The Sportfuck-Soulmate Sex Continuum

[ecstaticsub]

I've been doing some thinking lately about how I view different intimate interactions that I have had myself and those that the men I love have had (or are having). I have also been noting the emotions, especially jealousy, as I wade through my thoughts.

In my head I have made a clear distinction between a sportfuck and lovemaking. I also know others who look at this as a clear black and white difference with no gray areas.

I no longer think this is true and it is bothering me for a variety of reasons. I look at it as more of a continuum or scale of emotions and connections.

On one end is totally anonymous sex. I don't know the person, I don't speak a word to them. I am either blindfolded, or all I see if the sex organ that I interact with. No contact before or after. On the other end of the continuum is sex with my husband, my soulmate for life. A person I have known for over 25 years and who knows everything in my head.

In between (in no particular order) are fuckbuddies, friends with benefits, men I have had sex with just because I needed a warm place to sleep, men who should have been just fuckbuddies but who I developed strong emotional feelings for, men who had strong emotional feelings for me but I just wanted to fuck,etc, etc and of course my PYL. My relationship with him is the most intimate relationship I have ever had outside of my marriage.

Then BDSM further complicates things in my head. I have said before that I could not be a bottom. The thought of impact play without sex and without an emotional attachment is unthinkable for me. But I'm not sure how I see Topping both for myself and my PYL. Would I be more jealous if he had just sex with someone without me or if he was Topping? And would my emotions be different depending on how he emotionally felt about a situation?

I would be interested in others thoughts. Do you see kinds of sex as a continuum or is there a clear distinction between a sportfuck and true love sex? For those, like myself who love more than one person how does that figure into the continuum? Are vanilla relationships vs BDSM relationship different in the continuum?

Thank you

 

[ultramarineblue]

I have said before that I could not be a bottom. The thought of impact play without sex and without an emotional attachment is unthinkable for me. But I'm not sure how I see Topping both for myself and my PYL. Would I be more jealous if he had just sex with someone without me or if he was Topping? And would my emotions be different depending on how he emotionally felt about a situation?

I could have read completely wrong but were you saying that a top/bottom relationship would be devoid of sex?

 

[ecstaticsub]

I could have read completely wrong but were you saying that a top/bottom relationship would be devoid of sex?

Some are. There are those who go to clubs to just get spanked or beaten ot to do the spanking or beating and not have sex.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Some are. There are those who go to clubs to just get spanked or beaten ot to do the spanking or beating and not have sex.

Ok, thanks. Right now I'm feeling more bottom than submissive and I just couldn't imagine the spanking without sex. Unless it was a denial thing.

/end hijack

 

[nh23]

For me there was always a distinction. It mostly came out in the way of kissing or cuddling. If it was a fuck buddy, or just a sportfuck I always wanted them out of my bed and away from me after said act was done. No cuddling, and don't even try to kiss me. I've had sex with X amount of men and women, but have only kissed three in my life. I was very in love with those three.

I've also bottomed on many occasions with no sex involved. I'm a painslut, in those moments I don't want anything other than the pain. If sex is involved it evolves to something else entirely that I have a very hard time explaining. There of course has never been any D/s involved when I bottomed though. For me it's easy to bottom for someone I don't love or have emotional feelings for. To submit..there has to be emotional feelings.

At the present Master and I are in a mono relationship, so no sportfucking and no bottoming. Although on occasion I still sort of bottom to him. If he needs to hurt me and it's purely to hurt me and not in a sexual manner. Sometimes I'll also ask for pain without sexual activity and sometimes he allows it.

 

[ecstaticsub]

nh23 Thank you for answering. So there was never anything in between love and sportfucking as far as sex goes?

 

[Netzach]

There's different kinds of love, different kinds of sex, and different kinds of painplay, so move those things along the axes however you want.

I guess I'm not sure what the question is.

I've had casual sex, but I've never had the kind of contemptuously casual sex that some people do. I mean, it may not have been let's move in and make babies sex, but it was always friendly and intimate on some level.

