GANG BANG - A Radical Critique Thread

[unpredictablebijou]

Okay, here's how this goes.

Post a poem you're struggling with and need feedback about. It's best if you have some specific questions to ask about it.

Others will poke at your poem, put it in various positions, fuck with it, even slap it around a bit, if that's what it's into.

ANYONE CAN FUCK WITH THE POEMS IN HERE, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT THEY DEFINE THEMSELVES AS A WRITER OR A POET. In fact, that's something I'm hoping for: readers, as well as writers, giving their ideas about a piece and whether it worked for them.

So that the various poems do not get lost in what I hope will be a lot of good discussion and commentary, I will update this first post regularly with a sort of Table of Contents, which links to the posts of each poem submitted for the gang bang. Like this:


1. Denim by upbj
2. (whispered in a dark room) by Champagne
3. Rove by EilonwyKareena
4. 'tied, helpless...' by UnderYourSpell
5. two poems by EilonwyKareena
6. late by PandoraGlitters
7. [URL="http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=29438563&postcount=62"]Fall back to Standard by Champagne
[/URL]
8. Liebeslied by Tzara
9. Submissive Origami by Champagne





As in all my threads, there are no rules but one: Be Kind.

And grease up, cause here we go.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Here's my own latest troublesome piece, submitted for your gangbanging pleasure. Questions follow.


Denim

The game now
is five buttons
like cards.
Play close to the
vest.
Lay one open
down
and I'll keep
a poker face.
At two, I may
think you have
a pair. An ace
and deuces
snake
eye.
Three down and
you're open
I'll call
so lay down
four
and relieve
the suspense.
Notice
my flush.
Lay it
on the table
and let
me see
your hand:
Royal
straight.


***


Questions.
First, and most importantly, did it work for you? Did it make you hot?
Second, how's the metaphor? Too much, so that you said to yourself, yeah yeah, it's a poker metaphor, fine, whatever, get on with it? Or was it just the right amount? Or somewhere in between?
Third, do you hate the truncated lines and the look of the poem as much as I do? I really want a feel of hesitance, of teasing, in this piece, but I don't know how to do that aside from using the natural pause that line breaks create. But frankly, a poem about a cock should be, well, thicker.

Have at it.

bj

 

[Angeline]

Here's my own latest troublesome piece, submitted for your gangbanging pleasure. Questions follow.


Denim

The game now
is five buttons
like cards.
Play close to the
vest.
Lay one open
down
and I'll keep
a poker face.
At two, I may
think you have
a pair. An ace
and deuces
snake
eye.
Three down and
you're open
I'll call
so lay down
four
and relieve
the suspense.
Notice
my flush.
Lay it
on the table
and let
me see
your hand:
Royal
straight.


***


Questions.
First, and most importantly, did it work for you? Did it make you hot?
Second, how's the metaphor? Too much, so that you said to yourself, yeah yeah, it's a poker metaphor, fine, whatever, get on with it? Or was it just the right amount? Or somewhere in between?
Third, do you hate the truncated lines and the look of the poem as much as I do? I really want a feel of hesitance, of teasing, in this piece, but I don't know how to do that aside from using the natural pause that line breaks create. But frankly, a poem about a cock should be, well, thicker.

Have at it.

bj

This is the thread you dragged me into? A thread that asks me to make cheap and low critical comments all over your poem? Preferably while you're um well we can just use our imaginations as to what you might be doing, can't we? There. That's lurid enough for now. The poem.

First, and most importantly, did it work for you? Did it make you hot?

Moderately hot but I'm half listening to msnbc and yknow John McCain is on every other minute. It's bad for my libido.

Second, how's the metaphor?Too much, so that you said to yourself, yeah yeah, it's a poker metaphor, fine, whatever, get on with it? Or was it just the right amount? Or somewhere in between?

It's very good and the right amount. It's consistent. Instead of "three down," I'd say "three of a kind." And maybe use "fold" somewhere since it has both poker and erotic connotations. The only extra, unnecessary word I see is "now." You could lose it without sacrificing anything in meaning or tone. And this may just be me, but I don't like to break lines on articles; I think lines are stronger overall when articles are not the end words. I like the little flash of internal rhyme, too.

Third, do you hate the truncated lines and the look of the poem as much as I do? I really want a feel of hesitance, of teasing, in this piece, but I don't know how to do that aside from using the natural pause that line breaks create. But frankly, a poem about a cock should be, well, thicker.

I don't hate truncated lines if the meaning is there; yours is fine. However this poem would work well as an illustrated piece. Or you could make it a shape poem. You'd probably have to um flesh it out some for that, but I think it would work extremely well that way.

