Lootequiette: Pmann's Totally Original/Unaffiliated Thread

[aussiegeekygal]

I went in deep and hard to get to the bottom of my feelings about this one. My initial thought was "of course I forgive easily" but it's really not that simple for me. I'm empathetic and see that a lot of things that people say and do are from a place of being triggered but I don't automatically forgive that, even if I understand the underlying catalyst.

I had a really disappointing run in with someone recently where things they were saying that were obviously from a place of sensitivity regarding their childhood. I guess I can tolerate pain being expressed, but not when it comes with name calling. It changed the way I see that person, which is a shame. I've forgiven the transgression but the relationship between us is different now.

So much of what we say isn't interpreted the way we intended. There's always room for people to get triggered by something seemingly innocent to one party. If I'm the one who has upset another, I do my best to acknowledge their feelings (even if I think they're bullshit) and if it's appropriate, I sometimes ask for forgiveness. Most people aren't as interested in being asked for forgiveness as they are in being acknowledged. Just seeing them and their feelings is often "apology" enough. And of course I adjust my behavior to avoid intentionally hurting them in that way again.

But sometimes I'm a vindictive asshole.

 

[done_got_old]

I think most people assume I'm a boring, senile old biddy. That's okay because I don't care.

I don't usually post on the conversational type threads because.... oh hell, I forgot.

 

[Lord Pmann]

I'm pretty forgiving, honestly. Most people think I'm just an asshole. That's not always the case. People can change my mind. Most of the time, people can just true it up with a conversation. There are several people here that I've disliked in the past because they were sanctimonious shits, but we've made nice since then.

We all mess up. We all do stupid shit. Most things are forgivable. There comes a time where people mess up and we need to part ways.

Most of the time, I just need to have a talk. My skin is thicker than hippo scrotum, so it takes a lot to offend me. When I'm offended, you've done something really big. But let's just hug it out, bitches.

 

[JerseyJade]

I live in Jersey and I know people. Enough said.

 

[Lord Pmann]

I went in deep and hard... Blah blah blah

Everyone stopped reading there.

 

[Mr_bogey]

I'm really good about asking for forgiveness but luckily, I'm never wrong, so....

As far as being forgiving, it definitely depends. Fuck with me? I'm fine. Fuck with my family in any way, particularly my kids (or my dog prior to his passing) and we might go to war.

 

[barefootgirl69]

It really depends on the circumstances/offense and the individual.
If I hardly know someone, it's easier to just blow it or them off. I tend to mark and avoid those who show we aren't a good match in the friend category.

For instance, getting to know people in the local BDSM group, we decided to go to dinner. There were probably 5 or 6 of us. When it came time to pay our individual bills, someone didn't have money. I normally would just think it was an embarrassing situation, however, I'd seen a few other things and decided she wasn't the kind of person I wanted in my life. No forgiveness was needed, just mark and avoid.

Other people, the ones I care for, have invested in emotionally, have bonded with...that hurt is deeper. I try to continue a friendship until there's been several offenses (secrets told, for example), then it becomes a case of keeping them close to keep an eye on them.

Most things that cause me to have a snit usually just die out of its own and things pick up where they left off. No apologies necessary, no forgiveness, either.

There is only one grudge I hold and that's to my ex husband. Not for his infidelitues but for doing a few things that caused hardship as a family. There are some things you need to do when people are counting on you to provide, and he dropped the ball. I couldn't get past it.

 

[JennyNo1]

For me, I think it's more a matter of letting go of things. I can forgive an awful lot, but after the first offense, I'm going to be wary of the other person. If their intent was not to hurt and it's not a pattern, then I'm fine with them. Otherwise, I simply have nothing further to do with them.

As far as asking for forgiveness, I have no qualms about doing so. But like suz_ mentioned, there are times where it takes me some time to realize I did something wrong, or to come around to where I can see things from the other person's perspective. But at that point, I'll gladly apologize.

 

[Dribble]

Wasn't this a question once before? I remember typing something about never forgetting. Guess I need to edit that...I never forget something important.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Wasn't this a question once before? I remember typing something about never forgetting. Guess I need to edit that...I never forget something important.

That may have been in some other thread of which we do not speak and has no relation to this.

