Thread for the Invisibles

[sadangel]

If I were invisible, maybe I could get through this easier. I'm so tired. So tired of this. Please. can it all just stop, at least until I can actually do what needs to be done. Give me a break. Please.

 

[damppanties]

I don't even know what to do about me anymore. It always seems to come to this point. My fault. It's like when I'm walking on those paths in the fields by my grandfather's house in Northampton. There's a gate ahead. I never believe I'm really going to manage it; it's complicated. I saw it coming, I knew I would have to get around it somehow. It's tall, I am not. I spent part of the approach contemplating the logic of how to navigate myself around it and the other part enjoying the walk yet, not entirely conscious of the fact that decisions would have to be made.

There are times when you question every little thing about yourself. About your life. Why you do or do not, can or cannot achieve the scaling of that gate. I made it far this time. Farther than I've ever made it before. But the earth is still falling away from around me while I try to maneuver the wood, my feet, my arms, my body.

It's hard enough to do the gate, but when you start to wonder who's out there watching your feeble attempts you get even more flummoxed and incapacitated. You hear small comments, they reflect to you. You are too dark a person. You go there too often, too much. Too serious. Am I? Maybe. Then again it's unfair to judge someone, even yourself, based on one version. Which is the true one? The fused one. The you that exists in Russian stacking dolls.

I just don't think I can ever manage it, that gate. Somewhere I believe I can. But when it comes down to demonstrating it, I am the Epic Fail. Me, who hails truth. Lives by it, adores it even despite its ability to burn. I don't know how to be true about myself without the conviction that what I am must be too terrible to ask anyone to live with.
Can I ever fix it? Will the right situation ever materialize for me to do it? Or am I leaving out a consideration: that I may never be able to do it without help?

Dear Vyrus,

You've never told me I am too dark. For this and many other reasons you are completely beautiful.

Is that tummyboy? I need to know.

I hug you. You are not too dark. You are American. I am too dark. I am Indian. I am dreading the summer when I get even darker. Stupid sun.

Oh, also, your truth is the version you believe. Does it matter if it's 'true' or not? Especially when there are a gazillion truths out there?

 

[cloudy]

No one is "too dark."

All are variations on the theme "human," and, as such, are gorgeous.

 

[jomar]

I you too, Bleubs, so I say this with all sincereity - dark, schmark.

Though perhaps you might consider nurturing your inner shallowness a tad. If you can find it, that is.

 

[damppanties]

Oh, also, your truth is the version you believe. Does it matter if it's 'true' or not? Especially when there are a gazillion truths out there?

Truth is also what comes out of my mouth. Or my fingers in this case. I say you, Bloo, are the awesomeness.

 

[christabelll]

used to be "home"
used to be"fun"
used to be full of "friendships" and hope


Didn't know that a place could be so fucking lonely.


you have judged me over harshly - my half-sister too -

thats okay I'll do the same to you...

 

[champagne1982]

Advice to a depressive

Live, sweet darlin'
with no fear that cuts
and burns nor if wounds
and choking will end
it all. Instead,

draw up into a ball
and fly on with the devil
to dance with demons
as they cavort between
memory and today.

Live sweet, darlin'.
Time's short, broken
like booze bottles
on school steps;
let it go, let it go.

Pour away and puddle
on an island in need
of spice and find
the palace waiting
with the spinning wheel
and the loom and weave

the shroud to swaddle
babies never born
and sing Mother Goose
to suicides who bleed
their stain upon the floor
and live no more.

 

[bluebell]

THAT was pretty deep AND pretty beautiful. Uber hugs, chickie. *Muah* Thanks for saying that for me too.



P.S. Who the hell is Vyrus and why don't I have neked pictures?

Aw. Betsy.
You do not get nekkid Vyrus pictures if I do not get any first. Therefore, you will probably not ever get them.

I love you, Bluey darling.

Even though I sent music to the wrong email address like a dolt?

I you too, Bleubs, so I say this with all sincereity - dark, schmark.

Though perhaps you might consider nurturing your inner shallowness a tad. If you can find it, that is.

You're such a lamb I don't even know what to say to you Jo, except thank you.
I will have to put "thinking about nurturing my inner shallowness" in the pondering thread.

Truth is also what comes out of my mouth. Or my fingers in this case. I say you, Bloo, are the awesomeness.

Yes, truth wouldn't dare NOT come out of your mouth.
Thank you, my dear friend.

Advice to a depressive

Live, sweet darlin'
with no fear that cuts
and burns nor if wounds
and choking will end
it all. Instead,

draw up into a ball
and fly on with the devil
to dance with demons
as they cavort between
memory and today.

Live sweet, darlin'.
Time's short, broken
like booze bottles
on school steps;
let it go, let it go.

Pour away and puddle
on an island in need
of spice and find
the palace waiting
with the spinning wheel
and the loom and weave

the shroud to swaddle
babies never born
and sing Mother Goose
to suicides who bleed
their stain upon the floor
and live no more.

