Story Discussion: 26 Sept 09 - "The Forbidden Fruit – Ch. 01" by PnC83

[PeachandCream83]

Hi, everyone.

The segment I'm posting for critique is chapter 1 of a story that I only just started. It's more along the line of a short story at this point. I'm wanting to find out if I have the potential to add more chapters. I have written two chapters thus far; if htis one is enjoyed I'll post the second.

In advance I'll make noted I am not the best speller, I do use spell check but some words my be spelled currect but with differant meaning. I have caught a magority of these but just in case......

The story is more along the lines of a romance and has some breaf sexual "thoughts". So I would say it is a romance with erotica.

Please let me know what you think, I have tuff skin so be honest.

Thanks ya'll!

 

[PeachandCream83]

The Forbidden Fruit – Ch. 01

Cidney Jacobs could not believe she was 24 and still a virgin; well practically, dildos do not count in her book. All of her friends had been either dating none stop and enjoying a healthy sex life, or were married and enjoy sex every night. But not her, oh no, her daddy and brothers made sure she couldn’t get a real sex life.

She thought about leaving town to find a guy, but daddy always gave her the guilt trip. And her brothers would threaten to move with her. So she would always give in and stay. She had just finished her Masters in Business at Columbia, so she knew that she could go anywhere, but with daddy always reminding her how much she looked like her mom and how he just wants to protect her, she couldn’t help but to stay and follow suit in the family business. The only problem was she couldn’t really enjoy the job when she knew she couldn’t really have what she wanted.

Dirty blonde curls halfway down her back; she was 5’6 with an athletic build, not to mention a 36C rack with a tight ass (total girl next door, tomboy). She was smoking hot with piercing green eyes and every male in the building would go nuts if she would give them her signature cocky smile. Her smile would say, “Yeah, you want it but you don’t have the balls to face daddy”.

Yeah, her dad was the owner and CEO of New York’s Finest Athletes PR Firm and everyone including the athletes, new to keep away. Daddy was a retired Line backer from the New York Giant and even in retirement he kept in shape. He also had the best PR firm on the East coast and was one of the top three leading PR firms in the US. So if you messed with what was his, he could destroy you (physically or in your career). Not to mention her two brothers who were also always around.

Michael Hemming has been playing Quarterback for the New York Giants for 2 Years now and has had Stephen Jacobs represent him ever since. With jet black hair and sky blue eyes and coming in at 6’3, 215lbs all muscle, he’s never had a problem with the ladies. And he knows it, but the problem is there’s only one he’s wanted, Cidney Jacobs.

Every time he visited the offices of NYFA PR firm, it takes everything in him to keep from looking at her. She is always dressed incredibly and today was no different. She’s dressed to the nines in a tight button up silk blouse of navy blue that shows of her luscious breast and a fitted knee length black pencil skirt with 4” heel stilettos. The woman has legs that go for miles and all he could think about was wrapping those legs around his hips as he entered her slowly to the hilt and then……….

”Mr. Hemming, Mr. Jacobs will see you now.” Jessie said at his right, pulling him from his own thoughts. He stood to enter the office and adjusted his slacks a little.
“Hey boy, how’s the arm doing?” Mr. Jacobs asks as he reaches to shake Michael’s hand.

“Good, I’m glade it’s the off season so all I have is practice to worry about.” Michael replies.

Michael pulled his shoulder a little this past season and was meeting with Mr. Jacobs to follow up on some outside deals to keep the money coming in on residuals. Mr. Jacobs starts in on all the current deals Michael has going and what he has planned in regards to the injuries. Michael really liked knowing Mr. Jacobs was taking care of him. The meeting runs smoothly and as they stood to leave, She enters.

“Daddy, we really need to…..” Cidney trails off, obviously had not realizing that Michael was in there.

“Honey, I’ll be right with you, Mr. Hemming was on his way out.” Her daddy was just standing as he announced.

