caution for new subs

[DominateMePleas]

*closes eyes, bites lower lip, deep breath*


I have a story of caution to tell. if this helps only one, I shall be .... well... slightly relieved that my experience helped another avoid the following:

I thought I was safe. learned that I was not. I thought knowing how dangerous it is to be me, that I could avoid this. I couldn't. with hubris, I thought that from my domestic violence experience and the fact I have attracted predators my entire life, that I would easily spot any predator I interacted with. I was wrong. very very wrong...

*pauses, takes another deep breath*


I ceased my search for a Dom once I realized I needed to heal. to stop and follow the excellent advice in this site, especially:

BDSM Library
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=266656

The Blank Manual
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=243894

and in my first post (huuuuuge thanks for those who replied. I suck. meant to follow up... *sigh*)
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=796404


I thought that since I was playing (exploring what I want and wish to avoid), I was safe. I thought that since it was "only" online and phone, that I was safe. boy was I wrong.

one that I played with, had managed to train me, without my knowledge nor consent, to be his slave *GROWLS*

since he did this on the sly, he was unable to place controls where he and only he could prompt a response from me to those verbal commands. he was so sure of me, he admitted that he started training me as a slave from day one. *SNARLS*

so I beseech you, other subs, to not ignore ANYTHING that makes you uncomfortable.

to stop and ask questions, even if you're "only" playing....

to stop and ask what his/her definition is of a sub, a slave, etc. verify you understand. do not assume anything. ask probing questions, such as "when you say ____, what do you mean"

sidenote: I have asked this question on even the simplest answers and have almost always been pleasantly surprised by what I learned since I did not allow myself to assume...

other subs, feel free to PM me if you have questions or need clarification. there are some things I cannot share, for my own safety....

please contact others who are more experienced. read. learn. explore.

many I approached here are warm, wonderful, intriguing, fascinating people. who are willing to share. who are extremely approachable. others....not so much.... *wry grin*


and for all but a few of my former "playmates" and platonic friends I met here: thank you for being you. thank you for helping me confront my inner demons and defeat my life long fear of men. and for the HOURS of INTENSE pleasure, the multiple upon multiple orgasms. you all know I wish you the best. one of these days I'm actually going to list ALL my warm wishes for you wonderful, caring, beautiful men. you know who you are. and I wish you could see yourself all the time the way I see you...oooooh my!!!! *radiant smile*

 

[alchemyandlaughter]

A Journey of 1000 Miles.....

The Wolf in Sheep's clothing......aka, the Predator, is someone to always be on the lookout for....lol....especially on this site.

Maybe, when you are ready to try again, you'll yield better results looking for the Sheep in Wolf's clothing (especially on this site...lol).

I don't mean to sound trite here. I am very happy you listened to the voice in your head that yelled at you to Run.....cause one way or another, you weren't quite as ready as you were expected to be for the situation you were in with this guy. And you obviously came to your senses in time.

I think it's a great idea that you've started a new thread for us new subs. I'd like to help keep it alive, so I'm posting...to do my bit. You've given great advice here, and provided some good links.

I just wanted to offer my hand in friendship, as I support your decision to take whatever time you need to heal. You want to start this portion of your life as intact as possible, if you want to get the most out of it.

Good Luck to You.... don't give this guy Power over You that he no longer has....just walk away and move forward. Don't punish yourself for stumbling. We All stumble on occasion.....

 

[Cattypuss]

so I beseech you

ROFLMAO

Sorry - is this 2012 or 1612?

 

[Kurokami]

ROFLMAO

Sorry - is this 2012 or 1612?

Aww, come on, Catty! This is Literotica! The occasional rarely used or anachronistic word should be encouraged!

 

[DVS]

*closes eyes, bites lower lip, deep breath*


I have a story of caution to tell. if this helps only one, I shall be .... well... slightly relieved that my experience helped another avoid the following:

I thought I was safe. learned that I was not. I thought knowing how dangerous it is to be me, that I could avoid this. I couldn't. with hubris, I thought that from my domestic violence experience and the fact I have attracted predators my entire life, that I would easily spot any predator I interacted with. I was wrong. very very wrong...

