Suffering

[naughtycakes]

What does it do for you? I was thinking about this today. I like to enjoy life, I'm always looking for fun stuff to do, stuff I find fulfilling and challenging, yet I like to suffer sexually. Why?

What role or function does suffering play in your sexuality, if any? Is it the catharsis? That's my first guess. I enjoy intense emotions, the rollercoaster ride, the dopamine surge, is that it? Is it penance? Partially, I think it is for me.

I think some people enjoy drama in their lives, others enjoy suffering, maybe some enjoy both. But generally, I don't enjoy suffering outside of the sexual realm, and I'm trying to understand my fascination with torture, suffering, rape, etc.

Any thoughts?

 

[CutieMouse]

A penitent streak almost as long as the maso-sub one.

 

[intothewoods]

Well, I don't love drama. They call me no drama itw, in fact.

I thrive on a certain amount of suffering primarily for catharsis, release, and sort of a test of inner strength kind of thing.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I don't like drama or suffering. I wouldn't call being in pain suffering though since it is sort of enjoyable.

 

[BiBunny]

The more I suffer for someone, the more worthy I feel of that person's attention. *Shrug*

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I don't like drama or suffering. I wouldn't call being in pain suffering though since it is sort of enjoyable.

I'll second that notion.



Right now, I'm really off the suffering bandwagon, after doing a lot of it for no result.

I went through a lot recently, so someone could have time and space to make their own life improvements. They didn't. I also hoped that time and space might re-ignite some interest in the failing sexual side of the relationship, it didn't.

I thought doing those things, and more, might make me worthy of the kind of relationship I wanted and needed. It didn't work out that way.

So right now, I'm going through a selfish phase. Which will run it's course eventually, and then I'll be back to normal.

 

[nh23]

The more I suffer for someone, the more worthy I feel of that person's attention. *Shrug*

*ding, ding, ding*

 

[the_mgp]

The more I suffer for someone, the more worthy I feel of that person's attention. *Shrug*

QFT....

 

[Harmony_1985]

The more I suffer for someone, the more worthy I feel of that person's attention. *Shrug*

Nail on the head!

 

[Fuckette]

Pain can be pleasure

 

[HarlotMinx]

Well, I don't love drama. They call me no drama itw, in fact.

I'm of mixed feelings on the subject of drama. While I have a certain amount of loathing for people who intentionally cause stress or drama in others lives I admit to a certain amount of understanding if not sympathy. Both Moon and I are what we'd call emotional feeders. She and I gain some actual pleasure from others reactions, emotions. Like, while I don't have a dominant bone in my body, I admit that I find the reactions and emotions of others in pain to be intoxicating. I have little interest in the actual act of causing people pain beyond as a means to get the reactions and emotions to the surface. I guess it's the honesty of fear, embarrassment, and pain that makes them so delicious. They aren't something that can really be faked, and in a society where we so oft wear masks (especially those of us who fit out of social norms) it's a delight to indulge in them. I can understand why others might express the desire to see it in others but I also don't condone trying to elicit these reactions in the unwilling.

Moon has in the past done things that had nothing to do with pain or humiliation that I could chalk up to enjoyment. Not everything is about enjoyment or even doing things within the bounds of my comforts. Sometimes I find myself pushed past what's fun or comfortable because it.... I guess liberates me from myself. There is a certain amount or release in suffering and I think that if it's controlled either by the receiver or the giver, it can actually be quite healthy to a person's personal development.

Eh, just some pondering
-poppet

 

[Puman]

To quote some lyrics from a very good band
"Just when you think it's never gonna pass
It feels so good at last"

Non Point - To the Pain

 

[naughtycakes]

Well, I don't love drama. They call me no drama itw, in fact.

I thrive on a certain amount of suffering primarily for catharsis, release, and sort of a test of inner strength kind of thing.

Ok, this seems to be one of the schools of thought here, and I think I identify more with this than the "suffering for him" vein.

The last part of your statement struck a chord, mostly because it's something I've not thought about for a while, but so many of my adolescent fantasies revolved around testing my inner strength. I fantasized about be put through horrific ordeals, being abused, humiliated, but coming out of it head held high in the end, ready to take on more and spit on my objectifyers

Thanks for your input, it's really made me think and I know it's something I have to reflect on more.

