Being a Dom mean being a jerk?

[Primalex]

A dom does not bark commands. His presence is such that he can seduce and command with nothing more than a glance.

I really want to see how he communicates:"Can you fetch me the leftovers from yesterday?" with his glance.

A dom does not raise his voice. He is the kind of man who gets what he wants without needing to.

He doesn't need his voice, he glances.

He is possessed of a calm, quiet confidence that is evident in his demeanor, the way he walks, the tone of his voice, and all other aspects of him.

Why do people have so much trouble finding a good Dom if they just need to spend 30 minutes at a subway station and watch the people?

A dom understands balance. He knows that while a firm hand and discipline are critical in this type of relationship, knowing when to be gentle and understanding is every bit as important.

So, his firm hand and discipline comes from the way he walks and glances, right? Does he walk more gentle and understanding then?

A dom is a gentleman first and foremost. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a fancy man who values the finer things in life, but he does understand manners and protocol.

Does he need to know how to eat a lobster? Does he lose his Dom status if he asks in a restaurant why there is salt but no pepper on the table?

He orders for her if she is having trouble deciding.

Is he impatient? Or are they dining at McDonalds, where twenty people are waiting behind them?

He treats strangers with courtesy and respect.

Holy shit, I'm glad this is only true for strangers.

He sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door so that he is always between his submissive and an intruder.

But she likes to lie there because it's closer to the bath. Should I discard her wishes? Do I need to get a weapon license and a gun to become the perfect Dom?

He walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street so that an errant vehicle will hit him before his submissive.

Should BDSM couples avoid crossings, where errant vehicles can come from multiple directions?

A dom earns her submission. It is not a thing to be demanded, expected, or assumed. And he continues to earn it, each and every day.

Hell, I even have paid vacation days at work.

Fully submitting your will and trusting your body and well-being to someone takes a kind of strength most can’t imagine, and a dom never loses sight of that.

Who the fuck has to fight errant vehicles with the ferocity of an alpha wolf? You or me?

A dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility.

No, you said it's the way he walks and glances and is confident. Now you say it's all about being an responsible adult.

He is literally taking her life into his hands. He is accepting the most sacred and important thing she has to give. He is taking her burdens and bearing them as his own, always, every day.

I don't think we have the same concept of the term "literally". And did we talk about vacation days already?

A dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be.

He understands that he can't be her protector, lover and master all the time and so he... has to be it all the time? I mean he still has to be everything she needs and I suspect this is everything she needs (maybe even more).


I love this tumblr fantasy shit. It's like back in the teens, when she wrote in her diary, how she wants her first time to be special and roses and finally ends up with a dick in her ass as twen, because sex turned out to be fun and had much less to do with white horses on a beach than she thought.

 

[jezzilee]

He understands that he can't be her protector, lover and master all the time and so he... has to be it all the time? I mean he still has to be everything she needs and I suspect this is everything she needs (maybe even more).


I love this tumblr fantasy shit. It's like back in the teens, when she wrote in her diary, how she wants her first time to be special and roses and finally ends up with a dick in her ass as twen, because sex turned out to be fun and had much less to do with white horses on a beach than she thought.

Primalex, thank you for your response. Tumblr fantasy shit. I have a tumblr. Sometimes I write there, sometimes I post personal pictures there, sometimes I just reblog the gorgeous erotica that I find on my wall. Just depends on my mood. Is it fantasy shit? Depends upon the person and what they are posting I would suspect.

I think a lot of what you stated is tongue in cheek and being taken in a way that was not intended by the author. I understand that this lifestyle is different for every couple. This is just one man's view and how he and his submissive have chosen to live the lifestyle. The anonymous question asker's view, does that ring closer to the truth for you?

