I need to talk frankly about my situation...

[Tyr51]

... and I don't want to put this in a place for advice, though I understand why it should normally go there. I've been a member of this community for years, though I know I don't post much. The BDSM forum, I find, is one of the most honest and least judgemental. I need a place where I can be terribly vunerable for a moment, and it's been my experience that this is one of the safer places to do that.

I need some personal insight and advice. I honestly never, ever thought I could be in this position.

To begin with, I am a sexually active monogomous woman in her 30's. I have generally considered myself fairly adventurous (certainly far more than vanilla), though not being cutting edge/extreme. You can probably tell a bit from my stories. I've been sexually active for around 15 years. I got married a couple of years ago to a phenominal man. I am the only partner he has had.

I know I'm dealing with some difficulties. Since getting married, I have been put on anti-depressants. I'm glad for it, honestly. Depression is a difficult thing to explain in a way that others would understand. If I had a broken arm and wore a cast, it would be understood that I needed the cast. If I had diabetes and needed shots to keep my insulin at the right levels, it would be understood that I needed insulin. It would not be viewed as a weakness in character. I would not, as a diabetic or a person with a broken arm, be thought weak because I couldn't just get over it. Like a body's inability to create insulin, my body is unable to create enough seratonin. I used to cry 5 or 6 nights out of the week because I just hurt and didn't know why. Now, on an SSRI, I simply don't. I'm ok. I feel healthy. I don't try to think of rationalizations for why I feel bad because I no longer feel so crippled. I am a full convert to better living through medicine at this point.

However, before I began treatment, I was fairly orgasmic. I could orgasim withn 5 - 7 minutes, 3 orgasims were normal, and if I was really working for it, 15 were not out of the question. It was something I learned to do, and it is something I appreciated (and I am sure it was something my partners appreciated). Here is the difficulty. I can't anymore. The same meds that let me feel in control of my emotions also block my ability to feel pleasure. I can get close! I can! But.... you know that point where you go from "well, this is nice" to "oh god, if this keeps up I can't help myself!"? I can't make that bridge anymore. The best I can get out of sex, most times, is the same pleasure I get from a deep tissue massage. It is NICE. It is really, really NICE. And I am totally willing to deal with only having orgasms once a month if it means I don't have to feel like my world is crumbling down. I can enjoy sex because I feel close to my partner, and seeing him come is exciting, and because I enjoy the physical contact and connection.

I can do it.
He can't. :\

This is where I'm at a loss. I know the SSRI makes things difficult for me. I thought I was adjusting well enough. It has been hinted at, but was made very clear tonight that I don't sexually satisfy him.

Omg...... this is an incredible shock. I have always thought I was a fairly sexual person. Even with the medication, I figured I was hitting above the normal curve. I guess I'm not. More importantly, he feels that I don't. He doesn't think I'm hitting the curve at all.

Have you ever tried to do a google search for "can't satisfy husband", or any words like that? You get a mix of incredibly unhelpful "help" articles (sorry, and thank you, I already do more than you banaly suggest), porn, and links talking about women who don't think men satisfy them. It was rather disconcerting, to be honest. But, I suppose all of this has.

So, let me lay it all out. I dont orgasm well anymore, and that is what it is.
In general I feel that so long as we have sex 3 to 4 times a week, we're doing well. He feels that daily is normal, and more than once daily is nice (I love that he wants me that much, btw). He wants anal sex. I am not a big fan. I'm not a fan at all, especially as he has a penis on the larger size. Once in awhile it's fun because it feels taboo and is a little scary. Sure. I'm of the mind for this being a rare thing a few times a year. He'd be happier if we did this several times a week. Oral sex is particularly an issue. Receiving it is now difficult for me because the only thing worse than not being able to come is having to feel guilty because someone is working hard and you still cant come.

My giving it? I'm no porn star. I have an average sized mouth. I enjoy having him in my mouth, and I enjoy the taste of his pre-cum. I don't look forward to swallowing, admittedly, but mainly because it makes me queasy (which is NOT sexy for either of us). I have never had a problem with using my hand though, swallowing a bit and getting messy. But I also cannot keep my jaw open enough (all the way and more) long enough to make him happy. 5 minutes? Sure. 10? Probably not. I get pain, intermitent clicking in my jaw, and covering my teeth with my lips inevitably leads towards unplesantness.

