How to make my wife orgasm?

[NightL]

You said she looks at porn, have you ever looked at porn together. I would assume if she is checking out porn there is a reward in it for her and that will be arousal and probably masturbation to orgasm.

Has she ever masturbated during your lovemaking?

Oh, and don't guess - never guess. Ask her to demonstrate what she likes. Rather than just penetrative sex try masturbating in each others company so you can observe how she goes about it.

Don't battle blindly ahead - you need input from her, but the moment has to be comfortable and relaxed for her to be open.

The partners I have enjoyed the most are those who take responsibility for their own orgasms - they seek them and they are open to take control over the moment, they are open to guide on what will assist them. I will be asking and checking in, I will be listening attentively to answers, breathing and paying close attention to body movement. Orgasms are shared moments of blissful intimacy, trust and so beautiful when love is packaged in as well.

Obviously something is not working for her so be prepared to start from scratch. The how has to come from her though, your responsibility is to set the mood where she is relaxed enough to guide what she wants out of sex.

I suggest you also raise the subject of what changes she may wish outside of moments of attempted intimacy. Deep and honest communication and most important of all is for you to listen.

Oh and never lose sight of romance toward each other - not romance for believing the deserved outcome is sex but romance for the joy of being in each others company and of the moment.

Get the communication going before you whip out a dildo.

 

[curioustxn]

A lot of the porn she likes is on the rougher/domination side which to be honest, is very hard for me to replicate. It’s not exactly my nature. But, I can try and ask about how to maybe incorporate some of it.

The sleeve has crossed my mind for sure. Stamina and size are both issues for me.

You mentioned that much of the porn she likes is rougher/domination. Some women need more than just sexual stimulation, they need emotional stimulation also. Being Dominated and Forced can create an emotional/sexual high for some woman. A sexual experience/high she can't get any other way.

And I do understand how this can be foreign to you, something that you don't enjoy doing to the woman you love, but it's all in how you look at it. An effective Dom/sub relationship is a learned skill for most men. A skill that a man learns to give his woman the sexual high she needs without harming her.

I would suggest that you watch porn with her, (her choice), and learn what turns her on the most. Then focus your mindset on pleasing your wife.

Perhaps she needs just simple bondage, or perhaps she needs to feel her power has been taken away from her and forced. Perhaps she even needs to feel she is being raped. As odd as it may sound, some women get an extreme orgasm from being forced/raped!

Whatever she needs to orgasm, learn it, and do it for her because you love her!!!!!

 

[EternityGhost14]

The toys aren't your competitor. They're an ally.

Do you all have any toys at all now?

She has a dildo, but she doesn’t know that I know.

 

[EternityGhost14]

You mentioned that much of the porn she likes is rougher/domination. Some women need more than just sexual stimulation, they need emotional stimulation also. Being Dominated and Forced can create an emotional/sexual high for some woman. A sexual experience/high she can't get any other way.

And I do understand how this can be foreign to you, something that you don't enjoy doing to the woman you love, but it's all in how you look at it. An effective Dom/sub relationship is a learned skill for most men. A skill that a man learns to give his woman the sexual high she needs without harming her.

I would suggest that you watch porn with her, (her choice), and learn what turns her on the most. Then focus your mindset on pleasing your wife.

Perhaps she needs just simple bondage, or perhaps she needs to feel her power has been taken away from her and forced. Perhaps she even needs to feel she is being raped. As odd as it may sound, some women get an extreme orgasm from being forced/raped!

Whatever she needs to orgasm, learn it, and do it for her because you love her!!!!!

I’m gonna try to make watching porn together, encouraging her to show me what she likes and how she gets off, a priority. But it’s just a slow burn. I try to avoid getting too pushy/pressing as it will usually make things even slower in the long run.

 

[curioustxn]

I’m gonna try to make watching porn together, encouraging her to show me what she likes and how she gets off, a priority. But it’s just a slow burn. I try to avoid getting too pushy/pressing as it will usually make things even slower in the long run.

Perhaps you need to build trust with her? No doubt she trusts you as her husband, but this is a new area for her, and it can take time for her to learn to trust you in this.

 

[EternityGhost14]

Perhaps you need to build trust with her? No doubt she trusts you as her husband, but this is a new area for her, and it can take time for her to learn to trust you in this.

