Relationship Analysis - Are we being too anal about it?

[Sir_Winston54]

From another thread:

Why do so many of us want to *define* our relationships, describe them, explain them? Why can't we just *enjoy* them? Is it possible that many "failed" relationships collapse *because* we're dissecting and analyzing them to death?

Far be it from me to criticize those of us who are AR, even OCD (unless it gets *really* ridiculous ), because I am myself certainly at *least* AR, but I see so many posts, so many threads that try to analyze BDSM, define it or its component parts, discern what constitutes "true" this, that or the other...

Yeah, it's nice to know what motivates us, at least to some extent, but I often think that this touchy-feely, modern day trend to analyze, dissect, and micro-manage everything we do is at least a substantial part of what leads to failure. I don't need to know that swinging a paddle/flogger/cane and hearing the smack/swish/swoosh/crack of its landing on the desired target somehow releases certain endorphins and other chemicals in my brain, thus engaging the attention of some other part of my brain that makes my cock get hard. All I need to know is how to hit the desired target from the appropriate angle with the "proper" amount of force, that the she who owns that target is getting her own pain/pleasure from the exercise, and that my pleasure comes from the shared experience.

Do I need to know WHY, unlike many folks in the world, I like giving pain/pleasure and pleasure rather than just bouncing on in the missionary position and thrusting away until the sensory nerves in my cock decide they're sufficiently stimulated to trigger an orgasm? Do I need to know WHY, unlike many folks in the world, she likes experiencing the pain (and other sensations) that I provide her, and that that excites her sexually?

*I* don't need to know those things. All I need to know is that it's pleasurable for us both, not permanently harmful to either of us, and that it makes us happy.

 

[JMohegan]

Far be it from me to criticize those of us who are AR, even OCD (unless it gets *really* ridiculous ), because I am myself certainly at *least* AR, but I see so many posts, so many threads that try to analyze BDSM, define it or its component parts, discern what constitutes "true" this, that or the other...

Yeah, it's nice to know what motivates us, at least to some extent, but I often think that this touchy-feely, modern day trend to analyze, dissect, and micro-manage everything we do is at least a substantial part of what leads to failure. I don't need to know that swinging a paddle/flogger/cane and hearing the smack/swish/swoosh/crack of its landing on the desired target somehow releases certain endorphins and other chemicals in my brain, thus engaging the attention of some other part of my brain that makes my cock get hard. All I need to know is how to hit the desired target from the appropriate angle with the "proper" amount of force, that the she who owns that target is getting her own pain/pleasure from the exercise, and that my pleasure comes from the shared experience.

Do I need to know WHY, unlike many folks in the world, I like giving pain/pleasure and pleasure rather than just bouncing on in the missionary position and thrusting away until the sensory nerves in my cock decide they're sufficiently stimulated to trigger an orgasm? Do I need to know WHY, unlike many folks in the world, she likes experiencing the pain (and other sensations) that I provide her, and that that excites her sexually?

*I* don't need to know those things. All I need to know is that it's pleasurable for us both, not permanently harmful to either of us, and that it makes us happy.

A refreshing though somewhat surprising thread topic, from Mr. GoReadTheLitLibrary himself!

For a lot of people, non-mainstream relationship issues relate to more than just flogging and fucking. I don't see many folks asking the "why" questions you mention. It's usually more of a 'where do I fit in', or 'how do I make this work,' type of thing.

I do agree that an obsession with the alleged standards of cultural BDSM hinders relationships in many cases. I also see an extraordinary amount of oversharing, though that's probably an Internet thing.

 

[00Syd]

Sometimes it just feels good to talk about it.

*shrug*

 

[BiBunny]

If I don't understand the "why," I'll run myself crazy trying to figure it out. So in the long run, it makes me somewhat less crazy to answer the "why." If that makes sense at all.

 

[Netzach]

I actually find the chemical stuff infinitely more interesting than how to make my non kinky boyfriend kinky. If anything I'm exhausted by the search for mystical romantic woo and fascinated by the "why we fuck" stuff.

 

[where]

maybe it's because BDSM relationships are out of the norms we are given as templates. For many people it can be very contradictory to take on certain roles in a BDSM relationship and the... deviancy (for want of a better word) of this form of relationship means that many people can't just go down the pub and talk about it with their mum/dad/brother/sister/ colleague from work, like you can with a vanilla relationship.

And if you think a lot of time is devoted to analysing BDSM relationships, you have never been on a female focussed vanilla site!

 

[CutieMouse]

I actually find the chemical stuff infinitely more interesting than how to make my non kinky boyfriend kinky. If anything I'm exhausted by the search for mystical romantic woo and fascinated by the "why we fuck" stuff.