*pauses, takes another deep breath*


I ceased my search for a Dom once I realized I needed to heal. to stop and follow the excellent advice in this site, especially:

BDSM Library
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=266656

The Blank Manual
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=243894

and in my first post (huuuuuge thanks for those who replied. I suck. meant to follow up... *sigh*)
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=796404


I thought that since I was playing (exploring what I want and wish to avoid), I was safe. I thought that since it was "only" online and phone, that I was safe. boy was I wrong.

one that I played with, had managed to train me, without my knowledge nor consent, to be his slave *GROWLS*

since he did this on the sly, he was unable to place controls where he and only he could prompt a response from me to those verbal commands. he was so sure of me, he admitted that he started training me as a slave from day one. *SNARLS*

so I beseech you, other subs, to not ignore ANYTHING that makes you uncomfortable.

to stop and ask questions, even if you're "only" playing....

to stop and ask what his/her definition is of a sub, a slave, etc. verify you understand. do not assume anything. ask probing questions, such as "when you say ____, what do you mean"

sidenote: I have asked this question on even the simplest answers and have almost always been pleasantly surprised by what I learned since I did not allow myself to assume...

other subs, feel free to PM me if you have questions or need clarification. there are some things I cannot share, for my own safety....

please contact others who are more experienced. read. learn. explore.

many I approached here are warm, wonderful, intriguing, fascinating people. who are willing to share. who are extremely approachable. others....not so much.... *wry grin*


and for all but a few of my former "playmates" and platonic friends I met here: thank you for being you. thank you for helping me confront my inner demons and defeat my life long fear of men. and for the HOURS of INTENSE pleasure, the multiple upon multiple orgasms. you all know I wish you the best. one of these days I'm actually going to list ALL my warm wishes for you wonderful, caring, beautiful men. you know who you are. and I wish you could see yourself all the time the way I see you...oooooh my!!!! *radiant smile*

So many threads similar to this...too many. I hope everything works out for you. I always hate that the predators are out there looking for the unsuspecting and maybe even naive newbie. But it's not just in BDSM relationships. It's throughout the world and in all walks of life. It just seems so much worse when someone is exploring their sexual cravings, wanting so much to find others who can share and satisfy those needs.

Still, it happens and I've never liked how the creeps out there seem to hover around BDSM. They make it so much worse for someone to innocently explore and experiment, hurting those who were just looking for a friend.

 

[4bidnfruit]

To be honest, it’s a weak cautionary post. Be careful because in the end, you will walk away with great memories, multiple orgasms, and free of your life long fears.

This would have been a nice addition to your first thread.

It isn’t easy taking advice from those that enjoy wallowing in chaos.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You might need to reread, 4bidnfruit. She's talking about two different things, although that's rather obscured by poesy.

 

[CutieMouse]

BTW, I'm in a brutally blunt mood today, because these sorts of threads are all too common...

[snippage]

I thought that since I was playing (exploring what I want and wish to avoid), I was safe. I thought that since it was "only" online and phone, that I was safe. boy was I wrong.

one that I played with, had managed to train me, without my knowledge nor consent, to be his slave *GROWLS*

since he did this on the sly, he was unable to place controls where he and only he could prompt a response from me to those verbal commands. he was so sure of me, he admitted that he started training me as a slave from day one. *SNARLS*

Okay, wait a second... I'm sorry you engaged in some online/phone sex that made you uncomfortable and your boundaries were violated, but no one can "train you" to be a slave without your knowledge/awareness/consent.

By participating in the cyber/phone activity, you agreed *on some level* to participate. It would be far better/more empowering for you to *own that*, than play the victim role. Yes, cyber/phone sex can get emotional and intense, yes there can be long lasting effects [insert my common rant about orgasm control here], but official title ["slave", etc] or not - you made the decision to "go there" with this person.