"Your submission is not a gift, it's the payment for your very own demons, it's a sacrifice that you have to make to silence the voices of your sexual desires, it's the entrance fee to being reduced to a mindless mess of sexual surrender. I have nothing to do with your submission. I'm just the one who is there when you paid up." -- Primalex

Your signature is very telling of the man behind the Dom. I have no demons, sexual or otherwise. Does that mean I cannot be a submissive? You are right, you have nothing to do with my submission, however you probably have done something to warrant the submission of your sub, if you have one at this time, and it was probably not just happening to be in close proximity to her or him when they decided that they wanted to submit to you.

This lifestyle is very subjective. We each make our own choices as to hard and soft limits and safe words and such. What makes you a good Dom for your sub does not necessarily make you a good Dom for someone else.

 

[Lord_Steve]

I love this tumblr fantasy shit. It's like back in the teens, when she wrote in her diary, how she wants her first time to be special and roses and finally ends up with a dick in her ass as twen, because sex turned out to be fun and had much less to do with white horses on a beach than she thought.

yo are you a lighthouse because you are Projecting

i'm sorry that you're old and that your sex is bad :/

 

[jezzilee]

yo are you a lighthouse because you are Projecting

i'm sorry that you're old and that your sex is bad :/

I don't know primalex, but I would have thought the opposite, quite young.

 

[Primalex]

This is just one man's view and how he and his submissive have chosen to live the lifestyle.

You really believe from the bottom of your heart that he opens the car door for her every time for the next 30 years?

I don't know how much experience you have with women, but let me tell you, after about the fourth time, which means way before she should be your submissive (if you do date in real life and not just pick up your cyber-submissive), she will tell you to stop it, because it becomes awkward and uncomfortable and serves no purpose, unless of course, she really needs help due to the outfit or other reasons.

I have no demons, sexual or otherwise.

Oh, you do. The worst kind, because insatiable.

 

[jezzilee]

You really believe from the bottom of your heart that he opens the car door for her every time for the next 30 years?

I don't know how much experience you have with women, but let me tell you, after about the fourth time, which means way before she should be your submissive (if you do date in real life and not just pick up your cyber-submissive), she will tell you to stop it, because it becomes awkward and uncomfortable and serves no purpose, unless of course, she really needs help due to the outfit or other reasons.

Perhaps that is what works for them.




Oh, you do. The worst kind, because insatiable.

Alright, that made me laugh.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I appreciate the response on this. And when it comes to apologizing it would not be anything of a serious nature. Ex I would be chatting and something came up with a fur child of mine. Without a word I would go take care of them and be gone for hour's.

When I would come back and apologize I was told I am not a real Dom. Dom's don't apologize they just do what they want and there submissive know there place.

I am very much a noob to this world. But when I receive conflicting information I'd like to get it set straight.

If your sub told you THAT, they are not submissive...if you're the Dom and you feel you should apologize, she should follow her own counsel and accept it, instead of being a hypocrite.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Lord_Steve]

You really believe from the bottom of your heart that he opens the car door for her every time for the next 30 years?

I don't know how much experience you have with women, but let me tell you, after about the fourth time, which means way before she should be your submissive (if you do date in real life and not just pick up your cyber-submissive), she will tell you to stop it, because it becomes awkward and uncomfortable and serves no purpose, unless of course, she really needs help due to the outfit or other reasons.

lmao you are trying so hard to establish your dominance. please chill.

 

[MeekMe]

Lovemysub's answer is cute, and I can agree with some of it, but definitely not all of it.

A dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility.

This makes me wonder what the sub should be doing.

A dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be.

When he's tired he should just suck it up and continue taking care of the adultchild because she can't do anything besides take orders and get fucked roughly?

:sigh:

I get what this is supposed to say and I understand that it was in response to a complete twat, but it just paints an impossible picture in my mind. It may work for this particular couple, but he's writing it out as a generalized list of things a dominant should do. Wear many hats, always be on, have weird eye magic, read minds, give orders but do it in the perfect pitch and anything less is wrong...er, bad? Evil, perhaps? It honestly sounds exhausting. If someone felt the need to do that with me I'd just feel like a burden. I'm not interested in being dead weight.

