Opinions sought re: cheating

[RmblnMn]

I'm seeking opinons as to whether utilizing the services of a pro domme would be considered cheating when one is living a celibate life because:

a.) one's spouse no longer has any interest at all in sex and no longer engages in it.

b.) the spouse, formerly quite open-minded, now considers any form of sex, other than 'vanilla' to be somewhat perverse.

c.) the celibacy is NOT a result of any form of submission, dominance or punishment.

d.) the pro domme's services are not being sought for the sex but rather for a sense of spiritual enlightenment and an exploration of one's limits.

 

[StrayKat]

Personally I would consider as cheating anything I would deliberately hide for whatever reason from other person, be it sex, exploration or spiritual enlightenment.
I dont generally do that since if I was going to hide something it would mean I feel like I am doing something wrong and then my conscience troubles me more than my SO or whoever I cheated on would. For the same reason people find me blunt and inconsiderate sometimes, I almost never hide anything.

 

[WriterDom]

It's cheating without the spouse's knowledge and approval.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Since you are asking this question and listing excuses trying to justify why it is not cheating then it would seem that you think it is cheating. If you think it is, or your wife thinks that it is..then it is.

But...whether it is called cheating or not from your list of excuses you have a marriage that is ailing.

I don't make judgements on people who have affairs. I hate the word "cheating".

Don't make excuses. See the situation for what it is and then make your decision knowing the potential consequences.

No marriage should be devoid of sexual intimacy. Try communication, real communication first.

Good luck.

 

[FurryFury]

If you are keeping secrets from your spouse that's cheating.

 

[rida]

Whatever you call it, it is not the point.

And finding excuses or reason to rationalize it for your own conscience and the public opinion is not what you should worry about either.

What you should carefully consider is, whatever you decide to do (or not do), are you ready to deal with the consequences?

I do not mean only the obvious consequence of being find out if you do decide to move ahead. Many people that do things secretly (and it does not even have to do with sex) often underestimate the stress and the difficulties too keep covering up the truth. Because once you go secretive, you will have to be careful not to let it out. And it might mean that you have to keep the secret forever.

Own up to your actions and consequences. You are the only one to know if there is no other solution.

 

[graceanne]

Personally I would consider as cheating anything I would deliberately hide for whatever reason from other person, be it sex, exploration or spiritual enlightenment.
I dont generally do that since if I was going to hide something it would mean I feel like I am doing something wrong and then my conscience troubles me more than my SO or whoever I cheated on would. For the same reason people find me blunt and inconsiderate sometimes, I almost never hide anything.

Well put.

 

[secretsub6046]

Seems you know its cheating

The question is really is it worth it to you?

 

[vibes]

Personally I would consider as cheating anything I would deliberately hide for whatever reason from other person, be it sex, exploration or spiritual enlightenment.
I dont generally do that since if I was going to hide something it would mean I feel like I am doing something wrong and then my conscience troubles me more than my SO or whoever I cheated on would. For the same reason people find me blunt and inconsiderate sometimes, I almost never hide anything.

Yeah-yeah

 

[Netzach]

Whatever you call it, it is not the point.

And finding excuses or reason to rationalize it for your own conscience and the public opinion is not what you should worry about either.

What you should carefully consider is, whatever you decide to do (or not do), are you ready to deal with the consequences?

I do not mean only the obvious consequence of being find out if you do decide to move ahead. Many people that do things secretly (and it does not even have to do with sex) often underestimate the stress and the difficulties too keep covering up the truth. Because once you go secretive, you will have to be careful not to let it out. And it might mean that you have to keep the secret forever.

Own up to your actions and consequences. You are the only one to know if there is no other solution.

Could not have said it better. The reality is though, when you have a sexuality that is never going to be addressed in your marriage you are already keeping a secret forever.

Which secret you want to keep forever is really the question or if you do not want and she's going to freak, your willingness to assert the importance of your sexuality comes into play - only you know the cost-benefit of each scenario.

You live once. Figure out how you want to do it. Yes you are about to cheat if you do it and 9 out of 10 lit posters are ready to crucify you as a coward, asshole, dickface, scumbucket.

Now if you want to live for them, let that sink in.

 

[StrayKat]

Yeah-yeah

Shush there and go back to Playground

I said "almost"

 

[RmblnMn]

The question is really is it worth it to you?

From your previous post, I know that you understand that this is the question with which I'm really wrestling.