No doubt. She’s just a pretty shy person when it comes to talking about this type of thing. I feel like she’s a very empathic person, and wouldn’t want me to feel bad and say she has a preference that may be counter to what I offer, at least naturally.

 

[Britva415]

@Britva415 Not trying to hijack this thread, but I'm curious if your partner who stonewalled/ wouldn't communicate was a dismissive avoidant?? Feel free to PM me

It wasn't a permanent thing. There was a genuine matter of major incompatibility which we eventually worked through with radical transparency and vulnerability. We (I) did come close to breaking up but communication and connection was restored before it came to that, and it was effective and sincere.

I don't know about the "dismissive" part, I've never heard of that in this context, but there might be some measure of avoidant type there, but I think everyone has that in some measure. She wasn't dismissive about her stonewalling, there was just a hard boundary which made it seem like we were out of options.

Until she moved the boundary. She didn't move it because I said I was going to leave (I didn't). But there was a period of time when that boundary was present and she wouldn't discuss the matter at all, no negotiation, no witnessing of my perspective. That was what drove me this close to the brink. Somehow during that period of time, her capacity for empathy did bring her to willingness to reconsider and discuss it, and it's a good thing it did, because when I broke the ice to say that I couldn't abide, I was completely convinced that the result was going to be "OK then, I guess we both can't abide."

Instead she answered my insistence upon talking about it with "you know what, I'm sort of changing my mind about that." I was like, oh, were you ever going to say so? But I haven't held it against her. She came through when it mattered.

OK, I looked into it and while, like I said, I do think that some measure of avoidant is in her, the dismissive part doesn't seem to track. If her empathy hadn't ever shown itself, it wouldn't have worked out.

And wouldn't you know it, the matter of concern here was about sex. I said "no" to the kind of empty, performative, one-sided "sex" I described to OP. My post-menopausal, asexual wife is off the hook, and I have a pass for extramarital sex now. She's my loved one but not my lover.

 

[Britva415]

everyone seems to be offering you relationship advice here. But what you need is sex advice.

There is no way to just make someone orgasm, if they aren't already just orgasming with you already. The other peson has to be into it. This spouse really doesn't seem to be, based on what OP described. She is totally not motivated to get it, herself, or to help her husband do better. She is checked out - and that is not a sexual matter he can unilaterally fix, that is a relationship matter they can't overcome unless it's mutual.

Rather than asking "why" try switching it to asking her how. How she likes to be touched, how she likes the mood to be set. Ask her to guide you. Ask her to define a romantic evening. Setting the mood for sex should start long before the clothes come off. Pamper, prepare, set up the environment, relax into the moment, chill with a glass of wine, tease each other.

Great sex requires communication and it appears there is a barrier between you. Did you ever ask her for guidance?

It's clear that she won't talk about it. You're right that OP told us he asked "why" rather than "how," but the severity with which she shut that down doesn't suggest to me that asking "how" would yield anything better. You're also right that there is a major barrier, and that's the critical part here.

But, sure, try it, @EternityGhost14 .

 

[Britva415]

@EternityGhost14 I'm surprised you're surprised at all the "relationship may be in trouble" takes. Like - ok, sure, maybe you're younger and haven't already been through and maybe even overcome existential threats to your relationships before, but, just knowing what you do know, doesn't it set your alarm bells off that she won't talk about stuff? Doesn't it scare the fuck out of you that she doesn't trust you? Don't you see where this can lead?

Anyway, this is why I asked the questions I asked. You haven't answered them, but it does seem kind of like you aren't aware of how alarming this stuff should be to you, on your side of this relationship. I'm not saying it's doomed. I'm just saying that without you taking the entirety of the picture into account, and recognizing the dangerous patterns the rest of us are seeing, there isn't much hope or chance that things are going to get better all on their own.

You have a good instinct, regarding the "going slow" part. Going slow could possibly help to not make things worse. And if "going slow" is your only strategy, then, things are not going to get better. They're going to stay stuck, probably forever, because if you keep going slow, and backing off every time you sense a little push-back, then nothing is going to change for the better. Hell, things could change for the worse, as she learns more and more that you won't really ever assert yourself.