That doesn't make him a bad dominant, or you a submissive victim... it means you had different ideas of how things worked, and discovered you weren't as compatible as you thought.

so I beseech you, other subs, to not ignore ANYTHING that makes you uncomfortable.

to stop and ask questions, even if you're "only" playing....

to stop and ask what his/her definition is of a sub, a slave, etc. verify you understand. do not assume anything. ask probing questions, such as "when you say ____, what do you mean"

Or, alternatively, actually get to know people (online or off) before bottoming to them. Your join date is Dec. 24, '11. Which means that in less than 2 months, you've already found (and felt burned by) an online dominant partner, as well as engage in cyber sex with several "playmates".

Slow.the fuck. down.

If you have a history of bad [abusive] relationships, fix that before entering something new. Bottom instead of submitting. Maintain some [strong] boundaries and cut off people who disrespect them. Stay single (and possible celibate) for 6 months or so to get your head on straight. Yes, read/ask questions/do the munch thing if you like, but avoid situations where lust is the deciding factor - because lust will always tell you to ignore XYZ in favor of lust.

[more snippage]

other subs, feel free to PM me if you have questions or need clarification. there are some things I cannot share, for my own safety....

Really? Seriously? Because on the surface that sounds victimizing and histrionic. If in the space of 6 weeks, you have jeopardized your safety [personal, physical, financial, whatever] because of an online/phone dalliance... I am going to expand my advice to be single (and possibly celibate) to 12 months while you sort yourself out.

please contact others who are more experienced. read. learn. explore.

Which, I believe you were advised to do... although it appears you jumped straight into "exploring", given that you have all of FIVE posts, only two of which are in BDSM Talk/Cafe (the non-cyber sex advice/resource side of things).

and for all but a few of my former "playmates" and platonic friends I met here: thank you for being you. thank you for helping me confront my inner demons and defeat my life long fear of men. and for the HOURS of INTENSE pleasure, the multiple upon multiple orgasms. you all know I wish you the best. one of these days I'm actually going to list ALL my warm wishes for you wonderful, caring, beautiful men. you know who you are. and I wish you could see yourself all the time the way I see you...oooooh my!!!! *radiant smile*

Yep... you got laid through the computer, had some kinky cyber sex, and completely ignored all the "advice" you requested in your first post on the forum... which, I'm sure, created a flood of PMs, resulting in aforementioned hawt hawt cyber sex. Which was awesome - right up until you realized some horrible horrible evil evil [self-professed] dominant wasn't looking at things the same way as you, resulting in this thread "warning" all the other weak little newbie submissives out there to be wary of all the big bad dominant men lurking online.

 

[4bidnfruit]

You might need to reread, 4bidnfruit. She's talking about two different things, although that's rather obscured by poesy.

Yeah, let’s go with that one. It is a much kinder reason when looking foolish.

I did notice she was talking about two different things but the reward does sound like it is worth the risk.

I apologize DominateMePleas for twisting your words. I was just being a bitch and that was wrong of me.

 

[forgotten_moral]

This actually reminds me of something that I heard about happening on here over the summer but what I heard about happened on a much broader scale. There was a guy here on Lit that would look for subs and would use audio hypnosis on them to force submission without their conscious knowledge. He would set a certain instruction into the initial talk (was usually done over a communication program like skype or yahoo) and would have the person download audio files that would continue the enslavement at least weekly.

People, especially these fake doms, need to get their heads checked out as there are too many crazies on this site. Some crazies are the good kind but when you endanger a person or your own sub (outside of the limits placed or when it is non-consensual), you begin to walk a thin line between a dom and an abuser.

 

[Loverskitten]

This actually reminds me of something that I heard about happening on here over the summer but what I heard about happened on a much broader scale. There was a guy here on Lit that would look for subs and would use audio hypnosis on them to force submission without their conscious knowledge. He would set a certain instruction into the initial talk (was usually done over a communication program like skype or yahoo) and would have the person download audio files that would continue the enslavement at least weekly.

