Marriage for the sake of kids

[guy31_M]

How many of you are stuck in a marriage for the sake of kids? I am. Should have left long before the kid was born; but somehow that did not happen. Now I am feeling like trapped in a life sentence.

Well, misery loves company. So come on board.

 

[KimGordon67]

Is this for financial reasons or other things?

 

[guy31_M]

Other things. Did not want the kid to be traumatized. I am the only one working; but thankfully I can pay alimony and still have a decent income.

To add: I am male. 45.

 

[Jada59]

Other things. Did not want the kid to be traumatized. I am the only one working; but thankfully I can pay alimony and still have a decent income.

To add: I am male. 45.

If you and your spouse are fighting, the kid will be traumatized. The longer you stay, the worse it will be for them.

 

[KimGordon67]

Yeah, pretty much what Jada said ... kids tend to prefer happy parents over together parents. Not always, obviously, but mostly.
When my parents broke up, I was relieved. When me and my husband decided to separate, the only thing our kid was concerned about was that we'd hate each other. (We don't.) Now he has a home in the city and a home in a beach town - he seems to be doing fine.

People just do what they do, but sometimes its useful to really question our assumptions about things ... I was genuinely surprised to learn what my kid was concerned about, and would have never picked that as being what he'd be upset about.

 

[UgliestSon]

People never ever fucking mention staying in a marriage for kids simply because you cant imagine life without them. How about I like seeing them every day and making dinner for them and helping them with homework and taking them to practice. I know most assholes dont give a fuck. It is all about the money.

 

[KimGordon67]

People never ever fucking mention staying in a marriage for kids simply because you cant imagine life without them. How about I like seeing them every day and making dinner for them and helping them with homework and taking them to practice. I know most assholes dont give a fuck. It is all about the money.

I think people do mention that. I miss my kid like crazy, and if anything was going to keep us living together, that would have been it.

 

[guy31_M]

Thanks everbody! And thanks for the PMs as well. My main reason is I enjoy spending time with my kid. I tried hard to work through differences. But everything I do is always wrong in the eyes of my spouse.

My 13 yo is now picking up on the conflicts and often silently suffers. In some ways I think that the best way is to break it up. Yes, there will be more intense pain but at least after that it is over.

 

[Bjerget]

People never ever fucking mention staying in a marriage for kids simply because you cant imagine life without them. How about I like seeing them every day and making dinner for them and helping them with homework and taking them to practice. I know most assholes dont give a fuck. It is all about the money.

It's not often easy to put all that into words.

I mean, I know you just did. But it's not easy for us other pleebs.

 

[UgliestSon]

It's not often easy to put all that into words.

I mean, I know you just did. But it's not easy for us other pleebs.

So happy I could help.

 

[KimGordon67]

Thanks everbody! And thanks for the PMs as well. My main reason is I enjoy spending time with my kid. I tried hard to work through differences. But everything I do is always wrong in the eyes of my spouse.

My 13 yo is now picking up on the conflicts and often silently suffers. In some ways I think that the best way is to break it up. Yes, there will be more intense pain but at least after that it is over.

This is the thing. That's the age mine was when we separated. They 'get things' more than we often realise ... and conversely, they often don't really care about things we think they will care about - like, we thought ours would be sad to leave the house he grew up, but he really didn't bat an eyelid. Obviously each kid is different - we can only comment on what we've observed ourselves, and I guess some kids are really upset by these things.
The time thing is a killer - for logistical reasons, I'm only with my kid about a third of the time, and I hate that. But a while back he said to me 'Don't worry that you don't see so much of me Mum - I make up for it by not really talking to Dad that much'. So he still has a great sense of humour.

 

[Lostgirl5960]

I stayed in a bad marriage for 25 years because I thought the kids should have both parents in the house. They told me years later they would have been just fine if we had divorced.

 

[Mtnmike]

I stayed in a bad marriage for 25 years because I thought the kids should have both parents in the house. They told me years later they would have been just fine if we had divorced.

I hear ya, I've done the same and heard the same from my kids

 

[shelbakk]

Struggling

I to am at that point in my marriage. I don’t want to hurt my wife. She’s a lovely person, but has always been so unaffectionate. I know I don’t love her anymore but I can’t tell her how I really feel.

 

[lacandy]

People never ever fucking mention staying in a marriage for kids simply because you cant imagine life without them. How about I like seeing them every day and making dinner for them and helping them with homework and taking them to practice. I know most assholes dont give a fuck. It is all about the money.

First - interesting (and I’m sure will be divisive) thread...

Second - what UgliestSon said is the exact reason. It works both ways. I’ve been to the point that I was ready to leave and then husband would come home and my kids’ faces would light up that dad was home. How is it okay for me to take that from them because I may not be 100% happy?