But she had her eyes fixed on Michael. She was thinking to herself how she wishes she could have her pick and her family would let her. He is just so mouth watering and dripping sex. Cidney gives her signature smirk and turns to her daddy, “Well, then I’ll just wait right out side. We need to go over these new proposals I’ve been working on for Jack Manning”.

Cidney steps out of the office and steps up to Jessie who always has something to say about the Athletes who come into the offices, “Don’t you just want to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of his tootsie pop?!” Jessie says with a wink and licks her lips.

Cidney just rolled her eyes at her. Jessie was the sweetest person Cidney knew, but the horniest. She’s a walking estrogen pill and is always sleeping with the clients. She’s a gorgeous 5’5 brunette with a great body, who wouldn’t want to sleep with her? To be honest Cidney lived vicariously through her, seeing how she didn’t have a sex life of her own. But she was also a little jealous of Jessie right now because if she slept with Michael and Cidney couldn’t, well it would just suck.

“Yeah if daddy and my brothers weren’t so protective I’d have had plenty of licks by now” Cidney replies just as Michael steps out of her daddy’s office. Of course she has her back to him and didn’t even realize he was standing there with her daddy right next to him! So she continues, “I have so much pent up sexual frustration that my vibrator has lost its motor! And if I don’t get laid soon I’ll just end up jumping off of Trump tower!”

Jessie is coughing at this point trying really hard to get Cidney to shut up but she was on a roll, “And if I could have a lick of Michael Hemming’s lolly pop, I wouldn’t stop at licking, I’d have his tootsie pop sucked clean off the stick!”

Just then her father clears his throat and she turns to see her daddy red faced and Michael doing his best to keep from smirking at her. She was mortified!?

“Well, uhem…..” Michael clears his throat now and turns to shake Mr. Jacobs’s hand. “I’ll see you Thursday Mr. Jacobs.” he says as he takes his leave. He was a little shell shocked by what he heard and at the same time he did not want to stick around to embarrass Cidney any more then she already was. But he had to say, she blushes in the most erotic way. He would love to see how she’d look flushed from his bedroom play.

Cidney steps into her daddy’s office and he closes the door. “I was a little surprised to hear you’re so sexually frustrated you’d commit suicide?!” her dad starts.

But she butt in, “Daddy, you guys never let me be a normal 24 year old! I’m smart enough and old enough to take the reins in my life now. You and the boys have always been great protectors and I love you but it’s getting really old.”

“Honey, you just don’t know how guys think, and you’re a beautiful girl that every man would just want one thing from …..” her daddy tries to reason with her.
At this point She had had it so she says, “That’s just it daddy, I’m not a girl anymore. I’m a woman and I should be allowed to make that mistake on my own!” Tears start to swim in her eyes and she tries to hold them back.

“I didn’t mean you were not capable of making decisions on your own honey, you just don’t know how men think is all. And I don’t want you to get hurt. You’re so much like your mom that you see the good in everyone. I just don’t want some man to say what you want to hear just to get into your pants and then leave you heart broken,” Her dad tries to sooth.

But it doesn’t change her mind, “You have to let me grow up some time, and now is the time. Either you leave me to my own devices, to choose who I want to date and what I want in the relationships or I’m going to move out of state. And neither Brandon nor Johnny will be allowed to follow. I will have no more of this. I’m a grown woman with a Masters; I believe it’s time I take control over my life from now on!” She said as she takes her stand.

“But Honey…..” He starts but she doesn’t let him finish. She needed to make her point now or she’ll never have a life.

“No ‘BUTs’! I’m serious, what’s it going to be?” She asks. He audible takes a deep breath as if she slapped him across the face, but she’s not fazed.
Finally he sighs and says, “OK, I knew you’d eventually stand up to me. Your momma always did too. But can you at least make me a promise, if anyone, and I mean anyone hurts you, will you come to me or your brothers?”
Cidney smiles and reply, “Sure.”