Champers, I don't know who this was for but thanks for putting it up. I really like it.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

I am surprised and confused by my own state of being right now. I stopped looking forward, stopped dwelling on some better life I hoped perhaps to have at some time in the future. What has been happening to me, made me realise, in a way that all the theoretical belief and all the philosophising in the world could not - that there is only the present. Which is where I am, and there I've stayed.

Is it working? It’s different. Harsher. But less overwhelming, because nothing lasts very long. The present is not a place I’ve ever spent much time in, living always much more in my head, my heart, my hopes. my imagination, my past.

It's so different that I honestly don't know if I find it closer to despair or closer to contentment.

And I’ve no idea if this will last. Or if this is what I want. Feels like this is my only option.

I hate how powerless I feel.

 

[DesertPirate]

I am surprised and confused by my own state of being right now. I stopped looking forward, stopped dwelling on some better life I hoped perhaps to have at some time in the future. What has been happening to me, made me realise, in a way that all the theoretical belief and all the philosophising in the world could not - that there is only the present. Which is where I am, and there I've stayed.

Is it working? It’s different. Harsher. But less overwhelming, because nothing lasts very long. The present is not a place I’ve ever spent much time in, living always much more in my head, my heart, my hopes. my imagination, my past.

It's so different that I honestly don't know if I find it closer to despair or closer to contentment.

And I’ve no idea if this will last. Or if this is what I want. Feels like this is my only option.

I hate how powerless I feel.

You actually have more power because it is much easier to have an effect on right now than it it is to change next month.

 

[sadangel]

I wish I were invisible. Life would be simpler.

 

[Safe_Bet]

I am surprised and confused by my own state of being right now. I stopped looking forward, stopped dwelling on some better life I hoped perhaps to have at some time in the future. What has been happening to me, made me realise, in a way that all the theoretical belief and all the philosophising in the world could not - that there is only the present. Which is where I am, and there I've stayed.

Is it working? It’s different. Harsher. But less overwhelming, because nothing lasts very long. The present is not a place I’ve ever spent much time in, living always much more in my head, my heart, my hopes. my imagination, my past.

It's so different that I honestly don't know if I find it closer to despair or closer to contentment.

And I’ve no idea if this will last. Or if this is what I want. Feels like this is my only option.

I hate how powerless I feel.

Your comments made me think of a poem that I wrote and which I read when I start feeling powerless and disillusioned. It's about this old curmudgeom dude from our neigborhood who used to cuss about "them queers." It reminds me to look at things without either the rose colored glasses OR through the shades of dispair:

Hope

Old man spilled his bag in front of the store;
people walk right on past, minds set to *ignore*

Young kids still unprogrammed, faultless, still free;
dash forward to help him as quick as they see

With nary a worry of what might be perceived,
they helped him simply because they saw a need

With angelic smiles they offer their help and their care;
unknowing that kindness has become a commodity rare

The old man must have recalled a more gentler past
and repaid them with a smile from a face newly recast.

The old man knew who we were, and all of the ‘this and that,’
but with an odd look, he gave me a smile too and a tip of his hat

Even with all the misunderstandings and stutters and starts,
there is hope for this world, while children still have pure hearts.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Your comments made me think of a poem that I wrote and which I read when I start feeling powerless and disillusioned. It's about this old curmudgeom dude from our neigborhood who used to cuss about "them queers." It reminds me to look at things without either the rose colored glasses OR through the shades of dispair:

Hope

Old man spilled his bag in front of the store;
people walk right on past, minds set to *ignore*

Young kids still unprogrammed, faultless, still free;
dash forward to help him as quick as they see

With nary a worry of what might be perceived,
they helped him simply because they saw a need

With angelic smiles they offer their help and their care;
unknowing that kindness has become a commodity rare

The old man must have recalled a more gentler past
and repaid them with a smile from a face newly recast.

The old man knew who we were, and all of the ‘this and that,’
but with an odd look, he gave me a smile too and a tip of his hat

Even with all the misunderstandings and stutters and starts,
there is hope for this world, while children still have pure hearts.

That's beautiful: Thank you for sharing. rose:

You actually have more power because it is much easier to have an effect on right now than it it is to change next month.

True but it's the lack of choice that makes me feel powerless.

 

[shereads]

Where's the blue chick?

 

[damppanties]

Where's the blue chick?

Off being cute and asked out by strange men in grocery store parking lots.

 

[bluebell]

Off being cute and asked out by strange men in grocery store parking lots.

I cannot believe you said that.
Yes, It's true. I am deficient. I am lacking, I am, you know, crazy-ass weird. I do not know how to give a man my name and number. Even if he asked, like, directly. I would need HIM to tell ME my name and phone number in moments like those. As is evidenced by my stunning display of DURRRRRRRRRRRRR.

You wanna make something of it?

I honestly thought he was kidding.

But it is very sweet of you to say. The cute thing, I mean. I am not cute in dress. I am just short. And lapis-colored. Can I please wear a bag over my head?