Wow this is long. It is also probably not helpful. :\
I guess.... I want to have sex with my husband around 4 times a week, even though I cannot orgasim. I like having him in my mouth, but I cannot perform oral sex for over 10 minutes without pain in my jaw. I am willing to engage in occassional ass play, but I need to feel clean, be in the mood, and it needs to actually be occassional.

Are my expectations out of whack? Are his?
I have this strange feeling that I'm being compared to..... I don't know! If I am the only partner he has had, who am I being compared to? Our mutual friends (one, admittedly, who does like sex several times a day)? Porn? Am I frigid and clueless?

He has been very focused on my going on the pill so we can lose the condoms. I get it. And, as we're married, I know it is reasonable. But he's been so adament and pro-active in this area that I feel..... I don't know. I know that, more than anything, he wants to ejaculate inside of me. Ok. He wants to feel better when he comes. Ok. I've been scared to death to have a baby too soon, but I'm married now. And I'm in my 30's. I get it. It's time to ditch the barrier method. But I still.... I feel strange. I don't know what I wish it would be, so my feelings are not fair. It's just that sometimes it seems like comming inside of me is more important to him than my worrying about pregnancy. You start having a man count down the days until you can start your pills, you feel a little out of place.

Am I frigid? Am I bad at this? Do most people give their men 10 minute blow jobs? Do most partners engage in anal sex regularly? Is once a day for sex normal as a minimum, with more than that preferable?

Am I failing as a partner because I am not trying hard enough? I think that is my main question. I know I can't come. I just.... Are my expectations too low? Are his correct?

I'm not asking this as a sub, because I know the answer as a sub. But I'm asking it here because I respect this particular community as being very self aware, honest, and ultimately respectful.

I never thought I would be pegged as sexually vanilla and cold.
Help?
Please?

 

[Stella_Omega]

1) Are you on Zoloft? It will interfere with your ability to orgasm, and your doctor can try a combination-- wellbutrin, or celexa for instance-- to give you that ability back. But you HAVE to tell the doctor! Google your medication and "loss of sexual" and see what comes up.

2) it sounds to me as if hubby could benefit from Zoloft too. Let him try to achieve orgasm for a while, see how he likes it.

3) Marriage is a negotiation, not a dictatorship. He wants anal four times a week? Not getting that is not going to kill him. If he feels that his sexual desires are so important that he's going to dump a cosmic load on your head if he doesn't get his way-- You might be looking at many other problems besides this. Problems like, oh... bank accounts that go missing, or jobs that he can't keep but it's not his fault... Riped clothing, I dunno.

4) DON'T have a baby with this guy. Not until you are sure that you'll live with him long enough to raise the kid.

And 5) I have given a lot of head in my lifetime, but not for 10 minutes at a stretch.

 

[Cattypuss]

What Stella said.

 

[NomadLady]

Ditto what Stella said. Zoloft is a definate orgasm killer, Celexa worked much better for me personally.

 

[rekane]

So sorry you are going through this. It is so frustrating.

I completely agree with Stella. Please speak with your doctor. Some meds just don't have the same side effects, and even though it is working in some ways, a diminished capacity to orgasm is not helpful.

If you absolutely have to stay on your current meds, there are some topical things that might help. Again, check with your doctor.

Good luck!

 

[orgasmsgalore]

I have depression and have had it for as long as I can remember. I didn't actually get treated for it until high school. It is a serious condition. I understand people's attitude towards it and medication. People look at medication for mental/emotional problems as recreational drugs and do not accept some people actually need them for a legitimate condition! Like you said, if you had a broke arm no one would think anything of you having a cast.

I have tried many different medications. Only one medication I took kept me from having orgasms. I stopped taking it. The medication I take does bring down my libido but I can live with that. Try some other medications. Find one that works for you to orgasm and helps your depression.