That night Cidney couldn’t fall asleep, she was so excited. She was finally able to date like normal people her age with out any interference! Man, where should I start; she thought to herself. She knew who she’d like to start with, Michael Hemming. Maybe she’ll bump into him Thursday and just slid her number into his hand, or maybe she’ll just grow wings and fly. He’d never give her the time of day, she was no where near his level of sexuality and she made an ass of herself today right in front of him. Jessie was still laughing about it at the bar after work. She’ll never live that one down. Cidney always went with Jessie for drinks on Tuesday nights at Scaldoni’s; it’s two blocks down from the office. It’s a great place to meet guys is what Jessie says, but she had never been able to pick any up, until now. A smile forms on her face again as she thought of how easy it would be to date now.

Michael sits in front of his 64”plasma watching ESPN’s follow ups on the season and just barely able to keep his mind on the show. All he could think about was the comment Cidney said. Hell, he’d love for her to lick his stick too baby, but daddy and big brothers would have his head and his career in the shitter.

But it’s nice to think about that sweat mouth around his cock, working her tongue around the head as he held her hair back out of her way and his view. She would take him deep in her throat until he felt her gag and hear her moans. God, he could just feel it now! While she’s giving him head he’d have her on her hands and knees in front of him as he set on his knees. He’d reach down and smack her ass just enough to make it pink. That ass is so hot he could just feel it on his hand! He’d grab it just hard enough to hear her moan and then he’d use both hands to grab each cheek and squeeze while pulling her up and into his lap as he sat back on the floor. She’s straddle him, lowering herself slowly on his shaft, all the while he’s squeezing her tight ass in his hands pushing her further down on him until he’s in deep…….

The phone rings by the couch and he curses while he reaches for it. It’s Brandon Jacobs, one of Cidney’s big brothers, “Hey Mike, dad mentioned your meeting today and I thought I’d give you the heads up. Cidney has made it clear she’s going to date who ever she wants and we have to step aside.” Brandon and Michael normally hung out and had a couple of beers from time to time, when they both have time. But he couldn’t see why he’d be calling him about this.

“OK and you called me because…...” Michael starts, but before he could finish Brandon lays into him.

“I just wanted to give you a warning in advance. I’ve noticed how you’re always checking her out when she’s in the room and I know she’s made some comments in front of you recently that would lead you to believe you have a shot. So here is your warning; if you hurt her, we have permission to kick your ass!” Brandon said just before he hung up.

Wow, Michael thought, I guess dreams really do come true!

Thursday morning Cidney entered the office dresses in her favorite white silk button down blouse that’s fitted to show of her full perky breast and shows just enough cleavage to keep the eyes traveling. Along with her tight knee length black skirt that shows off her ass perfectly with a pair of 4” stilettos, she felt sexy.

She made her way to her office to finish up some portfolios that she planned to have presented to daddy for his meetings next week. Just as she sat at her desk, Michael walks in with a smile on his face and looking totally GQ in his Navy Suit.
“Good morning gorgeous” He says in a low voice. She was a little taken aback by him being here in her office, much less here at the firm so early. His appointment wasn’t until this afternoon, five hours away!

“Hi there, what brings you by so early!?” Cidney asks.

Michael was enjoying her shock. “I wanted to get to you before your schedule filled up. I want to take you to lunch today, if that’s ok with you?” he replies. “And my place after” he wanted to add.

Cidney looked like she was lost for words, but she quickly found her words when she replied, “That would be lovely. Where are we going?”

“I thought I’d take you to Trattoria Dopo Teatro. Do you like Italian?” he said. He wanted to add, “If you like Italian you’d love this one”.

“Sure that sounds great. What time and I’ll meet you there?” So she thought to play hard to get, well it’s a good thing he already knew what she wanted.

So he replied, “How about around 12 and I’ll pick you up,” and he winked at her just before he turn and walk out of the office.

Cidney could not catch her breath. He was just oozing sex with the way he took up a room. He was such a dominant male with all of his; take charge and tells her what was going to happen. She watched as he walked out of her office and couldn’t take her eyes off his ass.