However, I think if there is conflict in the house then things need to be re-evaluated. Husband and I are not fighting and he’s an amazing father (though daughter thinks a little too much in her business but she’s a teenager ). Sometime I think things would be easier if he was an asshole that I fought with so I could justify leaving. But that’s not the case. He still makes me laugh daily and I know I can rely on him, but there’s nothing beyond that.

A few years ago I had a “five-year plan” because that was how long it was until my youngest graduated from high school. I started doing things like getting a full time job and paying off our debt preparing for the day that I would leave...now we are down to two years and I’m not sure it will happen...

My point is that it’s not always a black and white he/she is a terrible person and I have to get away. Sometimes there’s so much more behind a decision to stay in a marriage...

 

[Gelista]

Its tough. I have no doubt if we didn't have kids then we would have gone our seperate ways years ago. We very nearly did pre-kids anyway, then thought we'd stick it out.

Now we are basically housemates looking after children than any proper relationship.

 

[lacandy]

Its tough. I have no doubt if we didn't have kids then we would have gone our seperate ways years ago. We very nearly did pre-kids anyway, then thought we'd stick it out.

Now we are basically housemates looking after children than any proper relationship.

Wait! Are you my husband? Because seriously...this is my exact life!

 

[Jada59]

People never ever fucking mention staying in a marriage for kids simply because you cant imagine life without them. How about I like seeing them every day and making dinner for them and helping them with homework and taking them to practice. I know most assholes dont give a fuck. It is all about the money.

That is true. But if parents fight all the time, it's horrible. I grew up in a house like that and wished daily that they would divorce. It never happened.

 

[AsinBehold]

Also in a similar position to you guys, two kids who are 3 and 1 -- want to stay together for the sake of them.. I made a silly mistake when getting married so young, now there is such a large gap in terms of interests and intellectual stimulation, I married her purely for looks and not so much personality, don't get me wrong -- she is caring but her temper is awful and she really struggles with the kids. I think she's depressed -- me being the fool I am, married her young and now have a wife who I'm not really into.. it's having an effect on our relationship - she loves me but I don't know if really love her..I rejoice at the fact when she stays over at her mum's for a week.. that can't be right.. yet I'm scared to breakup because of kids and her life would be tough..

I always think that maybe it has something to do with the grass being greener on the other side.. I guess it's probably that.. nice thread -- I'm glad there are others out there.. happy to PM and discuss with anyone who wants to -- indirectly asking for some advice haa

 

[guy31_M]

Its tough. I have no doubt if we didn't have kids then we would have gone our seperate ways years ago. We very nearly did pre-kids anyway, then thought we'd stick it out.

Now we are basically housemates looking after children than any proper relationship.

That's pretty much my life too. Except that her nitpicking sometimes gets me. (I assume she has her set of peeves against me as well).

 

[Ltimmy82]

My sister stayed in her marriage for nearly 20 years for her kids. I get why people do it and if you're relatively civil, I guess it can work.

Realize though that a lot of kids aren't stupid. They know what's up. They might not know all the details or what's going wrong exactly, but kids are remarkably perceptive. They pick up on things and can sense something is off.

I told my sister for years "you realize the kids know what's going on, right?" They were trying to keep it like mommy and daddy were still together and everything was fine.

She was convinced their kids had no idea. When they finally divorced the kids basically said "what took you so long?"

Kids aint dumb.

But if there's financial and other reasons to do it then sure, I guess it can make sense to do it also.

In my humblest opinion don't do it because you think your kids will turn out screwed up if you don't. Or because you think the illusion of a happy home and marriage will prevent them from becoming messed up over it.

Just my two cents.

 

[Lonelywife1205]

If my husband was a horrible person who did horrible things, I would be gone, but he’s not. He can be mean and hurtful and what i feel is emotionally abusive at times, but it’s nothing I can’t deal with. I will put up with a whole lot in order to make sure that I don’t have to spend one night away from my son. His happiness comes before mine no matter what. At some point when he is grown, I’ll have the opportunity to decide if I want to stay or go, but for now, my focus is on my son’s happiness.

I am kind and sweet to my husband even when he doesn’t deserve it because I will do anything I can to give my son a happy home to grow up in. I give my husband sex and blow jobs whenever he wants because if I’m going to stay in a marriage, I’m going to do everything I can to make it one that fulfills his needs as well.

So, at the end of the day, if it ends up falling apart I will know in my heart that I made a good effort and did my part to keep things together for our son and I will never regret that.

And to be honest, sometimes i do judge people who leave their kids because their marriage isn’t ideal and “they deserve to be happy too”. I think that is selfish. When you have a child, their needs should come first. I realize not everyone will agree with me, but that is just my opinion. If your marriage isn’t perfect, do your part to make as happy of a home as you can. Be kind.

