Being a Dom mean being a jerk?

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Each to their own and all that, naturally, but 'fur child'? 'My son'?

Yes. In some cases, even more so.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SpunThings]

Were you discussing D/s with a person, or a partner with whom you'd previously negotiated a power exchange? If the former, then your behavior as a dominant is irrelevant to that person until they and you agree that you're their dominant. If the latter, then if the submissive has a problem with that then they should seek out a partner with whom they're more compatible perhaps.

 

[seela]

Of course there are!
If there wouldn't be any rules, everyone would be a dominant, even the submissives.

Ok. I get your point and maybe should have worded my post differently for clarity.

There are no set guidelines as to how dominance should be acted out or represented, other than calling the shots within the mutually agreed upon parameters.


I'm still not particulatly interested in semantics, so I'm not really interested in taking this conversation much further.

 

[Setanta84]

I have to agree with Primalex that you have a weird definition of considerate. Intentionally making someone feel like they aren't worth your time--wandering off for hours during a conversation without notice--and then 'apologizing' while clearly holding the belief you didn't do anything wrong sort of violates the spirit and definition of both 'apology' and 'consideration.' It's a narcissistic power play.

If you chatted these women up, made it clear that's the kind of person you are, and they made it clear they get off on letting narcissistic people treat them like shit, that's one thing. People complaining about it suggests you treat everyone this way, which means you are more of a raging narcissist and asshole and less of a person practicing this particular lifestyle. BDSM is sort of built on trust and respecting established boundaries.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

I don't partake of this lifestyle, so I only speak as an observer. To me, it's sort of role play. You have to be able to step in and out of the role when real life intervenes. Sure there are people who live it on a more daily basis, but there has to be an out even for those when necessary.

When you go to the vet (doctor, dentist, etc.), you don't take your naked Sub on a leash with you and have them kneel at your feet in the waiting room. Why treat them that way at home or on the web when you have to take care of real life suddenly?


Isn't there a thing about communication? A safe word?

 

[ToPleaseHim]

My dominant partner is highly considerate and has apologized in the past. Dom does not mean asshole.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I don't partake of this lifestyle, so I only speak as an observer. To me, it's sort of role play. You have to be able to step in and out of the role when real life intervenes. Sure there are people who live it on a more daily basis, but there has to be an out even for those when necessary.

When you go to the vet (doctor, dentist, etc.), you don't take your naked Sub on a leash with you and have them kneel at your feet in the waiting room. Why treat them that way at home or on the web when you have to take care of real life suddenly?


Isn't there a thing about communication? A safe word?

It is a power exchange that both partners enjoy or get something out of. You clearly wouldn't be interested, so it's not for you.

Don't assume you understand the breadth of all things kink. I'm a sub and I've never been walked around, naked, on a leash. BDSM is not one size fits all.

 

[Primalex]

Ok. I get your point and maybe should have worded my post differently for clarity.

Maybe you should stay in your area of expertise?

other than calling the shots within the mutually agreed upon parameters.

This is true for any relationship.

 

[SpunThings]

I don't partake of this lifestyle, so I only speak as an observer. To me, it's sort of role play. You have to be able to step in and out of the role when real life intervenes. Sure there are people who live it on a more daily basis, but there has to be an out even for those when necessary.

When you go to the vet (doctor, dentist, etc.), you don't take your naked Sub on a leash with you and have them kneel at your feet in the waiting room. Why treat them that way at home or on the web when you have to take care of real life suddenly?


Isn't there a thing about communication? A safe word?

Some do role play, but not all D/s is role play. Is it role play when you do what your boss says at work because you wouldn't do what they say off the clock? Most don't. You have agreed upon their authority within set parameters, and those parameters could include only within the building of your workplace, or it could extend beyond if you both deem that appropriate.

We have a D/s exchange with sex and intimacy only, but it is not role play. He really is in charge because we both say he is. For some people D/s roles are left at the bedroom door for sex as equals. For some people they don't have sex at all. For some people their dominant is in charge of everything. For others, there are things the submissive partner retains authority over. Sure there are the relationships that fit the stereotype you describe, but there are a lot of relationships where you'd be hard pressed to see an authority exchange at all as an observer.

Safewords work, but some only use them in play. For some, a simple "This isn't working for me." works just as well.