People, especially these fake doms, need to get their heads checked out as there are too many crazies on this site. Some crazies are the good kind but when you endanger a person or your own sub (outside of the limits placed or when it is non-consensual), you begin to walk a thin line between a dom and an abuser.

Sorry, but this is comical to me. Yep I'm a control freak, I can't be hypnotized if I try (and I have) but come on... Audio hypnosis? From some stranger on the net? You have to consent a bit, relax, listen, etc. So they were just as willing as someone who gets taken by a Nigerian prince who can't get his inheritance.
I think these desperate "subs" are the ones that need head checking. Wake up!

 

[Loverskitten]

And I must add
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x-fkSYDtUY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

 

[barelytrained]

DominateMePleas..........I am somewhat new to BDSM and I am so sorry that you had such a bad experience. I want to thank you for being strong enough to share with everyone on Lit. I am sure it will benefit and help many new subs out there and I wish you the best of luck always.

 

[switchbitch]

Sorry, but this is comical to me. Yep I'm a control freak, I can't be hypnotized if I try (and I have) but come on... Audio hypnosis? From some stranger on the net? You have to consent a bit, relax, listen, etc. So they were just as willing as someone who gets taken by a Nigerian prince who can't get his inheritance.
I think these desperate "subs" are the ones that need head checking. Wake up!

In this case I disagree, said hypnotist managed to make some totally unknown content lodge on my computer without my knowledge or consent. I am a bloody strong-willed woman who thought, having been told many times that I was a 'bad subject' for hypnosis , I like you thought it a ludicrous idea that anyone could achieve this kind of mental conditioning without my full cooperation.
I was curious and you know what they say about curiosity! He sent me a tape with an understanding that it was basically a sexual turn on and relaxation tape. I believe his exact words were the sound of my voice will probably bore you to sleep. It seemed kind of peaceful and boring as he said and it wasn't until later I realised I had lost time. At which time I stopped talking to him entirely. So I thought!I didn't think anything more about it for a couple of months until I heard someone else was having a problem with him so I thought perhaps I would get someone else do to have a look at the tape that he sent me. I won't bore you with the details of the instructions in that tape, since they were objectionable and required that I contact him again and again with out my knowledge. And I thought of course this was impossible and could not have happened and then I found several other tapes from him on my computer that I have no memory of ever getting. I had contacted him many times according to the history on my computer and I have no memory of it and I am not one to forget. I had a professional clear out my computer and sought skilled help to make sure that his disgusting non consensual post-hypnotic suggestions were removed and then I contacted the authorities and had him reported.
you may guess from my post that I was angry and felt violated in the extreme.
Quite apart from the fact that I felt incredibly embarrassed that in my hubris felt sure that this could not possibly happen to me of all people.
Once bitten very much twice shy!

 

[subwannabe]

Sometimes it seems like there are only two types of online personalities. Those that are so gullable they believe everything and those that are so cautious they believe nothing. I know there are other kinds out there but they seem to get fewer and fewer. My only main advice is to not be so gullable that you believe everything.

 

[Loverskitten]

