ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[FungiUg]

Question:

If I were to construct a "perfect" asshat message, what do you think should be in it?

I'm thinking it should be in txt speak, mis-spell the recipient's name and make wildly incorrect assumptions about the recipient's sexuality. Any other ideas? (I was trying to think of a way to sneak in bank accounts and lawyers from nigeria, but that's mixing the media a little too much I think.)

 

[lady_poisyn]

Question:

If I were to construct a "perfect" asshat message, what do you think should be in it?

I'm thinking it should be in txt speak, mis-spell the recipient's name and make wildly incorrect assumptions about the recipient's sexuality. Any other ideas? (I was trying to think of a way to sneak in bank accounts and lawyers from nigeria, but that's mixing the media a little too much I think.)

it's always wonderful to open up a msg with simply 2 lines-
hi horny 28y/o male from xyz
wanna chat?

these are annoying, to me. you're horny? that's nice, most males are, what does this have to do with me? should i feel special because you sent me a msg saying you are horny? or should this make me horny too?

this type of im along with ims like Asshats copy paste story msgs combined with txt speak, poor spellings, wild assumptions about recipients gender, sexuality, and availability should all blend together into the perfect Asshat im =^_^= i'd hate to receive it XD

 

[ImOnIt]

hai baybeez yo its Jez hea I lukn 4 sexc hunni lyk u 2 maybee hot chat or cam hehee

Greetings, I am Clementine and I hope to perhaps nestle deep between the comely bosom displayed on your profile picture, if that is a picture of you, if not, I deeply apologise, but I remain hopeful they ARE you, but if they are not kindly take no action to reply. Expectantly, Clem.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

hai baybeez yo its Jez hea I lukn 4 sexc hunni lyk u 2 maybee hot chat or cam hehee

Greetings, I am Clementine and I hope to perhaps nestle deep between the comely bosom displayed on your profile picture, if that is a picture of you, if not, I deeply apologise, but I remain hopeful they ARE you, but if they are not kindly take no action to reply. Expectantly, Clem.

Clementine's pregnant? And you didn't tell anyone???

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

Just stumbled across this thread, I'm sure everyone has received some bizzare PMs and emails.

My pet peeve has always been those who announce in some fashion being bored, and are looking for someone to entertain them.
If you're too lazy and unimaginative to keep yourself entertained, what makes you think I want to do so for you, and what's in it for me?

Okay sorry for the little rant, carry on everyone and have a great, kinky weekend!

Agreed!

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Question:
If I were to construct a "perfect" asshat message, what do you think should be in it?

hey ur one hot women. horney 30/yo guy love 2 chat. I saw ur avitar and ur profile about being a budthist (sp). I like anal to u can be sure of that. Im also sending u this link for insest porn- when u get wet from it I can help u with you're "problem".

I want you to be my sex salve. do u like serving a big dick?

---Larry

 

[FungiUg]

do u like serving a big dick?

It's pretty hard to go past that line right there!

 

[chy_girl]

hey ur one hot women. horney 30/yo guy love 2 chat. I saw ur avitar and ur profile about being a budthist (sp). I like anal to u can be sure of that. Im also sending u this link for insest porn- when u get wet from it I can help u with you're "problem".

I want you to be my sex salve. do u like serving a big dick?

---Larry

You forgot the offer to IM the video file of "Larry" fucking his dog and how hot it is. And the follow up offer to IM the video file of "Larry's friend" sucking off a horse. And how "Larry" would love to watch said "hot woman" ass-fuck herself while watching said video(s) because it's so "hot" and he knows she'd like it because he "read" her profile.

 

[ImOnIt]

Clementine's pregnant? And you didn't tell anyone???

HAY FOXY GURL I SAW YOUR PICCY AND I PLAY PING PONG TOO!

edit: I sicken myself. I won't help construct the worst possible chat request anymore. Fie on those who suggested it.

 

[Kikori]

Yay for yahoo.

*Add request from random person*
Kikori: .... Hello?
Asshat: hi
Asshat: got ut id from lit
Kikori: Doesn't answer the first question on my mind, though.
Kikori: "Who are you?"
Asshat: hhee
Asshat: a member of lit
Kikori: That's "what" are you.
Kikori: Try again.
Kikori: :3
Asshat: 28 m who loves to share wife
Kikori: Interesting. May I have an answer now?
Asshat: yes
Asshat: ask
Kikori: I did. You've answerd the wrong question. Twice.
Asshat: ask again
Kikori: Who are you?
Asshat: am an indian
Asshat: who's living in auckland
Kikori: Again, that's "what". And now "where".
Asshat: now on veccation
Asshat: in india
Kikori: That's "what".
Kikori: Who are you?
Asshat: hahah
Asshat: a man
Kikori: That's still "what".
Asshat: oh my god
Kikori: At this point, I'm going to assume you're illiterate.
Asshat: ur asking too much
Kikori: I'm asking one thing.
Asshat: heheh
Kikori: You're the one assuming that one thing means everything else. ^_^
Asshat: doesnt matter
Kikori: Except it does, seeing as it's the one single thing I'm curious about.
Asshat: if u assume so
Asshat: doesnt make any difference
Kikori: Sure it does. Unless you answer who you are, I have no interest in an actual conversation past this game of semantics.
Asshat: ok
Asshat: well
Asshat: am working as a software programmer
Asshat is typing...
Asshat: in infosys
Kikori: That, again, is "what". Have fun being illiterate, whoever you are. ^_^
Kikori: Dunno what's so hard about "who" versus "what", though... Good luck with future escapades.

