from sister to sister (women only)

[Guest]

So, my sister is about to give birth on the other side of the ocean. She went through the whole patriarchal thing of letting the doctor take care of her. She has not read one thing about giving birth. I offered to help in the ways that I can. I offered to ship her stuff that I bought for myself.

She did not want it. Until now.

Now she says she is afraid, that she hopes she did not trust the doctor too much...


What can I say? I am a woman's rights freak meself. I sincerely feel I am letting my sister walk into a slaughterhouse and I am not telling her a thing.

Why do women do this? Why do we keep silence?

Do I ship her Spiritual Midwifery and let her deal with it?

Maharat

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Maharat,
Who tells a cat how to have kittens? Or a bitch dog how to have puppies? Who told frontier women living out on the prarries with not neighbors, miles from civilization?

Your sister has medical care? Good. Having kids is a natural genetically based thing. What can you tell her?

 

[3113]

Why do women do this? Why do we keep silence?

I could say it was what we women were trained to do, listen to the person in charge, but frankly, from my particular lifetime of studying human nature, I've found that most people, male and female, WANT someone to tell them what to do especially in a scary situation. They WANT a magic-man (usually it's a man they want), who promises them that if they just listen to him, everything will go right and nothing will go wrong. Just like their dad's used to tell them when they were little: "Do what I tell you and everything will be okay." People don't want to be adults, to think for themselves, do the research and find out that there is no magic, no simple and easy way to make what's about to happen come out pain and trouble and effort free. They want to believe that someone can make it all magically easy.

Or in your sister's case, they don't want to find out that childbirth can be really unpleasant with all sorts of possible complications that could lead to even more unpleasant complications from a long delivery, to internal bleeding, to post-partem depression to urinary problems, etc. Easier to give yourself over to a doctor who tells you everything you want to hear. "It'll all be fine. The baby will be fine, you'll be fine, the labor will go well, there'll be no pain." Doctors are the ultimate "magic men." They promise all the miracles of science, years of knowledge (so why should you question them?), they're often confident, sometimes warm and paternal, and, lucky for a lot of us, usually right.

But they're also human and fallible. And it is wise to talk with those who've been through what you're going through as well as the doctor. It's wise to be knowledgeable and prepared. It's the ADULT thing to do.

Which is all to say, your sister isn't being a woman. She's being human. And yes, a stupid, childish human, likely a hormonal human. I think you should help her out for the sake of the baby and sisterly relationships in the future. It sounds like your niece or nephew is going to need you.

 

[3113]

Maharat,
Who tells a cat how to have kittens? Or a bitch dog how to have puppies? Who told frontier women living out on the prarries with not neighbors, miles from civilization??

Having kids is natural, yes, but humans are not cats or dogs. We don't birth a litter every season of babies who are ready to leave us after a couple of months. We birth one (sometimes two), big-headed babies through a narrow canal who then have to be nursed for a year and watched over for up till ten before they can survive on their own.

Which is why humans USUALLY live together in groups and assist each other with childbirth and child care and take a big risk at not doing too well if they're out on the prairie having a baby all by themselves. Woman can and did die in childbirth or after childbirth from all kinds of complications, at very high rates--that's not common for cats or dogs, but it's real common for humans. Labor for many women can be long, hard, complicated and, in some cases, can still lead to death of mother or infant.

Which is not to say that Maharat's sister, in this modern world, needs any more help than a hospital, just that your flippant answer doesn't make sense. What's natural among humans isn't, as with a cat, to go off and have her litter hidden away in the bushes; it's to be assisted by other women in the tribe, who can guide the baby out, make sure the new mother rests and gets food, and that the baby gets cared for and fed (as in a tribe, other women can play wet nurse). This keeps both mother and child alive. It's because most women did not, even on the prairie, have babies alone (settlers went out together and farmed land close to one another), that the human race has survived so well.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Having women around who will share their stories is incredible. When i had my daughter, i didn't know anyone else-- I had two other friends who got pregnant around the same time as me, but I was first. (and oh gods, i wish one of those women had better advice than she got-- her baby sustained some damage during the birth.) I was really lucky, having a relatively unpracticed OB-gyn, and a very experienced head nurse, who really did all of the work with me.

