Sexless Marriages

[xxkimberlyv]

I will admit I did feel guilty the 1st 6-7 years but about 5 years ago I just quit trying. Never like she ever initiated it after the kids anyway, so why even try. She did offer 1 time years ago but I said no and have never regretted it !!!

At some point in time it feels that the effort is not worth the reward

 

[ccs29745]

Do others feel guilty about giving up? How long/ many times do you have to try? If she offered to be intimate I think I might say no. Not that I don’t love her or desire her but because I don’t want to keep opening those wounds.

Been spo long, think I would be surprised and upset.

 

[Polranny]

We used to have an amazing sex life but mine started a business and now spends his energies on growing it and making money. When we do have sex, which isn't often, he climbs on, does his thing and climbs off and either leaves or goes to sleep....

That's a bloody insult.( and I bet you supported him when he started his business and probably still do)

 

[Lost_Yonder]

We used to have an amazing sex life but mine started a business and now spends his energies on growing it and making money. When we do have sex, which isn't often, he climbs on, does his thing and climbs off and either leaves or goes to sleep....

Sounds horrifically frustrating!

I think, though am open to differing opinions, that no sex is better than bad, unfulfilling, sex from a selfish partner. What do others think???

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Do others feel guilty about giving up? How long/ many times do you have to try? If she offered to be intimate I think I might say no. Not that I don’t love her or desire her but because I don’t want to keep opening those wounds.

Been spo long, think I would be surprised and upset.

after some 10+ years, there is no guilt!

 

[ccs29745]

after some 10+ years, there is no guilt!

I wouldn't feel guilty. It would be a little stress relief to pull a wifey trick.

 

[Twistedkink]

Yes I have talked with him about him ignoring my needs. He says he will do better and it is still the same as before.

I feel your pain. I love my wife but she has so many issues that i can’t even begin to address our sexual needs. She’s an alcoholic and has acknowledged that she is. And every time she drinks she gets angry and goes off, which is often. I hope you find a way to fill your needs that can also bring you peace and joy.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

At some point in time it feels that the effort is not worth the reward

Agreed.

 

[Mtnmike]

At some point in time it feels that the effort is not worth the reward

Spoken Truth

 

[Mtnmike]

Yes I have talked with him about him ignoring my needs. He says he will do better and it is still the same as before.

Sorry, talking has not worked for me either. She finally told me to have sex with whoever I wanted, just not her? Haven't yet cause it feels like a trap

 

[TTawhere]

I watched this thread play out a bit yesterday and have been thinking about it before commenting.

For all of us here who are sexless because our partners will not or cannot be with us, we have been abandoned and the promises that partner made to us have been abandoned as well. While “the risk isn’t worth the reward” with that partner, is that true for you generally?

The emotional and physical toll that this type of rejection takes on a person in the long term is hard. For someone to stay with their vows regardless of that cost takes a great deal of emotional maturity and stamina. In a way that those who think they’re not having enough sex just don’t understand.

At some point, your own psychological well-being needs to be taken care of. How you can do that, well... What would you choose?

To all here on this thread. I wish you all well and that you find your own personal solution that you can live with.

 

[philos]

I watched this thread play out a bit yesterday and have been thinking about it before commenting.

For all of us here who are sexless because our partners will not or cannot be with us, we have been abandoned and the promises that partner made to us have been abandoned as well. While “the risk isn’t worth the reward” with that partner, is that true for you generally?

The emotional and physical toll that this type of rejection takes on a person in the long term is hard. For someone to stay with their vows regardless of that cost takes a great deal of emotional maturity and stamina. In a way that those who think they’re not having enough sex just don’t understand.

At some point, your own psychological well-being needs to be taken care of. How you can do that, well... What would you choose?

To all here on this thread. I wish you all well and that you find your own personal solution that you can live with.

I would love to hear how you answer your own question.

 

[TTawhere]

I would love to hear how you answer your own question.

I have given this a lot of thought.

Several events and happenings in my life have brought about the realization that life is short. While my wife and I love each other, her medical issues have led us to the “sexless” club. We’ve made many attempts at finding solutions.

I have built a life with her and we have children and all of the entanglements that a marriage brings - in a good way. I will not leave her and do not want to hurt her, but I already know her thoughts on an open relationship and she wouldn’t want that.

With that said, I’m still young enough that I have drive, wants and desires sexually. Those involve the intimacy that you only have with a partner. I’ve made the decision that I’m looking for a special woman near me who is in a similar situation. I’m looking to share what we’re both missing at home on a long-term basis. I don’t just want to sleep around, I want someone that I care about. I don’t want to just hop into bed - I want to get to know that person and make sure that we’re the right match.

