Tease (feedback on poem please)

[AnaDarkling]

Hi everyone, I was wondering if you could be so kind as to offer me feedback on my poem below? I don't write erotic poetry often so I would appreciate the gesture. Thank you!


He sits on the bed wrinkled and weary
Pulling his tie with a tired sigh
His eyes lift to a soft humming from across the room
Sounds of clothes shuffling off skin as she relaxes into her sweats

Her hair blocking his view while she bends and stretches
Hums turn to moans as her muscles strain and relax
Her arms reaching above her head
Face scrunching, yawning, singing

Slowly he stands and stalks towards her
Eyes raking over her luscious body
Curves hidden among the comfy clothes
Oblivious until he's finally behind

She turns to smile only to freeze the instant he growls
His lips brushing her ear as he whispers, "Don't. Move."
She gulps, he lightly kisses her neck
She moans as he lightly runs his fingers up her arms

Gathering her silky, chocolate hair
To reveal more of her neck
As his lips leave goosebumps
Wherever they kiss

Her senses heightened, her skin burning
The harder he touches, the less it hurts
What seems like an hour was only 10 minutes
But she is fully soaked, crying for release

The fire continues as he lifts off her shirt
The cool air unnoticed as she's focused on his breaths
Blowing more heat down her back
As he kneels to slip off her pants

He circles around, fingers never leaving her skin
When did he already take off his shirt?
Her eyes watching to see what he'll do next
As he admires the woman who is holding her breath

"Touch me, softly," her ears barely catching his words
But luckily she was already zeroed on his lips
Becoming the first thing she grazes
With her fiery fingertips

And she circles them, while biting into her own
Tracing his jaw and over his neck
Sliding her hands down further below
Wondering if he, too is burning like her

He steps in closer, inching towards her face
Her breath hitches, his lips seconds away
She tentatively licks him
His taste and smell intoxicating

Drunk with the closeness she starts to sway
But before she could move he finally caves
And their kiss....oh, their kiss...
Euphoria raptured with bliss

 

[29wordsforsnow]

Just some style thoughts:
I would try to boil some of the sentence-ish lines down to more focused, shorter versions like

But she is fully soaked, crying for release >> fully soaked, she cries for release
That specific stanza has a strange line too that breaks the form of the other three 'one thing, and another':
What seems like an hour was only 10 minutes >> what felt like an hour, was a 10 minutes tour
I use 'and's, 'but's and 'as'es way too often myself, so how about turning process into a fact?

As he kneels to slip off her pants >> down on his knees to slip off her pants
There are a lot of gerunds, I know it can be hard to avoid them but the outcome can be worth it, using more simple present instead.

 

[Bigtitsbitch1000x]

Hi everyone, I was wondering if you could be so kind as to offer me feedback on my poem below? I don't write erotic poetry often so I would appreciate the gesture. Thank you!


He sits on the bed wrinkled and weary
Pulling his tie with a tired sigh
His eyes lift to a soft humming from across the room
Sounds of clothes shuffling off skin as she relaxes into her sweats

Her hair blocking his view while she bends and stretches
Hums turn to moans as her muscles strain and relax
Her arms reaching above her head
Face scrunching, yawning, singing

Slowly he stands and stalks towards her
Eyes raking over her luscious body
Curves hidden among the comfy clothes
Oblivious until he's finally behind

She turns to smile only to freeze the instant he growls
His lips brushing her ear as he whispers, "Don't. Move."
She gulps, he lightly kisses her neck
She moans as he lightly runs his fingers up her arms

Gathering her silky, chocolate hair
To reveal more of her neck
As his lips leave goosebumps
Wherever they kiss

Her senses heightened, her skin burning
The harder he touches, the less it hurts
What seems like an hour was only 10 minutes
But she is fully soaked, crying for release

The fire continues as he lifts off her shirt
The cool air unnoticed as she's focused on his breaths
Blowing more heat down her back
As he kneels to slip off her pants

He circles around, fingers never leaving her skin
When did he already take off his shirt?
Her eyes watching to see what he'll do next
As he admires the woman who is holding her breath

"Touch me, softly," her ears barely catching his words
But luckily she was already zeroed on his lips
Becoming the first thing she grazes
With her fiery fingertips

And she circles them, while biting into her own
Tracing his jaw and over his neck
Sliding her hands down further below
Wondering if he, too is burning like her

He steps in closer, inching towards her face
Her breath hitches, his lips seconds away
She tentatively licks him
His taste and smell intoxicating

Drunk with the closeness she starts to sway
But before she could move he finally caves
And their kiss....oh, their kiss...
Euphoria raptured with bliss

Extremely good. I would suggest very minor changes if you insist on editing recommendations. Better, as far as I am concerned, would be to leave this as it is for awhile. If I were a teacher I would ask for three more poems in the same vein, and would then work with you to improve them.

That's what real writees and editors do.

( . )( . )

 

[AnaDarkling]

Wonderful, thank you guys!

Just some style thoughts:
I would try to boil some of the sentence-ish lines down to more focused, shorter versions like

But she is fully soaked, crying for release >> fully soaked, she cries for release
That specific stanza has a strange line too that breaks the form of the other three 'one thing, and another':
What seems like an hour was only 10 minutes >> what felt like an hour, was a 10 minutes tour
I use 'and's, 'but's and 'as'es way too often myself, so how about turning process into a fact?

As he kneels to slip off her pants >> down on his knees to slip off her pants
There are a lot of gerunds, I know it can be hard to avoid them but the outcome can be worth it, using more simple present instead.

This is very helpful! I do use a lot of and's, but's, and as'es. I'm trying to figure out how to get away from that.

 

[AnaDarkling]

Extremely good. I would suggest very minor changes if you insist on editing recommendations. Better, as far as I am concerned, would be to leave this as it is for awhile. If I were a teacher I would ask for three more poems in the same vein, and would then work with you to improve them.

That's what real writees and editors do.

( . )( . )

When you say three more poems do you mean within the same theme of the original? And create different variations?

 

[Bigtitsbitch1000x]

When you say three more poems do you mean within the same theme of the original? And create different variations?

I was thinking three more on the same theme. But original, each. Variations are good. I will be glad to help you.

( . )( . )