Depression. Anxiety. Panic Attacks. etc

[Quoll]

I am COMPLETELY bowled over by the level of support that I have received here! I cannot believe this. I have felt so alone in the world despite the fact that I have put a brave face on things always for everyone. I am aware that my successes have been more than my failures in life, but I know this on a cognitive level only. I feel flat affectively and so have the additional problem of guilt for not being grateful for my many blessings.

This changes today! I have decided to take a failing grade in my exam by not going at all. I am tired with limping along so I want to do something dramatic to break with my past. I know that it is a gamble and for those who have raised eyebrows at reaing this, I have done two of my three exams this semester so I should not be thrown out of the programme. My family and friends want me to try today, but what I have done is to make an appointment to see a psychiatrist whom I had known for several years. I will stop the bs and level with him. I have found that when I have been in situations such as these before I have tended to challenge the helping professional and we get into a mental chess match that often ends with me winning the match but to no real end... I am tired of this kind of stalemate in my life. I may have won the battle, but life shouldn't be about having to win battles each day.

There is NOBODY on this planet who actually knows me who would believe that I contemplate suicide every single day. In my core, I really am a nice person and I want to be that person more. I do care about the world and the people here and I want that not to be a strain for me sometimes. That I adored my parents and didn't want to hurt them was what kept me here. When my father died last year I realised that I was in serious trouble and I transferred my love and reason for being here to my younger sister. I have to stop doing things like that and love myself; and believe me, I do. I just want to learn to be kinder to myself and not have to tell myself so forcefully that "I really do love you little girl" in order to make it to the next hour.

I have to learn to forgive myself for the mistakes that I have made in the past and understand that although I have decided not to do my exam today that this is not the end of the world for me. I have to use tough love on myself in order to get better. I have to accept that I will make mistakes in the future and that I will have to love myself despite these.

I am going to do this! With your help I will do it even faster.

You are never alone.

 

[Fflow]

How do you know if you're really depressed or just going through a tough patch--situational-a rut in life? (The little online depression tests don't really tell you much, they're weighted to be better safe than sorry-when in doubt discuss it with your doctor)

Depression can manifest itself in a variety of ways but, generally, it isn't specifically situational. That's not to say that circumstances don't play a role in triggering episodes of clinical depression.

Typically, clinical depression is a chemical disease, like diabetes. There's no cure, but it can be managed with a combination of drugs, behavior changes, and a variety of other things.

If you're looking for a test to see if you're clinically depressed, you should probably speak to your Doctor. Be honest about what you're experiencing. Also, don't accept treatment from your primary care doctor. Demand to speak with a specialist. Too often, doctors without extensive training in treating mental illness misdiagnose and, thus, mis-treat depression symptoms.

I'm sure that others here may have more to share, but that's my 'from the hip' response. Take good care, and good luck.

f(s)

 

[Fflow]

Childhood Holiday Trauma Confession

One Christmas, when I was a kid, I got very sick. I was in the hospital for at least a week. I wound up getting surgery. The operation: A tinselectomy.

 

[cerryl13]

I just wanted to pop in and wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I hope everyone is doing well and had a wonderful day.

Best wishes to you all!

 

[CinT]

The love you seek is abundant, but it first starts with you loving each and every part of who you are. I know that you're on that path.
f(s)

some of the most heartfelt, cogent and truthful advice you'll ever read, here or elsewhere.

big hugs to all this holiday season...I know how shitty it can be. xoxox

 

[Fflow]

some of the most heartfelt, cogent and truthful advice you'll ever read, here or elsewhere.

big hugs to all this holiday season...I know how shitty it can be. xoxox

*hugs*

 

[brunette1989]

I just found this thread, and a might be a bit younger than some people here, 22, but I went through major depression for about 4-5 years and anxiety as well, so I know what I'm talking about lol

I have been resisting taking meds for depression, but I am about to walk away from my second attempt at a PhD. I have to accept the fact and admit to myself that I need help.

I don't understand why some people are so resistant to taking medication. I know that some people say they don't work for them and you may have to try a few out but once you find the right one in the right dose it's sooo worth it! Obviously it isn't a cure-all but I for me I find that they just stablize my emotions/moods a little more, which is a huge thing I think.

