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LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Tell a Joke

My computer asked me to enter a password with 8 characters....so I chose snow white and the seven dwarfs
 
The Gold Urinal
Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!
That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"
Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom,
Bill had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:
"I found out who pee-ed in your saxophone."
 
Two Mexicans are driving along a pitch-black country road. All of a sudden, there's a thump.

"Hey, Pedro, I tink we heet a cat," said the passenger.

"Why is dat, Jose?" asked the driver.

"Because I heard someting go 'meow,'" Jose replied.

A few minutes later, another thump, this one a bit bigger.

"Hey, Pedro, I tink we heet a dog," said Jose.

"Why is dat, Jose?" asked Pedro.

"Because I heard someting go 'woof,'" Jose replied.

Finally, a few minutes later, another thump, this one much louder.

"Hey, Pedro, I tink we heet a man from Florida," said Jose.

"From Florida?" asked Pedro. "How do you know he from Florida?"

"Because I heard him say someting about 'Sunny Beaches."
 
JOHN HINKLEY'S RELEASE

Nancy Reagan regarding John Hinckley's release: We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady. You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting Ronnie.

We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
 
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS...

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary, huh? It means 75% are left out there untreated!
 
The irony of government

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing
the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us to
"Please Do Not Feed the Animals."


Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will
not learn to take care of themselves.

DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
A golf story---kind of.........

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a real golfer who lived in a villa on the
golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Willis," he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa,
rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,
"but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know any thing. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"
 
Good News From The Kitchen



http://michaelscomments.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/gillianmckeith.jpg?w=300&h=237


This woman is 51 yrs old.
She is TV health guru Gillian McKeith, advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and health, and promoting exercise, a vegetarian diet which is high in organic fruits and vegetables. She recommends detox diets, colonic irrigation, and supplements.

http://michaelscomments.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/nigellalawson.jpg?w=205&h=300

This woman is also 51.
She is Nigella Lawson... a TV cook, who eats meat, butter, chocolate and desserts ..... and, she washes it all down with wine!

I REST MY CASE.
 
Breast Implants, Viagra and Aizheimers

There is more money being spent on breast implants and


Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.



This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly



population with perky boobs and erections and



absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on . . . It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."
His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,

"No kidding... I'm in Congress too. What state do you represent?
 
Groaners....

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
We ’ re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro? what a rip off!
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
 
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself...?".

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then...?'

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
 
Cucumbers, What Else Are They Good For? Absolutely....Well Quite A Bit actually. Soooo, When you Finish With It, Here Are Other Things To Use It For...
Other Things You Can Do With A Cucumber...

1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need
every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin
B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin
B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron,
Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and
Zinc.

2. Feeling tired in the afternoon,
put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a
cucumber. Cucumbers are a good source of B
Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that
quick pick-me-up that can last for
hours.

3. Tired of your bathroom mirror
fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a
cucumber slice along the mirror, it will
eliminate the fog and provide a soothing,
spa-like fragrance.

4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds? Place a few
slices in a small pie tin and your garden will
be free of pests all season long. The chemicals
in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give
off a scent undetectable to humans but drive
garden pests crazy and make them flee the
area.

5. Looking for a
fast and easy way to remove cellulite before
going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or
two of cucumbers along your problem area for a
few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber
cause the collagen in your skin to tighten,
firming up the outer layer and reducing the
visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles
too!!!

6. Want to avoid a hangover or
terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices
before going to bed and wake up refreshed and
headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B
vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential
nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in
equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and
headache!!

7. Looking to fight off that
afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers
have been used for centuries and often used by
European trappers, traders and explores for
quick meals to thwart off starvation.

8. Have an important meeting or job interview and
you realize that you don't have enough time to
polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber
over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a
quick and durable shine that not only looks
great but also repels water.


9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a
cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic
hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone!

10. Stressed out and don't have time for massage,
facial or visit to the spa? Cut up an entire
cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water,
the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber
will react with the boiling water and be
released in the steam, creating a soothing,
relaxing aroma that has been shown to reduce
stress in new mothers and college students
during final exams.

11. Just finish a business lunch and realize you don't have gum or
mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to
the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30
seconds to eliminate bad breath, the
phytochemcials will kill the bacteria in your
mouth responsible for causing bad
breath.

12. Looking for a 'green' way to
clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel?
Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the
surface you want to clean, not only will it
remove years of tarnish and bring back the
shine, but is won't leave streaks and won't harm
you fingers or fingernails while you
clean.


13. Using a pen and made a mistake? Take the outside of the
cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen
writing, also works great on crayons and markers
that the kids have used to decorate the
walls!!
 
Busy afternoon......I snort laughed at the peanut joke! Keep up the good work! I check in every night to see what new funnies you have posted. Thanks a million for the laughs.
 
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A blonde drops off her little black dress at the cleaners.

On her way out the door the lady at the counter says, "Come again."

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time, you nosey bitch."
 
New Jokes about the Idiots in Washington



There are classes of people in America that are more reprehensible than politicians. Child molesters, for instance. And I’m sure if I thought about it for a few more days, I could augment that list.