I think I've seen a lot of lists that imply the d-type wears many hats like the ones listed above, but I'm not sure I've seen the same thing applied on the other side. There's a lot of talk about how strong a sub has to be to trust and obey and all that jazz, but the list in question makes me think a d-type has to be superhuman.

 

[Owlcity3]

I'd say that you shouldn't be apologizing profusely. But you should def be taking ownership in saying sorry when you've done something wrong. Yes you are Dom and are in control. But your should be caring for your subs needs and wants. If they don't want you to apologize much then don't.

 

[Owlcity3]

Lovemysub's answer is cute, and I can agree with some of it, but definitely not all of it.

A dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility.

This makes me wonder what the sub should be doing.

A dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be.

When he's tired he should just suck it up and continue taking care of the adultchild because she can't do anything besides take orders and get fucked roughly?

:sigh:

I get what this is supposed to say and I understand that it was in response to a complete twat, but it just paints an impossible picture in my mind. It may work for this particular couple, but he's writing it out as a generalized list of things a dominant should do. Wear many hats, always be on, have weird eye magic, read minds, give orders but do it in the perfect pitch and anything less is wrong...er, bad? Evil, perhaps? It honestly sounds exhausting. If someone felt the need to do that with me I'd just feel like a burden. I'm not interested in being dead weight.

I think I've seen a lot of lists that imply the d-type wears many hats like the ones listed above, but I'm not sure I've seen the same thing applied on the other side. There's a lot of talk about how strong a sub has to be to trust and obey and all that jazz, but the list in question makes me think a d-type has to be superhuman.

+1 to this

 

[julia2442]

Lovemysub's answer is cute, and I can agree with some of it, but definitely not all of it.

A dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility.

This makes me wonder what the sub should be doing.

but the thing is he's writing from the Dom's point of view, right? he's not talking about the sub's conduct, only his...which was the whole intent of the post in the first place. imagine if he had written about how a sub should behave! we'd have ripped him limb from limb by now.

i agree with you on the dead-weight front too, of course.

 

[Primalex]

but the thing is he's writing from the Dom's point of view, right? he's not talking about the sub's conduct, only his...which was the whole intent of the post in the first place. imagine if he had written about how a sub should behave!

This is a gorgeous idea.


"She understands that she can’t just be his lover, confidant, submissive, toy, etc. when she feels like it. There will be days when a submissive is tired. There will be days when she is stressed. There will be days when she is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a submissive to show her master that she is still everything he needs her to be."

 

[SpunThings]

This is a gorgeous idea.


"She understands that she can’t just be his lover, confidant, submissive, toy, etc. when she feels like it. There will be days when a submissive is tired. There will be days when she is stressed. There will be days when she is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a submissive to show her master that she is still everything he needs her to be."

I prefer a relationship where neither partner expects their other to always be on. It kinda fits better into real life. It's nice to aspire to, but sometimes you have to focus on yourself like when you're spewing your guts into the toilette all day, or your body is weak from fever, or you need to deal with a family crisis which requires that the relationship be put on the backburner for a time.

 

[Primalex]

bla

Your irony detector is broken.

 

[SpunThings]

Your irony detector is broken.

A truer statement was never said. I have a tendency to take everything literally.

 

[YouCanCallMeDaddy]

This is a gorgeous idea.


"She understands that she can’t just be his lover, confidant, submissive, toy, etc. when she feels like it. There will be days when a submissive is tired. There will be days when she is stressed. There will be days when she is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a submissive to show her master that she is still everything he needs her to be."

I would argue exactly the opposite. It seems to me when my sub is feeling those negative emotions, it falls upon me, her dom, to show her that her submission to me is a source of strength instead of her weakness. It is absolutely critical for an intelligent dom to take care when taking her to those dark places in her mind with respect to her heightened vulnerability, not in spite of it. If you believe that putting a stressed sub on her knees while she is tired and broken just because "she needs it," you are doing it wrong.