I am COMPLETELY bowled over by the level of support that I have received here! I cannot believe this. I have felt so alone in the world despite the fact that I have put a brave face on things always for everyone. I am aware that my successes have been more than my failures in life, but I know this on a cognitive level only. I feel flat affectively and so have the additional problem of guilt for not being grateful for my many blessings.

This changes today! I have decided to take a failing grade in my exam by not going at all. I am tired with limping along so I want to do something dramatic to break with my past. I know that it is a gamble and for those who have raised eyebrows at reaing this, I have done two of my three exams this semester so I should not be thrown out of the programme. My family and friends want me to try today, but what I have done is to make an appointment to see a psychiatrist whom I had known for several years. I will stop the bs and level with him. I have found that when I have been in situations such as these before I have tended to challenge the helping professional and we get into a mental chess match that often ends with me winning the match but to no real end... I am tired of this kind of stalemate in my life. I may have won the battle, but life shouldn't be about having to win battles each day.

There is NOBODY on this planet who actually knows me who would believe that I contemplate suicide every single day. In my core, I really am a nice person and I want to be that person more. I do care about the world and the people here and I want that not to be a strain for me sometimes. That I adored my parents and didn't want to hurt them was what kept me here. When my father died last year I realised that I was in serious trouble and I transferred my love and reason for being here to my younger sister. I have to stop doing things like that and love myself; and believe me, I do. I just want to learn to be kinder to myself and not have to tell myself so forcefully that "I really do love you little girl" in order to make it to the next hour.

I have to learn to forgive myself for the mistakes that I have made in the past and understand that although I have decided not to do my exam today that this is not the end of the world for me. I have to use tough love on myself in order to get better. I have to accept that I will make mistakes in the future and that I will have to love myself despite these.

I am going to do this! With your help I will do it even faster.

I'd like to point out that it's great that you have someone to live for. I used to think about suicide alot as well for a good couple of years and even overdosed on my medication a couple of times. I guess it just gets to the point when you realise you have like 3 choices, well to me I did anyway, 1. you take your life and never know what could have been. 2. you end up in a psychiatric facility (which is where I was when I turned 21 ). 3. Or you decide to really make a difference to yourself.
It's good that you've made an appointment to see someone, but remember that change won't be immediate and you're going to fall down ALOT, but if you work really hard then you will see results.
ANd no matter how long it takes to get there or what other people think or what stage your family and friends are up to in their life, you will remember how far you came and that is something to be proud of.

 

[cerryl13]

I'd like to point out that it's great that you have someone to live for. I used to think about suicide alot as well for a good couple of years and even overdosed on my medication a couple of times. I guess it just gets to the point when you realise you have like 3 choices, well to me I did anyway, 1. you take your life and never know what could have been. 2. you end up in a psychiatric facility (which is where I was when I turned 21 ). 3. Or you decide to really make a difference to yourself.
It's good that you've made an appointment to see someone, but remember that change won't be immediate and you're going to fall down ALOT, but if you work really hard then you will see results.
ANd no matter how long it takes to get there or what other people think or what stage your family and friends are up to in their life, you will remember how far you came and that is something to be proud of.

That is a good caution: To not expect results right away. It is definitely a process. One that does not happen magically overnight as much as we might wish. I can be especially guilty of this. It does get better over time though. When I start to get low I sometimes have to remind myself of this.

 

[Fflow]

Sometimes, because we invest so much of our self-identity into our disease, the idea of getting well can be scary. We aren't our disease, however, and change can be a profound and positive experience, even if it happens slowly. Simply acknowledging that you can make healthy choices, and then making them, can be a profound step. Still, as the lovely and wise Australian brunette said, set backs, stumbles, and self-doubts are part of the process. The trick is to stay the course, and trust in the process.

Or, as Ned Flanders said, "Just relax and let the hooks do their work."

Happy New Year, everyone!

*hugs*

 

[celticbtrfly]

Hi all

I just stumbled across this thread, and I have to say "wow, this is wonderful".

I was diagnosed with depression in my early teens, shortly before I recieved a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia Syndrome (chronic pain, fatigue, and a bunch of other symptom stuff, including mood stuff). I'd like to say that the diagnosis of the Fibro led to a miracle cure that meant I would spend the rest of my days "depression free"...but that didn't happen.