 

[Daisy_Love]

For me it depends why I’m forgiving you. If it’s something trivial, unintentional or small I wouldn’t give it a second thought. We all make mistakes and I always own mine and will ask for forgiveness. I really struggle with close family, friends etc being upset with me. If there was intent behind it, it would make me second guess you and most likely keep you at arms length.
If you were to have done something significant to hurt me, I could forgive but I would not forget and depending on the circumstances I would most likely withdraw as it taints a relationship. It’s very difficult once trust is broken for it to ever be the same. I also think when it’s someone significant and you’re close to the impact can be huge, your expectations of that relationship/person are shattered. You can forgive but repairing that relationship would be extremely difficult for me.

 

[Orchidea73]

Day 1:

What is a perception of you that you would like to change? What do people think about you that you wish they didn't? Are they right or wrong in thinking it? Do you care enough to adjust your behaviours to modify the perception?

I have nothing here. I have no idea what some stranger's perceptions of me are, and I have no desire to change for anyone who knows nothing or little about me. People are different and therefore perceptions changes accordingly. If anything, perceptions amuse me, and sometimes I am guilty of playing with them. It's fun.

Tell me your secrets.

I'm an atheist.

How are you guys with forgiveness? Do you forgive easily? Or do you hold a nasty grudge?

I do not hold grudges. I forgive but I do not forget. I'm very friendly and generous but I will cut off all the bridges with you, in a heart beat, if you do overstep my boundaries. Generally speaking, as a rule, people who are petty, jealous, holier than thou, drama queens, whiners, self-righteous, and probably some more, are all categories I find toxic and try to avoid like the plague. Well, as much as I can, because I am human, after all, and I do not tolerate bullies.
There is a reason why nobody has succeeded to bully me, like ever. Not even in high school, let alone now.

How about asking for forgiveness if you are in the wrong?

I have no problems with asking for forgiveness, and not just because I might have done something wrong.
I can ask forgiveness even if I still thought I had done nothing wrong. The reason is simple. I love those people and care that much that it doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong. The important thing is that they felt they were wronged by me somehow. And for that alone, I do ask forgiveness, or an apology.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Well thankfully we have only forgiving people here. Except AGG, who is inherently evil it seems.

Trust is something that can come and go. And the weird thing is, sometimes you're not quite sure how much you trust someone... Until it's gone. Then it's really obvious how much you trusted them and how much trust was lost.

Lit is a particularly hard place to trust people. It can prey on your vulnerabilities. It can cause you to doubt yourself.

The questions are- how trusting are you? Once it's gone is it gone for good? How do you navigate lit regarding trust? Do you have walls up initially? Or does everyone get a clean slate? If it's broken, are they allowed back in?

Don't Know What You Got (Til It's Gone) by Cinderella

https://youtu.be/i28UEoLXVFQ

 

[Orchidea73]

Lit is a particularly hard place to trust people. It can prey on your vulnerabilities. It can cause you to doubt yourself.

The questions are- how trusting are you? Once it's gone is it gone for good? How do you navigate lit regarding trust? Do you have walls up initially? Or does everyone get a clean slate?

I don't know about Lit, yet. I'm still "new" here. Ask me again in 6 months, maybe. LOL Generally speaking though, to really trust a person, that takes time with me. However, I am intuitive, an over-thinker, but also instinctive and have an adventurous spirit. Therefore, I often end up taking a leap of faith. It might end well or might end badly, but sometimes that's all you've got. Either take it or leave it.

If it's broken, are they allowed back in?

NO!

 

[Daisy_Love]

Trust is something that can come and go. And the weird thing is, sometimes you're not quite sure how much you trust someone... Until it's gone. Then it's really obvious how much you trusted them and how much trust was lost.

Lit is a particularly hard place to trust people. It can prey on your vulnerabilities. It can cause you to doubt yourself.

The questions are- how trusting are you? Once it's gone is it gone for good? How do you navigate lit regarding trust? Do you have walls up initially? Or does everyone get a clean slate? If it's broken, are they allowed back in?

I’m still ‘new’ to Lit as I only started posting recently so I can’t really comment on Lit atm.
In general I try to take people at face value but remain guarded and not make assumptions until they give me a reason to. Trust takes time and effort from both parties and it takes a while for me to build trust. I’m fairly perceptive and good at reading people and most of the time my gut instinct is rarely wrong. If a relationship is built on trust and this is broken I lose all respect for that person, no I wouldn’t let them back in even if that decision caused pain.