Don't be afraid. Sure, it's possible that you'll discover that there is a permanent and unyielding incompatibility between you two. That is a possibility, and discovering it would likely mean either an end to the marriage OR the prospect of an unhappy one, forever, getting unhappier all the time.

That's scary, I get it. But. Don't be scared. Isn't it better to discover and admit that when you're this age instead of after another 10 years? 20? 30? And on the other side, you might also discover that there IS a way out for the two of you, and that the two of you, not just you but also her, DO have the brass to fucking work it out. To stop stonewalling, to get vulnerable, to dare to trust, and to be treated like a lover.

This is your marriage. If one or the other of the two people in a marriage will not behave as if it's mutual, then what are you even doing. Go slow but don't wait forever. Set yourself some timelines. You don't have to express a timeline to her, because ultimatums are manipulative and counterproductive, but for your own sake, if you spend, I don't know, let's say a year making the effort with empathy, care and love, and she doesn't show any movement in that direction herself, it's a predictor how how the entire rest of the marriage will go. There is a certain point one has to decide whether what they're experiencing is worth the rest of your life.

So don't be afraid. Either you'll discover how to bring mutuality into the marriage, or you'll discover that the problems are not how you want to live for the rest of your life. Neither of those are bad outcomes.

A breakup hurts for a while, but sometimes an incompatible marriage hurts forever. You're already hurting. Maybe it's because she's actively doing something hurtful - maybe not. She's probably doing the best she can. Or maybe it's because you just aren't getting your own needs met because of incompatibility. But you are hurting. It shows. Right now you're balancing that against all the positive things in your marriage, and you should.

I'm not predicting or recommending that you'll break up. I'm just encouraging you to assert yourself, be fearless, and dare to be honest with yourself about whether, if nothing ever changes, this or worse is what you want.

 

[DryRottingHusk]

Give her to someone who can give her a real orgasm.

 

[EternityGhost14]

I have several questions:

First, why did she tell you this at all? Why doesn't she just keep faking it like she has for however many years? What has changed?

Second, why will she not talk about how the ex got her there? Why will she not talk about how you might get her there?

Third, is this a threat to your relationship together? I'm asking about both sides. From your side: If you can't please your spouse and she won't be transparent and forthcoming about how you can, then, is that the kind of sex you want to be having? Are you willing to continue in a relationship which is this unbalanced, where the sex is this one-sided and not mutual? From her side: Did she tell you this because she's done? Is she looking to rock the boat? Is she looking for a way out? Is she trying to bait you into being the one to cause things to fall apart so that she can say it's your fault?

I mean, I guess that a fourth question is, has she said whether it's "good enough" for her? And if it is (big "if"), is that good enough for you?

This whole thing is very disturbing. If I were in this situation, I would stop having sex with her, because knowing that I don't even understand her experience of it and knowing that it doesn't please her would be one of the most unsexy, unthrilling and unendurable things I can imagine. No-sex would be better than duty sex or pity sex or whatever reason it is that motivates her to do this with you and hide the truth from you the whole time and refuse to elaborate or cooperate with your desire to please her better.

Now that it's no longer hidden, AND she won't participate in improving the situation or even talking about it, that would drive me to stop being interested in sex with such a person. And if I weren't interested in sex with them for these reasons, then I almost certainly wouldn't be interested in abiding in marriage with them. And the sex wouldn't even be the primary threat: This would primarily be because of the stonewalling and unwillingness to communicate. Are we supposed to be partners or not? If they can't act like one, then I question everything.

I'm not talking out my ass - I have been in the situation where the partner wasn't into the sex, and I have been in the situation where the partner would not communicate. Each of those is a relationship killer all by itself. Put them both together, and... I'd seriously be pondering what keeps us together.

So, @EternityGhost14 , what about those questions?
Why did she admit this?
Why won't she talk about it further?
Is this a threat to your relationship together? Would you want to stay if this continues like this? Is she signaling that she's done and angling for an exit, herself?

Sorry, forget to respond to these. I’m not entirely sure why she told me this. It was years of faking. I think it was because I had been talking about how our frequency had dropped off, so she explained that she doesn’t orgasm with me and never has.

I’m not sure why she won’t talk much about her exes who she’s been able to orgasm with. She really shuts down with this, and I feel like there’s aspect of “feelings protection” going on. I don’t know if her ex was bigger, more stamina, etc. Based on where I am at, size-wise, this is definitely a possibility.