I know I’m looking for a needle in the haystack, but that’s what it is.

I know not everyone would approve or understand, but that’s OK.

 

[Mtnmike]

I have given this a lot of thought.

Several events and happenings in my life have brought about the realization that life is short. While my wife and I love each other, her medical issues have led us to the “sexless” club. We’ve made many attempts at finding solutions.

I have built a life with her and we have children and all of the entanglements that a marriage brings - in a good way. I will not leave her and do not want to hurt her, but I already know her thoughts on an open relationship and she wouldn’t want that.

With that said, I’m still young enough that I have drive, wants and desires sexually. Those involve the intimacy that you only have with a partner. I’ve made the decision that I’m looking for a special woman near me who is in a similar situation. I’m looking to share what we’re both missing at home on a long-term basis. I don’t just want to sleep around, I want someone that I care about. I don’t want to just hop into bed - I want to get to know that person and make sure that we’re the right match.

I know I’m looking for a needle in the haystack, but that’s what it is.

I know not everyone would approve or understand, but that’s OK.

Very well said TT, you put into words what I've been thinking but couldn't find the perfect expression.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

I have given this a lot of thought.

Several events and happenings in my life have brought about the realization that life is short. While my wife and I love each other, her medical issues have led us to the “sexless” club. We’ve made many attempts at finding solutions.

I have built a life with her and we have children and all of the entanglements that a marriage brings - in a good way. I will not leave her and do not want to hurt her, but I already know her thoughts on an open relationship and she wouldn’t want that.

With that said, I’m still young enough that I have drive, wants and desires sexually. Those involve the intimacy that you only have with a partner. I’ve made the decision that I’m looking for a special woman near me who is in a similar situation. I’m looking to share what we’re both missing at home on a long-term basis. I don’t just want to sleep around, I want someone that I care about. I don’t want to just hop into bed - I want to get to know that person and make sure that we’re the right match.

I know I’m looking for a needle in the haystack, but that’s what it is.

I know not everyone would approve or understand, but that’s OK.

Ditto here. I have not given up on my SO, but I have needs that she is no longer filling. (or does so once or twice a year).

 

[AnnieLit]

I know I’m looking for a needle in the haystack, but that’s what it is.

I don't think so. It might be not that easy to find each other, but there are a lot of women that are looking exactly for what you described. Her marriage even does not have to be completely sexless, just unsatisfying enough for her to start looking elsewhere.

Somebody mentioned an idea that bad, unfullfilling sex with a selfish partner is worse than no sex at all. Well, welcome to the women world, where sex for most married women is rather unfullfilling. Wifey duties are duties for a reason.

 

[TTawhere]

I don't think so. It might be not that easy to find each other, but there are a lot of women that are looking exactly for what you described. Her marriage even does not have to be completely sexless, just unsatisfying enough for her to start looking elsewhere.

Somebody mentioned an idea that bad, unfullfilling sex with a selfish partner is worse than no sex at all. Well, welcome to the women world, where sex for most married women is rather unfullfilling. Wifey duties are duties for a reason.

Well, with every partner that I have ever had, including my wife, I have never felt that sex was about a duty or an obligation. It has always been about our mutual pleasure and enjoyment of each other. Sex, like any other part of a relationship is something you need to work at and keep “fresh” in some way. Maybe I am an outlier in that regard, but I hope not.

 

[Lonelywife1205]

I don't think so. It might be not that easy to find each other, but there are a lot of women that are looking exactly for what you described. Her marriage even does not have to be completely sexless, just unsatisfying enough for her to start looking elsewhere.

Somebody mentioned an idea that bad, unfullfilling sex with a selfish partner is worse than no sex at all. Well, welcome to the women world, where sex for most married women is rather unfullfilling. Wifey duties are duties for a reason.

This resonates with me. I make sure my husband’s needs are well taken care of as I do view it as my “duty” so to speak. So, while my marriage has plenty of sex, it is emotionless for the most part. Making sure he pleases me is not on his radar. Many times after he is finished, he is kind enough to hand me a vibrator so i can finish myself and he can roll over and go back to sleep. So, while it does feel good in the moment, there is no intimacy and no emotional connection and is just like going through the motions. I love him, but my heart needs more.

 

[supercollider00]

This resonates with me. I make sure my husband’s needs are well taken care of as I do view it as my “duty” so to speak. So, while my marriage has plenty of sex, it is emotionless for the most part. Making sure he pleases me is not on his radar. Many times after he is finished, he is kind enough to hand me a vibrator so i can finish myself and he can roll over and go back to sleep. So, while it does feel good in the moment, there is no intimacy and no emotional connection and is just like going through the motions. I love him, but my heart needs more.