In this case I disagree, said hypnotist managed to make some totally unknown content lodge on my computer without my knowledge or consent. I am a bloody strong-willed woman who thought, having been told many times that I was a 'bad subject' for hypnosis , I like you thought it a ludicrous idea that anyone could achieve this kind of mental conditioning without my full cooperation.
I was curious and you know what they say about curiosity! He sent me a tape with an understanding that it was basically a sexual turn on and relaxation tape. I believe his exact words were the sound of my voice will probably bore you to sleep. It seemed kind of peaceful and boring as he said and it wasn't until later I realised I had lost time. At which time I stopped talking to him entirely. So I thought!I didn't think anything more about it for a couple of months until I heard someone else was having a problem with him so I thought perhaps I would get someone else do to have a look at the tape that he sent me. I won't bore you with the details of the instructions in that tape, since they were objectionable and required that I contact him again and again with out my knowledge. And I thought of course this was impossible and could not have happened and then I found several other tapes from him on my computer that I have no memory of ever getting. I had contacted him many times according to the history on my computer and I have no memory of it and I am not one to forget. I had a professional clear out my computer and sought skilled help to make sure that his disgusting non consensual post-hypnotic suggestions were removed and then I contacted the authorities and had him reported.
you may guess from my post that I was angry and felt violated in the extreme.
Quite apart from the fact that I felt incredibly embarrassed that in my hubris felt sure that this could not possibly happen to me of all people.
Once bitten very much twice shy!

Holy crap! Ok I appologise to you, I know you are a strong woman. I didn't think what you described possible.
Actually, before I responded, I read the "erotic hypnosis" thread and there seems some people just far to eager to give complete control to a stranger. A freaking stranger!
I've also been tired of hearing all these young "subs" also jumping at the chance to give "whoeverthehellDom" complete control. So I have been salty.

I appreciate you telling your story, especially admitting embarrassment. I am shocked and sorry

 

[Loverskitten]

I also saw a investigative program about a guy who would pose as women on message boards, like support groups and suicide hotline type boards. He would befriend women and talk them into making suicide pacts with her (really a him) resulting in several deaths. Some other posters caught on to this guy, but there was no way to charge him.
Not like your situation, switchbitch, but also so scary.
People are far too trusting, and the Internet is a predator's playground. Yet hop on over to the BDSM personals and read all the desperate to be dominated posts.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... one of these days I'm actually going to list ALL my warm wishes for you wonderful, caring, beautiful men. you know who you are. and I wish you could see yourself all the time the way I see you...oooooh my!!!! *radiant smile*

*bats his eyes, giggles and gives a little hair flip, then looks coyly over his shoulder...*

Uh huh.

Yeah, right.

Someone has been drinking the cyber kool-aid again.

I'ma hush now, I'm in a really snarky mood today for some reason.

 

[CutieMouse]

Geoff! Yaaaaay it's a rare EG sighting! With hair flips & everything!

 

[forgotten_moral]

In this case I disagree, said hypnotist managed to make some totally unknown content lodge on my computer without my knowledge or consent. I am a bloody strong-willed woman who thought, having been told many times that I was a 'bad subject' for hypnosis , I like you thought it a ludicrous idea that anyone could achieve this kind of mental conditioning without my full cooperation.
I was curious and you know what they say about curiosity! He sent me a tape with an understanding that it was basically a sexual turn on and relaxation tape. I believe his exact words were the sound of my voice will probably bore you to sleep. It seemed kind of peaceful and boring as he said and it wasn't until later I realised I had lost time. At which time I stopped talking to him entirely. So I thought!I didn't think anything more about it for a couple of months until I heard someone else was having a problem with him so I thought perhaps I would get someone else do to have a look at the tape that he sent me. I won't bore you with the details of the instructions in that tape, since they were objectionable and required that I contact him again and again with out my knowledge. And I thought of course this was impossible and could not have happened and then I found several other tapes from him on my computer that I have no memory of ever getting. I had contacted him many times according to the history on my computer and I have no memory of it and I am not one to forget. I had a professional clear out my computer and sought skilled help to make sure that his disgusting non consensual post-hypnotic suggestions were removed and then I contacted the authorities and had him reported.
you may guess from my post that I was angry and felt violated in the extreme.
Quite apart from the fact that I felt incredibly embarrassed that in my hubris felt sure that this could not possibly happen to me of all people.
Once bitten very much twice shy!

Hey there, switchbitch. That is the exact guy that I was talking about.

When it comes to D/S relationships, I am the type of guy that is very particular about things being upfront with my sub and let the sub know what is going to happen. In my opinion, true submission is given over to the dom/domme by the submissive and to force it through violence (I don't mean S&M), blackmail, or unknowing hypnotism is nothing but a form of rape.