I also have the benefit of being romantically in love with two people, but the people are completely different, no one overlaps or replaces the other.

I love my slave, too, but that's its own particular thing. Love is part of it, but matched needs are the larger part.

 

[ecstaticsub]

There's different kinds of love, different kinds of sex, and different kinds of painplay, so move those things along the axes however you want.

I guess I'm not sure what the question is.

I also have the benefit of being romantically in love with two people, but the people are completely different, no one overlaps or replaces the other.

I love my slave, too, but that's its own particular thing. Love is part of it, but matched needs are the larger part.

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. I guess I'm trying to figure things out in my own head the different emotions of jealousy, envy, love, the desire to see the ones I love pleasured when applied to different kinds of sex and play.

I realize no one can figure out that for me, so what I am really asking is if most people see a clear cut distinction between sex with someone you are in love with and sport fucking. Or do some have emotional connection to those one-night stands, or mini-affairs or a FWB?

 

[Netzach]

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. I guess I'm trying to figure things out in my own head the different emotions of jealousy, envy, love, the desire to see the ones I love pleasured when applied to different kinds of sex and play.

I realize no one can figure out that for me, so what I am really asking is if most people see a clear cut distinction between sex with someone you are in love with and sport fucking. Or do some have emotional connection to those one-night stands, or mini-affairs or a FWB?

No need to apologize, I don't think there always has to be a clear question.

I guess I would say that I do have emotional ties to those people, enjoyment, sweet regard, love, even. I don't find love of another person something that has to be wrested from me painfully - I may seem really prickly, but I'm actually a very affectionate person, I like people, their quirks, their differences, their histories.

Part of that respect though, is a good sense of boundary. Rules of the game can shift on you, but how you communicate through that is the issue.

However, really intense sex with intense bonded romantic love is a completely different thing - the most powerful drug on earth, totally peerless in the realm of experience.

So it's kind of apple vs. orange. I am not offended if the people I have the latter with don't feel like the former is suddenly not worth doing in light of it, if that's the question.

 

[nh23]

nh23 Thank you for answering. So there was never anything in between love and sportfucking as far as sex goes?

For the most part no. That's just me. I'm the type that keeps the majority of my emotions closely guarded. I rarely get close to anyone, so emotional feeling towards people are rare. On the other hand there were a few that were fuck buddy's that I had friendships with, but just the same when the act was done, yeah it was nice, but get out of my bed and go home.

 

[katt_g]

i discussed a topic along these lines (though not exactly the same) with a friend of mine recently. as we are both past 40, i think it all started with the idea that we have evolved in our ideas of sex/love over the years.

ultimately, in my youth i believed that i would meet all of those needs with one person. i think i have eventually grown into a more mature (i hope...) person who believes that different needs may require relationships with different people. i think the idea of a continuum encompasses that very well and every individual falls at different places on the continuum at different times.

that is all part of the fluidity of needs/feelings/desires. the relationships you had at the time were what they were because that is what you needed them to be. be it fucking for the sake of fucking or a deep loving relationship with your soulmate.

i think my hope is that i evolve to the point that i recognize my own needs and the needs of the ones i care about. and then from there, i am able to identify how to get my own needs met and to give my loved ones the freedom they need to meet theirs.

my friend said that in any loving relationship, there is an element of selfishness and an element of selflessness and maybe if you can come to a great balance between them...

sorry so long winded...and sorry if i strayed a bit.

 

[ecstaticsub]

For the most part no. That's just me. I'm the type that keeps the majority of my emotions closely guarded. I rarely get close to anyone, so emotional feeling towards people are rare. On the other hand there were a few that were fuck buddy's that I had friendships with, but just the same when the act was done, yeah it was nice, but get out of my bed and go home.

Thanks for clarifying that for me.

 

[ecstaticsub]

No need to apologize, I don't think there always has to be a clear question.

I guess I would say that I do have emotional ties to those people, enjoyment, sweet regard, love, even. I don't find love of another person something that has to be wrested from me painfully - I may seem really prickly, but I'm actually a very affectionate person, I like people, their quirks, their differences, their histories.