I'm really sorry to hear this, it just sounds sad and no one should have to go without intimacy or emotional connection

 

[Kalamain]

Been married for almost 22 years. Not had sex in....*ponders* about 12 years?

Her drive after the birth of our daughter was never high. I bet we have only had sex about 15 times in the past 20 years?
It would regularly be 6 months or so between "events" and it would only be under sufferance.

Other than that I do love my wife... But it *IS* a major sticking point for me. It very nearly came to divorce a few times... But I grew to accept it for what it is. *shrug*

 

[Lonelywife1205]

I'm really sorry to hear this, it just sounds sad and no one should have to go without intimacy or emotional connection

Thank you. Yes, it makes me sad. But, I have put forth a great effort to try to have intimacy in my marriage to no avail. I have decided life is too short to live without it, so I have made peace with my decision to look for it elsewhere. I will not break up my family to have it, (nor anyone else’s) but I believe it can exist alongside of my real life priorities and obligations. He is aware that I have this need.

My life is mostly pretty great with the exception of a lack of intimacy and closeness which is the one thing that seems to elude me.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Thank you. Yes, it makes me sad. But, I have put forth a great effort to try to have intimacy in my marriage to no avail. I have decided life is too short to live without it, so I have made peace with my decision to look for it elsewhere. I will not break up my family to have it, (nor anyone else’s) but I believe it can exist alongside of my real life priorities and obligations. He is aware that I have this need.

My life is mostly pretty great with the exception of a lack of intimacy and closeness which is the one thing that seems to elude me.

I'm in a very similar situation, though with no intimacy whatsoever... glad you made your peace, it is never easy and good luck in finding what we all so need and desire!

 

[Lonelywife1205]

I'm in a very similar situation, though with no intimacy whatsoever... glad you made your peace, it is never easy and good luck in finding what we all so need and desire!

Thank you. You’re right that it’s never easy. It just hit me one night while crying myself to sleep that I was tired of being sad and lonely and I was the only one who could change that.

I have come close to finding it before and have had my heart broken in the process, but I still believe the risk is worth the reward and I will enjoy the journey wherever it takes me.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I have given this a lot of thought.

Several events and happenings in my life have brought about the realization that life is short. While my wife and I love each other, her medical issues have led us to the “sexless” club. We’ve made many attempts at finding solutions.

I have built a life with her and we have children and all of the entanglements that a marriage brings - in a good way. I will not leave her and do not want to hurt her, but I already know her thoughts on an open relationship and she wouldn’t want that.

With that said, I’m still young enough that I have drive, wants and desires sexually. Those involve the intimacy that you only have with a partner. I’ve made the decision that I’m looking for a special woman near me who is in a similar situation. I’m looking to share what we’re both missing at home on a long-term basis. I don’t just want to sleep around, I want someone that I care about. I don’t want to just hop into bed - I want to get to know that person and make sure that we’re the right match.

I know I’m looking for a needle in the haystack, but that’s what it is.

I know not everyone would approve or understand, but that’s OK.

These are difficult issues and challenges! As Annie said, I don't think it is a needle in the haystack - there are plenty of women who share and are seeking what you desire. The challenge is finding one another - that is so difficult, made even more of a challenge by the nature/culture of online dating apps and platforms. Talking to friends is risky, pushing boundaries with a known person who may also be married is risky...

For me, as I mentioned before, for whatever reason, I had no issue in "looking elsewhere" for intimacy. It was a door she first opened, though I know I went further than she would have wanted and that I really should have. It almost became an addiction - just looking to get away with it. And I did. But then I happened upon a woman who changed all of that and made me realize that what i was searching for could not be found in a hookup. I needed the connection, a real connection. She provided that for me and through her I weaned myself away from my destructive behaviors.

But our relationship was not sustainable for a variety of reasons and I had to let her go and find what she needed, which was not a married man. I haven't been with anyone since her and that was 2.5 years ago... I miss sex and have been tempted many times and probably could easily be drawn into a relationship, but I'm not seeking it.

The short of it is, we all need something different - some an escape from a bad marriage, some sexual fulfillment, some intimacy, some a regaining of our sense of self. It isn't always just about the sex - that is just the most obvious thing to focus on...

Hope everyone has an enjoyable, relaxing, stomach fulfilling (at least) holiday!

LY

 

[philos]

She sounds like a very special (and rare) woman. You must have been tempted to leave your SO for her. Why didn’t you?