 

[Orchidea73]

I’m still ‘new’ to Lit as I only started posting recently so I can’t really comment on Lit atm.
In general I try to take people at face value but remain guarded and not make assumptions until they give me a reason to. Trust takes time and effort from both parties and it takes a while for me to build trust. I’m fairly perceptive and good at reading people and most of the time my gut instinct is rarely wrong. If a relationship is built on trust and this is broken I lose all respect for that person, no I wouldn’t let them back in even if that decision caused pain.

I think our gut instinct is never wrong actually. It has never, ever, failed me. The opposite in fact, I have failed my gut. Which is the crux of the matter. Do we always follow our guts? I don't think so. Even when we know deep inside something is really wrong, we sometimes choose to ignore it. Ignore the red flags, ignore actions, ignore all the signs. It's not that easy to follow your guts, because we are lead by the desire and emotions more often than not.

 

[UKMind]

Rightly or wrongly, if you’re a decent person I will do anything for you but you get one chance.

The minute I’m crossed, I am done. I can be civil if I have to but if I have ceased to trust you, we might as well not talk because my patience and interest in you will have completely and irreparably eroded.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Once trust is broken it's hard to get back. I need time to see if it was a mistake...I'll keep you at a distance...I'll be a great counselor/advisor...but breaking trust is always remembered.

I've been fooled a few times on Lit and the ones that hurt the most are the female friends. We tend to open up more, don't we? I don't anymore.

 

[Lonelywife1205]

The questions are- how trusting are you? Once it's gone is it gone for good? How do you navigate lit regarding trust? Do you have walls up initially? Or does everyone get a clean slate? If it's broken, are they allowed back in?

Don't Know What You Got (Til It's Gone) by Cinderella

https://youtu.be/i28UEoLXVFQ

I am a very trusting person. I trust until you give me a reason not to. When that trust is broken, I’m mostly done with that person, but I am open to the possibility that the damage can be repaired depending on the situation. I’ve had good experiences with men on Lit by and large, it’s been the women I’ve had a hard time trusting.

 

[Lord Pmann]

I usually just let it be a gut thing. Usually I keep things distant for a while. Sometimes someone is just my kind of person and I let them in. Other times it takes a while. I’m mostly right.

I’ve often found that I am someone who people do trust immediately. People like to spill their guts my way.

 

[Lonelywife1205]

I usually just let it be a gut thing. Usually I keep things distant for a while. Sometimes someone is just my kind of person and I let them in. Other times it takes a while. I’m mostly right.

I’ve often found that I am someone who people do trust immediately. People like to spill their guts my way.

I’m not really sure why, but this is true.

 

[SassySheDevil]

Well thankfully we have only forgiving people here. Except AGG, who is inherently evil it seems.

Trust is something that can come and go. And the weird thing is, sometimes you're not quite sure how much you trust someone... Until it's gone. Then it's really obvious how much you trusted them and how much trust was lost.

Lit is a particularly hard place to trust people. It can prey on your vulnerabilities. It can cause you to doubt yourself.

The questions are- how trusting are you? Once it's gone is it gone for good? How do you navigate lit regarding trust? Do you have walls up initially? Or does everyone get a clean slate? If it's broken, are they allowed back in?

Don't Know What You Got (Til It's Gone) by Cinderella

https://youtu.be/i28UEoLXVFQ

I am too trusting. Always have been. I tend to give people more chances than they deserve. There becomes a point where too many chances were given, and I have to pull away though.
I am now working on those walls. I'm doing my best to not let anyone in any longer (from here)
Or at least be more selective about who I let in. I used to be that "clean slate for everyone" person though. I gave everyone a chance, because why would they lie or hurt me.
Like LW, I am much more careful about women. Women Can be more mean spirited with your personal info if friendships end. I think only 1 guy offered up my personal info upon the ending of a friendship.
As much as I crave (and miss) that close friendship/bond with a female, it just became less rewarding as I became too worried about what they would use against me if things failed.

 

[Lord Pmann]

I think it’s my soft persona.

 

[Lonelywife1205]

I think it’s my soft persona.

Well that or your shaming and name calling.

 

[hotwords229_A]

I think I dispense trust in degrees. Sometimes you can trust that someone is untrustworthy which, I guess, is a “type” of trust.

For me, friendship, love, family relationships are only given to people that I have determined can be trusted completely. Even if they screw me over, I’ll trust that they did it for a reason. <—- this hasn’t happened, by the way—it’s all just theory.

People can be trusted in different ways, under different circumstances, to varying levels. It’s all very nuanced.

I try not to think about it and, if I were to be screwed over, I would be more disappointed in my own judgement than the person I shouldn’t have trusted.