a haiku is more than 5-7-5

[cascadiabound]

your poetry never offends x

it's just a bugbear of mine, that people demand i acknowledge their poems as 'traditional haiku' when they just are not

i always enjoy reading your poetry and it often leaves me in awe, as it continues to resonate across the spaces of my mind (some would say empty!) long after the moment of reading the words.

i'm happy you take my comments in the spirit they are intended: with honesty and purely from my own perspective, offered as a measure for you to see how your word choices (etc...,) impact this one reader.

this forum has helped us all, and continues to do so!

It is a wonder to me my poetry resonates past reading. It is extremely gratifying that my words ever do.

An additional comment on my foggy haiku...
I was intending a layered meaning of the word muted... muted visually, muted mind, muted voice, muted/muffled sound (which seems to accompany fog in my experience)

Where I live, fog is highly seasonal and most common in winter so it is an appropriate choice for a traditional haiku I thought.

 

[cascadiabound]

My mahonia
Sprays of bright yellow blossoms-
Hummingbird visits

 

[Mrtenant]

Interim
Intermixed interests
Interpretation

 

[HarryHill]

Chaos transmission
Oozing from the cracks above
infected forum

 

[Mrtenant]

Cuddles and snoozing
Sleepy fondles and kisses
Deep sleep together

 

[cascadiabound]

Take my hand darling
Let's go for a road trip luv
Red car rocking out

 

[butters]

lone stiff tree
march winds in february
—snap

 

[AlinaX]

crack of a whip -
a birch tree sings its future

 

[HarryHill]

Winter dies faded
Blooms of fuchsia and golden
A hint of springtime

 

[AlinaX]

watch the earth baking
beneath summer's insistence
of a last hurrah

 

[AlinaX]

With the caveat that I'm not a haiku expert, just someone who writes and enjoys them...

It shouldn't feel like three connected statements, but more like one-maybe-two with a twist.

moon clothed in beauty
her silver threads unravelled
by brambled woods

Also, the 5-7-5 can be a fun challenge, but don't let it get in the way of a superior poem.

 

[butters]

thread bump for Wonderer67

 

[Remec]

Coppery giant
looming over in its fullness
red light, not silver.

 

[AlinaX]

beech in the garden
purple sand by verdant sea
lots of naked tits

 

[_Land]

crimson dusk settles
a single shot splits the trees—
tenderloin hisses

 

[_Land]

tail curled to her nose
the red fox sleeps under ice—
no one waits at home

 

[_Land]

bronze feathers fanned wide
damp light stirs beneath green buds—
he dances alone

 

[_Land]

she moves through bramble
tongue purpled from what she takes—
no hunger is clean

 

[_Land]

I'm certainly not an expert at haiku and I always wonder how much is too much........ Does the subtle implication of who the animal is give a deep enough flow to the original context of Japanese haiku?

 

[AlinaX]

I'm a little confused about what you're wanting to do here. The art of haiku is brevity, using a few words to spark a clear image, often using juxtaposition of ideas. If you find yourself struggling to fit this into the 5-7-5 format, maybe you shouldn't be bothering. The 5-7-5 can be very clunky.

black lips dripping
crimson in her wake
the bramble screams

 

[_Land]

I'm a little confused about what you're wanting to do here. The art of haiku is brevity, using a few words to spark a clear image, often using juxtaposition of ideas. If you find yourself struggling to fit this into the 5-7-5 format, maybe you shouldn't be bothering. The 5-7-5 can be very clunky.

black lips dripping
crimson in her wake
the bramble screams

I'm not confused in regards to the 575 format, the aspect is how much Clarity do we need to provide in the imagery.... For it to be considered as the original poster many moons ago mentioned more traditional
IE:

an old silent pond—
a frog jumps into the sound
of water

In English unfortunately the last line only has four syllables. But my question is more about the imagery than the format

 

[_Land]

I'm a little confused about what you're wanting to do here. The art of haiku is brevity, using a few words to spark a clear image, often using juxtaposition of ideas. If you find yourself struggling to fit this into the 5-7-5 format, maybe you shouldn't be bothering. The 5-7-5 can be very clunky.

black lips dripping
crimson in her wake
the bramble screams

horns dodge porcelain
hoof prints stomp the syllables—
form shatters mid-line

 

[AlinaX]

how much Clarity do we need to provide in the imagery

Isn't that the challenge, though? To conjure up a sharp image with a few words?

What works for you in other people's poetry?

 

[_Land]

Isn't that the challenge, though? To conjure up a sharp image with a few words?

What works for you in other people's poetry?

I am comfortable with a lot of different aspects including the more Americanized versions of haiku..... That said I was trying to honor the op and their desire to see something that fit more along the lines of traditional......

That is where my question stems from.

And that is where the attempt was made within the context of the few haikus that I posted. However as I read them I wondered if naming the animal was more in keeping of the tradition or if just creating the image of the animal was enough.


Ie the difference between utilizing the red fox versus just defining the deer as tenderloin. Which version follows tradition more?

 

[Angeline]

I am comfortable with a lot of different aspects including the more Americanized versions of haiku..... That said I was trying to honor the op and their desire to see something that fit more along the lines of traditional......

That is where my question stems from.

And that is where the attempt was made within the context of the few haikus that I posted. However as I read them I wondered if naming the animal was more in keeping of the tradition or if just creating the image of the animal was enough.


Ie the difference between utilizing the red fox versus just defining the deer as tenderloin. Which version follows tradition more?

For me the clearer one can make the image the better. Of course the image has to work within the context of what you're saying overall. So if the point of the poem is, for example, to evoke the sound of the splash a frog makes when it jumps into a pond, why would it matter if the frog is big or green or whatever? That's more specific but it doesn't affect the point of the poem.