He sure had a nice ass, she thought. She would just love to grab it while he was between her legs pumping deep inside her. She could just imagine what an experience that would be. She starts to fan herself with a folder from her desk when Jessie walks in.

“So, did he ask you out? I totally told everyone about you standing up to your dad. I bet every male in the 20 mile radius is going to be blowing up your phone now that your dad and brothers are backing off.”

She still couldn’t believe she had done that either, Cidney had been getting calls, emails, and surprise visits from all kinds of guys. But really she was only looking forward to Michael’s advances. She wondered why it took him so long to step up. Well, she’s not going to play easy breezy with him. He’s going to have to work for it. Besides she doesn’t have any experience with real dating and no experience in the bedroom, vibrators don’t count. But she damned well planned on getting some!
Remembering the question Jessie just asked she replied, “Yeah, he’s taking me to lunch today”.

“I wish he would have ever asked me on a date. I’ve flirted with him for the past two years and he has never really given me the time of day” Jessie put on a mock frown.
That made Cidney’s day knowing that he was one man Jessie couldn’t get into her bed. In a way she was curious as to why, but she wasn’t going to put too much infuses on it. It’s not like he only had eyes for her.

Michael took Cidney to lunch and the food was great and the company was exquisite. Cidney actually enjoyed their conversations and Michael just looked so yummy. They talked about his youth and how his dad always pushed him into sports and she talked about how all she ever new was sports because of her dad and brothers. Her mother died when she was only four and being the youngest she was always protected from everything. He was an only child because his mother had difficulties after his birth so she couldn’t have anymore. So he was the focus of their attentions too.

After lunch he brought her back to the office and walked her in. Just as she turned to say good bye, Michael was right there, with in inches of her face. He had closed the door and was reaching his hand up to her face and she lifted her face to his as he lowered his lips to hers. The kiss was soft and slow at first and she felt tortured.
She’d never really been kissed, not truly kissed. Stolen kisses at school and with brothers near by didn’t really count. This was a kiss to start all kisses. He started to add a little pressure to the kiss and used his lips to open hers. His lips were soft but firm as his tongue entered her mouth and he explored every inch.

As their tongues went to war she could feel his hands, one at the base of her spin and lowering; with the other just under one of her breast. He cupped it and squeezed just lightly and it sent quivers though her stomach and lower to her center where she felt her juices start to flow. Oh God, this felt so good, but just as she started to lift her hand from his shoulders to grab his head, he broke the kiss and stepped back.

Michael had to get control of himself this was not the place for this. But damn if she wasn’t hot as hell with that flush coming up from her lush breast into her cheeks. “We can’t do this here. I’m going to pick you up after work. I’ll be here at 6, so be waiting outside,” he demanded just as he turned and walked out the office and closed the door behind him.

He made his way to the bathrooms around the corner and went straight for the sink. He turned on the water and began to wet his face. “Damn!” he could not loose control with her. He has never had a problem with being patient with a lover and he never lost control in a public place. What if her dad had walked in or someone else, it would have ruined it for him. She is way too classy to do anything like that in a place she could get caught. He never even heard of her lovers, she was definitely a private person.

He started to think about that kiss. She seemed inexperienced some how, was she a virgin he wondered?

Cidney couldn’t stop thinking about Michael the rest of the day. And he just told her that he was picking her up after work. He didn’t ask, just made the demand after getting her all worked up and then walked out with nothing more then a demand. She just wanted to blow him off and catch a cab as usual, but she couldn’t forget the kiss and how it made her feel.

She was still worked up about it when he pulled up at the curb out side the office. He got out and walked around to open her door. He gave her a light kiss on her forehead and closed the door behind her after she entered the vehicle. He didn’t really say anything.