Do you feel sufficently banged now?

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Moderately hot but I'm half listening to msnbc and yknow John McCain is on every other minute. It's bad for my libido.

OMG NEVER read erotica while listening to John mcCain. You could end up with a really unfortunate fetish.

It's very good and the right amount. It's consistent. Instead of "three down," I'd say "three of a kind." And maybe use "fold" somewhere since it has both poker and erotic connotations. The only extra, unnecessary word I see is "now." You could lose it without sacrificing anything in meaning or tone. And this may just be me, but I don't like to break lines on articles; I think lines are stronger overall when articles are not the end words. I like the little flash of internal rhyme, too.

Yer right, as always. I really, really struggled with the breaks, obviously. And I really don't like ending on anything weak like an article, unless I want to create some hesitation like in this one.

I don't hate truncated lines if the meaning is there; yours is fine. However this poem would work well as an illustrated piece. Or you could make it a shape poem. You'd probably have to um flesh it out some for that, but I think it would work extremely well that way.

Do you feel sufficently banged now?

Never bother to ask if I feel sufficiently banged. The bijou is rather insatiable. And you can bang me just as much as you want, as you know. Cause well you da bomb. But I am immensely grateful for the banging, that's for sure.

An illustrated poem? LOL! I could just use one of the four thousand pictures I've been looking at lately...

And this:
You'd probably have to um flesh it out some for that

made me lawl. a lot.

I do love a good innuendo. And you know what they say: Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Thank you. really. You help.

bj

 

[Angeline]

OMG NEVER read erotica while listening to John mcCain. You could end up with a really unfortunate fetish.




Yer right, as always. I really, really struggled with the breaks, obviously. And I really don't like ending on anything weak like an article, unless I want to create some hesitation like in this one.




Never bother to ask if I feel sufficiently banged. The bijou is rather insatiable. And you can bang me just as much as you want, as you know. Cause well you da bomb. But I am immensely grateful for the banging, that's for sure.

An illustrated poem? LOL! I could just use one of the four thousand pictures I've been looking at lately...

And this:
You'd probably have to um flesh it out some for that

made me lawl. a lot.

I do love a good innuendo. And you know what they say: Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Thank you. really. You help.

bj

I wasn't kidding about the shape poem idea. I think that would be very interesting. Look, for example, at the shape poem of a light bulb here and use your imagination, which with I know you are abundantly blessed lol. It would make a good challenge, actually, erotic shape poetry. I'd probably make myself crazy trying to write one though. Maybe Fool could come up with a spreadsheet for it.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Well I don't know if I have made the poem any better, but if I have amused Ange at all then my mission is accomplished...





.............................Denim
...........................The game
........................is five buttons
........................like cards. Play
......................close to the vest.
.....................Lay one open, and
....................down, and I'll try to
.....................keep a poker face.
.....................At two, I might
....................begin to think
...................you have a pair.
..................An ace and two
.................deuces; snake
................eye. You open
..............with your strong
.............hand now: three
...........of a kind. I'll call
..........so lay down four
........and relieve the
......suspense. Notice
.....my flush. There's
....no chance you'll
...fold. Lay it on the
..table and let me
.see your hand:
Royal straight.

 

[sassynyc]

I don't have anything particularly helpful for your poem, but it did work for me. The metaphor was tight.....and yes, it was hot. The brand of hot that creates just enough steam on the windows, to leave anyone outside pissed that they can't see what's goin on. Sexy but not overdone. I like the strip-tease-type progression. But mostly I just had to stick my head in the door, cuz I love the title of the thread.

Your mind is a dark and twisted place, and always so much fun to visit.

ETA: Just saw your remodeling job *cackles*
My opinion: 2 cents
Gang Bang Critique: A dime a dozen
Penis-Shaped Poetry: Priceless

 

[Liar]

Want fucking with? I'll give you fucking with.

It was hot for about ten seconds, until you overdid it.

It's like you found this shiny new metaphor, and decided to use it for everything. In the same way, over and over. You took one aspect of sex, applied one aspect of poker to it, blurted out a one-liner, and repeated, and repeated.

Either plunge a little deeper into it, allow yourself to veer off on a tangent somewhere in there, change the pace and squeeeeeze one version of the metaphor until it spontaneously cums, before you move on.

Something like that. Hope it made sense.

 

[Angeline]

Well I don't know if I have made the poem any better, but if I have amused Ange at all then my mission is accomplished...





