Divorce

[mcevin]

Oh, well, I went through a divorce when I was eleven. Oh, wait! It wasn't MY divorce, mom and dad split up. Actually, turns out, it WAS my divorce. I just didn't realize it at first. My so-called "life" ended. I remember the terrror I felt when I realized that dad wasn't coming home again, ever. He went back to Scotland, then on to France, where he lives in a posh villa in Nice with a girl my age(!). Mom and I went to St. Paul with her boss, her new stud, who promply dumped us.

Mom had a kid with him while still married to dad. I was like, "Why did you want another kid, mom? Wasn't I enough?" But mom was tired of waiting for dad's business to take off, HER dad had just died, dad was gone all the time. Dad was doing what mom wanted, she wanted more money, a better life. I guess she thought she could get it. Instead, we went from a nice house in the suburbs to Section 8 housing. I went from private school with my own nanny to Roseville Middle School with my own pimp. Mom sent my half-brother back to Chicago to his grandmother. Divorce is a disaster for kids, no matter what kinds of smiley-faces grown-ups try to put on it.

So I went from "nice little Catholic school girl" to "Wild Child." I got in fights at school. I joined the "420" crowd. I started skipping school, getting high, and shoplifting, sometimes all at the same time. When I was twelve, this guy at the mall caught me shoplifting. He threatened to get me arrested unless I sucked him off. By then, I was just doing what I had to do.

Some girls off themselves after they get molested, or turn into cutters. Later on, when I took biology, I realized I have mom's "slutty" genes, but I also have dad's "smart" genes. I didn't know anything about sex until that guy sodomized me, but I was a fast learner. By eighth grade, I was a Goddess. I guess you might say I was a little slut. When I got to high school, I learned you were supposed to kiss and stuff first, and I wasn't a slut any more. I was just "nasty." The moms were like, "You say away from that Jamie!"

I never figured out how I kept getting ballet lessons, and Tai Chi, and my own gymnastics coach. Mom kept it from me that dad was paying for all that. He'd send the money directly, because he knew mom would just drink it up and I wouldn't get any of it. I mean, I know mom loved me, in her peculiar way. We had some good times. Being really poor is kind of funny, in a sick sort of way. I clothes-shopped in dumpsters. I had my own fashion line at school: "dumpster chic." The rich kids would try to copy my style: they'd go to the mall and pay $300 for ripped, stained jeans that were too tight, and I got the real thing out of the dumpster for free.

I guess I was the stereotypical "little tough girl." I was small, blonde, legs a little too long, top a little too tight, some days I didn't even make it to the metal detector before being sent home. I didn't care, no one was ever home, and I had a bus pass, so the Twin Cities were my playground. I'd hang out with the pimps and pushers under the 2nd Avenue bridge. I was the funny, cute little white girl. They were like, "Jamie is funny when she's stoned. Hey Jamie, want a hit?" and I'd be like, "All right." We joked around a lot, but they never did anything to me sexually. They stood up for me, they'd be like, "Hey! Muthafucka! Leaver her alone, she's just a kid!" So among other things, I learned that people aren't always what they seem.

When the clock struck "eighteen" I had my stuff all neatly packed and sitting by the door. I really would have said, "Goodbye" to mom, but she was in Vegas with her latest stud. I just turned off the lights, had a good cry, and left her a note with the key.

Love,

Jamie

PS: You know, the world is a hard place for kids. We didn't ask to come here. We just wake up around a bunch of grown-ups who are all doing their own things. Some of us are lucky. We wake up around grown-ups who were children once, and remember what it was like. Others of us, well, not so much. There is no safe place for children any more. Used to be, the Mothers Womb was the symbol for safety and warmth. These days, more children die in the womb than anywhere else.

PPS: "(Gasp) Jamie, are you a right-winger, right-to-lifer? You're not... not... a rePUBlican, are you?"

"No, no, and no. I support a woman's right to choose. I know what it's like to have to do what you have to do. I just don't want us to cloud our thinking so far that we can no longer see what we are really doing."

PPPS: "God, Jamie, what a downer!"

"Oh, go read my other posts, I'm really a pretty up person. I usually see fun and humor even in the dark side of life. I just realize there IS a dark side. It's okay to talk about it sometimes."

PPPPS: Be careful when looking into the Abyss. Eventually, the Abyss winds up looking back at YOU!

PPPPPS: Disclaimer: All the persons portrayed in this true story of my actual life are (now) over eighteen. None of the names have been changed; there are no innocents. You know who you are, and what you did! Shame on you!

 

[overthebow]

Oh, well, I went through a divorce when I was eleven. Oh, wait! It wasn't MY divorce, mom and dad split up.