This is crazy, what was she thinking. Maybe she was not ready for this, what if she fell for him and he is exactly like her daddy said. Daddy always said men are only after one thing, sex. And honestly that is all she was really interested in, but with Michael it could be more. For two years she had watched him from afar and always daydreamed about him. She fantasized about him when she used her vibrator. She had never been with a man but she popped her own cherry so she wasn’t worried about that. The problem is what if she grew to want him more and worse yet fall for him!?

Michael could not wait to get her to his place. He was already playing the scene is his head. First, he’d undress her slowly and kiss the skin exposed inch by delicate inch. He’d make sure she had goose bumps and blush all over her beautiful body. He could just see the pink blotches on her milky white flesh and her nipples harden under his tongue. One at a time, he’d suck them so hard and make them ruby red. He would alternate from nibbling to sucking on each until she’s breathless with her moans and gasps. Then he’d work his way down slowly to build her as high as she’ll go, but he will not let her peek, oh no not with out him. Man, this is going to be amazing!

He stood in the shadows of the building watching the couple drive away in the nice silver Range Rover. Johnny was not going to let his little sister be another notch in Mike’s bed post, oh no, no fucking way in hell! Cidney was too good for Mike. He reached for his phone and dialed Brandon’s number.

“He just pulled off with her and they’re headed for his place,” Johnny said as soon as Brandon picked up.

“Well, he won’t get very far with her anyway. I’m already sitting at his door with a pack of beer. Let’s see if having big brother over to hang out will inspire much,” Brandon smiled as he looked to the elevators.

“Dad said we had to let Cidney make her own mistakes, and that she’d come to us if she needed any help. But I don’t want to wait until she comes to us. Mike’s not exactly marriage material, and Cidney is not going to be another lay for him.” Johnny quipped, he was peeved now. He could not have Cidney get involved with Mike; she’s just too innocent and will get hurt. She’s not made for one night stands.

“Don’t worry she’s not going to have a chance,” Brandon said just before he hung up his phone. Brandon kept his eyes on the elevator doors. He would be here until they show up. Cidney was getting protection one way or another.

 

[PeachandCream83]

Author's questions

This story is pretty much one of my first and I am wondering where I might be leading. I'm wanting to know if it really had potential to be a longer story and if it keeps the intrest for the next chapter.

Also I want to know if some of the parts are too "cheezy." The story is just based off of fictional charecters that I thought would be fun. But I wonder if a 24 year old virgin is possible with her situation or if it too much.

Any suggestions would be great, but those are my biggest concerns.

Thank you all!

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Peaches!

... there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

What an appropriate line to have after this piece, because it reads a lot like a rough draft and not so much like a story- which is just fine if we're focusing on whether the idea has merit. Is that mostly what you wanted to discuss?

I think the overall concept is plausible, but changing a few details might help me believe it all.

Cidney's been to college in a large, modern city. I have a hard time believing her family can have kept such a close watch on her all that time. For me to really buy into this, I think you need to change the setting, especially the time period. Considering how much freedom women have gained in the past century, the farther back you can go with this situation, the more believable it would be for me. A smaller town might help too- it's easier for one domineering man to control everything if there's less to control.

So that's my major suggestion with respect to plausibility- consider a different setting.

Beyond that, you've a sympathetic heroine with definite obstacles to overcome before she gets what she wants, so I like the premise. The initial execution of that premise is so all over the place I suspect it'll be something you set aside and use like a reference rather than actually trying to incorporate it directly into your final draft.

When you begin that final draft, you want to engage the reader with action instead of chronicles and explanations. 'Action' doesn't have to be a car chase or a shootout- it's pretty much anything the reader can envision happening in real time while reading your story.

So a conversation is action. Cidney has a friend and confidant in Jessie, yes? So you could open with a simple conversation over coffee between the two wherein Jessie laments that she can't interest Michael and Cidney laments she can't interest anyone because of her oppressive family.

That's just one option, of course- but you really want to open with a scene and not a chunk of dry description. And after that, you want another scene, and then another- stopping the action to explain only when necessary, and even then usually between scenes.