 

[jezzilee]

While I do not adhere to everything that was said in the reply to the wannabe Dom's statements, I do think for this couple, this is what works for them. I read a lot of their blog entries, both His and hers and they seem very happy. I just wanted the OP to know that being a Dom in no way correlates to being a jerk and give an example of a functioning relationship.

 

[BoyNextDoor]

You are right. In my opinion, he nailed it.

That should be required reading for some people

 

[Ropebunny]

Meekme and Primalex know what they're talking about. No one is always 'on', and it's unrealistic and fantastical to expect them to be. I don't care what kind of D/s you do, but if you're telling me that Doms MUST prescribe to some strange chivalrous code of honour to be 'real' then I call bullshit.

The lesson to be learnt here, as in a good percentage of the threads on this board is making blanket statements and expectations of behaviour in stupid and pointless, because you will always be wrong. It is also inconsiderate, especially when I'm pretty certain that the people who preach the loudest about the 'right' way to do BDSM usually have the least experience.


FYI OP, you are a jerk. Your fur son would have survived the 30 secs that it would have taken to reply to whoever and you know it.

 

[jezzilee]

That should be required reading for some people

For some, it is.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Meekme and Primalex know what they're talking about. No one is always 'on', and it's unrealistic and fantastical to expect them to be. I don't care what kind of D/s you do, but if you're telling me that Doms MUST prescribe to some strange chivalrous code of honour to be 'real' then I call bullshit.

The lesson to be learnt here, as in a good percentage of the threads on this board is making blanket statements and expectations of behaviour in stupid and pointless, because you will always be wrong. It is also inconsiderate, especially when I'm pretty certain that the people who preach the loudest about the 'right' way to do BDSM usually have the least experience.


FYI OP, you are a jerk. Your fur son would have survived the 30 secs that it would have taken to reply to whoever and you know it.

This. All of this.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

While traipsing through my tumblr wall I found something that I thought would be good to share here. Of course the submission was anonymous to the Dom in question, but once you read the question and reply I am sure you will see why the asker did not own up to the question and hid behind the cloak of anonymity.

The Question asked of Lovemysub by anonymous:

Been reading ur blog. U need to stop calling urself a dom. All this lovey crap makes real doms sick. A sub is not for respecting and loving. A sub is for using and thats what they like. Its fine that u love ur girl, just dont call urself a dom. Real doms show dominance, use there sub and leave her laying like the cunt slut she is. Bein all sweet, and all that does is give her power over u, which makes u not a dom.

And Lovemysub's answer: (which I think is kind of beautiful)

Hi there, Anon. I almost didn’t even dignify this with a response, but I think you’ve actually given me a good opportunity to say something that new doms need to know, so kudos to you.

First and foremost, let’s establish something right here and now: You don’t get to tell me what I am, and you are damn sure not the leading authority on what does and does not constitute a dominant. For the record, I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be a dom. I never even thought of myself that way until I met belovedsangi 10 years ago. I always had the characteristics of a dom, sure, but I didn’t ever put that title on myself. That title was given to me by my submissive. SHE is the one who wanted to call me Master, and Sir, and sometimes Daddy. I never told her to do these things. But of course, you probably think I am making my point for you and that if I were a REAL domly dom, I would’ve demanded those things.


And that’s where you have a fundamental issue understanding the meaning of the title. So let me help you with that.

A dom does not demand respect. He conducts himself in such a way as to be worthy of respect.

A dom does not bark commands. His presence is such that he can seduce and command with nothing more than a glance.

A dom does not raise his voice. He is the kind of man who gets what he wants without needing to.

A dom is not a braggart. He is possessed of a calm, quiet confidence that is evident in his demeanor, the way he walks, the tone of his voice, and all other aspects of him.

A dom understands balance. He knows that while a firm hand and discipline are critical in this type of relationship, knowing when to be gentle and understanding is every bit as important.