 

[KimGordon67]

If my husband was a horrible person who did horrible things, I would be gone, but he’s not. He can be mean and hurtful and what i feel is emotionally abusive at times, but it’s nothing I can’t deal with. I will put up with a whole lot in order to make sure that I don’t have to spend one night away from my son. His happiness comes before mine no matter what. At some point when he is grown, I’ll have the opportunity to decide if I want to stay or go, but for now, my focus is on my son’s happiness.

I am kind and sweet to my husband even when he doesn’t deserve it because I will do anything I can to give my son a happy home to grow up in. I give my husband sex and blow jobs whenever he wants because if I’m going to stay in a marriage, I’m going to do everything I can to make it one that fulfills his needs as well.

So, at the end of the day, if it ends up falling apart I will know in my heart that I made a good effort and did my part to keep things together for our son and I will never regret that.

And to be honest, sometimes i do judge people who leave their kids because their marriage isn’t ideal and “they deserve to be happy too”. I think that is selfish. When you have a child, their needs should come first. I realize not everyone will agree with me, but that is just my opinion. If your marriage isn’t perfect, do your part to make as happy of a home as you can. Be kind.

I left my husband - I didn't leave my kid. Having your child's needs come first doesn't mean both parents need to be in the same home - for my child, having happy parents actually is more important to him than having parents who live in the same house. He misses me, but we communicate a heap, and missing someone isn't the worst thing in the world. He enjoys the fact that he has homes in two quite different environments. He likes having more cats than would really cope in one household. He likes that me and his dad probably get on better now than we were married. He is growing up in a happy home - it just happens to be *two* happy homes. He knows I would be there for him in a heartbeat, no matter what.

I'm sure there are kids who would be miserable if their parents broke up. I'm sure there are couples for whom separating would cause more problems than staying together. But neither of those things apply to everyone.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

I am kind and sweet to my husband even when he doesn’t deserve it because I will do anything I can to give my son a happy home to grow up in. I give my husband sex and blow jobs whenever he wants because if I’m going to stay in a marriage, I’m going to do everything I can to make it one that fulfills his needs as well.

So, at the end of the day, if it ends up falling apart I will know in my heart that I made a good effort and did my part to keep things together for our son and I will never regret that.

Wish my wife was like that!

I left my first marriage with a 6 and 8 year old. It was tough, as I love being with my kids. I got to see them every other day (and every other weekend) after the divorce, which was alot of shuttling, but totally worth it. The kids grew up fine and are happy and productive adults now.

Right now, I have a very needy 6 year old. He absolutely needs to have a parent around as much as possible (so cannot just put him in extended daycare). So, that makes any decision tough. What's more, our marriage/relationship is not horrible. About 40% of the time I feel it is not great. 10% of the time, I think it is OK. The other half goes in between me just being inside my mind and then sticking it out, or thinking "what-if".

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence. But, I did much better after my first divorce. Just was not fun to go through.

Crap, if we split up now, I would have to leave Europe and go back to the USA. My wife would have a choice to either do the same thing, or stay living in Europe. If she stayed in Europe, I would pretty much never see my son grow up. If she were to move with me to the USA, we would have to sell everything we have (or ship some of it) before moving. We did this 2.5 years ago, and it is not fun to liquidate all of your items (for free), then rebuy them again. It is not just about the money, but the time and headaches of restarting a completely new life (yet again).

So, since my scenario is a crap-crap situation, and the relationship is not worth aborting in favor of the possible outcomes, I just stick around and live day to day to see what comes my way.

 

[lacandy]

I'm sure there are kids who would be miserable if their parents broke up. I'm sure there are couples for whom separating would cause more problems than staying together. But neither of those things apply to everyone.

I think that this is an amazing statement! The end comes down to everyone doing what they feel is right for them and their children. I don’t judge anyone for the decisions that they make to stay or go (my parents were divorced and for the most part I turned out pretty good - okay no comments on that statement from any of you ). The problem I see with this discussion is people often offhandedly judge ME for staying in a marriage that I’m not super happy in (or that is even really a marriage at all these days but more of a coparenting roommate situation). The remark “you deserve to be happy too” is one I’ve heard sooo many times. And it’s not that I think myself a martyr...I’m just not unhappy enough to change things so drastically in my kids lives. Is it the right decision? Who knows? Will my kids one day blame my staying in a marriage that wasn’t fulfilling on some failing of their own? Probably. But they’d blame me divorcing on it too...

My point is, judging people for the decisions they make with all of the knowledge they have is never okay. We each need to do what we can to survive and hope that in the end we send smart and semi well adjusted kids out into the world to make their own mistakes and learn from them.

What's more, our marriage/relationship is not horrible. About 40% of the time I feel it is not great. 10% of the time, I think it is OK. The other half goes in between me just being inside my mind and then sticking it out, or thinking "what-if".


So, since my scenario is a crap-crap situation, and the relationship is not worth aborting in favor of the possible outcomes, I just stick around and live day to day to see what comes my way.

Pretty much this is my whole thought process as well...and until something changes? I always have my little naughty corner of the Internet here at LIT