In terms of plot, I didn't care much for the moment when Cidney gets caught talking about how she wants Michael. I think it makes it too easy for him, knowing she already pines for him. Plus, it's too easy on her in that it leads directly to the pivotal conversation with her father; I'd be so much more impressed with her if she stomped in there and told him she'd had enough of his overbearing nonsense. Stories shouldn’t be easy on the characters- they should be just the opposite!

With the minor reservations above, I like your basic idea for a story, though it seems like it will be at least a novella by the time you're finished. Are you interested in writing stories of this length?

That's all I have for now. Thanks for sharing your work with us!

Take Care,
Penny


P.S.
I peeked at your posted chapter from "Punishment from Poisoned". While it has some issues too, it looks so more polished than the above opening to "Forbidden Fruit". May I ask which is the older piece and how much older?

 

[PeachandCream83]

With the minor reservations above, I like your basic idea for a story, though it seems like it will be at least a novella by the time you're finished. Are you interested in writing stories of this length?

That's all I have for now. Thanks for sharing your work with us!

Take Care,
Penny


P.S.
I peeked at your posted chapter from "Punishment from Poisoned". While it has some issues too, it looks so more polished than the above opening to "Forbidden Fruit". May I ask which is the older piece and how much older?

Thank you soo much for the feed back, it is actually one of my first and the "Punishment from Poisoned Rose" is my latest. And yes I wouldn't mind making the "Forbidden Fruit" into more of a novella.

 

[Penelope Street]

Thank you soo much for the feed back, it is actually one of my first and the "Punishment from Poisoned Rose" is my latest.

You're so welcome. I was hoping this was going to be your answer! In my opinion, the writing quality evident in "Punishment from Poisoned Rose" is clearly superior to that of "Forbidden Fruit".

 

[PeachandCream83]

You're so welcome. I was hoping this was going to be your answer! In my opinion, the writing quality evident in "Punishment from Poisoned Rose" is clearly superior to that of "Forbidden Fruit".

LOL!! Then I will say I must be improving!?

 

[jacks4u]

Peaches,

How interesting - a modern day Romeo and Juliette. It feels like your story could go that way, as well.

Your story has much potential - depending on your goals for it.

As Penny noted, this certainly feels like a rough draft, So I'll gloss over some of the things a good editor would catch, and only say "Be careful about tense mismatches and point of view shifts." Literotica has some fine volunteer editors that I'm sure would be eager to give your stories a once over. look here: http://forum.literotica.com/forumdisplay.php?f=9. Also, in the forums are some wonderful exercises for authors to enhance their writing skills and stimulate imaginations.

What a nice name - Cidney. I also like the basic premise, Sexy Heroin thwarted at every turn by overbearing father and siblings. There's enough tension in the premise to build some really good episodes. There also seems to be much potential for violence, especially if Cidney attempts to gain experience with covert encounters. Actually, I like that idea - perhaps she could team up with Jessie...

I think most here would agree, more dialog is always better. I felt really cheated here:

Michael took Cidney to lunch and the food was great and the company was exquisite. Cidney actually enjoyed their conversations and Michael just looked so yummy. They talked about his youth and how his dad always pushed him into sports and she talked about how all she ever new was sports because of her dad and brothers. Her mother died when she was only four and being the youngest she was always protected from everything. He was an only child because his mother had difficulties after his birth so she couldn’t have anymore. So he was the focus of their attentions too.​

Please, please, pretty please add some dialog here! It appears to me that this conversation is much too important to gloss over!

This story is pretty much one of my first and I am wondering where I might be leading. I'm wanting to know if it really had potential to be a longer story and if it keeps the intrest for the next chapter.

This seems to be the beginnings of a larger work, much larger! You could go anywhere from a Romeo/Juliette tragic romance to girl-girl sex, as Cidney attempts to evade her 'overseers' with a sex charged girl's night out, to group sex, as Jessie 'keeps her brothers busy', so that she can hook up with Michael. The sky's really the limit, depending on how you see your characters, and what you think they are capable of. Some authors build a character's personality, then let that character go where he/she would. Others have a general goal in mind, and write their characters toward that end. Still others obsess over plot and write their characters to fit that plot.