A dom is a gentleman first and foremost. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a fancy man who values the finer things in life, but he does understand manners and protocol. He opens the car door for her. He orders for her if she is having trouble deciding. He treats strangers with courtesy and respect.

A dom is a protector. He makes sure that his submissive feels safe and protected at all times. This means so much more than just telling her you will protect her. A dom shows her. He keeps a hand on her shoulder or on her waist in crowds so she doesn’t get nervous. He sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door so that he is always between his submissive and an intruder. He walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street so that an errant vehicle will hit him before his submissive. If anything or anyone should threaten his submissive, he must be prepared to fight for her with the ferocity of an alpha wolf.

A dom earns her submission. It is not a thing to be demanded, expected, or assumed. And he continues to earn it, each and every day.

A dom values her submission. Fully submitting your will and trusting your body and well-being to someone takes a kind of strength most can’t imagine, and a dom never loses sight of that.

A dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility. He is literally taking her life into his hands. He is accepting the most sacred and important thing she has to give. He is taking her burdens and bearing them as his own, always, every day.

A dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be.


So what does it mean, then, to be a dom? I get the feeling that you, anon, would say that it’s all about making her kneel, having your way with her, shouting orders and using her. Helpful hint: Any jackass can buy himself a whip and bark commands. That’s not a dom. Don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely have my way with belovedsangi. I love it when she kneels. I love the kinky, rough, mind-blowing sex we have. I love to dominate her in the bedroom. But for every moment of that, there are a hundred moments of holding her, of talking to her, laughing with her, gaming with her. There are a hundred moments of making her feel safe when she is afraid, giving her confidence when she is unsure, comforting her when she feels troubled. Those are all things that a dominant does too.


I love my submissive more than I love oxygen. I love my submissive with a fire that can never be extinguished. I value her and respect her in every way. I treat her like a queen and fuck her like a slave. These things don’t make me weak. They don’t make me less of a dominant. These things make me stronger than you can possibly imagine. There is nothing quite so formidable as a dominant who has found the perfect submissive to fuel his fire. Never will you see anyone love so strongly or fight so fiercely.


Bottom line, Anon, is this: you sound like a boy playing at being a man. You decided one day that you were sick of women having willpower and a voice of their own, so you decided to call yourself a dominant and seek out some weak-willed submissive who wouldn’t talk back to you or stick up for herself. You are not a dom. You are a jackass with a whip. Classic case of toodomforyou.

I'm not sure quoting that novel length post is in good form, so my apologies to the thread.

Jezzilee, these are a whole lot of someone else's words here. In my experience, there is no one Dom, no one true way. There are people and the relationships that they form and what works for them.

I do prefer a calm, confident, intelligent, and articulate Dom who expresses his power subtly and loves or at least cares for me, but there are certainly subs who prefer barking commands (and other behaviors on that bad list). Much like there are Dominants who do not care for brats and others who find them intoxicating. Arguing one way, one right or true way, is misguided.

Many aren't doing this within the context of a loving relationship, which would negate much of that list as well. Some really just want a rough fuck, a BDSM sexual relationship only, or just to play. Others are looking for the relationship, subs who need to be treasured and valued toys.

Labeling and judging of kinks is just silly. Your kink, your flavor, is not everyone's.

I still think the OP was wrong to not communicate with his partner that he was going silent.

 

[FelicityJohns]

I won't go into websites I was using. (Not familiar with this site rules) But I was chatting with submissive women.

One thing that was always conflicting for me. Is apologizing and being considerate not typical of a Dominant person?

I've been on both sides of this. And what rings true and makes sense to me from both sides is, you catch more flies with honey. And exactly how does one go about establishing trust without kindness? A Dom's job is not to tell me what I want and when to take it. It is to listen to me, anticipate my needs, and fulfill them. If part of that desire on my part is to be told what I want and when to take it, then that's all well and good. But there's no shortcut to getting there.

Just my two cents