To those who have responded, thank you for your input. You have given me much to consider and the answer to my original question has been answered, unanimously. Now I do need to decide whether or not it is worth it to me to proceed.

In reply to one comment made in response to my OP: Our marriage only ails in the sexual intimacy department....obviously an area of great frustration. In all other areas we are supportive best friends/companions. We mostly share the same values and many of the same interests.

Again, to all, thanks for your responses.

 

[MisterSir]

I ask this, already knowing the answer, but have you discussed this problem with your wife already?

 

[RmblnMn]

Yes, discussions have been had.

In general, there are 2 responses when the subject is broached:

a.) Total silence...ignoring the question as if she never heard it.

or

b.) "If this is the only part of the marriage that you're dissatified with, then decide if you're
better off with or w/o me."

Now, if this was some sort of PE that we agreed upon, I could/would be all for it but as she exhibits no other Domme traits (and used to get turned off when I wanted to switch) that's certainly not the role being assumed.

To be fair, her low libido may be a genetic charcteristic of her maternal line based upon my observations of the women in her previous generation....(or possibly, a low self-esteem issue that needs to be resolved but hasn't been in the last 15 years since this began).

Being between a rock & a hard place, I feel "doomed" no matter what I decide.

 

[SinfulSailor]

Yes, discussions have been had.

In general, there are 2 responses when the subject is broached:

a.) Total silence...ignoring the question as if she never heard it.

or

b.) "If this is the only part of the marriage that you're dissatified with, then decide if you're
better off with or w/o me."

Now, if this was some sort of PE that we agreed upon, I could/would be all for it but as she exhibits no other Domme traits (and used to get turned off when I wanted to switch) that's certainly not the role being assumed.

To be fair, her low libido may be a genetic charcteristic of her maternal line based upon my observations of the women in her previous generation....(or possibly, a low self-esteem issue that needs to be resolved but hasn't been in the last 15 years since this began).

Being between a rock & a hard place, I feel "doomed" no matter what I decide.

Even in 'nilla circles that's pretty widely recognized as being an untenable position.

I note that way back yonder in time, before divorces were widely or often allowed - even then "alienation of affection" was grounds for divorce. Ie., it was a serious problem that merited a solution.

Also..... it's nice to be among a crowd that mixes a little morality with their kink. Got blasted off a board over on FL for sticking up for honesty in relationships.

 

[ImOnIt]

It is your responsibility to let anyone else know how you feel! YES! IT IS NOT EASY!

Are you lacking in communication? (lol, yes). Are you placing expectations on your wife? Are you communicating constantly what you need?

You could make a flow diagram or something!



Need sex (or a good session of whatever it is you want. A------> see someone else
B------> go without
C------> your wife

Do i try to restore my relationship? A------> yes
B------> no

Do i take responsibility for communicating and make myself heard, while acting in a way you admire, with honesty, openness and respect for yourself and your needs and wants. y/n


It is your job to get what you want and need and behave in a way consistant with your needs. She cant guess. If you say 'Well, of course I want to fuck, I am a man blah blah blah' then ALTHOUGH it is truthful it is not a desirable or attractive way to get what you want.

Because, it is not fucking easy to ask something. It is very difficult to open up. Even if you do, it is easy to misinterpret responses. It is easy to become defensive after one criticism or ignorant statement. But if you say no, you dont understand me, this is how i feel. Good words can be 'scared, shy, nervous, insecure, cautious.'

If i'm uneasy about discussing something, i might say 'im shy about asking but ....' and then i say it. I may not really FEEL shy, but it recognises the difficulties in such a discussion, and is a *slight* position of vulnerability/openness to start from, which can make discussion very easy.

Edit for niceness ---> Sounds bad man I sincerely hope you manage to get what you need in an acceptable way. *positive thoughts*

 

[Adakgirl]

b.) "If this is the only part of the marriage that you're dissatified with, then decide if you're
better off with or w/o me."

It's sad that she is so unyielding about this. I find it extremely selfish. That "It's in my DNA" excuse is a cop-out. If that was her reply then that is what you have to do. Sneaking behind her back to seek satisfaction, be it sexual or emotional, will not improve your situation. It will only make it more unbearable for you.

I can't imagine not having... at least some form of sex, with my spouse for the rest of our married lives. Sex and intimacy is vitally important in a relationship in my opinion. But only you can decide how important it is to your personal happiness. Life is too short, you don't have to compromise if you don't want too.