I struggle. I tend to struggle more when I'm having more problems with the Fibro. (It's amazing how being in so much pain and not sleeping can lead to depression and anxiety.) Lately, I seem to be really having a rough time with it, but I'm working on trying to take care of myself. I've learned a few things in the past few months about myself that have helped...now the key is to put it all into play.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hey and Happy New Year. May we all be blessed this coming year.
Tiff

 

[operaBaritone]

I have bipolar II.

There are many reasons that people don't take medication.

One is that they have very real and at times very serious side effects. I am on a lot of medication.

I am a student at UC Berkeley (a school in California if you aren't familiar with it). I went in taking 17 units a semester, about half of which were upper division (junior senior classes). I don't say this to brag, I say this for comparison.

I am still a student at UC Berkeley 6 years later.

I took 7 units this semester.

I passed one class (taking it pass/fail) and got a C- in a class within my major.

And I was very happy to get the C-. Any passing grade is good news at this point in time.

Some people hate the side effects. Cognitive dulling is scary. My memory is much worse than it was when I was 19 (when symptoms began to show). I am now 24.

I live with my parents. I can't do otherwise, and I am considered a disabled dependent with regards to my parents health insurance.

But...

the alternative was worse.

Before I was hospitalized I was losing the ability to speak and the ability to move. I cut myself with keys or my fingernails.

Some of the scarring is still visible.

But

I'm still moving, and I will graduate this upcoming semester.

There is hope. And there are reasons to take medication. Very good reasons. But I felt that I had to interject because the meds are not "wonder drugs", they're not "one pill solves everything" drugs. They're drugs. They're powerful drugs, and they have serious side effects.

Be well, and may your mind be at peace.
opera

 

[Farrah]

I just stumbled across this thread, and I have to say "wow, this is wonderful".

I was diagnosed with depression in my early teens, shortly before I recieved a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia Syndrome (chronic pain, fatigue, and a bunch of other symptom stuff, including mood stuff). I'd like to say that the diagnosis of the Fibro led to a miracle cure that meant I would spend the rest of my days "depression free"...but that didn't happen.

I struggle. I tend to struggle more when I'm having more problems with the Fibro. (It's amazing how being in so much pain and not sleeping can lead to depression and anxiety.) Lately, I seem to be really having a rough time with it, but I'm working on trying to take care of myself. I've learned a few things in the past few months about myself that have helped...now the key is to put it all into play.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hey and Happy New Year. May we all be blessed this coming year.
Tiff

Hi Tiff,

I just wanted to tell you that I suffer from Fibromyalgia, too. Extreme pain definitely does make it incredibly difficult to sleep. Exhaustion flows seamlessly into anxiety and depression. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. Keep fighting the good fight! Blessings!

 

[celticbtrfly]

Hi Tiff,

I just wanted to tell you that I suffer from Fibromyalgia, too. Extreme pain definitely does make it incredibly difficult to sleep. Exhaustion flows seamlessly into anxiety and depression. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. Keep fighting the good fight! Blessings!

Thank you, and Right back at ya.

 

[operaBaritone]

Oh, I forgot to mention...

I'm starting a podcast on mood disorders and related mental illness. If anyone either has an questions they'd like answered or questions they think should be addressed and their thoughts on these questions.

PM if you think of anything. The podcast is called "Thoughts Unthinkable" and isn't up yet, I will post when it is and add it to my sig.

opera

 

[celticbtrfly]

I almost hesitate to bring this up (particularly this being a website that promotes sex), but one of the biggest frustrations I've had with the mood stuff (and the Fibro) is that my libido has almost disapeared. (Opera, this may be something you consider addressing in the podcast...? Just a thought.) Or if I can get my brain there, I can't get my body to go there. Has/Is anyone else dealt/dealing with this?

 

[SweetErika]

I am Celtic, and you're right, it's really hard! The pain eliminates some days. The mood stuff eliminates those plus others. And my hormones are all screwed up from pregnancy and nursing, so that and marital issues have pretty much killed the rest of my libido. Yes, I could stop breastfeeding, and that would likely help my body a lot, but mentally I just can't right now because I know our son still needs it for comfort and it's healthy for him to get whatever milk he can, at least until he turns two in mid-March.

 

[itismeinnz]

Regarding anxiety attacks, sometimes cognitive therapy can work. As in NEVER suffering an anxiety attack again in my case, after quite often having terrifying, totally out-of-the-blue and irrational attacks.