Your husband is being difficult. porn has everyone thinking anal sex is normal. It is making men think that if you don't do it you are a prude. That is downright wrong! Don't let any man having you do something you don't want to do. I also do not think daily sex is what all the married couples are doing. I have done oral sex for more than 10 minutes but it is extremely difficult. I am talking about the oral sex where you are using no hands. From what I have heard birth control pills bringing down your libido. I don't think you need anything more to add to that.

I think your husband is not right on things. You are putting forth a lot of effort to please him. Sounds like he is comparing your sex to porn. Who can keep up with that????!!!! It is a freakin' movie, not reality. I think he has some unrealistic expectations.

 

[DVS]

Stella has made some good points. I'd think this guy is a bit self centered, too. Doesn't he understand that your mental issues can be worsened by his selfish demands?

I'm VERY big on anal sex. If you've read any of my stories, I'd probably fall in the same area as he does with wanting it often. But I also understand the reality of marriage as a two sided street. It isn't all about him. There are two of you. If he isn't getting satisfied, it might not be just your performance...it could be he isn't good at expressing what he wants from you. It could also be he's stressed from outside sources and blaming it on you. Personally, I'm particular about bondage. Anal sex is a LOT more fun for me, if the woman is bound and totally helpless. Sorry, it's just my thing. I just felt like sharing

As far as your mental situation goes, I'm one of you. Don't even think that you should stop your medication to satisfy his desires. If he ever wants that, he's a worse heel than I already think he is. Your mental stability is first and foremost because without your medication, your life is hell.

I take Zoloft and have for nearly 15 years. I think it's the best thing since...are you ready for it?...anal sex. I will tell you that there was a time when I felt the same as you do, now. I couldn't orgasm and I thought it was a trade off, my mental stability for my sexual pleasure. It wasn't a fun time, because I knew I wanted both.

I actually went off of the Zoloft for a while on my own and the desire and ability came back. While I don't think you should go off of your medication, I do agree with you in your analogy. You have more control than you want, and so an orgasm is difficult.

The good thing about my situation is in time that inability went away. I am the same person I was before I started Zoloft, in a sexual sense. I can't tell you a time line when you might experience the same thing, but I'd venture to say that it will happen. If you are taking Zoloft, you might do as Stella suggests and talk to your doctor about other medications. Personally, I had issues with other medications...side effects that were not good. Zoloft is perfect for me in that respect. No side effects other than the orgasm thing in the beginning.

One thing you could try, if you want to is to limit your orgasms to a fewer number, so when you do attempt one, it is easier. Yes, I know your hubby is wanting sex more often than you want it now, so that might not be something you can try. You could tell him to get some lube and visit the bathroom a few times, to give you a chance to get hold of your sexual self. It might piss him off, but I think he should understand your mental issues and want to help. The ultimate goal should benefit both of you.

You are far from frigid. You are dealing with a chemical imbalance in your brain and on medication to counter that. You're not crazy and your situation isn't as uncommon as you might think. Aside from your taking medication, there are quite a few marriages where one partner says they aren't being satisfied and the other partner is completely blindsided by hearing that.

Does your husband know you're taking medication? If he doesn't, that's your choice to tell him or not. But if he does know, I think he's being less than fair and pretty selfish. I could have misunderstood your post, but he seems to be demanding more of you than you can or want to give. That requires sitting down and talking things out between you.

He needs to tell you what he wants from you and you need to tell him what you want from him. Then you find a middle ground you can both live with and progress from there. In time, who knows how things will change. If nothing else, you will both be aware of what's expected and hopefully that would result in less stress. If you have less stress in trying to come, you might find that it's easier. Stress to perform is just making it worse.

Relax. That's what you need to do. You are dealing with a mental issue that is difficult for someone to understand. But, you aren't helping yourself, if you can't relax. He needs to understand that, too. Sex should not be a time for stress.

I don't know how long you've been on your medication, so I don't know how long you've been going through this. Just know that in my case, it did get better. Unless you are very strange, I'd assume it will get better for you, too. It's just that time line thing I can't give you. Do you change your medication? That might be something you'd have to decide after talking it out with your hubby.

If you can't come to an agreement on how often you have sex, you might need other options. Just don't allow yourself to be the victim here. Many times it's the wife that gives in. That won't be good for your mental health. Stand your ground. He needs to understand he's not the only person in this marriage.