While I know some subs have "rape fantasies", a majority of them do not want to ACTUALLY be raped. It is the force behind it, the power they have no choice but to give over, that turns it into a fantasy.

In the OP's ("Original Poster" in case you don't know) case, this was something this so called dominant tricked her into falling into the motions of being his sub through the "playing".

 

[unregistered]

 

[switchbitch]

Holy crap! Ok I appologise to you, I know you are a strong woman. I didn't think what you described possible.
Actually, before I responded, I read the "erotic hypnosis" thread and there seems some people just far to eager to give complete control to a stranger. A freaking stranger!
I've also been tired of hearing all these young "subs" also jumping at the chance to give "whoeverthehellDom" complete control. So I have been salty.

I appreciate you telling your story, especially admitting embarrassment. I am shocked and sorry

I didn't think it was possible either!

Hey there, switchbitch. That is the exact guy that I was talking about.

When it comes to D/S relationships, I am the type of guy that is very particular about things being upfront with my sub and let the sub know what is going to happen. In my opinion, true submission is given over to the dom/domme by the submissive and to force it through violence (I don't mean S&M), blackmail, or unknowing hypnotism is nothing but a form of rape.

While I know some subs have "rape fantasies", a majority of them do not want to ACTUALLY be raped. It is the force behind it, the power they have no choice but to give over, that turns it into a fantasy.

In the OP's ("Original Poster" in case you don't know) case, this was something this so called dominant tricked her into falling into the motions of being his sub through the "playing".

it is indeed rape. as I said in another thread: The submissive gives control to the dominant: the gift of submission.
The submission cannot be just taken it is a wonderful gift.In reality it is the submissive who has overriding control, the submissive decides give their submission, the submissive decides what their limits and boundaries are, the submissive has the right of veto to any activity at any time.

Wow! That is an unbelievably scary experience. I'm thankful that you feel comfortable sharing on Lit. I'm someone who is generally very skeptical of hypnosis or the like, like you described yourself, it's tough to comprehend experiencing something like this. Glad you're alright and out of that situation.

I am not comfortable sharing it however I believe it necessary. We tend to view the world according to our own standards and while I will remain forever an optimistic person I will endeavour not to assume that everyone carries the same basic sense of honour.And perhaps this retelling will protect someone else.

 

[switchbitch]

Hey there, switchbitch. That is the exact guy that I was talking about.

When it comes to D/S relationships, I am the type of guy that is very particular about things being upfront with my sub and let the sub know what is going to happen. In my opinion, true submission is given over to the dom/domme by the submissive and to force it through violence (I don't mean S&M), blackmail, or unknowing hypnotism is nothing but a form of rape.

While I know some subs have "rape fantasies", a majority of them do not want to ACTUALLY be raped. It is the force behind it, the power they have no choice but to give over, that turns it into a fantasy.

In the OP's ("Original Poster" in case you don't know) case, this was something this so called dominant tricked her into falling into the motions of being his sub through the "playing".

You need not be "asleep"to be manipulated with conditioned response

 

[Latina49]

I for one thought long and hard before committing myself...we became friends first, he was never pushy or demanding with me. I figured if he and I are to get something out of it, something worth it...we both needed to fully commit to our ideas of pleasure and so we did.

During this time, I have made a very good friend, I would like to think a lifelong friend...I live for today and try not to think about tomorrow.

Yes, it's risky at times to be in a long-distance relationship but we're adults and can act accordingly and can take ownership of any consequences or mistakes.

I'm no longer lonely

 

[FurryFury]

Nice to see you!

FF

*bats his eyes, giggles and gives a little hair flip, then looks coyly over his shoulder...*

Uh huh.

Yeah, right.

Someone has been drinking the cyber kool-aid again.

I'ma hush now, I'm in a really snarky mood today for some reason.