Well no wonder! Look at the state of your gums!!!”
 
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