Where's the blue chick?

*Sher-pounce*
Hey you.
I currently do not know where I am. I need GPS hookups on my clothes. I think I might be in my apartment, but you just never know. I could actually be on a stage somewhere singing Memory in drag. Even though I am not a man.
You see where this circle goes? Do you know where you are?

 

[Safe_Bet]

I cannot believe you said that.
Yes, It's true. I am deficient. I am lacking, I am, you know, crazy-ass weird. I do not know how to give a man my name and number. Even if he asked, like, directly. I would need HIM to tell ME my name and phone number in moments like those. As is evidenced by my stunning display of DURRRRRRRRRRRRR.

You wanna make something of it?

Oh, we are MILES away from letting this one go girl!



You slut! Parking lot dude surfing? At a grocery store? EWWWW!

So did you check out his bag? Did he have a big 'ol bread "stick" or a gnawed on little "granola bar"? I won't even ask if he had any buns or something from the meat department (because that could be misconstrued... )

So did you get a free sample of his summer sasauge or did you fall for his bologna? (yeah, I couldn't keep out of the meat department, but at least I didn't discuss Aunt Jemima smelling like fish... )

 

[damppanties]

But it is very sweet of you to say. The cute thing, I mean. I am not cute in dress. I am just short. And lapis-colored. Can I please wear a bag over my head?

Heehee. Show.

No, you cannot wear a bag over your head. Cos then you would be, you, short, lapis-colored with bag over your head, which is worse than you, short, lapis-colored with no bag on head. This is the voice of wisdom.

 

[tickledkitty]

Off being cute and asked out by strange men in grocery store parking lots.

I cannot believe you said that.
Yes, It's true. I am deficient. I am lacking, I am, you know, crazy-ass weird. I do not know how to give a man my name and number. Even if he asked, like, directly. I would need HIM to tell ME my name and phone number in moments like those. As is evidenced by my stunning display of DURRRRRRRRRRRRR.

You wanna make something of it?

I honestly thought he was kidding.

But it is very sweet of you to say. The cute thing, I mean. I am not cute in dress. I am just short. And lapis-colored. Can I please wear a bag over my head?

WHA??? Oh, we need to talk, gf. Srsly.

 

[trysail]

Believe me, there have been times in my life ( and, no, I ain't sayin' ) when I wished I WAS invisible. I suspect those times were easily recognizable to any casual observer— the deep, red blush on my face must have been a dead giveaway.

I'll never forget those moments of mortification when I wished I'd had the chamelon-like power to meld into the background or simply shrink into physical insignificance.

No one believes me when I confess that I— once or twice — committed incredibly dumb and boorish acts. Hell, for all I know, I may even have done so recently. Thankfully, I'm marginally less self-conscious than I once was. All in all, though, there's nothing quite like being young and stupid.

There's much to be said for being invisible.

 

[Trinique_Fire]

Happy birthday, Me.

 

[shereads]

I currently do not know where I am. I need GPS hookups on my clothes. I think I might be in my apartment, but you just never know. I could actually be on a stage somewhere singing Memory in drag. Even though I am not a man.
You see where this circle goes? Do you know where you are?

I understand completely.

And that scares me. Not as much as it should scare me, but it scares me some.

 

[bluebell]

<snipped for the sake of my sanity so that I do not have nightmares about breadsticks>

Ew!
He came up to me, I did none of this flaunting business. I was, in fact, ANTI-FLAUNT as I had just gotten done at the gym. So there.

Heehee. Show.

No, you cannot wear a bag over your head. Cos then you would be, you, short, lapis-colored with bag over your head, which is worse than you, short, lapis-colored with no bag on head. This is the voice of wisdom.

I will not show, there is nothing to show!
I suppose you are right about the bag-head stuff. Probably better to not have one, even though not looking at everyone would be better for ME.

WHA??? Oh, we need to talk, gf. Srsly.

Don't worry. It was just me proving, yet again, my deeply uncharted depths of retardation.

I understand completely.

And that scares me. Not as much as it should scare me, but it scares me some.

I knew I could count on you. Maybe our other unknown selves are performing a duet somewhere right now. Possibly Sondheim.

 

[bluebell]

Believe me, there have been times in my life ( and, no, I ain't sayin' ) when I wished I WAS invisible. I suspect those times were easily recognizable to any casual observer— the deep, red blush on my face must have been a dead giveaway.

I'll never forget those moments of mortification when I wished I'd had the chamelon-like power to meld into the background or simply shrink into physical insignificance.

No one believes me when I confess that I— once or twice — committed incredibly dumb and boorish acts. Hell, for all I know, I may even have done so recently. Thankfully, I'm marginally less self-conscious than I once was. All in all, though, there's nothing quite like being young and stupid.

There's much to be said for being invisible.

There is also much to be said for being you.
You.

 

[Safe_Bet]

There is also much to be said for being you.
You.

There is also much to be said for being ewe.

(you can grown you own yarn, for example...)