There are many stereotypes about D/s, and the Dom as jerk is one of them. Like others have said, what may seem like jerk behavior to one may be wanted by another. What is degrading to one might be liberating and uplifting to another. As an observer of these types of relationships, I think it would help you to understand that no one relationship can represent all power exchange relationships.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[seela]

This is true for any relationship.

Which only goes to show that every relationship has aspects of power exchange to it. In D/s relationships the exchange just is clearer and usually more comprehensive.

Why do you find this problematic?

 

[BabblingBrooke]

I don't partake of this lifestyle, so I only speak as an observer. To me, it's sort of role play. You have to be able to step in and out of the role when real life intervenes. Sure there are people who live it on a more daily basis, but there has to be an out even for those when necessary.

When you go to the vet (doctor, dentist, etc.), you don't take your naked Sub on a leash with you and have them kneel at your feet in the waiting room. Why treat them that way at home or on the web when you have to take care of real life suddenly?


Isn't there a thing about communication? A safe word?

In my experience, the safe word is the emergency communication during play, the STOP NOW or SONETHING'S WRONG communication. It doesn't really apply to general communication within a BDSM relationship, which is really much like the needed communication in any relationship.

With regards to dropping off online communication to deal with an emergency, a "gotta go, emergency" message takes seconds. On the other end of that conversation, I may have decided the person was an asshole, too. It really depends on whether or not you were engaging in D/s or just two people discussing D/s. Coming back with an explanation within an apology would be absolutely needed for me to consider talking again, if it had been the former. As a sub, being dropped mid-scene would not be easy to handle for most.

 

[strapwelder]

I think humans pretty much always make mistakes. It doesn't make them not good and proper at what ever they are...just human. Knowing we and our partners are human can incorporate knowing how and when to give and receive apologies. Some transgressions i could certainly move past.

I agree, being human is it error. Being wise enough to accept a mistake and humble enough to acknowledge it along with an apology when it's appropriate doesn't make one less of a Dom.
I agree with Gianbattista very well spoken.

 

[FurryFury]

h2g

One of the worse offenses in my book with people only is them just. not. responding.

It's the idea that this online thing that is so damn important is. not. at. all.

A second to type the above would have helped the situation for me.

An explanation later would have helped.

People who have a problem with niceties just have a problem period. Some online jerks are doms or at least thing they are. I can't stand people who are assholes. Although I can enjoy assholes that are assholes.

 

[Primalex]

Which only goes to show that every relationship has aspects of power exchange to it. In D/s relationships the exchange just is clearer and usually more comprehensive.

Why do you find this problematic?

I find it problematic to water down every term until it becomes completely meaningless. A table is not just a big chair without backrest, even if you can't come up with a comprehensive list what a table constitutes.

Watering down dominance to "allowed to do what the partner agreed to" is as belittling as when I would declare that submission is sucking cock at command.

 

[policywank]

Apologizing for a legitimate transgression or rudeness is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of maturity.

Anyone who thinks they never do anything that warrants an apology is a delusional asshole. Anyone who knows they have done something deserving of an apology but refuses to offer it is demonstrating their own insecurity and immaturity.

In a D's context I could imagine a relationship where not apologizing is part of the framework. That is a personal choice for each couple. But is by no means a pre-requisite to being a legitimate and effective Dom.

 

[YouCanCallMeDaddy]

For me, there is an element of being a dom that involves curt language and foul name calling in a scene. The thing is, we carefully waded into it and she is never left with any doubt as to my unending affection for her. So when She buckles a bit under rudeness it is because she wishes to submit that way. When it's done, the scene is over and we are laughing about stupid cat pictures on the internet, I would never use abrasive language to her. I am still her dom in many aspects of her life, but that is not the dynamic. She needs to feel the love being poured into her and, frankly, I need to pour that love into her as well.

 

[jezzilee]

While traipsing through my tumblr wall I found something that I thought would be good to share here. Of course the submission was anonymous to the Dom in question, but once you read the question and reply I am sure you will see why the asker did not own up to the question and hid behind the cloak of anonymity.

The Question asked of Lovemysub by anonymous:

Been reading ur blog. U need to stop calling urself a dom. All this lovey crap makes real doms sick. A sub is not for respecting and loving. A sub is for using and thats what they like. Its fine that u love ur girl, just dont call urself a dom. Real doms show dominance, use there sub and leave her laying like the cunt slut she is. Bein all sweet, and all that does is give her power over u, which makes u not a dom.

