Down the Rabbit Hole

There’s a hum that’s almost deafening; glasses clinking upon tables, laughter of friends, idle chit-chat as orders are made, and the increasingly rapid beat of my heart that thunders in my chest.

I shouldn’t be here.

I shouldn’t be here.

I shouldn’t be here.


The call of my name snaps me from my panicked trance, my eyes darting around the crowded bar to find friendly faces waving me over. I see their warmth, their pure pleasure to see me and to be with each other...but I can’t feel it. My heart just thunders on. Louder and louder until it’s all I can hear. And I can’t manage to bring myself to move from this place by the door. The storm of my anguish and despair just continues to rage beneath the surface of my well-rehearsed smile. But they don’t see it...they don’t see the real depths of me. And my heart threatens to break at the idea of another moment pretending that I am okay.

A silent prayer slips from my lips to whatever deity is listening...
Please? Someone see me? Some one pull me from this place?

It was then that I felt you. I felt you before I even saw you. It was an instinctual pull of my soul. I couldn’t deny it as I would the need to breathe. A weak yet purposeful breath, followed by another, my sight finally began to focus. And from within the sea of bar-life chaos, your eyes shot through to me as accurate as an arrow.

Your face was familiar, some twinge of a memory surfaced of an introduction between mutual friends. Your name was lost to me. Did it start with a J? No, an L? Did it matter? Of all the people in all the world in this exact moment...you saw me. The slight furrow of your brow and your tilted gaze saw right through any facade I was battling to maintain.

And if truth was to be revealed, it was in that split second of a moment that I saw right through your own. For as a giant of a man that you are, with the strength and composure of any other man in any other bar...I saw you. Your soul was as raw as mine, the weight of your life bearing heavily yet subtly upon your shoulders. Your fist clenched around your half-filled glass as I saw the pain you hide flash behind your usually playful gaze. And the pull became stronger as I took that first step towards you.

One step slipped fluidly into the next, and before I realised I had managed to weave my way around the crowd to stand before you. You tower over me, my forehead barely reaching your chin. You don’t say a word, your brow just furrows deeper as your hand clenches tighter around your glass. And again by instinct my hands wrap around yours with a feathered touch.

“I see you” is all I am able to say. It is barely a whisper and I don’t even know if you hear me. Except the catch in your breath and the loosening of your hands around the glass to take me own. You pull me closer, my chest presses gently against the strength of yours. You lean forward, your hands trembling as the heat of your breath brushes upon my ear.

“And I see you...”

Everything you are encompasses me in this moment; your scent laced with liquor, the heat of your body, your heart pounds against my chest, the slight tremble in your accented voice. The instinctual pull for you tightens. In this chaos we are anchored to each other.

And I need you.

I need every part of you.

And every part of me; mind, body, heart and soul...it screams to be closer to you.

Closer...closer...

And I don’t even remember your name.



To be continued...
 
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Now that was exciting. To be seen and wanted by someone...thats the dream isn't it? To be what someone else needs and they what you need. To be home.
 
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