This was a tough story to read. If I can be so bold as to make a recommendation, a book by Barry Grosskopf called "Forgive Your Parents and Heal Yourself" is a good read.

He makes the point that divorce is like a death without a body. People grieve (greiving is physiological) and there are nothing in society for this type of grief. Kids don't have the tools for understanding it. He says that young people tend to bury their grief and then exhume it when they are in their 20's and process it then.

The thing about forgiveness is not that it releases the people who wronged you from blame, but it releases you from the hold they have on your view of yourself.

 

[redheadedtxn]

The house was in my name...and since I had to kick him out I couldn't keep up with the payments and lost it. It sucked, ruined my credit, but I had no control over it. I wasn't going to live with someone who I didn't love or need to be with anymore.

It took me 2 years to get the divorce, he kept dodging it. I became pregnant with my daughter in 2007 from another relationship after being separated for two years. He finally granted me the divorce in dec 2007, she was born Jan 2008. Her being that close to being born was the ONLY reason he finally gave me the divorce, he didn't want to be financially responsible for her.

Divorce makes me happy

Goodness!
I didn't get the house either. I live in a tiny apartment, and I don't care. It fucked me financially, but again - don't care! Way happier in my little space without the ex than in a big place with him. Wouldn't want it any other way!

 

[ksmybuttons]

This was a tough story to read. If I can be so bold as to make a recommendation, a book by Barry Grosskopf called "Forgive Your Parents and Heal Yourself" is a good read.

He makes the point that divorce is like a death without a body. People grieve (greiving is physiological) and there are nothing in society for this type of grief. Kids don't have the tools for understanding it. He says that young people tend to bury their grief and then exhume it when they are in their 20's and process it then.

The thing about forgiveness is not that it releases the people who wronged you from blame, but it releases you from the hold they have on your view of yourself.

Hmmm. I thought she told her story and seems to have put it together. A little self deprecating, and that's cool. I always figure your not responsible for what happened to you as a child, but you are totally responsible once you step out on your own.

There are very few people that didn't have a glitch in the road. Some worse than others and, how we dealt with it makes the difference as we age.

A friend once told me that, just like money, emotionally you either pay for it now, or you pay for it later with interest. We have to deal if we want to survive and thrive. It's a true cop-out to blame. Lessons hard won.

 

[Sinny]

Hmmm. I thought she told her story and seems to have put it together. A little self deprecating, and that's cool. I always figure your not responsible for what happened to you as a child, but you are totally responsible once you step out on your own.

There are very few people that didn't have a glitch in the road. Some worse than others and, how we dealt with it makes the difference as we age.

A friend once told me that, just like money, emotionally you either pay for it now, or you pay for it later with interest. We have to deal if we want to survive and thrive. It's a true cop-out to blame. Lessons hard won.

This.

 

[Recidiva]

I've gone through >TWO< divorces. They suck when they're happening. They suck bad.

However, it's 10 years later and I'm married to the love of my life, my kids (one from each previous marriage) weathered it well, are loved, and are glad that I made happiness for myself and a better life for myself a priority.

So hang tough and be open to new opportunities. It takes a long time to get perspective. Make the best of it.

 

[Luk]

I got divorced before I owned anything substantial. I told her to get the fuck out and she did. We used this firm to handle everything for about $300.00. If I was to divorce today, I'd be fucked.

http://www.wethepeopleusa.com/

It was awesome.

 

[redheadedtxn]

I've gone through >TWO< divorces. They suck when they're happening. They suck bad.

However, it's 10 years later and I'm married to the love of my life, my kids (one from each previous marriage) weathered it well, are loved, and are glad that I made happiness for myself and a better life for myself a priority.

So hang tough and be open to new opportunities. It takes a long time to get perspective. Make the best of it.

You're way braver than me. I'd never get married a second time!

 

[Recidiva]

You're way braver than me. I'd never get married a second time!

My current husband and I had sorta decided not to get married, as the divorces brought us no end of previous grief (this is his second marriage as well) and we were cool with living in sin.

But it turns out domestic partnership tax and insurance benefits suck. After the major hurricanes that hit our area a few years ago, financial and "close to death" situations caused us to change our minds.

I entirely understand the "never again!" but I also understand the "maybe I could make it work this time"

I got much better at knowing what I wanted, recognizing it, asking for it, and picking someone who would respect that, whose needs I could respect.

So I consider my previous marriages to be practice that on the whole was well worth it, even if I didn't realize it at the time.