Also I want to know if some of the parts are too "cheezy." The story is just based off of fictional charecters that I thought would be fun. But I wonder if a 24 year old virgin is possible with her situation or if it too much.

I don't see "cheezy" here. Of course, that depends on your notion of "cheezy". What I see here is actually the beginnings of a really long story. perhaps as Penny says:

With the minor reservations above, I like your basic idea for a story, though it seems like it will be at least a novella by the time you're finished

I hope I've helped,

Jacks

 

[PeachandCream83]

Peaches,

How interesting - a modern day Romeo and Juliette. It feels like your story could go that way, as well.

Your story has much potential - depending on your goals for it.

As Penny noted, this certainly feels like a rough draft, So I'll gloss over some of the things a good editor would catch, and only say "Be careful about tense mismatches and point of view shifts." Literotica has some fine volunteer editors that I'm sure would be eager to give your stories a once over. look here: http://forum.literotica.com/forumdisplay.php?f=9. Also, in the forums are some wonderful exercises for authors to enhance their writing skills and stimulate imaginations.

What a nice name - Cidney. I also like the basic premise, Sexy Heroin thwarted at every turn by overbearing father and siblings. There's enough tension in the premise to build some really good episodes. There also seems to be much potential for violence, especially if Cidney attempts to gain experience with covert encounters. Actually, I like that idea - perhaps she could team up with Jessie...

I think most here would agree, more dialog is always better. I felt really cheated here:

Michael took Cidney to lunch and the food was great and the company was exquisite. Cidney actually enjoyed their conversations and Michael just looked so yummy. They talked about his youth and how his dad always pushed him into sports and she talked about how all she ever new was sports because of her dad and brothers. Her mother died when she was only four and being the youngest she was always protected from everything. He was an only child because his mother had difficulties after his birth so she couldn’t have anymore. So he was the focus of their attentions too.​

Please, please, pretty please add some dialog here! It appears to me that this conversation is much too important to gloss over!


This seems to be the beginnings of a larger work, much larger! You could go anywhere from a Romeo/Juliette tragic romance to girl-girl sex, as Cidney attempts to evade her 'overseers' with a sex charged girl's night out, to group sex, as Jessie 'keeps her brothers busy', so that she can hook up with Michael. The sky's really the limit, depending on how you see your characters, and what you think they are capable of. Some authors build a character's personality, then let that character go where he/she would. Others have a general goal in mind, and write their characters toward that end. Still others obsess over plot and write their characters to fit that plot.


I don't see "cheezy" here. Of course, that depends on your notion of "cheezy". What I see here is actually the beginnings of a really long story. perhaps as Penny says:

I hope I've helped,

Jacks

Oh yes you have, many good ideas to work with. I was thinking of having her explore more and yes cause some drama in later chapters. I have ideas swimming in my head, but getting them down in order is the hard part for me.

Also I think your advise is great. I'll def add more dialog and maybe do as Penelope mentioned and change up the year a bit or town.

It is only a draft at this point, so the more advise and feedback I get the better.

Thank you all so much.

 

[jacks4u]

Peaches,

Glad I could help. There's one thing I forgot to mention, my apologies!

I know that some folks think that '36C' is an erotic description, but there are several problems there:
1) People that can accurately measure bust size just from looking at a woman's breast are quite rare.
2) Other, qualitative measures are better suited toward erotica, "In profile, I could clearly see her large, well rounded and firm breasts jiggling slightly as she talked." (just an example, however appropriate)
3) The American method of measuring cup size isn't used in other parts of the world, so that many potential readers are left wondering what exactly '36C' looks like, even though an American would have at least a general idea.

In short, paint a picture with your words - show my mind's eye what she looks like, rather than just tell me cup size and circumference. Are they large? smallish? are the outlines of her nipples visible? do they jiggle as she walks/talks? are there tan lines? tattoos? freckles?