I wouldn’t want it to be the end, and I’d hope that we could resolve it because most of our relationship is great.

 

[Britva415]

I feel like she’s a very empathic person, and wouldn’t want me to feel bad and say she has a preference that may be counter to what I offer, at least naturally.

What if you were to say something like that out loud to her?

That sort of thing is what I was talking about regarding radical transparency and vulnerability. It doesn't even occur to people to just say what they're thinking, sometimes, but often it's exactly what has to happen for the other person to meet vulnerability with vulnerability. To learn to trust.

If you were to say to her that she doesn't have to worry about making you feel bad, could she trust that and be transparent, herself?

If you were to say to her that you feel worse about not being talked to and trusted than you to about not being squirted on, would she get defensive or would she understand?

If you were to say to her out loud that her preferences are valid even if she doesn't see how they can match the ones you have been showing, could it encourage her to express them?

Like, I don't know. I'm asking. She's not my wife. I myself would really want to know the answers to those questions, if it were my marriage, and, the only way to find out is to dare to say stuff out loud. It's vulnerable as hell but it models vulnerability, which might be something she has never seen demonstrated before.

 

[Britva415]

why did she tell you this at all? Why doesn't she just keep faking it like she has for however many years? What has changed?

I’m not entirely sure why she told me this. It was years of faking. I think it was because I had been talking about how our frequency had dropped off, so she explained that she doesn’t orgasm with me and never has.

Let me see if I understand what's being said here:

She's having less sex with you over time because she doesn't have orgasms with you? Is that what her message is?

I'm very curious about this. Let me change gears and ask, how has it been since this got revealed? Are the two of you still having sex with each other? Is it very different now, since she can't fake it anymore? How do you feel about that?

 

[EternityGhost14]

Let me see if I understand what's being said here:

She's having less sex with you over time because she doesn't have orgasms with you? Is that what her message is?

I'm very curious about this. Let me change gears and ask, how has it been since this got revealed? Are the two of you still having sex with each other? Is it very different now, since she can't fake it anymore? How do you feel about that?

I would say a lot less. And definitely different. I’ve encouraged her not to “fake” anything, so sex has felt very.. strange to say the least. It’s like I’m not really giving her any pleasure at all, and now that she’s not faking it, it feels very uneventful.

 

[Britva415]

I would say a lot less. And definitely different. I’ve encouraged her not to “fake” anything, so sex has felt very.. strange to say the least. It’s like I’m not really giving her any pleasure at all, and now that she’s not faking it, it feels very uneventful.

Is it satisfying? Is it the kind of sex you would want for the rest of your marriage? If she were to continue to not allow you to explore giving her pleasure, then would you even want it at all?

For me, this is 100% why I said No to my wife and we don't have sex with each other anymore. It wasn't about orgasms, she can come with me. But most of the time she didn't want to, and even when she was willing for me to get her off, it was still clearly only because she was in it to try to please me. Empty, performative, and one-sided. No thanks.

My case is a little more dramatic than yours, but it's also possible that it's something like what you have to look forward to, if your wife's interest in and willingness to have sex continues to diminish over time, or if she continues to be willing to let you get off while she maintains this wall between you two.

Again, I'm really not trying to doom-and-gloom you. I very much hope that your wife has it in herself to dare to get vulnerable and trust you to hear whatever her story is, and that that step becomes a foundational stone for greater and greater trust and commitment between you over time, such that eventually you both have what you want, by working on it and figuring it out together. And I also hope that you would be aware that it's OK for you to get what you want, whether it's with her or without her, which is why I don't pull my punches when showing you what some of these patterns look like and where they could lead to if nothing changes.

I for one feel very, very lucky that my spouse and I have been able to do this. It really depends on trust and transparency and daring to be vulnerable, on both sides. It couldn't work if only one side were trusting and transparent and vulnerable, it has to be mutual.

If you want to see some really scary shit, search the Lit forums for "sexless marriage" threads. It's full of people who have been trapped for decades because they didn't assert theirself, or, they did and they got shot down but stayed anyway. It never gets better on its own, or by just one person's efforts.