*nods muchly*

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think in part you are onto something here. There are a lot who dissect every minute moment and detail, sometimes repeatedly even after it has seemingly been exhausted by they themselves. I can understand the desire to do so, but sometimes if you pick something apart too much to try and understand why it is, you kill it in the process.....sort of like a bad scientific experiment method. The culture we live in of psych analysis has probably lead to a lot of the dissection. Sometimes it is good to just let things be and enjoy it for the beauty of being.

I think also that an offshoot of a lot of people's investigation is comparing themselves, their relationship, their quirks to others and coming up feeling cheated, dissatisfied, jealous, unhappy. While this can be a genuine reflection on what is happening in their life, more often than not it is the age old story of perceived dissatisfaction that arises whenever you compare yourself and life to other's without remembering we are all individuals and what fits one person may not remotely fit another...not to mention that sometimes those people who appear to have it all sorted and perfect can often be bending the truth significantly. That then makes a comparison tricky as you are comparing reality to fantasy and hoping the two come out evenly matched...not going to happen.

Catalina

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I don't tend to get much into the analysis, unless something, or someone, or a question makes me question that in relation to myself.

I'm prone to getting caught up in my own head to the point where I confuse the issue entirely and forget what it is I'm supposed to be working out.

So now, I just go with the flow. I like what I like. Trying to figure out why is like trying to figure out why I like peas and not beans and chocolate ice cream instead of strawberry.

 

[intothewoods]

I agree that if defining yourself is causing you more stress than helpful self-awareness, you might want to chill. On the other hand, I'm actually enjoying seeing it all unfold at the moment. Going deeper into submission is interesting, and so is being so focused and challenged at work that offering any useful service would be a near impossibility. Offering any anything at that moment would be a near impossibility, but I digress. All of the nuances are kind of cool.

 

[graceanne]

Must better put than what I've said, which is you can over think things; it's exhausting to watch, I can't imagine being the over thinker.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

A refreshing though somewhat surprising thread topic, from Mr. GoReadTheLitLibrary himself!

For those of us that have endured argumentum ad nauseam, it was a first response, when the library was worth a damn. Others (myself included) ignore them, or disappear until the stupidity passes. No clue if you've been here when school lets out for holidays or the summer. That's usually the best time to plan a vacation.

 

[Aquila1]

Yes

I am not by nature all that interested in emotional/psychological/relationship navel-gazing. It just doesn't fascinate me, but I accept that others like it and feel the need to do it - incessantly so, it seems at times. But if that's what spins their wheels - more power to them. I have far more pressing matters to attend to. Like eating chocolate. And drinking wine. And growing carrots.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I think the culture in general has a tendency to want to categorize and and over analyze every little thing, at least in America. If Little Johnny is a bit restless in class, then lets take him to the shrink he may have a disorder. I like to control and hurt my woman/women. Yeah, that makes me something that many people would want to label as (place current favoured terms for mysonagistic asshammer here.)

I am what I am... When I try to deny it, I become miserable...

 

[DVS]

I think we're trying to understand, for the most part. Love and relationships can be difficult and complex. When they work, you still need to keep them fresh. When they don't work, it's not always easy to make that separation from someone you've been with for a long time. And if your partner just leaves, with no explanation for why, you're left with all sorts of questions that you never get answers for.

It might also be like the toilet seat...one gender wants it always left down, and the other always prefers up. Let's face it. Women and men are different. It should be no big mystery to anybody that we don't see things the same way. But, that's all I'll say about that. I want to keep breathing.

Sexual attraction is what draws us together, but that isn't enough to keep us together. Oh, it would be for me, but I'm just a pervert. Emotions are what fulfills us. Understanding our emotions can be as difficult as understanding why we like BDSM.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I agree that analyzing, dissecting, overthinking can be like poking food too much while it's cooking: you can just make a mess and spoil it.

And yet, I cannot not do it. I find it fascinating, albeit sometimes exhausting. I'm always scanning my surroundings, trying to figure out what this says about the larger that. Sometimes, I wish I could turn that off. In fact, D/s sex helps me turn that part of my brain off and lose myself in what I really want and need.

For me, at least (like BiBunny), I have to know the why, or at least pretend I know the why.

But even I get terminally bored with "What is a true PYL/pyl relationship?" Please. Kill me now. People are different, with wildly varying preferences, circumstances and needs. You might as well start a thread called "What is a true food?"

 

[midwestyankee]

Over analysis of the relationship is a hard limit for me.

 

[eastern sun]

I never made the connection between anal and analysis, but that could explain a lot.