 

[mcevin]

Thanks for the post. I think the Grosskopf book might have been one of the ones I read. I didn't wait for my twenties. When I was still in high school, mom and I went downtown. We stopped for a drink at this bar, and I met one of mom's friends. It was like a flash of light. Mom's friend did me a big favor: she showed me myself in thirty years, still doing the same shit she had been doing at eighteen, only not as well.

When I got home, I found my school books and started doing homework. I had never done homework, not since The Divorce. I was good at school, I always aced the tests, but I never turned in assignments, unless I could do them at lunch or something. Well, sometimes I turned in papers. I learned to write in seventh grade, and I loved it even then.

It was too late to save high school. I graduated summa cum dificultia and had to go to junior college. I almost slipped back into my old ways when I left home, but I kept after my school work. I also kept up my dance, and I got a dance scholarship. I re-connected with dad, and he helped pay for my undergraduate degree in English. Now I have an MFA in dance, I'm an assistant adjunct instructor in the dance department, and I'm finishing an MBA. It sounds like I'm a total geek, but I'm really not. I'm just good at school. It's LIFE that I still have trouble with.

So anyway, I don't want to post any more serious stuff about me. I read over my last post and it was so depressing, I thought I needed to say it all turned out all right.

Love,

Jamie

 

[great lover]

Thanks for the post. I think the Grosskopf book might have been one of the ones I read. I didn't wait for my twenties. When I was still in high school, mom and I went downtown. We stopped for a drink at this bar, and I met one of mom's friends. It was like a flash of light. Mom's friend did me a big favor: she showed me myself in thirty years, still doing the same shit she had been doing at eighteen, only not as well.

When I got home, I found my school books and started doing homework. I had never done homework, not since The Divorce. I was good at school, I always aced the tests, but I never turned in assignments, unless I could do them at lunch or something. Well, sometimes I turned in papers. I learned to write in seventh grade, and I loved it even then.

It was too late to save high school. I graduated summa cum dificultia and had to go to junior college. I almost slipped back into my old ways when I left home, but I kept after my school work. I also kept up my dance, and I got a dance scholarship. I re-connected with dad, and he helped pay for my undergraduate degree in English. Now I have an MFA in dance, I'm an assistant adjunct instructor in the dance department, and I'm finishing an MBA. It sounds like I'm a total geek, but I'm really not. I'm just good at school. It's LIFE that I still have trouble with.

So anyway, I don't want to post any more serious stuff about me. I read over my last post and it was so depressing, I thought I needed to say it all turned out all right.

Love,

Jamie

OohhhhhhhhhhhhhhKayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

 

[Sinny]

Thanks for the post. I think the Grosskopf book might have been one of the ones I read. I didn't wait for my twenties. When I was still in high school, mom and I went downtown. We stopped for a drink at this bar, and I met one of mom's friends. It was like a flash of light. Mom's friend did me a big favor: she showed me myself in thirty years, still doing the same shit she had been doing at eighteen, only not as well.

When I got home, I found my school books and started doing homework. I had never done homework, not since The Divorce. I was good at school, I always aced the tests, but I never turned in assignments, unless I could do them at lunch or something. Well, sometimes I turned in papers. I learned to write in seventh grade, and I loved it even then.

It was too late to save high school. I graduated summa cum dificultia and had to go to junior college. I almost slipped back into my old ways when I left home, but I kept after my school work. I also kept up my dance, and I got a dance scholarship. I re-connected with dad, and he helped pay for my undergraduate degree in English. Now I have an MFA in dance, I'm an assistant adjunct instructor in the dance department, and I'm finishing an MBA. It sounds like I'm a total geek, but I'm really not. I'm just good at school. It's LIFE that I still have trouble with.

So anyway, I don't want to post any more serious stuff about me. I read over my last post and it was so depressing, I thought I needed to say it all turned out all right.

Love,

Jamie

I like how you write. Full of grit. You've got a good voice. I'm glad you use it.

 

[fgarvb1]

mcevin



For the lady who has the eyes that have seen to much too young.

 

[ivantheterrible]

one, get the hell away from your soon to be ex S.O.. do not visit, even if there are kids. there will be emotional and physical attachments. do not have another relationship for a minimum of 1 1/2 years in order to get your head straightened out. if you don't, any future relationship you try is going to be influenced and clouded by this.
NEVER EVER piss your soon to be ex off. no contact whatsoever! wait until you have the papers in hand first. if you do have kids, make sure you send in money to her/him voluntarily and keep receipts. this keeps them from saying you don't care.
get your shit out of the house as soon as possible WITH permission.

