Pregnancy Story Feedback

Priscilla_June

Naughty Worldbuilder
Joined
Apr 7, 2022
Posts
804
Hello,

I’m making it a point to seek critical feedback on stories I post, my most latest is a pregnancy related one involving some exhibitionism and infidelity. Would love to hear about the following:

  • Character depth
  • Character development
  • General world-building (there isnt as much of that in this one but its good to improve)
  • Story flow
  • Implementation of main themes associated with the story
  • Any other areas I may need to improve on.
Or if you enjoyed it I’d love to hear that too :)

https://literotica.com/s/maternity-hall-pass

Thanks!
 
Priscilla

You've done a lovely story, and your attention to detail was impressive.

Take that as a start, and I'll offer some commentary (and since I am a pedant, some minor complaining at the end - please take this part as nit-picking, and feel free to ignore it without cause.)

The setting is handled nicely, personalities emerge organically and without many troubles. The only clarification I would suggest is early, I had to divine that Tessa was in the elevator of her apartment building (it could have been at work, or somewhere else.) Not a big stumble but one easy to correct.

You introduced Liam perfectly, and let him develop quite authentically. He was nervous and off-center, in just the sort of ways an adolescent exhibits to the world of adults, and you didn't rush things. I am impressed really, this took great care on your part.

The scene in the pool got close to stretching credulity, but it worked. The other bathers served their purpose, and you escaped what could have been a seriously unrealistic scenario.

I liked the humor: the water 'jugs' and various Liam awkward moments. 'golden retriever energy' - perfect.

Pacing was excellent, you ratcheted up sexual interest, and then threw in other scenes that let the thoughts percolate before moving forward.

Sex was good, with a few exceptions you did not overdraw or dwell too long. A little less dialog might have worked a bit better (horny young males often do more thrashing about than talking) but Tess takes the reins initially and things flow well.

Overall, a superior tale.

Now for the nitpicks:

You have a tic with the word 'it.' Go back and look at your usage, I bet you could ditch 60% of them and find a better way to express things.

'This was doubly so when he talked to Tessa, as it was obvious, he was infatuated with her.

'Of course, it wasn't, but their cacophony ended.

'resolving itself to extend any and all support it could for her in the next few days.

'But with the pregnancy, her tits had ballooned, and while she was proud of it, it wasn't worth the aching.

there's plenty more, but you get the idea.

A few botched antecedents: 'She was compact, no bigger than a volleyball,' (you probably mean her belly?)

A few too many 'pining' adjectives, one or two suffice.

Okay, pedantry over. With one more editing pass you really have a splendid story, and I suspect your work (which I have only just encountered) will only get better and better. Well done.

Prost.
 
Priscilla

You've done a lovely story, and your attention to detail was impressive.

Take that as a start, and I'll offer some commentary (and since I am a pedant, some minor complaining at the end - please take this part as nit-picking, and feel free to ignore it without cause.)

The setting is handled nicely, personalities emerge organically and without many troubles. The only clarification I would suggest is early, I had to divine that Tessa was in the elevator of her apartment building (it could have been at work, or somewhere else.) Not a big stumble but one easy to correct.

You introduced Liam perfectly, and let him develop quite authentically. He was nervous and off-center, in just the sort of ways an adolescent exhibits to the world of adults, and you didn't rush things. I am impressed really, this took great care on your part.

The scene in the pool got close to stretching credulity, but it worked. The other bathers served their purpose, and you escaped what could have been a seriously unrealistic scenario.

I liked the humor: the water 'jugs' and various Liam awkward moments. 'golden retriever energy' - perfect.

Pacing was excellent, you ratcheted up sexual interest, and then threw in other scenes that let the thoughts percolate before moving forward.

Sex was good, with a few exceptions you did not overdraw or dwell too long. A little less dialog might have worked a bit better (horny young males often do more thrashing about than talking) but Tess takes the reins initially and things flow well.

Overall, a superior tale.

Now for the nitpicks:

You have a tic with the word 'it.' Go back and look at your usage, I bet you could ditch 60% of them and find a better way to express things.

'This was doubly so when he talked to Tessa, as it was obvious, he was infatuated with her.

'Of course, it wasn't, but their cacophony ended.

'resolving itself to extend any and all support it could for her in the next few days.

'But with the pregnancy, her tits had ballooned, and while she was proud of it, it wasn't worth the aching.

there's plenty more, but you get the idea.

A few botched antecedents: 'She was compact, no bigger than a volleyball,' (you probably mean her belly?)

A few too many 'pining' adjectives, one or two suffice.

Okay, pedantry over. With one more editing pass you really have a splendid story, and I suspect your work (which I have only just encountered) will only get better and better. Well done.

Prost.
Thanks for the great feedback, will deff figure out how to get away from “it” haha
 
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