But when I was pregnant with my second, I was part of a breakfast club. We talked a lot about childbirth-- must have grossed out restaurants full of customers. All of these women had had one or more-- and the stories! I learned so much from them, and had so much more knowledge and confidence.

Jenny, the women who lived out on the frontier would travel miles to help each other through births. And lots of women died in childbirth. Still do, regardless of hospitals.

Human births are not as easy as most animals, mostly on account of our bigger heads.

 

[Guest]

But she is chosen not know. who am I to come barging with tales of unecessary episiotomies and pitocin?

In the other hand, won't she be pissed if I did not tell here.

Before I had mine it was the same thing. Women were unwilling to talk to the uninitiated. Thank god for books!

Maharat

 

[cloudy]

Thank goodness for living in the south, and southern women.

We gladly dispense stories, advice, etc. to each other about pregnancy and childbirth. Hold each other's hands during delivery, even.

 

[Lalah]

So, my sister is about to give birth on the other side of the ocean. She went through the whole patriarchal thing of letting the doctor take care of her. She has not read one thing about giving birth. I offered to help in the ways that I can. I offered to ship her stuff that I bought for myself.

She did not want it. Until now.

Now she says she is afraid, that she hopes she did not trust the doctor too much...


What can I say? I am a woman's rights freak meself. I sincerely feel I am letting my sister walk into a slaughterhouse and I am not telling her a thing.

Why do women do this? Why do we keep silence?

Do I ship her Spiritual Midwifery and let her deal with it?

Maharat

What does is matter if the doctor is male or female? A doctor is a doctor, no matter how biased you personally may be about men. Any health professional should be able to do the job.

 

[Guest]

What does is matter if the doctor is male or female? A doctor is a doctor, no matter how biased you personally may be about men. Any health professional should be able to do the job.

It is a female doctor. And yes, any obstetrician is capable of turning it in a C-section, regardless of gender

Maharat

 

[Vermilion]

It is a female doctor. And yes, any obstetrician is capable of turning it in a C-section, regardless of gender

Maharat

Tell her to get a doula. Best thing you can do for her.
x
V

 

[logophile]

It is a female doctor. And yes, any obstetrician is capable of turning it in a C-section, regardless of gender

Maharat

Hey Maharat -
I spent years as a homebirth midwife, would be happy to discuss some ideas to share with your sister when I'm back from my night class. Around 9:30 Central time.
Just real quick - I would send Ina May's new book instead of Spiritual Midwifery. It's all Ina May, but written from a slightly different perspective. I would also advise your sister to get in touch with her local LLL group before the baby comes. It sounds like she's going to need some mother lovin' from now till the baby is a few months old (at least).
Also - Vermillion is right - she needs a doula. And quick.
More later!

 

[logophile]

OK - I'm back from class. If you're still around, post back and we can throw around a couple of ideas / thoughts on the subject.

 

[Emerald_Dragon]

I must agree. I read everything that I could get my hands on about health, nutrition, prenatal care, the works. Big babies are common in my family. I was 10 lbs. My sister nearly died with her first one and ended up with an emergency c (he was 10 lb 11 oz, her girl five years later was 10 5). From the very beginning I wanted to know all of my options.

I don't understand how a woman could want to remain ignorant. If she is asking now I would share with her but instead of dumping lots of information on her all at once I would let her bring up questions one at a time. It is easier to process information that way and is not so over whelming for someone that is worried.

I would also give her some good reference books like the ones discussed. Even if she chooses not to read them you at least will have done your part.

Good luck becoming an auntie and I hope everything goes well for your sister and the baby.