I'm being a little hard on your husband and I know that. He's probably not as bad as I'm treating him, but he does need to understand your side. Negotiate with him. Talk to him. Find out what he needs for satisfaction and make sure he understands your needs, too. This isn't the end. Your medication isn't going to continue fighting with you. Sure you need to think about some things and so does your husband. Again, there are two of you in this marriage. It's a give and take. Once you talk it out with him, I think you'll see it getting better.

Incidentally, if that is you in your profile picture...wow. And in fact, call me a pervert, but reading your post got me hot. You sound like an intelligent and caring woman and you seriously want to please your husband. I can see how your husband feels about wanting sex with you all of the time. I'd be the same way.

But you need to think about yourself, too. You can't please your husband, if you don't feel right, mentally. First and foremost, whatever it takes, get to feeling good in your own mind. Then you can better deal with the rest of the world's issues, and that includes your husband's sexual satisfaction.

 

[bdsm_lover]

if you are really worried about your sex drive, maybe you could try talking to a naturapath?

im not saying to go off the meds straight away though but maybe you could discuss some natural ways to combat the depression that dont lower your sex drive and slowly get off the chemical medications.

my ex has been on about 15 different meds and they have all made her worse.

some people they just dont work for and for some people it works wonders. depression is tough. but you can beat it.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

First of all, I want to say that I'm sorry you're hurting and having a tough time. And yeah, this board won compassionate-board-of-year YET AGAIN IN 2010 (watch out, people, cause the General Board is coming up in the rearview mirror ).

I agree with everyone else that talking to your doc is crucial. Don't try to deconstruct all the sexual/relationship twists and turns until you can get your meds straightened out.

Have you thought about a cognitive therapist, or a cognitive therapy book like the classic Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns? This book has helped me no end. It has some good research to back up its effectiveness, as well. It might help as a supplement to your meds, or as a way to deal with your relationship struggles and worries.

Please take care of yourself.

 

[yuna1981]

FYI birth control may suppress your libido even more, so that could potentially worsen your situation instead of helping it.

 

[Braschi]

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. You deserve a nice, big, warm hug Not that it helps much with your problem, though.

I don't want to be so judgmental, especially of your guy since I don't know him. I mean, he aught to have some quality if you've known him all this time and eventually decided to marry him. Laying all the sexual problems on his doorstep is sort of denigrating your choice of a husband.

That having been said, people often have unrealistic expectations of their partner, both men and women. Here's the thing: it's not about what most people do, what's normal, what you see in movies or what your best friend tells you. It's about you and your partner and what makes you both happy. Hell, it's not even about what's "fair", "correct" or even "reasonable". Of course asking around and getting advice is good, but ultimately, the choice has to be made to do what's right for both of you, and if sex as often as he likes doesn't work for you, it doesn't make any difference who has sex how many times. It just doesn't work for you. The same the other way around, of course The only expectation either of you should have of the other is what the other is willing to do.

Now, of course it's only normal for you -and him- to push for what you want. For the relationship to work, though, you need to be able to discuss the problem, and agree on where pushing goes to far. Guys are particularly insensitive in this area, and won't realize they're hurting you until you start crying or say it explicitly. I guess what I'm saying here is the oft-repeated "communication".

About feeling "compared" to something, did you have sex as often as he liked before, and then stopped (say, when you started taking medication?) Maybe he's comparing you to a former self...

About the medication, SSRI are known specifically to inhibit libido, but there are lots of them, and they each affect people differently. In most cases, the first treatment doesn't work out for most people, and they frequently have to try several types of medication to find what best works for their lifestyle. Also, there are other means to boosting serotonin levels besides SSRI -usually, when presented a case of depression, doctors will start with the most effective -Clonazepam, for example- and then work out a different treatment if it doesn't fit with the patient. So, talking to your doctor is important. Also, a part of the issue could be dosage; and maybe you don't need such a high dose, since it's usually the higher doses that impede libido. So, yeah, explain your libido problem to your doctor.