And Lovemysub's answer: (which I think is kind of beautiful)

Hi there, Anon. I almost didn’t even dignify this with a response, but I think you’ve actually given me a good opportunity to say something that new doms need to know, so kudos to you.

First and foremost, let’s establish something right here and now: You don’t get to tell me what I am, and you are damn sure not the leading authority on what does and does not constitute a dominant. For the record, I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be a dom. I never even thought of myself that way until I met belovedsangi 10 years ago. I always had the characteristics of a dom, sure, but I didn’t ever put that title on myself. That title was given to me by my submissive. SHE is the one who wanted to call me Master, and Sir, and sometimes Daddy. I never told her to do these things. But of course, you probably think I am making my point for you and that if I were a REAL domly dom, I would’ve demanded those things.


And that’s where you have a fundamental issue understanding the meaning of the title. So let me help you with that.

A dom does not demand respect. He conducts himself in such a way as to be worthy of respect.

A dom does not bark commands. His presence is such that he can seduce and command with nothing more than a glance.

A dom does not raise his voice. He is the kind of man who gets what he wants without needing to.

A dom is not a braggart. He is possessed of a calm, quiet confidence that is evident in his demeanor, the way he walks, the tone of his voice, and all other aspects of him.

A dom understands balance. He knows that while a firm hand and discipline are critical in this type of relationship, knowing when to be gentle and understanding is every bit as important.

A dom is a gentleman first and foremost. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a fancy man who values the finer things in life, but he does understand manners and protocol. He opens the car door for her. He orders for her if she is having trouble deciding. He treats strangers with courtesy and respect.

A dom is a protector. He makes sure that his submissive feels safe and protected at all times. This means so much more than just telling her you will protect her. A dom shows her. He keeps a hand on her shoulder or on her waist in crowds so she doesn’t get nervous. He sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door so that he is always between his submissive and an intruder. He walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street so that an errant vehicle will hit him before his submissive. If anything or anyone should threaten his submissive, he must be prepared to fight for her with the ferocity of an alpha wolf.

A dom earns her submission. It is not a thing to be demanded, expected, or assumed. And he continues to earn it, each and every day.

A dom values her submission. Fully submitting your will and trusting your body and well-being to someone takes a kind of strength most can’t imagine, and a dom never loses sight of that.

A dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility. He is literally taking her life into his hands. He is accepting the most sacred and important thing she has to give. He is taking her burdens and bearing them as his own, always, every day.

A dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be.


So what does it mean, then, to be a dom? I get the feeling that you, anon, would say that it’s all about making her kneel, having your way with her, shouting orders and using her. Helpful hint: Any jackass can buy himself a whip and bark commands. That’s not a dom. Don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely have my way with belovedsangi. I love it when she kneels. I love the kinky, rough, mind-blowing sex we have. I love to dominate her in the bedroom. But for every moment of that, there are a hundred moments of holding her, of talking to her, laughing with her, gaming with her. There are a hundred moments of making her feel safe when she is afraid, giving her confidence when she is unsure, comforting her when she feels troubled. Those are all things that a dominant does too.


I love my submissive more than I love oxygen. I love my submissive with a fire that can never be extinguished. I value her and respect her in every way. I treat her like a queen and fuck her like a slave. These things don’t make me weak. They don’t make me less of a dominant. These things make me stronger than you can possibly imagine. There is nothing quite so formidable as a dominant who has found the perfect submissive to fuel his fire. Never will you see anyone love so strongly or fight so fiercely.


Bottom line, Anon, is this: you sound like a boy playing at being a man. You decided one day that you were sick of women having willpower and a voice of their own, so you decided to call yourself a dominant and seek out some weak-willed submissive who wouldn’t talk back to you or stick up for herself. You are not a dom. You are a jackass with a whip. Classic case of toodomforyou.

 

[Primalex]

...

Are we still talking about a human

 

[jezzilee]

Are we still talking about a human

Perhaps you should rephrase your question.

 

[julia2442]

And Lovemysub's answer: (which I think is kind of beautiful)[/B]

agreed 100%. and not just "kind of," either.

 

[jezzilee]

agreed 100%. and not just "kind of," either.

You are right. In my opinion, he nailed it.

 

[Blase]

I agree with Lovemysub's answer.

But did anyone else find that the tone reminded them irresistably of the famous Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus editorial?

 

[jezzilee]

I agree with Lovemysub's answer.

But did anyone else find that the tone reminded them irresistably of the famous Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus editorial?

Maybe it is the season? I can understand what you are saying.