.............................Denim
...........................The game
........................is five buttons
........................like cards. Play
......................close to the vest.
.....................Lay one open, and
....................down, and I'll try to
.....................keep a poker face.
.....................At two, I might
....................begin to think
...................you have a pair.
..................An ace and two
.................deuces; snake
................eye. You open
..............with your strong
.............hand now: three
...........of a kind. I'll call
..........so lay down four
........and relieve the
......suspense. Notice
.....my flush. There's
....no chance you'll
...fold. Lay it on the
..table and let me
.see your hand:
Royal straight.

That's excellent. Now if you submit it to Lit this way, I bet you'll either get an E or enough 5s to put you in the top list. I am not kidding! It's a perfect Lit poem.

 

[Liar]

By the way, what's this doing in the hangout forum? has the world gone all topsy-tyrvy on me, or is it the gin?

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Want fucking with? I'll give you fucking with.

It was hot for about ten seconds, until you overdid it.

It's like you found this shiny new metaphor, and decided to use it for everything. In the same way, over and over. You took one aspect of sex, applied one aspect of poker to it, blurted out a one-liner, and repeated, and repeated.

Either plunge a little deeper into it, allow yourself to veer off on a tangent somewhere in there, change the pace and squeeeeeze one version of the metaphor until it spontaneously cums, before you move on.

Something like that. Hope it made sense.

\
See, yes! Thank you! (okay, I do kinda like it rough -- from people I like, anyway.) That's pretty much what I thought when I read it: oh how cute, you thought of a metaphor. And now you're playing with yourself about it.

If the topic weren't so appealing to me, I'd have set fire to it. But here's what really makes me insane with ambivalence and hilarity: Ange, below, is probably also correct. It's a perfect Lit poem. Might even get an E. All I know about that is this:

This show has great writers.

That's excellent. Now if you submit it to Lit this way, I bet you'll either get an E or enough 5s to put you in the top list. I am not kidding! It's a perfect Lit poem.

Dear god. And the twisted thing is, I might. Even though all I say when I look at that post is "Jesus Christ, that's 45 minutes of my life that I will NEVER GET BACK."

By the way, what's this doing in the hangout forum? has the world gone all topsy-tyrvy on me, or is it the gin?

Not that it's not also the gin, but I'm thinking this.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2150/2429890918_cf8bdcc2ef_o.jpg

 

[Angeline]

\
See, yes! Thank you! (okay, I do kinda like it rough -- from people I like, anyway.) That's pretty much what I thought when I read it: oh how cute, you thought of a metaphor. And now you're playing with yourself about it.

If the topic weren't so appealing to me, I'd have set fire to it. But here's what really makes me insane with ambivalence and hilarity: Ange, below, is probably also correct. It's a perfect Lit poem. Might even get an E. All I know about that is this:

This show has great writers.



Dear god. And the twisted thing is, I might. Even though all I say when I look at that post is "Jesus Christ, that's 45 minutes of my life that I will NEVER GET BACK."




Not that it's not also the gin, but I'm thinking this.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2150/2429890918_cf8bdcc2ef_o.jpg

You were really good. I was thinking of trying it for you, even though my artistic abilities are pretty questionable. I think there are times when the content of a poem would clearly be enhanced by illustrating or shaping, and this is one of those times.

 

[champagne1982]

Well I don't know if I have made the poem any better, but if I have amused Ange at all then my mission is accomplished...

You've amused me, too.

I love the shape. Before, when every line was left dressed and as straight as the front rank of a parade of soldiers, I couldn't say I found this hot. Now, its blatant connotations proudly thrust onto the white space, I feel the clench that makes a little pearl of welcome squeeze forth.

To address those dangling participles and limp prepositions:

.............................Denim
...........................The game
........................is five buttons
........................like cards. Play
.....................close to the vest.
....................Lay one open, bet
..................double down and I'll
....................keep a poker face.
.....................At two, I might
.....................begin to think
...................you have a pair.
..................An ace and two
.................deuces or snake
................eye. You open
..............with your strong
..............hand now: three
.............of a kind. Called,
...........show me the full
...........house or a bluff
.........of four, draw out
........suspense. Notice
.......my flush. There's
......no chance you'll
....fold. Fan it across
..the table. Let me
.see your hand:
Royal straight.

I like the extended metaphor and the playfulness of the poem. When you embrace the humour it's only natural that you'll lose some eroticism. Don't mourn it, sometimes it's better to laugh at sex than to always feel it's gotta be sexy.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

You guys are crackin' me up.

It's amazing to think that with enough slapping around, this might end up being a reasonable piece. I'm still entirely skeptical.

Champy, your editing looks good; in my own draft file I've actually taken it back to a non-penis shape (!) just so I can look at the language without so much, um, distraction. I'll keep y'all posted on whether or not it eventually rises properly to the occasion.

and this:

Now, its blatant connotations proudly thrust onto the white space, I feel the clench that makes a little pearl of welcome squeeze forth.

kills me.