 

[neci]

i love the analysis of the over analysis.

as for over thinking and AR or OCD, i do what feels right.

it fits or it doesn't.

as far as being too anal about it... well... i do enjoy the pain involved in anal.

 

[Keroin]

Introspection and analysis are the burdens of luxury.

Walked into the grocery store this morning and tried to remember how I saw it all after first leaving the island. Couldn't. Mind adapts to more and then wants more.

 

[~Haze~]

I actually find the chemical stuff infinitely more interesting than how to make my non kinky boyfriend kinky. If anything I'm exhausted by the search for mystical romantic woo and fascinated by the "why we fuck" stuff.

One of the things that I find interesting about this conversation is that you can keep it as complicated and as involved as you like. As we've already witnessed. Interestingly enough, often times it might be over-analyzing something that is a very simple, basic, primal or instinctive fulfillment of wants, needs, and desires.

What I mean by that is "we want what we want and we find a way to satisfy that want (or need)."

We're motivated to seek out things that satisfy something, and that something can be different for all of us or for each of us. It can also be different from relationship to relationship.

Motivation can be based on one of many factors - often times, even conflicting needs, such as... emotional, physical, psychological, physical, or biological urges that we're giving into.

At least - I think. But the more posts that I read, the less sure I am about the topic.

I think in part you are onto something here. There are a lot who dissect every minute moment and detail, sometimes repeatedly even after it has seemingly been exhausted by they themselves. I can understand the desire to do so, but sometimes if you pick something apart too much to try and understand why it is, you kill it in the process.....sort of like a bad scientific experiment method. The culture we live in of psych analysis has probably lead to a lot of the dissection. Sometimes it is good to just let things be and enjoy it for the beauty of being.

I think also that an offshoot of a lot of people's investigation is comparing themselves, their relationship, their quirks to others and coming up feeling cheated, dissatisfied, jealous, unhappy. While this can be a genuine reflection on what is happening in their life, more often than not it is the age old story of perceived dissatisfaction that arises whenever you compare yourself and life to other's without remembering we are all individuals and what fits one person may not remotely fit another...not to mention that sometimes those people who appear to have it all sorted and perfect can often be bending the truth significantly. That then makes a comparison tricky as you are comparing reality to fantasy and hoping the two come out evenly matched...not going to happen.

Catalina

I've had this discussion a efw times recently and I think in each case, there are a few things going on.

People have a need to label things and identify things - often times before they've developed into whatever label they want to slap on things and that's when the "over analyzing" begins. People start asking questions that aren't ready to be answered or don't need to be answered because of this urge (or need) to articulate one of these things, like...

Are you my girlfriend? Are you my boyfriend? Where is this relationship headed? What do you think of me? Am I beautiful? I am dominant. I am submissive. I am a man.I am a boss. I am in charge. Et cetera, et cetera ...

I think those questions often prevent (should we call it 'a relationship'?) a relationship from following it's natural course because the end destination has been identified.

And the labels - people are quick to slap a label on themselves and on others. But just like they questions, they can be restrictive.

Over the years, I've slapped many labels or identities (and this is why I hate labels) on, and every time I have, my experiences tend to fall within the boundaries of that label.

I hate to think that I missed out on something because it falls outside of whatever title I have at that time. Whether it be a relationship or an adventure or an experience of any kind.

But... we're human and we have this need to identify, associate, and label - even if it's prematurely.

 

[Aquila1]

Introspection and analysis are the burdens of luxury.

Walked into the grocery store this morning and tried to remember how I saw it all after first leaving the island. Couldn't. Mind adapts to more and then wants more.

*nods*

 

[graceanne]

when school lets out for holidays or the summer. That's usually the best time to plan a vacation.

QFT..

 

[callinectes2]

I used to be hung up on the why. Then I realized it was making me crazy and affecting my relationship. Since then I have adopted the Bud Dry philosophy of "Why ask Why". We are both much happier as a result.

 

[Netzach]

Introspection and analysis are the burdens of luxury.

Walked into the grocery store this morning and tried to remember how I saw it all after first leaving the island. Couldn't. Mind adapts to more and then wants more.

I agree to a point. Complex thinking isn't the province of starving people, but it kicks in once everyone's fed.

What's been dangerous in the past is an assumption that because people are not living as we are (whatever westernized often white got lots of gadgets you want to insert as we) we assume that other people living differently are incapable of the nuanced introspection and Really Important Thoughts that we are. Or we make it into a fetish. Oh to be primitive and stress free, free from introspection.

So we can take their stuff or ignore them or both. There are different ways to deal with the world - I think most cultures that are feeding themselves have a version of "navel gazing" or stress behaviors - even culturally-bound psychoses, from cargo cult to kitsune possession. People are stressed out.