Part of that respect though, is a good sense of boundary. Rules of the game can shift on you, but how you communicate through that is the issue.

However, really intense sex with intense bonded romantic love is a completely different thing - the most powerful drug on earth, totally peerless in the realm of experience.

So it's kind of apple vs. orange. I am not offended if the people I have the latter with don't feel like the former is suddenly not worth doing in light of it, if that's the question.

I have had some sort of emotional feeling toward everyone I have ever fucked, even if that emotion was hate. It is just who I am. It is almost like I use sex as a way of getting to know people better. Sometimes that person doesn't reveal much about themselves but I try anyway.

I can sportfuck, I can fuck someone give myself emotionally and then move on. I don't feel someone I love needs to feel jealous because I know even though I am an emotional person I can move on. But..I don't know if others can do the same thing.

 

[Netzach]

I have had some sort of emotional feeling toward everyone I have ever fucked, even if that emotion was hate. It is just who I am. It is almost like I use sex as a way of getting to know people better. Sometimes that person doesn't reveal much about themselves but I try anyway.

I can sportfuck, I can fuck someone give myself emotionally and then move on. I don't feel someone I love needs to feel jealous because I know even though I am an emotional person I can move on. But..I don't know if others can do the same thing.

I think a lot of people can and a lot of people can't. It's just one of those things you have to suss out from talking.

 

[ecstaticsub]

i discussed a topic along these lines (though not exactly the same) with a friend of mine recently. as we are both past 40, i think it all started with the idea that we have evolved in our ideas of sex/love over the years.

ultimately, in my youth i believed that i would meet all of those needs with one person. i think i have eventually grown into a more mature (i hope...) person who believes that different needs may require relationships with different people. i think the idea of a continuum encompasses that very well and every individual falls at different places on the continuum at different times.

that is all part of the fluidity of needs/feelings/desires. the relationships you had at the time were what they were because that is what you needed them to be. be it fucking for the sake of fucking or a deep loving relationship with your soulmate.

i think my hope is that i evolve to the point that i recognize my own needs and the needs of the ones i care about. and then from there, i am able to identify how to get my own needs met and to give my loved ones the freedom they need to meet theirs.

my friend said that in any loving relationship, there is an element of selfishness and an element of selflessness and maybe if you can come to a great balance between them...

sorry so long winded...and sorry if i strayed a bit.

I am past 40 also. My ideas about love and sex have certainly changed over the years, especially the past 4 years.

Your answer wasn't long winded at all. Thank you, you got me thinking which is what I was looking for.

Your response bring up a question of needs vs wants. I may want to fuck my coworker but is it a need? And if it is just a want should my significant others feel they should let me indulge?

On the other side of the coin, if my SO wants to fuck a coworker and does should I feel jealous, or just happy that he got what he wanted?

I guess that would go back to what Netzach said about boundaries.

(btw, this is all hypothetical not based on anything that has really happened in my life, just conversations)

 

[Netzach]

On the other side of the coin, if my SO wants to fuck a coworker and does should I feel jealous, or just happy that he got what he wanted?

IME, yes.

I tend to feel more of the latter, but fucked if I can say I pick between the two solidly.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I know I have figured out one thing. I am not jealous of my PYL getting something from someone else that I can not provide for him. (his wife, for example) I have watched him having sex with a much younger woman and did not feel jealous at all. I know he loves his wife a great deal and I know he felt no emotion at all for the younger woman. So his level of emotional attachment has no bearing on whether I get jealous. The mere thought of him involved in a LDR with someone else instantly causes the evil green monster to come out. (not that he is..) I am trying to figure out my reaction to him Topping someone else without me being there. I guess in my head I am trying to reconcile what I feel should be my reaction vs what is my gut reaction.

I feel I am babbling about things that really are of no consequence. I will feel what I feel. Trying to make sense out of those emotions won't change anything. This conversation came up because of the difference between the emotions I thought I should be feeling and the ones that I did have when presently with different hypothetical cases.