So let’s have some fun mocking these jerks, and if they complain, we should remind them that they’re lucky that we don’t copy other nations and put them on trial for economic negligence.

My favorite joke in this bunch is the one about Putin from Craig Ferguson. Reminds me of this Castro joke by Leno.

Jay Leno

It was 100 degrees in New York City. It was so hot, you know Solyndra, the solar company? They actually made money.

It was so hot, Attorney General Eric Holder was selling water guns to Mexican drug gangs.
According to federal reports filed yesterday, the Obama campaign spent more money than they raised in the month of May. They spent more money than they raised? Well, that’s called being a Democrat

There is a record heat wave back east, close to 100 degrees in New York City. The temperatures are higher than President Obama was in high school.

In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they’re being paid to protest. They said they’re being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn’t creating any new jobs?

For the first time ever, Asians are immigrating to this country more than any other minority group. But unlike other groups, Asian immigrants are just here to do the jobs Americans aren’t smart enough to do.

Our space probe, Voyager 1, launched back in 1977, is 11 billion miles in space. It’s on the verge of leaving our solar system on its mission to find other civilizations to try and borrow money from.

President Obama spent about four hours on Father’s Day playing golf at a country club in Chicago. It was his 100th round of golf since taking office. He’s played more golf than Tiger Woods in the last four years.

Actually, Obama’s staff is a little concerned. They’re concerned all this golf is cutting into his fund-raising.

President Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country. But there is an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November.
There was a report in the paper today that the city of Detroit will go broke in two weeks. Are you surprised by that? Didn’t you think Detroit went broke, like, 10 years ago?

Republican Senator John McCain and Democrat Harry Reid have called for the federal government to step in and help regulate the sport of boxing. Is that a good idea — something so corrupt and unethical attempting to regulate something so corrupt and unethical?

Guantanamo Bay is getting millions and millions of dollars of upgrades and renovations. In fact, they’re not even calling it a detention camp anymore. It’s now a gated community.
Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.
Guantanamo Bay is now undergoing millions of dollars worth of renovations, including a new soccer field, cable TV, and better housing. Which is kind of ironic. The only people who say they’re better off today than they were four years ago are the inmates at Guantanamo Bay.
CNBC is reporting that America lost 129,000 millionaires last year. Or as Mitt Romney calls them, “an endangered species we have to protect.”

Former Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak has been sentenced to life in prison. You know, it’s too bad we couldn’t get the John Edwards trial moved to Egypt.


David Letterman

By the way, when you buy the ticket for the new Abe Lincoln vampire movie, all of the facts and activities in the movie have been authenticated by historian Doris Kearns Goodwin.
Hey, guess who’s gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.
Conan

Mitt Romney has accused President Obama of pandering to the Latino community. The president said he’s too busy to comment because he’s watching Telemundo and eating chalupas.
Over the weekend President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, “Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country.”
President Obama is coming to Chicago this weekend. Obama is introducing his new economic plan as part of the Just For Laughs Festival.
It’s great to be back in Chicago. Illinois Rep. Derek Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he’s found guilty, he could serve up to four years as the state’s governor.
The last time I did a late-night show in Chicago, my guest was an up-and-coming senator called Barack Obama. And now just six short years later, he’s gone on to become a socialist Muslim from Kenya.


Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that only 31 percent of Americans would want to sit next to Mitt Romney on a flight. Romney was so upset, he was like, “I don’t understand. How would they get on my private jet?”
Today President Obama used his executive privileges to withhold documents about the weapons operation called Fast and Furious. I don’t know what’s scarier — that we can’t see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies.
Yesterday, President Obama played his 100th round of golf since taking office. You could tell it was Obama, because he finished about 14 trillion over par.
A new study found that Republicans are more likely to go to Dunkin’ Donuts, while Democrats are more likely to get their breakfast at Starbucks. While Governor Chris Christie takes the bipartisan route and gets a breakfast from each.
Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.
Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa, and had trouble thinking of the word for doughnut. Newt Gingrich merely responded, “That never would have happened if I were the nominee.”
A new report found that Mitt Romney’s economic plan would not have any effect on unemployment. When he heard that Romney’s plan wouldn’t make any difference, Obama was like, “Hey, that’s MY thing!”
Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible.
A new survey found that Mitt Romney is ahead of Obama among those who make $36,000-$90,000. Or as Romney put it, “And they said I can’t connect with the poor.”


Jimmy Kimmel

For the first time in history, the number of Asian immigrants coming into America is larger than the number of Hispanic immigrants. Now even our immigrants are being made in China.
Craig Ferguson

It’s a great day for our president. He’s down in Mexico for the G-20 Summit. Today he met with Russia’s Vladimir Putin. He said “I think your communist policies are a danger to the world.” There’s no word on how Obama responded.
The original “Dallas” series started in 1978. Back then, America was very different. We had an ineffective, one-term president. Gas prices were through the roof. We were in a stand-off with Iran. I’m glad those dark days are over.
 
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