But, y'know, hey, they aren't all like that. Some of them are guys who are more-or-less OK with a sexless marriage, or a deeply sexually incompatible marriage. Like, maybe they aren't happy about it but clearly they knowingly choose that over the alternative. So, consider that too.

My wife and I spent many months putting enormous effort into searching for areas of compatibility, sex-wise. We left no stone un-turned. And we didn't find any. What she was willing to do didn't work for me, so, again leaving no stone un-turned, we arrived at an extramarital agreement.

That's what it takes for us to stay together. We wouldn't have figured it out and decided how to do this if it weren't for all of the mutual trust and vulnerability I've been talking about. We had to really learn how to not get defensive while also hearing the other person's valid expressions of feelings and needs, how to not lash out and attack each other while also asserting our needs and boundaries, how to set aside expectations which don't serve us and our marriage.

I hope this illustrates why, to me, it isn't even primarily about the sex. It's primarily about the relationship.

 

[AG31]

What was her emotional tone when she told you this? Was she angry? Reconciled? Puzzled? It could be that she has a twist in her sexuality that prevents her from having an orgasm with someone she really loves. If so, forget about it and just enjoy the closeness.

 

[EternityGhost14]

What was her emotional tone when she told you this? Was she angry? Reconciled? Puzzled? It could be that she has a twist in her sexuality that prevents her from having an orgasm with someone she really loves. If so, forget about it and just enjoy the closeness.

I would say there was a twinge of anger, because it was the context of me being upset about our frequency dropping off. The arguing went on for a bit, and then she dropped “the bomb” so to speak. Including the info that her exes had no problem with it. She did apologize for the last part.

 

[AG31]

I would say there was a twinge of anger, because it was the context of me being upset about our frequency dropping off. The arguing went on for a bit, and then she dropped “the bomb” so to speak. Including the info that her exes had no problem with it. She did apologize for the last part.

Well, if she can't advise you as to what you might try different, I'd suggest that you just try to forget about it and focuse on what does work in your lives.

 

[Britva415]

Wow.

This is royally fucked up.

Like - we can maybe forgive her for lashing out in anger. Sometimes that's all a person knows how to do. But something has got her so twisted up inside that she would say deliberately hurtful things to you in order to get you to shut up about it.

There is something very wrong going on here.

What is she afraid of? Fuck if I know, but, everything you wrote sounds like "defense mechanism" to me, and people get pretty damn squirrelly when their defense mechanisms are subverted.

Whatever is going on here is not going to be fixed by you figuring out how to "make her" orgasm.

 

[TheNovelist2000]

There is no way to just make someone orgasm, if they aren't already just orgasming with you already. The other peson has to be into it. This spouse really doesn't seem to be, based on what OP described. She is totally not motivated to get it, herself, or to help her husband do better. She is checked out - and that is not a sexual matter he can unilaterally fix, that is a relationship matter they can't overcome unless it's mutual.

If there is an organic cause that is making her delay in finishing, fixing it might offer a quick solution. For example, many people who are on antidepressants often have that problem, and changing to another type of antidepressant simply fixes it. And how can we rule out, without professional assessment, that there isn’t an organic cause behind the problem? I know some women suffer from sexual disorders that prevent them from getting orgasms easily. There are also a number of psychological conditions that can prevent a woman from achieving orgasms from penetrative sex. You can read a few in the DSM-5. One example is PTSD from rape or extreme stress during sex. There are also a number of medications a doctor can prescribe to help her achieve orgasm. (You might be surprised those medications exist.) This is a valid reason for many couples to visit clinics, and it is not something far-fetched.

But of course, you might argue that she was able to orgasm in her previous relationships, and that this proves there is no underlying organic cause. But that was 10 years ago. Who knows whether an organic cause manifested right after the OP’s marriage or not?

Another totally unrelated thing I want to talk about is this: could she be lying to undermine her husband’s confidence? Some women convince their husbands that they are bad at sex just to gain an edge in the relationship. Maybe it was a case of that, and now she is avoiding elaborating further because she cannot maintain that lie?

Could it also be the case that she simply does not want sex anymore and is blaming it on the OP by saying he cannot make her come? It is an easy excuse to avoid sex without having to admit a loss of interest. If the OP has been pestering her about the drop in frequency, claiming that she never finishes could be her way of shifting the blame and shutting down the conversation. It allows her to avoid taking responsibility for the change while making the OP feel inadequate instead.