 

[Netzach]

Complicated relationships bring up simultaneous and contradictory emotions.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Complicated relationships bring up simultaneous and contradictory emotions.

So I've noticed

 

[katt_g]

So his level of emotional attachment has no bearing on whether I get jealous. The mere thought of him involved in a LDR with someone else instantly causes the evil green monster to come out. (not that he is..) I am trying to figure out my reaction to him Topping someone else without me being there.

this actually makes complete sense to me! i think for me it all has to do with what i consider to be intimate acts. because i have at some point (don't know if it is good or bad...just is) been able to separate sex from intimacy (and not always, just sometimes), sex can happen and i would not be jealous. but my relationship with a PYL is the most intimate, akin to a marriage in some ways. on a different level, i would also not be jealous of a wife.
i think it goes back to the different relationships meeting different needs. if i were in a D/s with a PYL who was also married, there is some intimate relationship between me and him as well as an intimate relationship between him and her. but they are different relationships designed to meet different needs. having non-emotional sex with someone else---different need entirely. but if he were to engage in a D/s relationship with someone else, that person would in some way be 'replacing' me. but of course all of this is based on how i feel. someone else will have a completely different perspective.

I feel I am babbling about things that really are of no consequence. I will feel what I feel. Trying to make sense out of those emotions won't change anything. This conversation came up because of the difference between the emotions I thought I should be feeling and the ones that I did have when presently with different hypothetical cases.

and as far as this is concerned....you are so right! you will feel whatever you feel. and i say to hell with the idea that you should feel a particular emotion in a given situation.

 

[YourCaptor]

I've been doing some thinking lately about how I view different intimate interactions that I have had myself and those that the men I love have had (or are having). I have also been noting the emotions, especially jealousy, as I wade through my thoughts.

In my head I have made a clear distinction between a sportfuck and lovemaking. I also know others who look at this as a clear black and white difference with no gray areas.

I no longer think this is true and it is bothering me for a variety of reasons. I look at it as more of a continuum or scale of emotions and connections.

On one end is totally anonymous sex. I don't know the person, I don't speak a word to them. I am either blindfolded, or all I see if the sex organ that I interact with. No contact before or after. On the other end of the continuum is sex with my husband, my soulmate for life. A person I have known for over 25 years and who knows everything in my head.

In between (in no particular order) are fuckbuddies, friends with benefits, men I have had sex with just because I needed a warm place to sleep, men who should have been just fuckbuddies but who I developed strong emotional feelings for, men who had strong emotional feelings for me but I just wanted to fuck,etc, etc and of course my PYL. My relationship with him is the most intimate relationship I have ever had outside of my marriage.

Then BDSM further complicates things in my head. I have said before that I could not be a bottom. The thought of impact play without sex and without an emotional attachment is unthinkable for me. But I'm not sure how I see Topping both for myself and my PYL. Would I be more jealous if he had just sex with someone without me or if he was Topping? And would my emotions be different depending on how he emotionally felt about a situation?

I would be interested in others thoughts. Do you see kinds of sex as a continuum or is there a clear distinction between a sportfuck and true love sex? For those, like myself who love more than one person how does that figure into the continuum? Are vanilla relationships vs BDSM relationship different in the continuum?

Thank you

Have you ever looked into the concept of sociosexual orientations?

Some people need a close bond to have sex, others don't. However most do prefer a close bond.

Ask yourself, do you need that bond to have sex. You may, but go without it anyway, that can indeed be troubling.

Also remember that we feel jealousy because we think someone else has something we don't.

 

[rida]

I have had some sort of emotional feeling toward everyone I have ever fucked, even if that emotion was hate. It is just who I am. It is almost like I use sex as a way of getting to know people better. Sometimes that person doesn't reveal much about themselves but I try anyway.

I can sportfuck, I can fuck someone give myself emotionally and then move on. I don't feel someone I love needs to feel jealous because I know even though I am an emotional person I can move on. But..I don't know if others can do the same thing.

The bold part used to be true for me as well.