I don't like drama or suffering. I wouldn't call being in pain suffering though since it is sort of enjoyable.

Exactly. Is pain suffering if you enjoy it? It's like the snake biting it's own tail...

Pain can be pleasure

Hi there! Lovely to see you again. Yes, and how does this gel then? I guess I'm being too analytical, looking to assign meaning where there might be none.

To quote some lyrics from a very good band
"Just when you think it's never gonna pass
It feels so good at last"

Non Point - To the Pain

Mmmmm, release and catharsis!

 

[naughtycakes]

A penitent streak almost as long as the maso-sub one.

Hmm, ok, but how do you see suffering? Is it a combination of both things for you? A need to do penance as well as a need for pain?

The more I suffer for someone, the more worthy I feel of that person's attention. *Shrug*

Huh. That's completely alien to me, but it seems like several others here feel this way. So why do you need to suffer to earn somebody's attention? Have you thought about it at all or is it just something you accept and don't question?

*ding, ding, ding*

Wow, lovely av, you guys look great together, and you're just beautiful. Can I ask you the same question I posed to BiBunny? Why?

QFT....

Another gorgie girly! Same question, hot stuff, if you care to answer.

Nail on the head!

Care to answer the same question, ladycakes?

 

[naughtycakes]

I'll second that notion.



Right now, I'm really off the suffering bandwagon, after doing a lot of it for no result.

I went through a lot recently, so someone could have time and space to make their own life improvements. They didn't. I also hoped that time and space might re-ignite some interest in the failing sexual side of the relationship, it didn't.

I thought doing those things, and more, might make me worthy of the kind of relationship I wanted and needed. It didn't work out that way.

So right now, I'm going through a selfish phase. Which will run it's course eventually, and then I'll be back to normal.

Hey Lizzie, sorry to hear about your troubles. Hope you can reconcile what you need to reconcile and move on.

p.s. Selfish phases rock

 

[intothewoods]

Ok, this seems to be one of the schools of thought here, and I think I identify more with this than the "suffering for him" vein.

The last part of your statement struck a chord, mostly because it's something I've not thought about for a while, but so many of my adolescent fantasies revolved around testing my inner strength. I fantasized about be put through horrific ordeals, being abused, humiliated, but coming out of it head held high in the end, ready to take on more and spit on my objectifyers

Thanks for your input, it's really made me think and I know it's something I have to reflect on more.

I mean, he is part of the equation. I don't run around doing pain play with just anyone. And in fact, when I bottom to people (a few) outside of my relationship, it's much more of an endurance, test of self kind of thing, although even with those Tops, there is something of a desire to please. It's both. Half oh I won't be a bratty bottom I can take this and make the scene good for you, and half, personal test of my own will.

I guess there is what do you get out of it and why do you do it. The reasons I do it for my PYL are because I love him, and I know it really turns him on to see the suffering part, I want him to be satisfied, pleased, etc. But when it's all said and done, what do I get out of it? It's a mutually beneficial relationship. His sadistic desires are satisfied, my masochistic, need for release is satisfied.

 

[Harmony_1985]

Care to answer the same question, ladycakes?

As far as I'm concerned (I can't speak for others), its about showing my devotion to my Sir and meeting his expectations.

He knows what I'm capable of, where my limits lie and how far to push them, therefore if I can show that I can handle what he gives me, or take my punishment if I do wrong without complaint, then it shows my willingness towards him and my trust in him too.

To suffer for my Sir is to show how devoted I am to him.

I think that makes sense lol.

 

[Kathykitten]

This could jsut be me now but.... Isn't suffering a word that implies that you in no way , shape or form enjoy or have benefit of whats happening? That suffering is a state of high mental anguish and despair?

Like another here said: "I don't think being in pain is suffering". I don't think discomfort is suffering either.

 

[WickedEve]

I've come to the conclusion that I need to suffer, to a certain extent, both physically and emotionally when I'm involved with a man. Why? Easiest explanation is because it's the way I am. Yeah, I'm going with easy. I could ponder on it for awhile, though that would be tedious. But tedium would kind of be like mild suffering, so... I'll just go think about it.

 

[BiBunny]

Huh. That's completely alien to me, but it seems like several others here feel this way. So why do you need to suffer to earn somebody's attention? Have you thought about it at all or is it just something you accept and don't question?