Bizarre as it may sound to those who suffer such attacks, one quite casual discussion with a psychologist (I was actually discussing someone else's mental health issues as an "affected other", when my own anxiety attacks came up in conversation) and I was given the strategy that has to this day worked.

Will discuss it more if anyone is interested, but it basically was about "going with the feeling" rather than fighting it. And it sounded too simplistic to work (also, as anyone who suffers these attacks knows, "going with" the feelings induced by an attack does not exactly sound like something you want to try), but I was wrong.

 

[operaBaritone]

Thanks for that Celtic, I think that I might do one on toll on relationships, including sexual relationships and that would really open to some broad ideas

 

[mothership]

To everyone:
You aren't alone.
Let us all have a good new year. Keep fighting no matter what you suffer from.
Fight anything that can help you through it. (exercise for me)
And, do whatever you can to keep you sane.
Love to all.

 

[Fflow]

My Dr put me on some anti-depressant and I took it for a week. Almost immediately I began to experience a common side effect: The inability to orgasm. Sex with my wife was working so well, and this side effect made it a drag. I went off them almost immediately. I feel like I might benefit from a low dose of some sort of anti-depressant, but I don't want to suffer any significant side effects. My depression/anxiety/ocd is manageable, mostly, so I don't want to give anything up.

Anyway, my two cents.

 

[celticbtrfly]

My Dr put me on some anti-depressant and I took it for a week. Almost immediately I began to experience a common side effect: The inability to orgasm. Sex with my wife was working so well, and this side effect made it a drag. I went off them almost immediately. I feel like I might benefit from a low dose of some sort of anti-depressant, but I don't want to suffer any significant side effects. My depression/anxiety/ocd is manageable, mostly, so I don't want to give anything up.

Anyway, my two cents.

I've had similar issues with some anti-depressants in the past....and also a really bad side effect of extreme suicidality while on them. So, I avoid the SSRI class of medications just for that reason. I've been on Cymbalta for pain and mood stuff for a few years, and actually have had almost no side effects (which is a small miracle given my history with meds), but when we tried to raise it, my blood pressure went up. So, I've stayed on the low dose and used other means to manage my pain.
A few months ago, I started to experience major anxiety and depression around my cycle, and came to the conclusion that I was dealing with Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (think PMS on steriods from hell). I'd never dealt with it before because I'd been on the pill since I was 18, and just went off of it around age 31, 32. Well, I ended up back on the pill--one designed for PMDD--and I think that's probably what's screwing with my libido. My husband says he'd rather have a sexless marriage than a suicidal, anxious wife, and while I appreciate the sentiment, I don't want to be sexless.
I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow, so maybe we'll figure something out.

 

[Fflow]

Wow, CB. Thank you for sharing. This stuff can be so challenging. I feel the need to say how proud I am of you for facing these things, and doing what you can to address them. One can't know the future, or the outcome of your efforts, but making them takes courage and strength. *hugs*

 

[celticbtrfly]

Wow, CB. Thank you for sharing. This stuff can be so challenging. I feel the need to say how proud I am of you for facing these things, and doing what you can to address them. One can't know the future, or the outcome of your efforts, but making them takes courage and strength. *hugs*

Thank you for your comments, and your expression of pride.
Take care.

 

[celticbtrfly]

I'm just feeling down tonight, and rather than do what I want to do (which is curl up on the couch and hide), I'm reaching out for some support on here--or just wanting to realize that I'm not alone.

Anyway, I hope everyone's doing well.

 

[Fflow]

I had a pretty challenging day, too, but I don't feel like I should complain.

I spent several hours with a dear and long time friend who, in the last few months, has experienced several overwhelming personal tragedies. It was the first time we'd had a chance to sit and talk, one on one, since her challenges began.

I expected that we'd have an hour to chat, and then we'd be done. I knew it would be hard creating a safe space for her to open up and share what she needed to share, but I did it. As it turned out, though, she had more time than either of us anticipated, so her 'session' went long. Still, I let her express her anger, pain, grief, confusion, etc., and I'm really glad that she was able to share.

When I got home, though, I had to lay down for a while because her sadness and pain were overwhelming to me. It made me think of several folks here, who suffer so. I have my own small problems, but seeing her pain made me remember how strong you all are, even when it feels so big.

Anyway, I don't know why I'm blathering, but I just thought to share this....

xo

f