Alright, SRSLY this is plenty of attention for what is admittedly a very mediocre penis poem. (I got a million of 'em.) Somebody put something up for a bang. I promise to respect limits and safewords. Honest.

bj

 

[champagne1982]

BaNG this!

Lover's Urge (whispered in a dark room)

Lean forward, darling;
show me the shadowy curve
that slips, hidden, behind
satin bodice and breasts
covered in lamé draped
from shoulder to waist.

Lean forward so that I catch
a glimpse of glamoured nipple
before you straighten your spine
in a feline flex of strength
under tawny silk my palms
want to splay across.

Lean forward, sooner than now
and bend at the waist, invite
my hands to crumple the skirt
with caresses on your hips
every time you move
in all directions but away.
________________________________

How would you slice this? Is it rhythmic enough or too prosey? Does it work?

 

[unpredictablebijou]

BaNG this!

Lover's Urge (whispered in a dark room)

Lean forward, darling;
show me the shadowy curve
that slips, hidden, behind
satin bodice and breasts
covered in lamé draped
from shoulder to waist.

Lean forward so that I catch
a glimpse of glamoured nipple
before you straighten your spine
in a feline flex of strength
under tawny silk my palms
want to splay across.

Lean forward, sooner than now
and bend at the waist, invite
my hands to crumple the skirt
with caresses on your hips
every time you move
in all directions but away.
________________________________

How would you slice this? Is it rhythmic enough or too prosey? Does it work?

I am working up to gangbanging this. But I like to think about it a lot first. Just wanted you to know that you weren't being ignored.

I love the phrase "feline flex". It should be an STC.

bj

 

[unpredictablebijou]

BaNG this!

Lover's Urge (whispered in a dark room)

Lean forward, darling;
show me the shadowy curve
that slips, hidden, behind
satin bodice and breasts
covered in lamé draped
from shoulder to waist.

Lean forward so that I catch
a glimpse of glamoured nipple
before you straighten your spine
in a feline flex of strength
under tawny silk my palms
want to splay across.

Lean forward, sooner than now
and bend at the waist, invite
my hands to crumple the skirt
with caresses on your hips
every time you move
in all directions but away.
________________________________

How would you slice this? Is it rhythmic enough or too prosey? Does it work?

*[shred]

Dark blue = I liked it. Keep it.
Red= it's awkward. Hard to parse. Unnecessary or desperate for a rephrase.
Cyan = meh. didn't do anything to me, didn't push the poem properly.

I hate "lover's urge" but I love "whispered in a dark room". I was really ambivalent about "darling" but I can't justify disliking it so I won't.

I think you need to move a bit toward the graphic, and emphasize that aspect of several reasons why she's leaning forward. You give two verses to the idea of exposing the breasts by leaning forward, but you don't really give equal time to the other sort of leaning forward, where the narrator is now behind her, or at least that's how I read it. That deserves more energy; it should balance the first part.

I don't like the word 'caresses' either, for that matter. It's just kinda generalized. I need to see what the hands are doing more clearly than that. There must be some more vivid verb that would work there.

kay then.

[/shred]

 

[champagne1982]

BaNG this!

Lover's Urge (whispered in a dark room)

Lean forward, darling;
show me the shadowy curve
that slips, hidden, behind
satin bodice and breasts
covered in lamé draped
from shoulder to waist.

Lean forward so that I catch
a glimpse of glamoured nipple
before you straighten your spine
in a feline flex of strength
under tawny silk my palms
want to splay across.

Lean forward, sooner than now
and bend at the waist, invite
my hands to crumple the skirt
with caresses on your hips
every time you move
in all directions but away.
________________________________

How would you slice this? Is it rhythmic enough or too prosey? Does it work?

*[shred]

Dark blue = I liked it. Keep it.
Red= it's awkward. Hard to parse. Unnecessary or desperate for a rephrase.
Cyan = meh. didn't do anything to me, didn't push the poem properly.

I hate "lover's urge" but I love "whispered in a dark room". I was really ambivalent about "darling" but I can't justify disliking it so I won't.

I think you need to move a bit toward the graphic, and emphasize that aspect of several reasons why she's leaning forward. You give two verses to the idea of exposing the breasts by leaning forward, but you don't really give equal time to the other sort of leaning forward, where the narrator is now behind her, or at least that's how I read it. That deserves more energy; it should balance the first part.

I don't like the word 'caresses' either, for that matter. It's just kinda generalized. I need to see what the hands are doing more clearly than that. There must be some more vivid verb that would work there.

kay then.