Inquiring minds want to know...


Jacks

 

[Penelope Street]

Dirty blonde curls halfway down her back; she was 5’6 with an athletic build, not to mention a 36C rack with a tight ass (total girl next door, tomboy). She was smoking hot with piercing green eyes and every male in the building would go nuts if she would give them her signature cocky smile.

I know that some folks think that '36C' is an erotic description, but there are several problems there.
1) People that can accurately measure bust size just from looking at a woman's breast are quite rare.

All of this is part of a larger issue related to who is doing the describing in the first place. Like Jacks suggests, maybe a bra size would work if the narrator works in the fashion industry, but how likely is that? Is an exact height really any better than an exact bra size? And who thinks Cidney is 'smoking hot'?

Please, please, pretty please add some dialog here! It appears to me that this conversation is much too important to gloss over!

I couldn't agree more, summarizing a character's words (e.g. I lean down and offer my breast to his mouth and tell him to lick it) is rarely the way to go. This is also part of a larger issue- showing versus telling.

 

[driphoney]

I usually can find something to say about anything. It's a 'talent' of mine. But I'm struggling here to find something that hasn't been hit upon. It did feel like a very nice synopsis for a great longer story! So many chapters could be teased out there.

One thing I hope you keep is your third person voice when you expand it. I had to laugh. When I read through it, I saw a very action filled romance, but you can tell the different writers here, you've had suggestions swinging all over from lesbian to threesomes! I guess you can take this anywhere you feel like going.

One thing you might want to do is find a writer you enjoy that does series stories and see how they basically expand a plot point (if I understand the meaning of it) to fill the chapter. Hmm. This would be a good exercise for me!

Thank you for sharing.

 

[PeachandCream83]

I usually can find something to say about anything. It's a 'talent' of mine. But I'm struggling here to find something that hasn't been hit upon. It did feel like a very nice synopsis for a great longer story! So many chapters could be teased out there.

One thing I hope you keep is your third person voice when you expand it. I had to laugh. When I read through it, I saw a very action filled romance, but you can tell the different writers here, you've had suggestions swinging all over from lesbian to threesomes! I guess you can take this anywhere you feel like going.

One thing you might want to do is find a writer you enjoy that does series stories and see how they basically expand a plot point (if I understand the meaning of it) to fill the chapter. Hmm. This would be a good exercise for me!

Thank you for sharing.

Thanks for the input!!

 

[lance gt]

I thought it was a well written story Peaches, didn't find anything wrong with it really.

 

[Epmd607]

'dildos don't count' or 'dildos didn't count'?

 

[ellabee]

Thought I'd drop by and add my two cents .

I wish there was more conflict in this opening chapter. It seems that if Cidney is 24 and "smokin' hot," then the conversation between her father and her should have happened sooner. Cidney went to college, yeah? I'm assuming she didn't stay at home. Did she live with her dad? Did her brothers live down the hall? Did she attend an all-women's college run by nuns in the Appalachians? These details would make the story seem more realistic because they add insight to the situation. You might not need to change the setting, but flushing out the back story may improve that "realistic" aspect.

On that note, Cidney gets her way too easily. It makes me question why she didn't have this conversation much, much earlier. Perhaps more drama, drawn out over a couple of days, might be more exciting. Perhaps you can make the date with Michael a secret.

You may want to wait to tell Michael's perspective until later. All of the surprise was over for me when you jumped from Cidney to Michael's point of view in the introductory paragraphs of the tale. You might want to add a slew of good-looking men running into the office, culminating with Michael, and that's when Cidney becomes so frustrated she starts on her inappropriate (but delicious!) tirade. It's just that when Michael was introduced, I knew they would end up together...soon.

Overall, I think you have a good start to a long story. I like the openness of the ending - it gives you many juicy possibilities to continue, and it leaves your reader wanting more.

Good luck writing!