 

[lady_poisyn]

mine does not quite top koneko's, but XD
but suffice to say i just got invited to join an internet harem.

you're a lovely girl.

I haven't read all of your posts, but from what I have read you seem an interesting, thoughtful girl as well.

your Inbox is thus quite likely spammed. In fact I'm suspicious that I've messaged you before and just forgotten. I'm surprised I couldn't find a record of it, so if I have I must be not only forgetful but am becoming a poor record-keeper.

Enough rambling....let Me tell you about Myself even though your Inbox is likely full.

I'm 37 years old, a Dominant Man.

I am married and would never cheat on My wife in real life. However, like many Dominant Men, I crave the submission of more than one woman.

As I'd never cheat on My wife in real life, even if she did let Me, I am driven to the Internet...Where I've accumulated a little harem for Myself. Girls of varying ages and without much in common save for their affection, and more, for Me....And their submission.

Sometimes My girls and I "cyber," sometimes we share dreams and fantasies, sometimes we roleplay, sometimes they take pictures of themselves, or get on a webcam and do things, sometimes follow instructions in real life outside of My ability to see...It all depends. I adore all My girls and try to be a good friend to them. My online relationships tend to be long. I haven't "left' many. When I have it's been because they've forgotten their place.

More often than not, My girls grow out of Me and move on. Which I'm fine with, I have no claim on them in real life and I wish them well.

Assuming I interest you.....

Firstly, how old are you. I don't believe it said so in your Profile.

And....What's your Yahoo ID?

*smiles*
Asshat

funny things with this is, he had to ask my age (it's on my profile) he admitted to not reading all my posts (ok can't blame him on that- i've made a few) he assumed i'd be immediately interested in him (well maybe not exactly, looking back there is a "Assuming I interest you....." in there) and should give him my yahoo id. before all this is a long detailed story about him, and his online harem, and how he treats his girls well.

some how he missed that little line in my siggy *points down* "claimed by koneko"

 

[Etoile]

So tempted to change my avatar to a random ass/boob shot just to see what happens.

 

[Cattypuss]

be my sex salve.

 

[FungiUg]

So tempted to change my avatar to a random ass/boob shot just to see what happens.

Me too!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

So tempted to change my avatar to a random ass/boob shot just to see what happens.

You'd get random Asshat PMs, most likely.



Wait, that's what happens with your current AV.

 

[lady_poisyn]

You'd get random Asshat PMs, most likely.



Wait, that's what happens with your current AV.

*nods* seems avis and profile pics don't actually matter, or if they do it's just an opening for the less imaginative asshats.
i know i leave myself open with my 2 pics, as well as my photo thread, but sometimes the msgs i get sent are too much XD

 

[Seurat]

So tempted to change my avatar to a random ass/boob shot just to see what happens.

I did a collection last week, if you are interested. Just bondage and domination pics.

Personally, I like the one you have.

 

[FungiUg]

*nods* seems avis and profile pics don't actually matter, or if they do it's just an opening for the less imaginative asshats.

No one's offered to play with my pussy yet.

 

[lady_poisyn]

No one's offered to play with my pussy yet.

your pussy looks a little mean

 

[Etoile]

I get very few asshat PM's actually. Just lucky, I guess?

 

[satindesire]

No one's offered to play with my pussy yet.

To be fair, I did ask if that was YOUR pussy or just a picture of a random one on the intertubez.

 

[FungiUg]

To be fair, I did ask if that was YOUR pussy or just a picture of a random one on the intertubez.

True. So there has been some pussy interrogation!

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

It's pretty hard to go past that line right there!

Do not mik fun of Larry! Larry has more pu-c then u will ever get!!!!

You forgot the offer to IM the video file of "Larry" fucking his dog and how hot it is. And the follow up offer to IM the video file of "Larry's friend" sucking off a horse. And how "Larry" would love to watch said "hot woman" ass-fuck herself while watching said video(s) because it's so "hot" and he knows she'd like it because he "read" her profile.

I cent u that vid of Pepper n me cuz you posted u lik doggy style. Pepper is my bitch.

I get very few asshat PM's actually. Just lucky, I guess?

Can you incorporate the Japanese look with the boob/ass shot? Like, I dunno, paint a Japanese flag on one breast or something, to keep the theme?