[/shred]

(whispered in a darkened room)

Lean forward to suggest
the shadowy curve
slipped hidden, behind
the loose bodice
gaping wider the lower you go

Allow a glimpse
of glamoured nipple
before you straighten your spine
in a feline flex of strength
under tawny silk
that twists beneath my hands

Lean forward and smooth
the cloth taut across your hips.
Invite my fingers
to crumple your skirt
with each movement you make;
in all directions except away.
________________________________

How about now? Are you ready to take my hips and drag me back against your thrusts?

I agree, obviously, with your suggestions. It's very hard to keep the voice smooth when there are so many extra words we need to parse the language and keep the message from becoming too ambiguous and well, Artsy.

Thanks, btw. I hope more bangers are in line, this is pretty lame if it's supposed to be a "gang"...

 

[lorencino]

How about now? Are you ready to take my hips and drag me back against your thrusts?

I agree, obviously, with your suggestions. It's very hard to keep the voice smooth when there are so many extra words we need to parse the language and keep the message from becoming too ambiguous and well, Artsy.

Thanks, btw. I hope more bangers are in line, this is pretty lame if it's supposed to be a "gang"...

You guys can be as oblique as you want, but you all come across as hot, singeing. In fact, you guys do more with words than most people manage with their entire bodies. It is joyous to sit quietly and feel the tides of your passion wash about my being.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

(whispered in a darkened room)

Lean forward to suggest
the shadowy curve
slipped hidden, behind
the loose bodice
gaping wider the lower you go

Allow a glimpse
of glamoured nipple
before you straighten your spine
in a feline flex of strength
under tawny silk
that twists beneath my hands

Lean forward and smooth
the cloth taut across your hips.
Invite my fingers
to crumple your skirt
with each movement you make;
in all directions except away.
________________________________

How about now? Are you ready to take my hips and drag me back against your thrusts?

I agree, obviously, with your suggestions. It's very hard to keep the voice smooth when there are so many extra words we need to parse the language and keep the message from becoming too ambiguous and well, Artsy.

Thanks, btw. I hope more bangers are in line, this is pretty lame if it's supposed to be a "gang"...

Although having lorencino join the gang is a lot like having three regular people join, so there's that.

I like this draft a lot better. It's tighter and more vivid. A single suggestion: instead of "allow a glimpse" I'm thinking "allow me a glimpse." Your narrator may as well get in there a little earlier, being a little directive.

It is rather hot, and of course your hips have always been of great interest to me...

You guys can be as oblique as you want, but you all come across as hot, singeing. In fact, you guys do more with words than most people manage with their entire bodies. It is joyous to sit quietly and feel the tides of your passion wash about my being.

oh smooch!

You just join right in on the bang, whenever you like. I bet you'd be really good at the aftercare and cuddling parts.

bj

 

[lorencino]

I bet you'd be really good at the aftercare and cuddling parts.

bj

S'right, just call Nurse L for all your cuddly aftercare needs.

Now, as to that shape up there, that is so sensuous compared to the the two eyes with a long nose hanging down type of crude image I was imagining. That shape is such a master stroke, I can close my eyes and just feel it's full fleshiness in my hand. That's what I call accomplished.

Now at some stage I might just calm down enough to actually look at the poem itself, though it does not seem in any need of aftercare at present.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

S'right, just call Nurse L for all your cuddly aftercare needs.

Now, as to that shape up there, that is so sensuous compared to the the two eyes with a long nose hanging down type of crude image I was imagining. That shape is such a master stroke, I can close my eyes and just feel it's full fleshiness in my hand. That's what I call accomplished.

Now at some stage I might just calm down enough to actually look at the poem itself, though it does not seem in any need of aftercare at present.

Shucks *shuffling feet, grinning*

I just paint what I see. Or what I'd like to, anyway.

bj

eta: hm. I would love to see what you might do with a 'companion' poem in the complementary shape...

 

[loststar]

I would critique, but its just too hot, i cant think strait

 

[EilonwyKareena]

Rove

Rove, godling fingers,
Love is blind to faults
Not cursed, not seen.
Arouse my fear.
My purity forfeit
Only for you.
Speak, silver tongue,
The musk of your voice
Betrays my innocence.
Lust will conquer me.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Rove, godling fingers,
Love is blind to faults
Not cursed, not seen.
Arouse my fear.
My purity forfeit
Only for you.
Speak, silver tongue,
The musk of your voice
Betrays my innocence.
Lust will conquer me.

Welcome, and what a lovely celtic name you have!

Are you submitting this one for a bang? It's got real potential.

bj