 

[o2bebd]

I agree with Stella.
I have been on Meds for 6 years. I am a gang rape survivor as most of you know. Due to the trauma and the fact that they drugged me and hit me in the head (severely), I suffered amnesia at the time of my rape. In my 30's I started having nightmares, then flashbacks of my rape. I went and got professional help immediately. The first two drug regimes did not work. I could not even touch myself, let alone have a sexual partner. I sought out a different doctor and was put on a different drug regime and I am SO much better. No more flashbacks, nightmares, and I have even had a relationship. You can do it!

 

[vintage63]

if you are really worried about your sex drive, maybe you could try talking to a naturapath?

im not saying to go off the meds straight away though but maybe you could discuss some natural ways to combat the depression that dont lower your sex drive and slowly get off the chemical medications.

my ex has been on about 15 different meds and they have all made her worse.

some people they just dont work for and for some people it works wonders. depression is tough. but you can beat it.

I think she was pretty clear the meds are working. It's the side effects she is having an issue with.
Yes different meds will have different side effects so I agree with everyone's idea about talking to your doctor.

 

[lissa808]

Like everyone said, definately change your antidepressant. I do fine on Zoloft. My gf has trouble with Celexa. Everyones body chemistry is different. As for the husband, I'll leave that advice to people wiser than me.

 

[bdsm_lover]

I think she was pretty clear the meds are working. It's the side effects she is having an issue with. Yes different meds will have different side effects so I agree with everyone's idea about talking to your doctor.

Thats why i said i"f you're really worried about your sex drive." As that is the side effect from the meds she is on : )

 

[catalina_francisco]

As you can probably tell by now, many here understand and experienc e depression in varying degrees, so a wealth of advice to be had. And I agree, mental illness at times is so frustrating simply because it is not understood or tolerated with the same measure as physical conditions.

At a guess, perhaps the fact you are the only partner he has had is impacting on your relationship and his expectations. I imagine you have tried to talk to him about it. Perhaps therapy could help you both, especially in extending his ability to understand your position and problems, and creating a neutral ground for discussion. Don't allow him and his expectations to make you feel bad, it is not going to help either of you, and most of all is not reality.

Your hesitation at giving up condoms could be something deeper speaking to you from your subconscious. Listen to your gut. If he is on the large size, oral for over 10 minutes could be difficult, and understandably so. Anal also can be difficult, and as frequent as he is expecting it could lead to health issues for you long term. I feel for you as I can imagine how devastating this can all be for you....hang in there.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

Wait, you are trying actively to sexually get this guy off 4x a week and he is complaining?




Let me just add to chorus:

DO NOT have a baby with this guy. Cat is much nicer in saying it than I am, but I'll be blunt: I would seriously consider whether he's been fucking other people unwrapped with the excuse to himself that you're "boring" also. Hate to be worst case, but I listen to the secret side of married men ALL DAY. I'd just hold off on any "new and thrilling" exploits sexually until you're functional as a couple or more so.

It's disappointing and scary to realize how much of "us" is really chemical, but them's facts. As DVS said, it takes a while to even out on a med and sometimes the anorgasmic thing is short term. I never had this problem on zoloft, but people I know who did said it got better. I knew people who had the same problem on Cymbalta and other meds but not zoloft and VV. It really isn't *you* at all.

There are other meds out there but remember what changing meds entails. You are out there without a net for 3-6 weeks and even more. Maybe you should enjoy feeling stabilized without orgasms until it's really a problem FOR YOU before you go looking to change to keep this guy's porn world expectations happy.

I definitely think it's worth getting both of you into therapy - it sounds like there are some fundamental communications issues that have let things get to this point. I think his understanding of what to expect from someone with depression and what to do to support them has got to be completely lacking to nonexistent- hopefully it's something that joint therapy would educate him into and educate you into being able to talk to him more effectively to explain the seriousness of what you're dealing with, whether "this is what ten minutes of oral does to my face" or whatever else. As the partner of someone with serious and ongoing issues, if he's not prepared to treat this exactly as he would if you lost a hand or mangled yourself in a car wreck and were laid up for 10 months, then you're not being supported.

 

[where]

As someone who very very seldom orgasms, I think I'd be devastated if my partner said that my lack of orgasming was leading to his sexual dissatisfaction.

your husband sounds like he has some major issues of his own going on. which is the nice way of saying I think he's acting like a prick.