Another suggestion is to cut her off from porn. My God, how many people today find themselves unsatisfied with their partners simply because they cannot live up to the exaggerated performances and unrealistic bodies of porn stars? Porn can warp expectations around sex, intimacy, and physical connection. It creates a false standard that real-life partners, with their natural flaws and limitations, often cannot meet.

 

[Shanes_OralOrations]

Don't give yourself too much stress over online relationship analysts here. Get a pro if think you need one, but don't unnecessarily put yourself in the mindset that this must be the tip of a terrible iceberg. Maybe, but maybe not. It sounds like as far as you can tell the rest of your relationship has been good. Every long term relationship has friction and ups and downs, but that doesn't doom it if both partners still value it. And yes, sometimes it takes a moment of anger for a truth to come out that someone has hidden, even if just out of habit to protect someone's feelings. Which is what it sounds like you think happened. Perhaps she started faking because she didn't know how else to bring up what she needed in sex, and once she started didn't have a way to feel safe bringing it up? No wonder she'd become less interested in sex. Doesn't mean she loves you any less. Keep in mind your own impression of your relationship is going to be more insightful than mine or anyone else's on an online set chat board.

One approach to consider is to suggest trying a handful of new sex aids or techniques together. You can phrase it as you'd like to do what you can to help her enjoy sex more (because that's important to you). Make it low pressure if that's what the situation calls for and make it clear you're happy to try different things that may or may not work for both of you, and to just enjoy the exploration, wherever it leads. Reassure her that you are grateful she's still kept having sex for you even when it wasn't great for her, and that you're happy to see how you can make it better for her now.

Given her porn preference she might really be into role playing if you suggest it. That gives both of you a chance to explore different styles of sex, and gives you a way to mimic the rough treatment she enjoys watching. It's always surprising what people like in bed. My wife and I were married over 15 years before I started getting a bit rougher with her- pulling her hair tight, controlling her head forcefully, making her look up at me, then pushing her down on my cock. Turns out she really liked it- never would have guessed based on her demure and proper personality. Same thing when I first stuck a finger in her ass after 10 years together. Now she has a dozen butt plugs in the bedside table. We have a good relationship, but she's never been comfortable vocalizing what she wants in bed, and often didn't know herself- it's just part of her personality. Luckily part of mine is trying everything new I see or think of with her and seeing if I can get her to enjoy it.

In a sense your answer might be as reductive as "finding out how to make her orgasm," but mostly because the process of getting there together can reignite some passion and let you both connect better with each other than you have before.

With a little luck and hard work you might be able to turn this challenge into an opportunity.

 

[EternityGhost14]

First of all, I appreciate everyone who has posted in here offering advice. I’ve gotten a variety of responses, all helpful and that I’ve taken into consideration.

I finally did make some headway when talking with the wife last night. While I didn’t want to act pushy, I told her that we *really* needed to finally have this talk and discuss what has been happening.

We had a few drinks which I think loosened her up. But basically, what she eventually admitted was that she requires deep, sustained penetration to cum. She’s never wanted to tell me that I wasn’t able to accomplish this and that her exes were able to, but she finally did admit that that’s the difference. And that she has no problem getting herself to cum, with the dildo. Which, by the way, I told her I’ve known about for some time.

I asked about size too, but she got really shy here. I think it’s just about certain that her ex is bigger than me (he certainly is, frame size/height wise) but I don’t have much that I can do even if I dig deep into that. Not enough ROI. I told some people through DM that one of the categories she does watch in pornography is “big dick,” so I know she has that preference (at least for porn) but she clearly isn’t wanting to admit that now.

 

[AverageGuy86]

Maybe look into slip on sheaths. It can add some size, and perhaps give you a little extra time too. I wouldn't go nuts - just something that's appropriate internally to fit your own penis.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

I'm not a sexolog, a trained professional in the position to offer advice.
But faking pleasure/orgasms seem to me like a betrayal, especially if done over a long time. How can one recover from that? How will you be able to trust her with well... anything?

 

[OralAllOver]

To get a woman WET and orgasmic, 3 things she needs:
1) real estate
2) real estate and
3) real estate

Go get em, boys!

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