Request for Feedback- Part 1

[AG31]

DELETED​

[Snippet exceeds limit as per Forum Guidelines]

 

[AwkwardMD]

The forum has rules against posting stories here. This will likely get redacted. The limit is "a few paragraphs"

 

[Bazzle]

First two lines you repeat his name? "He" would have worked in the second line, maybe with a description of his body? How skinny/muscular it was?

Just a a thought.

 

[AG31]

First two lines you repeat his name? "He" would have worked in the second line, maybe with a description of his body? How skinny/muscular it was?

Just a a thought.

Thanks.

 

[StillStunned]

I'll go further than @Bazzle above:

Marius placed the last goblet on his silver tray in front of the guest sitting next to Clelia, the wife of the commander of the military base.

This is far too much information for an opening sentence. We have Marius, the last goblet, a silver tray, a guest, Clelia, her husband and a military base. Compare it with something like this:

Marius had one last goblet on his tray. He glanced around, and stepped towards a guest without a drink. The man was sitting next to Clelia, the commander's wife, who ruled the military base like a queen.

Or whatever suits the narrative.

The whole opening paragraph is an infodump, though. You need to engage the reader's interest before you can ask them to care about background information. Bring the section where Clelia is talking to her neighbour about Marius up before you explore Marius thoughts.

And cut your sentence length. People read on their phones nowadays. They don't have the attention span, particularly early in your story, to focus on long sentence or paragraphs. But shorter sentences give you more flexibility to steer the reader's mind where you want it to be. Like the example above, for instance.

 

[AG31]

Thanks. Good suggestions.

 

[Bazzle]

I'll go further than @Bazzle above:

This is far too much information for an opening sentence. We have Marius, the last goblet, a silver tray, a guest, Clelia, her husband and a military base. Compare it with something like this:

Or whatever suits the narrative.

The whole opening paragraph is an infodump, though. You need to engage the reader's interest before you can ask them to care about background information. Bring the section where Clelia is talking to her neighbour about Marius up before you explore Marius thoughts.

And cut your sentence length. People read on their phones nowadays. They don't have the attention span, particularly early in your story, to focus on long sentence or paragraphs. But shorter sentences give you more flexibility to steer the reader's mind where you want it to be. Like the example above, for instance.

The inner perv in me is always intrigued to what that new character is like?

A commanders wife could be a buttoned up serious bitch. Formally dressed with steely piercing blue eyes. Having more power than her husband. Conversely she could be the bored housewife who turns up to events in a micro skirt and low cut top. Which means every single man and maybe woman on site will have a good look before going on about their day.

But as @StillStunned says might be too much information in the first paragraph.