 

[Primalex]

To begin with, I am a sexually active monogomous woman in her 30's.

The 51 had me always confused...

Are my expectations out of whack? Are his?

I would say for 9/10 of men out there, your sex drive would be higher than theirs (and 0/10 would admit this) - at least in your age group.

It's just that sometimes it seems like comming inside of me is more important to him than my worrying about pregnancy.

This is the case.

Do most people give their men 10 minute blow jobs?

No idea. I don't use a stop watch, but sooner or later, my wife will "complain", too. I don't think there is any activity you can do forever.

Do most partners engage in anal sex regularly? Is once a day for sex normal as a minimum, with more than that preferable?

As far as I know, the "average" mentioned in realistic surveys is about once per week. And I think this is still exaggerated. But surveys also say that sex depends on education (higher education - less sex), so you might get a different impression depending on your environment.

I'm not asking this as a sub, because I know the answer as a sub. But I'm asking it here because I respect this particular community as being very self aware, honest, and ultimately respectful.

I never thought I would be pegged as sexually vanilla and cold.
Help?
Please?

I don't think I can contribute much more than my own knowledge. Feel free to exploit this.

I would extend Stella's statement though:
Relationship is a negotiation, not a dictatorship.

(This is even true in a D/s relationship, even though the negotation is more subtle.)

 

[seela]

As someone who very very seldom orgasms, I think I'd be devastated if my partner said that my lack of orgasming was leading to his sexual dissatisfaction.

your husband sounds like he has some major issues of his own going on. which is the nice way of saying I think he's acting like a prick.

Yes. This.

 

[BiBunny]

Other people have addressed the douchehattery of your husband, so I won't go there. I will say that SSRIs are notorious for sexual side effects. There are drugs for depression that don't interfere with your sex drive and/or orgasmic ability. (I'm on Wellbutrin, for example; it's not an SSRI, so no problems here.) You might talk to your doctor about it and see if he/she thinks it'd be ok to try a new antidepressant. Some of the SSRIs aren't as bad as others, and there *are* also your newer SNRIs and other antidepressants that don't touch serotonin at all. So you've got a lot of options.

I don't suggest that you listen to people who tell you that you don't need meds. There are people in the world with mental illnesses who can get by without meds, but their disorders tend to be milder, so to speak. If your depression, unmedicated, is as bad as you've intimated here, I don't know that I'd try the no-meds thing. But I'm definitely one of the pro-meds cheerleaders for people with moderate to severe mental illness.

 

[fuckmeat]

I've recently been on SSRIs, though for bereavement and not at a time when I was sexually active. Your post moved me because I know what I was like when I was taking them.

Very good advice, especially from Stella and Netzach.

The only things I would add are that firstly, this is NOT the time for you to start hormonal birth control. Even in people without depression it often causes mood swings, affects libido and can take a while to settle into. To put it another way, if you start taking HBC you put another factor into the mix where your emotional stability and sex drive are concerned. It will muddy the waters. Address the depression first. Discuss other drug options with your doctor.

You also need to keep in mind that SSRIs are a treatment, not a cure. You need therapy of some kind to help you address the root causes of your depression. This should come first, before you start considering couples therapy. You need to work on yourself right now. You need to be a little selfish. Your husband should be concerned for your mental wellbeing and fully supporting you in this. His sexual needs should be about the last thing on your mind right now.

He may be panicking, worried that you'll be on SSRIs long term. Doesn't make him less unreasonable or selfish though. It could be that he sees your desire to hang on to barrier BC as a lack of trust and commitment but he should also be mature enough to realise that pressuring you is not the way forwards. You've been fine on condoms for years, why does he suddenly want to stop using them at a time when you're dealing with depression? If he wants kids, you must unequivocally tell him that this is not the time. You might be in your 30s but that doesn't mean your ovaries are three parts shrivelled. You cannot be thinking about family planning right now and he needs to know this. If it turns out to be a dealbreaker for him in the long term... well better a failed marriage than a fractured family.

You need to sit this guy down and have a frank discussion about what you are and are not able to provide sexually and emotionally right now. It sounds to me like you need to compare long term goals as well and make sure you're both still moving in the same direction and want the same things.