I used to get asshat PM's from guys. Hetero guys. Sigh. Before the sex change. No, that's a lie. I used to get them before I saved up and bought an avatar. Apparently only females have green eyes. That are deep. Now I just get PMs from Woodrow Wilson, from beyond the grave. He wants me to make him repeat the Covenant of the League of Nations, smacking him and mocking his pince-nez until he comes. But I'm just not into that, Woody.

 

[satindesire]

Oh, the Asshattery! Facebook Asshat

Asshat

hey

i believe you and I meet on another website...

Me

Which one?

Asshat

literotica?

Me

Ah, I see. What's your username?

Asshat

umm? lol

give me a min to check it
Asshat is offline.
Asshat is online.

(Asshat identity removed to protect the ignorant) I recognized the identity immediately. He had sent me several asshat PMs and so I told him off and ignored him on Lit.

do u go on that website often?

Me

Daily.

You didn't by chance send me a sexual PM, did you?

Asshat

i dont think so

just a simple HI Yeah, it's pretty sad that he sends so many he can't even keep track of what random girl he's poking for cyber

Me

Oh, okay, good!

Asshat

cuz u had sum interesting post up I sincerely doubt he read any of my posts.

Me

It's a nice place to go to speak your mind. At this point I decided to search his post history and came up with a rather odd single post (his one and only in years on this site), one paragraph about having sex with his mother during Christmastime when he was 15 years old. Poorly written, terrible grammar and spelling, in exactly his 'style' of writing. I'm using style generously here, please note.

So do you really honestly have sex with your mom?

Asshat

WTF?

Me

Uh, your post on Literotica.
(Post link removed to protect the ignorant)

Asshat

lol

i copied dat story Suuuuuure.

Me

Well, hey, at least you can be honest about lying.

Asshat

would it turn u on if i did had sex with her? I sat there and stared at this message for a solid minute.

Me

Uh...for one thing, that's none of your business. For the other, NO. Incest is emotionally damaging and abusive and ruins children's lives forever.

Asshat

did y save dat story or sumthing? By story he means one sad paragraph. See above.

did u*

Me

No, I was curious to see what kind of posting activity you had on Literotica, so I searched your screen name on the site.

Since that was your one and only post, it was easy to to find in the search options.

Asshat

lol Do people really laugh out loud this much or do they type it for lack of anything intellectual to say?

i havt been on in a long time b4 now

Me

What and where a person posts can really tell you a lot about that person, providing they're being honest in their posts.

Asshat

so do u think i did fuck her den?

Me

No. I don't.

I think you probably posted that hoping that you would turn on the girl you were talking to in the thread, and get some cyber sex out of it.
Asshat is offline.
Asshat is online.


haha dam i cant even remember who i was trying to turn on

if i was trying to turn her on

if i was trying to turn her on

what thats chicks s/n? "So I can message her again and hopefully score since I'm obviously not getting into your e-pants today."

Me

I don't know.

Asshat

ill admit sumthing tho

my mom is really attractive and young

Me

Okay, that's....great to know? Ew.

Asshat

but no i never had sex with her megan

Me

You should be more honest with people when you're online.

Asshat

im not a incest person

i am

Me

Well, no, not always, obviously.

I'm just saying. Be careful what you say

because that kind of stuff can come back to haunt you Like right now, for instance.

Asshat

what did i say then?

Me

You said in that incest thread that you had sex with your mother. You told me that No, you had "copied" that "story". So, you didn't actually have sex with your mother. "Copied" that "Story" meaning "wrote" that "paragraph"

Asshat

cuz i didnt

it was just for fun

Me

So, you were being dishonest in the thread. That's not hard to figure out.

Asshat

i copied it off another website that is now expired How convenient that it's magically expired, huh?

it was so fun only megan

Me

Okay, I don't care where you got it from, that's not the point!

I'm saying you need to be cautious

One, that's plagiarizing, and that's illegal.

Two, if someone wanted to track your internet activities down, and saw that, you could get into serious trouble.

so from now on, be more careful about what you say online, okay?

I'm just trying to be helpful here. Geeze

Asshat

so ur disturbed by me copying something more then me supposedly having sex with my mom

i dont mean any harm megan its all for fun nothing more

my friends thought it was funny to see how many sicko would actually reply to it

Me

Forgive me for being rude, but you're being incredibly dense right now. You've told me that you didn't have sex with your mom. I chose to believe that you were honest, so why would I be "disturbed" about something that DID NOT HAPPEN?

Now, you freely admitted more than once that you stole someone else's work from another website to copy it for your own credit on another.

So, obviously I'm going to be more "disturbed" about something that really DID happen as opposed to what did NOT happen, got it? Or just being plain disturbed.

Asshat

how is ur physiology coming along Physiology, Psychology, they both start with P, so they have to be similar, right?!

on to another subject then

no point on arguing with you

Me

It's going swimmingly, thanks for asking. And no, there is no point in arguing with me, since there is no argument to be had. Have a good day.

Asshat

bye

Asshat

sexy Again. Ew.

************

My thoughts in RED

 

[Kikori]

From fail asshat to fail troll. XD

The most fun to talk to.