 

[Luk]

one, get the hell away from your soon to be ex S.O.. do not visit, even if there are kids. there will be emotional and physical attachments. do not have another relationship for a minimum of 1 1/2 years in order to get your head straightened out. if you don't, any future relationship you try is going to be influenced and clouded by this.
NEVER EVER piss your soon to be ex off. no contact whatsoever! wait until you have the papers in hand first. if you do have kids, make sure you send in money to her/him voluntarily and keep receipts. this keeps them from saying you don't care.
get your shit out of the house as soon as possible WITH permission.

Do the opposite of what this idiot says and you'll be fine. Don't see your kids? How the fuck to you put a time limit/term on the next relationship?

 

[ivantheterrible]

if you are in the state of WV, and have no money, get legal aid, before the other one does. if she/he gets a free lawyer, you can't have one. which is WRONG!
its best to just ignore the other person until you are in court.
my ex had issues towards me well after the divorce and i got out of jail. she stalked me with some fat dude driving a white subaru about 2 weeks after i was out of jail.
sometimes i think she still has attachment issues. she may have jumped into a relationship too soon before clearing her head.

 

[redheadedtxn]

if you are in the state of WV, and have no money, get legal aid, before the other one does. if she/he gets a free lawyer, you can't have one. which is WRONG!
its best to just ignore the other person until you are in court.
my ex had issues towards me well after the divorce and i got out of jail. she stalked me with some fat dude driving a white subaru about 2 weeks after i was out of jail.
sometimes i think she still has attachment issues. she may have jumped into a relationship too soon before clearing her head.

Why were you in jail?

 

[ivantheterrible]

Do the opposite of what this idiot says and you'll be fine. Don't see your kids? How the fuck to you put a time limit/term on the next relationship?

if you go through a bad divorce like i did, it is best to avoid all. to let the kids say, i wanna see dad. going around her/him before the divorce is a bad idea. like i said , dick, make sure you send in money to help with the kids to at least show you care.
people don't really get the relationship out of their heads for some time. getting involved with someone else too soon is a mistake.

 

[redheadedtxn]

getting involved with someone else too soon is a mistake.

Is a fuck-buddy okay?

 

[Luk]

Is a fuck-buddy okay?

Hell no! The weekend after my ex was gone I had a hot little thing over for 3 days straight.

 

[ivantheterrible]

Why were you in jail?

sigh, i thought this was talked about. anyway, after i left my ex on oct. 30 2008 things were tense for 2 weeks. then things were fine. i shared meals with her and our kids, cut her firewood, did work on the house. then things got tense when i lost my job in dec. 08, and then my dad almost died in jan. 09. i had to BEG her to let my parents see the kids. then in march 08 AND 09 2009 she asked for sex. i refused. 3 times rejected. her car breaks down, and she issued a restraining order, she blamed me, a couple of months later i hadn't seen the kids, and i got drunk, and made a phone call. wham bam thank ya maam, i am in jail for 4 1/2 months.
all this influenced the court decision in the divorce. she had a FREE lawyer from legal aid, i had none because i couldn't afford one and she hit legal aid first.
i learned that non-custodial parents are garbage in the eyes of the law. and if you violated a restraining order, even though no violence was involved, you get fucked further.

 

[redheadedtxn]

Hell no! The weekend after my ex was gone I had a hot little thing over for 3 days straight.

Yummy. The involvement I have suits my needs perfectly. And, He gives me space win-win!

 

[Luk]

sigh, i thought this was talked about. anyway, after i left my ex on oct. 30 2008 things were tense for 2 weeks. then things were fine. i shared meals with her and our kids, cut her firewood, did work on the house. then things got tense when i lost my job in dec. 08, and then my dad almost died in jan. 09. i had to BEG her to let my parents see the kids. then in march 08 AND 09 2009 she asked for sex. i refused. 3 times rejected. her car breaks down, and she issued a restraining order, she blamed me, a couple of months later i hadn't seen the kids, and i got drunk, and made a phone call. wham bam thank ya maam, i am in jail for 4 1/2 months.
all this influenced the court decision in the divorce. she had a FREE lawyer from legal aid, i had none because i couldn't afford one and she hit legal aid first.
i learned that non-custodial parents are garbage in the eyes of the law. and if you violated a restraining order, even though no violence was involved, you get fucked further.

What was the restraining order for in the first place? Violence, right?

 

[ivantheterrible]

Is a fuck-buddy okay?

i suppose. i did that after i left my ex. i was 43 at the time and messing around with a wild and crazy 20 year old. memories................................

 

[ivantheterrible]

What was the restraining order for in the first place? Violence, right?

how about re-reading my post.

in wv all it takes is a woman to issue a restraining order and it is allowed. even if there are unfounded accusations.