 

[ownedsubgal]

ditto Netz, absolutely. your hubby doesn't seem to even recognize your depression as a serious illness, much less be willing to try and understand your other issues. also it sounds to me like the two of you could just be somewhat sexually incompatible, meds or no meds, orgasms or no. there's nothing wrong with his particular sexual desires...what's wrong is his attitude, and seeming unawareness that there are much more pressing issues to deal with first. but perhaps this is something the two of you could work through in therapy.

likewise, there is nothing wrong with your sexual desires, interests or limitations either. but a compromise will have to eventually be reached, and only you can know whether or not that will be possible for the two of you. nothing kills a relationship like resentment and frustration.

Am I frigid? Am I bad at this? Do most people give their men 10 minute blow jobs? Do most partners engage in anal sex regularly? Is once a day for sex normal as a minimum, with more than that preferable?

you do not sound frigid to me, nor "bad" at sex. and who cares what "most people" do? i have no concept of what is the normal or common length of time for a blowjob, however most of the ones i give range from 15 minutes to two hours. but then, it is not physically uncomfortable for me (maybe i have a big mouth? lol), and i find it relaxing, as opposed to stimulating...in other words, i don't give a man a blowjob thinking about and waiting for his orgasm, i just get lost in the journey. as for anal sex, again who the heck knows or cares what is normal? anal used to be a regular/frequent part of my sex life, 2 or 3X a week. but for the past several years, primarily due to physical issues (always tearing, having to wait to heal, etc.), it is a few times a year thing. and sex every day? well i might engage in fellatio to some extent every day or nearly so, but intercourse is more like 2-4X a week. and that's counting all my sexual partners, not simply my Master. and that frequency is plenty for us, at this point in our lives.

 

[Stella_Omega]

OP...
Of all of us, ownedsubgal is REALLY submissive. And if SHE'S saying you need to negotiate, then-- man, I would so listen to her.

ladies and gentlemen, I am so impressed and struck by the quality of every reply here. I wrote mine at the end of a long and somewhat obnoxious day, and not so well thought out, IMO. Y'all are the best!

 

[BiBunny]

I've recently been on SSRIs, though for bereavement and not at a time when I was sexually active. Your post moved me because I know what I was like when I was taking them.

Very good advice, especially from Stella and Netzach.

The only things I would add are that firstly, this is NOT the time for you to start hormonal birth control. Even in people without depression it often causes mood swings, affects libido and can take a while to settle into. To put it another way, if you start taking HBC you put another factor into the mix where your emotional stability and sex drive are concerned. It will muddy the waters. Address the depression first. Discuss other drug options with your doctor.

You also need to keep in mind that SSRIs are a treatment, not a cure. You need therapy of some kind to help you address the root causes of your depression. This should come first, before you start considering couples therapy. You need to work on yourself right now. You need to be a little selfish. Your husband should be concerned for your mental wellbeing and fully supporting you in this. His sexual needs should be about the last thing on your mind right now.

He may be panicking, worried that you'll be on SSRIs long term. Doesn't make him less unreasonable or selfish though. It could be that he sees your desire to hang on to barrier BC as a lack of trust and commitment but he should also be mature enough to realise that pressuring you is not the way forwards. You've been fine on condoms for years, why does he suddenly want to stop using them at a time when you're dealing with depression? If he wants kids, you must unequivocally tell him that this is not the time. You might be in your 30s but that doesn't mean your ovaries are three parts shrivelled. You cannot be thinking about family planning right now and he needs to know this. If it turns out to be a dealbreaker for him in the long term... well better a failed marriage than a fractured family.

You need to sit this guy down and have a frank discussion about what you are and are not able to provide sexually and emotionally right now. It sounds to me like you need to compare long term goals as well and make sure you're both still moving in the same direction and want the same things.

Agreed that she doesn't need to try birth control. I would like to add that not all depression is caused by outside factors. The very fact that her depression is responding to her medication implies that it's at least partially biochemical. It could be entirely biochemical as far as anyone knows, and therapy might not help that at all.

ETA: Not to say that therapy won't help. I just think it's simplistic to say all depression is caused by outside factors, low self-esteem, etc.