But with the discovery that I can do sportfuck, I discovered that with those type of partners, I don't try to connect: they don't care, I don't care. I guess I'm becoming jaded. Do I enjoy sportfucking? On a purely physical level, yes, I enjoy it very much.

Then there couple lovers with whom I felt a friendship, men that I like and care about. It did not go all the way to love making, but it was emotionally fulfilling as well as physically.

Then there is the Sadist, where I have no idea where I stand in regard of fucking.

And then there is Hubby: sometime is just fucking, sometime is lovemaking, some others is soul merging. Emotions ebbs and flow. Just because we love each other deeply, it does not means that fucking is not just fucking at times.

(Just as a foot note: physical enjoyment for me as nothing to do with having an O or not)

Now in regard of jealousy, just the fact that my Hubby, or the the Sadist or any of the other lovers I care about have other sexual relations does not make me feel jealous per se. Viewing sex as an intimate way to express friendship and to get to know each others better, it would be like being jealous of friendships.

However I am not totally above jealousy as I once believed. The first time I felt jealous, it totally blew me away: where the hell did that feeling come from?! Dissecting it thou, I realized that it was rooted in a fear that had nothing to do with my partner but all to do with my own insecurities.

What triggers my jealousy is the knowing that I have no control over my partner's desires: ultimately a fear of inadequacy, of being replaced, of not being good enough.

 

[Scotsman69]

What a movingly honest exploration, Rida

 

[ecstaticsub]

Have you ever looked into the concept of sociosexual orientations?

Some people need a close bond to have sex, others don't. However most do prefer a close bond.

Ask yourself, do you need that bond to have sex. You may, but go without it anyway, that can indeed be troubling.

Also remember that we feel jealousy because we think someone else has something we don't.

Thanks for your comments. I have never heard the term "sociosexual orientation" before.

 

[ecstaticsub]

The bold part used to be true for me as well.

But with the discovery that I can do sportfuck, I discovered that with those type of partners, I don't try to connect: they don't care, I don't care. I guess I'm becoming jaded. Do I enjoy sportfucking? On a purely physical level, yes, I enjoy it very much.

Do you think that the reason you don't care is because they don't care? Would you care if they did?

Then there couple lovers with whom I felt a friendship, men that I like and care about. It did not go all the way to love making, but it was emotionally fulfilling as well as physically.

Then there is the Sadist, where I have no idea where I stand in regard of fucking.

And then there is Hubby: sometime is just fucking, sometime is lovemaking, some others is soul merging. Emotions ebbs and flow. Just because we love each other deeply, it does not means that fucking is not just fucking at times.

I totally agree with this. I have over 25 years of having sex with hubby. I have been all over the continuum with him.

(Just as a foot note: physical enjoyment for me as nothing to do with having an O or not)

Again I feel the same, though I do love the O's too.

Now in regard of jealousy, just the fact that my Hubby, or the the Sadist or any of the other lovers I care about have other sexual relations does not make me feel jealous per se. Viewing sex as an intimate way to express friendship and to get to know each others better, it would be like being jealous of friendships.

However I am not totally above jealousy as I once believed. The first time I felt jealous, it totally blew me away: where the hell did that feeling come from?! Dissecting it thou, I realized that it was rooted in a fear that had nothing to do with my partner but all to do with my own insecurities.

What triggers my jealousy is the knowing that I have no control over my partner's desires: ultimately a fear of inadequacy, of being replaced, of not being good enough.

Very interesting, thank you.

Jealousy to me seems like it has to be coupled with anger, mild or severe. On the very few times that I have ever felt jealous it has been more because of something unknown, something I suspected instead of something that was real. A case of letting my imagination run wild.

That is part of my internal confusion. It makes no sense to me to be jealous over something that is unreal, yet when I know the facts--even if they are the same as what I imagined I am not angry or jealous. More like intrigued and curious (or maybe just nosy??)

Something else to throw into all this is that I am very into humiliation play. Being forced into a situation that would make me jealous I think would also make me very excited. (this has not been tested in reality, just in myhead during masturbation which is where I give most things a testdrive)