 

[FurryFury]

Maybe she just knows herself well enough to know she can't do what he wants and is willing to lay things on the line and be honest about it.

What makes his needs to be kinky more important than her needs to not be kinky?

I ask because I've been over this in my relationship with my husband. He didn't sign on for kinky. I didn't know I'd been craving it. Who says I get to demand it now? No one.

 

[rida]

Could not have said it better. The reality is though, when you have a sexuality that is never going to be addressed in your marriage you are already keeping a secret forever.

Which secret you want to keep forever is really the question or if you do not want and she's going to freak, your willingness to assert the importance of your sexuality comes into play - only you know the cost-benefit of each scenario.

You live once. Figure out how you want to do it. Yes you are about to cheat if you do it and 9 out of 10 lit posters are ready to crucify you as a coward, asshole, dickface, scumbucket.

Now if you want to live for them, let that sink in.

Thank you!

And yes there is that too to consider: can you live the rest of your life being sexually unfulfilled.

 

[rida]

Yes, discussions have been had.

In general, there are 2 responses when the subject is broached:

a.) Total silence...ignoring the question as if she never heard it.

or

b.) "If this is the only part of the marriage that you're dissatified with, then decide if you're
better off with or w/o me."

Somehow I find it hard to believe that when a spouse gives only the above two reactions, that even them are really happy with the relationship.

Perhaps for you it is indeed an issue of "everything is perfect but the sex". But she might have other issues that she is not addressing or expressing, beside lack of sex drive and not sharing in your sexual fantasy (you want her to be the Domme, right? perhaps she'd rather be the sub? or no interest in kink at all?).

If it is indeed really a genetic reason that keeps her from being interested in sex at all, have you been able to talk about how she feels about it?

Considering that you have being trying to talk and rise the issue with her for quite some time, she is probably at a point where discussing anything sexual is not going to happen. Chances are she has build resentments of her own feeling pressured and perhaps even feeling blamed for her lack of sexual interest.

I know that when Hubby and I went through a similar rough spot, in his mind the only problem was my lack of initiative in sex, while for me there were more things at play. And feeling pressured to perform on demand putting aside all the stress and personal feels/needs (it was pre D/s days. now I suck it up) and as if it was just my fault if he was unhappy, did not make me willing to discuss his 3some and swinging fantasies.

And last, but not least, perhaps with response b she is letting you know that she too might be ready to move on and get out of the relationship. Have you ever asked what she wants for the two of you down the line?

 

[subwannabe]

Sorry if I missed it, but, have you ever had a great sex life? If so I find it hard to believe she has fallen off the wagon to this degree without having some kind of reason, even it is subconcious. You say that every other aspect of your relationship is just fine other than the bedroom. If she was much better at sex in the past than she is now I find that hard to believe. There is probably something else going on that you are unaware of.

 

[Adakgirl]

What makes his needs to be kinky more important than her needs to not be kinky?

We were not talking about the need to be kinky or not. We were talking about a wife's refusal to have sex with her husband in any way, shape, or form. A spouse, his chosen life partner, who intends to keep refusing to have sexual relations with him for entire remaining life of their marriage. If she had a medical problem, then that would be reasonable and understandable, but she just doesn't want to.

 

[LilTexanGal]

Personally I would consider as cheating anything I would deliberately hide for whatever reason from other person, be it sex, exploration or spiritual enlightenment.
I dont generally do that since if I was going to hide something it would mean I feel like I am doing something wrong and then my conscience troubles me more than my SO or whoever I cheated on would. For the same reason people find me blunt and inconsiderate sometimes, I almost never hide anything.

I feel the same....

 

[FurryFury]

We were not talking about the need to be kinky or not. We were talking about a wife's refusal to have sex with her husband in any way, shape, or form. A spouse, his chosen life partner, who intends to keep refusing to have sexual relations with him for entire remaining life of their marriage. If she had a medical problem, then that would be reasonable and understandable, but she just doesn't want to.

I'm not at all sure that's the case.

 

[MisterSir]

I don't know, that seems pretty much like the case to me.

I'm seeking opinons as to whether utilizing the services of a pro domme would be considered cheating when one is living a celibate life because:

a.) one's spouse no longer has any interest at all in sex and no longer engages in it.

b.) the spouse, formerly quite open-minded, now considers any form of sex, other than 'vanilla' to be somewhat perverse.

c.) the celibacy is NOT a result of any form of submission, dominance or punishment.