It's a combination of things. For one, I tend not to appreciate someone's attention when it's just handed to me. Men who fawn irritate me. On the other hand, if I've done something pretty out there and am getting petted for it, it comforts me.

I'm also one of those subscribers to the "nothing worth having comes easy" school of thought.

There's probably a good bit of nuttiness mixed in with that, too. It wouldn't surprise me, LOL. I just feel so much more beautiful and so much more worthy of his attention after I've gone through hell to get it. But, then, I'm a heavy emotional masochist, too.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Exactly. Is pain suffering if you enjoy it? It's like the snake biting it's own tail...

Right. For me suffering is when my husband was deployed and I was used to getting calls everyday and then a major battle was on the news right where he was at and I didn't hear from him for a week. That is suffering. Or when I was out with my very young children once and within a second my youngest disappeared (2 yo) The whole place closed down as a Code Adam was called and it was 15 minutes before we found the little devil. That 15 minutes worth of suffering was far worse than anything my PYL could ever do to me.


I guess my point is that there is real suffering in this world and to use the word "suffer" when you are doing it by choice just doesn't click in my head.

JMO

 

[BiBunny]

I guess my point is that there is real suffering in this world and to use the word "suffer" when you are doing it by choice just doesn't click in my head.

It's not always "by choice."

 

[ecstaticsub]

It's not always "by choice."

Of course it is to a certain extent. I choose to not be in a relationship with lots of drama and so called "suffering". People that get into that stay in those kind of relationships. If you didn't like it you wouldn't be there. (general you)

 

[madetotakeit]

Despite loving the outcome, what it takes to get you there can (and is) suffering in the moment. (Painsluts aside for this take on it.) If it wasn't suffering in the moment then what are the tears, cries, and screams that are elicited?

I fall...squarely in the middle. I get the penitence angle. Guilt over anything can build up to mental anguish. I carry the small things just as long as the big things. We were raised as children that we are punished for something wrong. For many of us that included corporal punishment at some point. Once we reach adulthood, that consequence is no longer there. If we are wired to react to it, then we are going to find a cathartic reaction in physical pain. There becomes a balance when the outside hurts as much as the inside. Once that is reached it is easier to allow ourselves to let it go.

I also understand (from my own perspective) equating how much I suffer with another person. The more I care about someone the more I am willing to take (unfortunately for me this includes the emotional as well as the physical.) I want to be the one who is able to meet his need to give pain. In essence saying, "This is what I am willing to endure for you, and only you. Because you have that need to inflict, I will take it." There is an association of worthiness if someone takes you not only to your limits but trusts you enough to take you to his.

When it comes to drama...I loathe it. I have no time for it nor place for it in my life. I refer to drama as artificial emotion. I have enough real emotion in my life that I don't need to try to produce any. I love having a depth of emotion to pull from, but I am not going to hand it out to just anyone. There is too much there for me to be so casual with it. I always have the sense that people who feel the need to create drama are trying to fill a hole. There is some gaping chasm in them that causes a need to be the center of attention. And in my opinion that is all drama is, someone crying out for attention. A Machiavellian version of the crocodile tears of a child.

And since we are bringing up lyrics. I heard one as I was driving last night that I haven't heard for years.

"Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes,
The pains gonna make everything alright" Black Crowes~She Talks To Angels.

 

[BiBunny]

Of course it is to a certain extent. I choose to not be in a relationship with lots of drama and so called "suffering". People that get into that stay in those kind of relationships. If you didn't like it you wouldn't be there. (general you)

Drama and suffering aren't the same in my mind. I can suffer for someone without excess drama. And I really, really don't want to get into the "you have a choice" debate because it's been done way too many times here.

I could say the same kinds of things about pain, however. You can't call it pain if you like it. It only counts as pain if you've fallen down the stairs and broken your leg, not if the person you're in a relationship with canes your ass. I don't know. I don't buy that. I've had unintentional pain, and I've had intentional pain. My brain doesn't process the two that differently.

Have you ever done something you didn't want to for your PYL? You hated the idea, but he wanted you to do it, so you did it, anyway? Does your "choice" to do whatever that thing was negate your distaste for it or the displeasure you felt while doing it?

I think we're headed down a slippery slope of logical fallacy.